Hello, Time Bomb

Chapter 25

Domesticity

One

Shepard shifted uncomfortably on Kaidan's bed.

This was a mistake.

She was sitting in his quarters, one of the small, private apartments that were assigned to officers stationed on the Citadel. They were nothing special: bed, desk, kitchenette, bathroom, barely bigger than her quarters on the Normandy. A little smaller and duller than the barracks at Arcturus, but they weren't meant for extended stay.

All of this was a mistake. He hadn't come back from his hearing yet, and the longer she waited, the more she convinced herself she shouldn't have come. Or at least shouldn't have broken in.

In truth shuffling through the vents dragging beer and pizza had not been her best idea, but she had made it, and her cargo was intact. She just didn't know how to approach this now that they weren't on the Normandy. It had been two weeks since Ilos and she'd barely had time to talk to him, much less kiss him or touch him or do any of the other enjoyable things he had showed her the night before Ilos.

And what had she been thinking with this underwear? She shifted again, trying to settle herself comfortably, picking at the elastic of the panties through her pants. She didn't even know what possessed her to buy it. It just seemed like the thing to do at the time, but the salesgirl had given her a look, as if to say 'you?' and she hated that insipid bimbo with a passion. Marines could like sexy lingerie, and Kaidan didn't care about her scars. She hoped.

Did he?

Shepard groaned and leaned back against the headboard. How had he turned her into a lunatic? She was sure she used to be a rational human being.

She was nervous. Anxious. Scared! What was wrong with her? She'd faced down Saren without breaking a sweat. Now her hands were trembling and she was considering skulking off back to her own quarters like a coward.

The door slid open and she jumped. Kaidan jumped as well, his hand going for an imaginary gun. It took a moment but the recognition entered his eyes and he sighed.

"Shepard, you scared me."

"Hi," she said, her throat tightening.

He looked from her to the beer and pizza on the table, to the open vent above her, his face giving away nothing. She felt a swell of panic. She wasn't his commanding officer here, she didn't know what he wanted now that the world wasn't ending. He was going to kick her out. The stupid salesgirl was right, she had no business in pretty underwear that pressed her breasts together so that her tank top showed cleavage.

"How did it go?" he asked.

How did he look so calm? She felt like her internal organs were staging a rebellion and quickly gaining ground. For two weeks she had felt like this, her composure hanging by a slender thread, and he looked like he had forgotten she existed until she showed up unannounced.

She shrugged, hoping her voice wouldn't betray her. "Ac-acquitted. Ex-ex-exceptional circumstances. I wanted your help with – "

She barely launched into her preplanned excuse when he grabbed her hand and hauled her to her feet, wrapping his arms around her. In her surprise she heard a squeak from her mouth as she hit his chest.

She sighed and melted into him, all of her fears slipping away. Kaidan. She had missed the smell of him, of soap and shaving cream and engine oil, of tangy sweat and aftershave. She had missed his arms, strong and gentle, and the hard wall of his chest for her to lean against.

He sighed into her hair. "That's great news."

"Mm," she half-moaned into him.

"So we're celebrating?"

"Mm." Had he always been so warm? No, wait, she was here for a reason, her excuse wasn't just an excuse. She felt his fingers trace down her spine and decided that it didn't matter. Instead of talking she raised up on tiptoes and kissed him.

It was just like before Ilos, just like she remembered it, only a memory couldn't capture the thousand details the spilled over her. The smell of him, the tightness of his forearms against her back, the exact taste or heat or softness of his mouth. The sharp angle of his jaw under her hand, the rasp of stubble against her skin. She could catalogue for years and never memorise everything.

He pulled away from her, "No, wait."

Panic immediately bubbled in her chest and she fought to get a grip. The sting of rejection was so sharp and sudden that she felt completely out of control.

How was he so calm?

She said nothing, just looked up at him, waiting. He gave half a laugh and scrubbed a hand down his face. "Okay, clearly a few things need to be said here."

Her stomach felt like it was sinking. "Okay."

He sat down on the bed and she followed him. Her heart was beating a terrible, off-beat rhythm in her chest, but eased when he took her hand.

"Relationships are always rough, and the first one is the hardest, but there are some things I need you to know." He smiled at her and ran his fingertips along her jawline. "You don't need to break in here. You can knock, I'll let you in. You can message me, I'll answer. You don't need to make any excuses, and you don't need to come armed. I want to see you, you don't ever have to be worried that I'll turn you out."

Without even looking he slid a hand down to the small of her back, pulled Hello Bear from her waistband and set him on the table. She couldn't help the abashed smile from spreading across her face. "I'm sorry, I'm n-n-new at this."

"Hey, it's alright. Just save the batman stuff for the Reapers, okay?"

"Okay. Did you w-w-want me to go?"

His answer was to lie her back on the bed and start kissing her neck. She laughed and relaxed back into the mattress, tilting her head back to give him better access. Stupid salesgirl, she didn't know what she was talking about. She didn't have a handsome marine nibbling her collarbone or digging the tips of his fingers into her waist.

Shepard moaned, stretching out languorously. It was so good to be off the ship. For the first time shore leave was something she wanted, not just a waste of her time. She felt a thrill at the idea that she was now free to enact any of the dozens of scenarios that had been preying on her mind. She wanted him to do with his hands what he had done to her the night before Ilos, at the time leaving her aching and incomplete.

But she couldn't do that, not yet. After another moment's hesitation, Kaidan sucking lightly on some wonderful pressure point of her neck, she gently urged him backwards and sat up. Work first, then play.

"I do need your help with s-something."

"Hmm?" he asked, slightly dazed. His hand was still on her waist, sending electricity skittering across her skin.

"Paperwork."

He smiled ruefully. "You know how to show a guy a good time, Shepard."

"It's for the A-A-AAAM rounds."

He frowned, confused. "I'm sorry, what was that?"

She blushed at her stutter. "Th-the A-A-A... A-AAAM rounds."

His attention was just making this worse.

"The aaahm rounds?" he asked. She threw a pillow at him, he was being deliberately dense now. Kaidan caught the pillow and laughed, holding up one hand in surrender. She grabbed another.

"Anti-Aircraft/Anti-Materiel," she said, clearly, smugly. She frowned. "I should come up with a better name."

She replaced the pillow, realising that this game was going to end with them entangled on the bed again. With a stern look at him she accessed her omnitool and sent him the patenting paperwork for their rounds. There was a lot of it, and it was only fair that he helped.

"That's a lot of paperwork," he said. "You'll have to walk me through it."

He moved from the bed to the table, putting some calming distance between them. He tossed her a beer and took one for himself. She scooted back to sit against the headboard, folding her legs.

"Patents usually take six months," she said. "Sometimes longer. This is the first round."

"So developing the mod is the easy part?"

"Mm."

The forms were substantial but she didn't mind as they fell into a pattern. They drank warm beer and ate cold pizza and talked. He made her laugh. She couldn't remember a time when she'd laughed so much.

This was what she loved about him, she decided. His forwardness, his confidence, he made her feel normal. When he was smiling at her like that, saying something wry just to make her feel good, it made all of the times when she was isolated feel like a distant memory. She felt like the people who treated her as a tool instead of a person were some narrow-minded minority, Kaidan's opinion was the one that mattered, and he didn't see her that way.

"Say, Shepard," he said with studied nonchalance. "Reading through some of this paperwork, is there any chance that developing this mod was illegal?"

"No," she lied.

"Really?" He wasn't buying it.

She caved. "It's a catch 22. Developing mods is illegal, but producing them isn't."

"So if we'd just fed a chip into the cutter and seen what came out, that would be fine, but planning it is illegal?"

"If anyone asks, we came up with this on the field."

"If anyone asks, this was your idea," he teased.

He was still smiling, still laughing, still completely comfortable with her. It was fascinating to watch. As were his hands. He was dexterous in a way that she'd never noticed before, never paid any attention. His hands were huge compared to hers, strong. The pads of his fingers, thick and slightly calloused, had new meaning to her as she watched them dance over his omnitool. She felt her colour rising, an ache of emptiness inside her.

Keeping her eyes steadfastly fixed on her own omnitool, she realised that they had stopped talking. They were done with the beer and she felt a little light-headed, tipsy. Their work would be riddled with errors if the alcohol was taking effect. He kept looking at her, stealing glances every few seconds.

"What?" she asked.

He looked from his omnitool to her, then back down, then back to her, as if trying to make some decision. After a few seconds he closed his omnitool and crawled on top of her, his hands at her sides, tugging at her shirt.

"I'm sorry, I have to see what you've got on under here that's making you look so... so..."

She playfully resisted his hands but eventually let him win, blushing furiously that he was about to see her ridiculous underwear.

When her shirt was successfully thrown over his shoulder she resisted the urge to cover herself with her hands, instead sticking out her chin defiantly. Yes, I'm wearing lace and I'm not apologising.

Kaidan took her by the shoulders and looked at her, his eyes wide. When he spoke his voice was strangled. "Tell me you got the matching set."

She nodded shortly, then let out a yelp when he unceremoniously jerked her hips forward, landing her on her back, and started working her pants down her hips. She laughed helplessly at his enthusiasm, giddy at her vindication. She had been right, he didn't care about the scars.

When he was done, her boots and trousers in a heap on the ground, her skin tingling where his hands had traced, he stepped back to look at her.

"You trying to kill me, Shepard?" he asked hoarsely.

"Is it w-working?"

"Yeah." He crouched down beside the bed and took her hands, pressed kisses to her knuckles. "Let me take a picture."

"A p-p-picture?"

"Yeah. If I don't have proof I'm going to think that I imagined all this. My beautiful commanding officer in lace underwear. For my eyes only, I promise."

She bit her lip. "On one condition."

"What's that?"

She leaned close to him. "Do that thing with your hands again."

"I don't need any incentive to do that, Commander."

When he stood up she turned her face away so that his camera wouldn't catch the worst of her scarring, but he told her to look at him and she knew in that instant that he felt for her what she felt for him. Only this creeping insanity could make him ignore her flaws, and she never wanted to let go of it.

As soon as she heard the click of his omnitool's camera, she dragged him back to claim her reward.

It was just as good as she remembered, maybe better. They were in no rush, the world wasn't ending and they weren't waiting to be woken up by a call to battle. So when he had her shaking in his arms she screamed, not worried about her crew just outside the door. And when she could move again she tried using her mouth on him, surprised and delighted as she watched her immovable protector fall to pieces underneath her, trembling, panting, calling her name.

Hours later, exhausted, sore and sated, she watched him sleep. She had never imagined any of this. She had never imagined anyone being so kind to her, or so gentle with her. In this space they were equals, she could put herself in his hands and know that he would look out for her.

She'd never imagined that falling in love would feel so good.

It terrified her to know that it would have to come to an end. Her contract was too strict. It didn't expressly forbid personal relationships, but more broadly any commitment which could interfere with her duties. No fraternisation, no marriage, no children.

They wouldn't stop her, for now. As long as it didn't interfere with her Spectre duties, she didn't fall pregnant, and they kept it discreet. But eventually the conflict of interests would come to the surface.

For the first time since she had signed that contract, she wished she hadn't.