Chapter Twenty-Six : Afraid -Day 101 Part. 2

"She is a double GSW with multiple injuries in addition, internal bleeding has caused distention to two to three inches. I approximate we're looking at now a class three possibly class four hemorrhage showing no sign of slowing so we're going to need a minim five units of A poss. Stat." I say walking into the operating room.

My words coming in between tying my scrub cap on and slipping into the tight blue gloves. It had taken me less than thirty seconds to strip and throw on these scrubs but it was long enough for the surgical team to get her in position. It had been exactly three and a half years since I had done an actual surgery but it was like riding a bike, you don't forget—at least I hope not. We were at Cunningham so everyone here knew me but I knew exactly one person out of the eight in here with me, Anne the scrub nurse. Guess that would be the only one I really needed to know.

"She is a code F-one so I need someone to check if any double M.S are on hand," I continue falling back into my second nature as I make my way to the table. My eyes falling to her face as I bark out orders which despite all the jargon basically meant she was a higher level succubus and I needed a Mature-Succubus from our Medical-Staff. Problem was, succubi were not as common creatures as one would think—i should have spliced my DNA with one of them then we wouldn't be having this problem.

"Lauren," I hear my name being said but I can't seem to tear my eyes away from Bo's face. She looks so peaceful—apart from the breathing mask covering her mouth and nose.

"We can't wait any longer for news of a double MS, we'll have to start and hope there is one on hand,"

"Doctor Lewis," this time I look up to find Doctor Foster standing at the door, holding a mask over his face as Doctor Burke approaches me.

"Doctor Lewis let me," he says softly but firmly and my eyes go from him back down to her.

Her procedure needed to be started regardless of who did it at least until her mother or another double MS showed up. Stepping aside he quickly takes my place starting to bark orders of his own I can hear him all the way out into the hall. Pulling off my mask, I turn around to face Doctor Foster.

"What? I need to be in there,"

"You need to go be with your children and let us handle this."

"I am the best doctor you have on the staff,"

"You are, but as a surgeon you haven't clocked hours in the OR in years."

"But I am still the best!" I raise my voice.

"Be as it may, I am pulling rank on you dear. Go be with your children."

"I'm not doing this with you Richard." I say snorting off his words as I go to move past him but he steps in front of me. "Move out of my way Richard."

"Stand down Doctor Lewis." he goes to reach for me and I push his hands away.

"I am," my words trail off as I have to look away from him feeling tears welling in my eyes. "I am-"

"You are a mess," he says harshly, grabbing my shoulders forcing me to look at him. "Her mother can't be here before another three hours and the closest succubi on staff is an hour away which means she has to be treated like a human. We have to save her like we would a human not just keep her stable until help arrives which means we need the best focused surgeon available."

"But I am-" I try to start again but my voice breaks.

"You are a mess but that is okay." his tone softens as his grip lessens. "You deserve to be a mess. Trust us—trust me." he gives me this nod and lets go of me completely. He takes a second to look me over before heading back into the operating room.

I want to follow, I want to put him in his place and preform the surgery myself. I am the best doctor in this city yet here I am being sidelined. I could completely be objective in there, I don't know what he is talking about. I sniff softly as I pull off my gloves and then my cap before tossing them in the first garbage can I pass walking down the hall toward my family.

Using the back of my hand I wipe the few stray tears away, I wasn't even aware I was crying until I felt the tears pass my chin. I guess I didn't feel much right now—nothing feels real. None of this made any sense. None of it.

Why were we taken and by who? How did Bo get shot? Was that Dyson in that room? Was Kate injured? I didn't see. Why were there no succubi on hand? Why was her damn mother so far away?

Looking down I see my blood stained gym shoes. The once white material now stained beyond repair God it had been years since I had seen that sight. It never affected me—until now. The realization that it was Bo's blood causing a sickening feeling in my stomach.

Shit.

I look up and down the hall to see Hale and Kenzi along with Gabby standing there having some group conversation with Kate and my children. No one looks happy but I also don't hear yelling so yey for small miracles I guess.

"What's happened? I thought you were doing the surgery?" Kenzi asks being the first to see me approaching. "Is she okay? Did she feed?"

"I got kicked out,"

"They can't do that! You are the smartest person here," she practically yells her words and I just snort. Leave it to life to make the first kind words of the day be from the woman who is anything but a friend. "Get back in there Doc."

"Leave her be," I hear Kate growl which causes a frantic Kenzi to turn around completely ready for a verbal altercation. Kate has no idea what she is getting herself into with this one.

Honestly I can't deal with this, not now. They want to fight then let them. I lean against the wall and take deep breaths, my leg pressing up against the arm of the row of chairs but I won't sit, I can't sit right now. I don't need to sit—what I do need though—I don't know.

"You alright?" after a minute I hear Hale softly ask as she comes to stand in front of me.

"Oh yeah, I'm perfect." I snort out a chuckle, tears slipping free.

"What do you need?" he asks in that soft, calming tone he has—I've actually kind of missed it.

"I need," I lift my head off the wall to look at him and at first my initial reaction is to dish an insult but I take a deep breath, sniffing back tears and let out another chuckle. "I need you to take my children away from here." he just looks at me for a moment as if unable to believe I had just said that and a part of myself doesn't believe it either. I couldn't leave Bo and I couldn't have them stay here, not after what they had been through.

"You sure?"

"Yeah," I nod with a sigh. "They need to be away from this and Isa has been missing Gabby—it's perfect."

"Alright," he gives me that trademark smirk of his and I just watch him.

He walks over to the little group giving my son a playful nudge before taking his hat off and putting it on Isa which worried me. She wasn't exactly friendly toward Bo-friendly people but I see Gabby flash a smile and wrap her arm over her shoulder as Hale does the same to Ethan. They both look back at me and I manage a smile for them with a little nod.

They had been through enough and staying her all night covered in blood was not needed. Let them go back to Hale's and clean up. Let them be away from the constant drama that was their parents and let them flirt or play with or whatever it was they did with Gabby. Besides I never had any real animosity toward Hale it was just his wife and his partner.

Did they know Dyson was dead—was he dead?

"Lauren," I hear Kate say and I look from the wall where my attention had fallen over to her as she tried to approach but oddly enough Kenzi was managing to block her so to speak. "Move pygmy," she near growls—she really doesn't know what she is starting.

"Pygmy? Really? Seventeen hundred and that is the best you've got Grandma?"

I watch as the tiny woman glances over her shoulder at me and for a second all I can think is 'You don't have a right to look at me', and then I realize she is is trying to buy me time. Give me an out to walk away and go somewhere that wasn't here at the moment.

It was the least she owed me.

Turning and walking away knowing if Kenzi was good at anything it was pissing people off and that would keep Kate busy enough to give me a minute to clear my head.

Walking down the hall I look up at all the people I'm passing, it was late-had to be at least twelve-thirty yet this place was packed oddly. I wanted to care what was happening to the other people—I did but all I could think about was Bo.

She looked so peaceful laying there but I didn't want her to look peaceful—peaceful to me meant she was okay with staying that way. I wanted anguish of some kind. I wanted some sign to know she was fighting to come back to me—to her children I mean—to all of us.

I just don't understand any of this. I didn't understand why we were taken—was it something to do with Bo? Was it something to do with Kate? Did Dyson finally snap and decide to try and get rid of me once and for all? No...that was too far even for him and to do it with the kids—with Bo's children? Besides I recognized the sand as a part of the serial killer case we've been working on, so maybe we got too close. Maybe—why was Dyson there then? Kate wouldn't have called him and Bo wouldn't have, she would have called Hale or Kenzi but not Dyson.

None of this made sense.

I keep trying to remember the other bodies—was it three? I am ninety percent sure Dyson was one of them, the other two I didn't recognize—maybe I did and just can't place them. Why was Kate on the floor—did she get hurt? I don't know, I honestly just saw Bo collapse and I went to her. I mean I of course registered that my daughter was okay but after that I just was so focused on Bo. So much for rational thinking under stressing circumstances.

I come to a halt, the open doors of a kind of church. Smirking at the irony I walk in and sit at the last pew to the left. It was small, three rows of pews on each side. An alter and a cross behind it but not a crucifix. Above it some aching thing that has engraved symbols of various religions—guess church wasn't the right word, it was more a prayer room. Hey whatever helped people.

For me it was just a convenience, no one would look for me here. If they came looking at all, Kenzi wouldn't and if Kate did—whenever she managed to get away from the tiny woman she would never think here. I'm surprised I didn't turn into a ball of flames upon entrance in fact.

I turn a bit as I hear a code-blue being d over the speakers, the call for Doctor Westward—the head trauma surgeon. I can't explain it but I just knew it was for Bo—I just felt it. I want to go and run and help but I can't. I understand now that I've calmed down a bit that me trying to preform this surgery would have done more harm than good. Sure if there was no other option then yeah I would have handled it like a pro but being in a hospital with a safety net of doctors—one slip of her heart beat—one flat-line and I wouldn't have been able to handle it according.

I was a wreck—this whole conundrum was a complete wreck.

Bo was a freaking succubus, the most powerful one living according to the Institute's knowledge and here she was fighting for her life. She was in a hospital full of Fae—full of people and she couldn't feed or be fed because no succubi were near and she was too incapacitated. She dealt with things out of this world—literately and here she was laying on a table dying of what—a gunshot?

Life had a cruel sense of humor.

I look back forward and take deep breaths a certain anger rising in me. I won't pray—I won't.

"I don't like you—and I haven't asked you for anything so I won't start now." I say quietly through a clenched jaw staring up at the symbols of so many religions. "You've given me nothing and taken so much—I didn't ask for forgiveness because I don't want it—not from you. I didn't ask for your help ever because I never wanted it—never. I've always saved myself without any help from you,"

I snort at myself suddenly aware tears are streaming down my face—I'm such a wreck. I'm sitting here hiding from everything, crying and talking to something I don't think I believe in. When did I lose sight of myself—when did I forget who I was?

I used to be this strong, confident woman. I used to be proud and self assured—I used to know who I was and what I wanted. I used to be—something that wasn't this. When did I lose my passion, my fire, my drive—when did I become the type of person to settle?

I hear them page another code—calling back Doctor Westward—why would he leave? Were there that many people coming in with trauma right now? It might not have been her the first time or even this time but—I knew it was. I knew it was her the same way I knew how to breathe.

"I don't like you or the concept of you if in fact you're real—if you are I don't like you and judging by how most of my life has gone I don't think you like me either." I nearly choke on my words mixing with a laugh. "But if by some chance you are real—I am asking you for something for once. I am asking that she make it through this—that she live. I never asked you for anything and you owe me—you owe me." I take a deep breath, trying to control my tears. Ignoring the fact at how ridiculous I must look. "Please—just this once show me some of this mercy I hear so much about—let her make it through this."

I snort at myself yet again looking away from the alter. What was I doing? Now not only was I some shadow of myself hiding from the real world one more time but I was angry at something that I didn't completely believe in. I was asking for help from what? I should be sitting outside of the OR waiting for news or going to finally give Kenzi a piece of mind.

I should be doing something other than hiding and talking to an invisible, questionable, entity.

Shaking my head at myself I wipe the tears away and stand. Taking one hard look at the symbols—there were so many—which was the right one? Which was I supposedly talking to? Did it matter? Chuckling at myself again I turn and walk out.

I start back down the way I came but end up taking a left turn half way, I wasn't running just buying some time. Besides it wasn't like the doctors would be rushing out to give me an update—at least I hoped they wouldn't. In these situations the longer she was in there the better.

I tilt my head side to side trying to crack my neck, desperately needing some sense of release of tension. But I guess that wasn't in my cards tonight. I pass one of the ICU waiting rooms, a thirty by twenty-five foot room with a bunch of comfortable chairs and a table which had a coffee machine on it. What caught my eye though was the fact that Kate was just sitting there alone, in her hunched over, brooding position.

She looked so tired, so worn down—so rough. She was covered in dried blood, her baby-blue blouse practically covered completely in dried blood—at least the front of it. The small trace of white undershirt visible suffering the same consequence. Her jeans were dark but I could still see the darkened patches where blood had dried.

"Fuck," I mumbled to myself.

What was wrong with me? She was on the ground when I walked in that room—she was lying down with Isa leaning over her. She was hurt—Bo probably fed her to keep her alive. Shit. I didn't even notice—I didn't do it intentionally.

When did I become this horrible of a person?

Not once did I ask if she was okay. And she helped save Bo—I'm such an asshole. Sighing I suck up my fear and walk into the the room carefully not sure what to expect.

"Hey," I say softly.

"Hey," she snorts out in a laugh. "Bo better?"

"No—I don't know,"

"Ah well," she snorts again looking up at me seeing the weird looking I'm giving her at her response. "Well I had just assumed she had been healed considering you were now giving me the time of day,"

"Okay, I deserve that."

"Oh please Lauren, save the martyr bullshit." she shakes her head looking back down at the ground. "You went from being you—or at least who I thought you were to this one track minded, twisted, obsessed woman trying to get whatever she wanted no matter who it affected. And now you're taking a tour in martyrdom. I thought the therapy and a pills where supposed to help you find a balance."

"It—it takes time." I let out softly, trying to not show how deep her words had cut.

"What are you, the fucking Time-Keeper? Everything with you is time this and time that." she looks up to me and back down, this harshness in her tone that is only faintly familiar to me. "Time to get over Bo which was really just hiding your obsession. Time to give me a chance. Time to care for me. Time to accept me. Time to allow me a precious spot in your life. Time to allow me to touch you. Time to make time for me. Time to deem me worthy of your attention. Oh now Bo is back in the picture—now you need time to fuck her! Time to get your kicks out with her. Time to play the mistress. Time to get over it. Time to figure shit out. You just need a lot of fucking time don't you?!" she growls the last words and I don't move. "I won't do it Lauren," she says like the words are vile but she doesn't yell these last five.

"D—do what?"

"I wont give you an out. I won't do what you're waiting around hoping I'll do,"

"And that would be?" I ask softly looking down at the floor like a scolded child.

"Leave you." I look up, breath catching in my throat and she is staring at me. Her eyes this narrow mixture of gold. "I won't gracefully bow out like you are hoping. I won't ease your guilt. I'm not doing the noble thing and backing away to allow you to go running into her arms guilt free."

"I wasn't hoping that-"

"Stop lying!" she screams as she jumps up, her hands having a firm grip on the wooden arms of the chair. As she comes to a stand she flings the chair forward from behind herself, it hits the window facing the hall but it just breaks the glass—it doesn't shatter it. It seems to calm her a bit—only a bit. "Stop lying." she repeats and it's not a scream but rather a continuous growl.

It finally happened, I finally broke her...

"What's the matter? Isn't this what you wanted? You begged for this night after night taunting me. Teasing me—antagonizing me over and over and over again. This is what you wanted to know I cared! Everything else I did was shit to you so here. HERE Lauren! Do you like what you see?" she growls coming at me but I don't flinch. She gets close—not in my face but close. "Do you see I care you now! Does this appease you? Do you finally understand I love you?" she grabs my arms and pulls me a step closer—it's firm but nothing to hurt me. "Do you?" I see the tears pulling in her eyes and I can't deny it hurts. It rips at my heart—maybe it even breaks it a little but I don't feel the pain in my soul—not like with Bo. And that possibly hurts me more than anything.

"Y-" I whisper, my hands grabbing her face and sliding down to her neck. I tilt my head forward, forehead resting against her's and for a moment it's calm. "Yes,"

"Good." she whispers and pulls back, hands going to my wrists gripping them to the point of pain sending my eyes flying open. She looks enraged, she pulls my hands away from her before dropping them like they were disgusting. "Are you happy Lauren?"

"What?" I sniff not understanding anything anymore.

"Congratulations you've gotten what you've longed for—I know you are so guilty over what you've done—I know you won't walk away now and I won't set you free—I don't care how I have to keep you—I will keep you. You've turned something healthy, something mature and adult and innocent in a way into something just as dark and twisted as the two of you. You wanted insane and uncontrollable and obsession and lust driven—you've got it."

"Ka-"

"You will stay here until she is awake and you are having a piece of mind that she is okay. Then you will come home, you will sleep in our bed and we will resume our life. The only contact you have with her will be for the kids and I will monitor what you write to her." she snorts with such disgust looking me over and I have never felt more ashamed of myself then this moment. I stay silent watching her walk the four steps to the door. "Don't look so hurt Lauren—you've gotten what you wanted." she looks over her shoulder at me, her eyes their normal form now. Tears falling freely as her voice trembles. "You won,"

"I'm sorry," I whisper as she walks out.

I feel like I can't breathe again. She was cruel but she was right—I begged her for this—now I got it. I just—it's funny to think all it would have took was a second to ask if she was okay to avoid this.

I had finally broken her—but then again that seemed to be what I did—break people—myself included.

I walk out into the hall once I'm sure she is gone. And head back to where I had started. I see Kenzi sitting there staring at the wall, fear radiating off her and I don't turn away or go to rip her a new one—I just sit down next to her.

"You ever think you hit rock bottom and then suddenly you find yourself slipping a whole other level down?"

"All the time," she whispers but doesn't turn to face me.

"I destroyed a good woman today—I think I broke my children too-"

"I took away a families' chance to be together away—I broke my best-friend without her even knowing it,"

"I broke the person I love the most in the world other than my children—and made her believe it was her fault."

"I sent someone I loved once to be killed tonight,"

"I—what?" I look over to her, eyes glassy. My train of thought being derailed.

"Dyson wasn't Dyson anymore—he was this shell of something we didn't recognize. He wasn't D-man anymore he was this—this monster. Your—your secrets weren't the only ones I found out about Lauren. He just changed—he became sick and it wasn't always like this—but he—i made justifications for his behavior. I made justifications for his jealousy and rage and even the times he hit Bo,"

"What?"

"I made justifications—so many of them and I—but when I found out what he was doing now. The threatening you and kids—and the fights with Bo. Bo and you yeah okay fine—but the kids. I know I have no right and you won't want to hear it but I love them like they are my niece and nephew. I- threatening them was too far and I was going to go to Kate or Evony. I was going to make sure he got the message to back off—but then I found out."

"What did you do Kenzi?" a dull panic creeping in my voice.

"He wasn't right in the head anymore," she pauses, tears streaming down her face as she looks up at me. "He was sick—he was letting those monsters do what they were doing. He was giving them a pass because they were the children of the assholes who gave him the job."

"What did you do?" I repeat harder than before.

"Bo told me that she was going to some warehouse and Kate was going to the tombs, she told me they were splitting up. She told me Kate had some of her pack coming and they were splitting up so I told Dyson what was happening and I knew he'd take the bait—he had to cover his tracks. Kate would have taken care of it one way or another—but I don't understand what happened. I don't understand how he took down Bo and Kate. I don't—I don't understand why Bo was there."

"Thank you," I whisper after several heartbeats of silence, tears slipping for the millionth time today.

"I never meant for any of this," she sort of whimpers and turns back away from me.

"I—I think I know that."

"Do you?"

"I think I do—now."

"I-" she trails off and I do something I never thought I would ever do.

I place my hand on her knee and lean my head against the wall, her hand goes over mine after a moments hesitation. We don't move, don't speak again—just stay there still waiting for something.

I don't forgive her—but I do understand her.

I feel pity and a shared sense of shame. I feel closer to her than I feel to anyone else in this moment—in a while actually. One good intention turning into something dark and twisted. One good intention turning into a series of heartbreak. One mistake destroying everything.

She wasn't a bad person—I wasn't a bad person—at least I don't think.

I don't think any of us are bad people—I just think we've all become so lost and broken that it's hard to tell the difference sometimes.