EPILOGUE: A Life Without Love

Weeks had passed since Lupin arrived at the Order of Phoenix Headquarters in stunned silence. No one bothered to talk to him when he flopped uselessly down at the kitchen table one morning. No one stopped and comforted him. He didn't want to be comforted. Actually, he didn't know what he wanted. Nothing mattered to him anymore; it was like the world had ended and now they were living in a peculiar void that looked remarkably like the world that had disappeared except for it held no joy. It held nothing. Nothing good, nothing bad. Everything was just nothing. Lupin didn't like living in nothing.

The day dragged on. Cold wind laced with large snowflakes whipped around the Black house. Snowdrifts formed along windward sides of the house. From inside, Lupin could hear Tonks, Bill, Fred, and George all playing in the snow. Tonks had been able to recover from losing such a close friend through her own stubborn will. She'd cried for four days straight, and then it was over. She was back to her old routine, but the laughter was missing.

Everything that day seemed to remind him of Erin. From the fish they ate at lunch to the game of chess that Ron tried to talk Lupin into playing. Even Dumbledore stopped by, accompanied by Minerva McGonagall. Their brief appearance had brightened Lupin's day slightly, but he sunk back into the shadows soon afterward. Tonks asked him to sled on the roof with good intentions; he almost broke down where he stood. A parcel arrived from Bates telling Erin that the Welsh team had won the World Cup for the first time in centuries. Inside was Erin's Ashur960, a card, and a fruitcake Bates' wife had made.

Lupin sat in Erin's room, it had been untouched since their return from Australia, turning her copy of Crime and Punishment over and over in his hands. A playbook lay open on Erin desk next to a series of scribbles on a spare piece of parchment just as though Erin had walked out of the room for a second and was bound to return within the minute. Lupin closed his eyes, hoping the nightmare he was living in was only temporary, and that he would wake up in their suite in Australia before anything had happened.

"Hey, mate," Tonks greeted without her normal enthusiasm. "How's it going?" Lupin opened his eyes and glared at her. Tonks nodded and sat down on the edge of Erin's bed. "I figured as much. I know," she sighed in response to yet another dark look that Lupin shot her. "It's hard, isn't it?" Lupin chose not to answer a question as stupid as that. Tonks glanced over her shoulder at him. "You miss her." Another remarkably stupid statement.

"Of course I do," Lupin whispered, staring at the cover of Crime and Punishment with its completely unreadable Chinese symbols. "And even that's an understatement."

"But you can't dwell on her for the rest of your life and waste away into nothing," Tonks said reasonably. "Erin wouldn't have wanted you to do that, don't you think? She'd have wanted you to move on."

"She didn't want to stay there," Lupin responded, mostly to himself. "I shouldn't have let her go to the game at all."

"But don't you think she would be more unhappy if you had?" Tonks asked. "She said it herself that she didn't care if Luka got her. She won another World Cup, she got to see her home again," Tonks paused. "Well, she'll be seeing it for awhile, but still."

"Oh, you're a fine one to be philosophical," Lupin spat. "That will be for the first time on record." Lupin shook his head. "I'm sorry, Tonks. That wasn't fair."

"It's alright, Remus. We're going through the same stuff right now. It's okay."

Lupin nodded, grateful for the understanding. "Tonks, I loved her. It's not as easy as just saying that Erin would have wanted me to move on. Of course I know all that. Of course I do." He rose from the bed and set the book he was holding aside. "Believe me, I wish I were able to just make my feelings leave. I wish I could go back to how it was before I met her."

Tonks stood up and stopped him. "No you don't, Remus," she said, shaking her head. "Think what you would have missed if she hadn't have come along. You'd be dead, I'd be without a friend, that bastard Snape would still be paralyzed, Molly would be without a few gray hairs, Ron would be without a role model, Fred and George would be without a few more Galleons..." Tonks drifted off. "Look at how she's touched every one of our lives. Don't you think that's remarkable? I think we should thank our lucky stars she came our way."

Lupin stared at the floor. "But..."

"Lupin, you've given me plenty of talks before," Tonks began, cutting Lupin's remark off short. "Now it's time I had my say. We don't even know if Erin will be hurt. It didn't sound exactly like they wanted to collect everyone from the Langhart family and plan a family reunion with the highlight of a mass suicide." Lupin was startled by the insensitivity of her statement. "Sorry," Tonks said sheepishly, "but they wouldn't. She'll live to see another day. We might yet see her again."

"But I'll feel so guilty if anything were to happen..."

Tonks tutted disapprovingly. "Now really, Remus," she said with mock scorn, "don't be thinking so old fashion like." She winked slyly and headed for the door. "Erin is a woman before her time. Quit trying to drag us all back to yesterday." Lupin watched her go and thought about what she had just said. Not that it made any sense whatsoever...Well, Lupin wondered as he struggled over it, maybe it does. Maybe I just don't want it to. With a curt nod of his head, Lupin followed Tonks out the door, feeling better, but still weighed down by an overbearing sense of apprehension.

Everything must come to an end. Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far. I will have to be honest and say that the reviews have not inspired to write, as this story is finished, but it has inspired me to update. That being said, it's not much of an incentive to review now, is it? However, I'd really like to know what everyone out there thinks should happen, or what COULD happen between our happy (or not so happy) characters. I welcome any advice at all. Email me at if you have any ideas worth bottling. That is to say, really freakin good. I'm plum out of them as of now.

Thanks again to one and all

J.S.