Hey, Malik,

Recently I've been having some big troubles in my life, and, well, I've been actually considering suicide on some occasions (not the "I'm cutting my veins already and writing fare-well letters as we speak" kind, but still).

Do you maybe have some advice for such thoughts? Did you yourself have thought about ending it all? And what is the view of assassin's on suicidal people in general?

With respect, Arsaja

Safety and peace, Arsaja.

I know very well what kind of thoughts that you are experiencing. If I am correct, you are perhaps not to the point where you are actually planning your death (saying goodbye to the people you love, giving away possessions, etc), but you are desperately hoping that some terrible accident will occur that results in your death.

I have experienced these thoughts myself. Although I never actually raised a blade to my wrists or throat, I was bitterly disappointed every time I woke up in the infirmary after the amputation of my arm. I honestly felt that the world, let alone the Brotherhood, had no place for me any more; I had gotten the treasure that Al Mualim required, yes, but I did not think that there was any point in my continued existence… especially since I had not only lost a limb and my position as a high-ranking assassin, but also my little brother, whom I had raised since I was thirteen (half of my life, by the time he died).

Now, the assassins generally view suicide and thoughts such as these as dishonorable, but I can not disagree more. I think that it takes a lot of personal strength to admit to yourself that you are thinking of ending things and it clearly displays this personal strength to make the decision to keep going, even though you want to die so badly.

To be honest, after I was released from the infirmary, I kept myself alive out of spite. Yes, somewhere in the back of my thoughts I still wanted to die… I thought that it would be easier to just have everything… end, than to live as I have to live now. Alone, as a cripple who had lost everything.

I decided that I wanted Altaïr to see the damage he had caused with his actions and his utter and blatant disregard for the Creed. Even though I wanted things to end so badly, especially in the beginning, I would force Altaïr to see what he had done and I forced myself every day in that bureau to be a living reminder for him of what he had done.

Now, I am very well aware of how cliché this sounds, but if you are thinking about ending things, wait because it will get better. I know, I know; that's probably what every single person you have talked to about this or all of the research you have done will have told you the same… so much so that you may be doubtful about this statement and are probably tired of hearing it, but I honestly believe it. If I had succumbed to the darkness in my mind back then, I would have never been able to experience the things that I have now. I would have never been able to meet Altaïr's children, nor would have I been able to help him run the Brotherhood (it's a good thing that I was around for the latter, too; I've seen his organizational skills, and I am certain that if I were not around our organization would not have progressed to the point it has now).

I can say with confidence that I am glad that I did not die back then, although if I could change things back then, I would not stop myself from feeling the way I felt because it made me who I am today.

I know how difficult it is to make the decision to continue when it all seems so pointless. My advice to you is to tell people how you feel. If you tell them about the dark emptiness inside of your mind, especially people who have experienced the same and surpassed it themselves, they will be able to help you. I really appreciate you telling me this.

If telling people is not a possibility for you (whether because you do not have someone other than me you can tell or because it is too difficult to tell someone else), I suggest making "checkpoints" for yourself. When I felt this way, I would give myself "goals." I would tell myself things like, "Just wait until the next meal, until you finish this map, until you go to bed, until a certain assassin leaves Jerusalem…" I continued with this until I did not feel the need to only get through a certain amount of time.

Once again, I really appreciate you coming to me about this and I certainly hope that you are able to beat your depression.

Yours,

Malik Al-Sayf

Note: Normally I would leave this until after finals week, but this one seemed important.

I know EXACTLY where you are coming from, and I really wrote this from the heart. I am so sorry that you are depressed and (once again) I am well aware of how silly and ridiculous it sounds when people are constantly telling you "it gets better! :) :) :)"

Honestly, I know how badly you want this. When I was depressed (maybe two years ago, when I was in my junior year of high school because I was afraid of graduating and what the world would bring when I went to college. I was so afraid of what was going to happen and whether or not I was going to be successful in life) a day did not go by when I did not fantasize about getting hit by a bus on my way to class every morning. I wanted to die more than anything else in the world. Honestly, the only reason why I didn't actually kill myself was because I was worried about how my family would react finding my body and how it would mess up my little sister.

Now, though, I am completing my freshman year of college. I am enjoying my classes and I am still friends with the people I was friends with in high school (they did not immediately abandon me when I graduated like I had been imagining).

I won't pretend to know exactly what you're going through, but I beg of you; do NOT try to kill yourself! People care about you, and I honestly think that you are very strong and very brave for making it this far.

This goes for all of you who are reading this. Please message me if you are considering suicide, because I am here for you. I know exactly where you are coming from, and I WANT TO HELP YOU.

Otherwise, if you don't want to talk to me, the National Suicide Hotline for the United States is 1-800-273-8255, or if you need specific help go to the suicide prevention lifeline. org website, where they have specific lines for youth, Native Americans, members of the LGBT+ community, people who are deaf or hard of hearing, people who speak Spanish, and more. Arsaja, according to your profile, you live in Lithuania, so the youth hotline is 8 800 28888, or the women's hotline is 8 800 66366.

As for people who do not live in either of these countries, I encourage you to look up the suicide hotline that is set up for your country or area.