Chapter Twenty-Six: Without Warning

Early in life you learn that there is no easy way out of it. You can't undo, you can't trade, and no amount of wishing will change anything. It is the same with time. You can't get it back, and you can't move it forward. One maniacal sorceress even tried to compress it, but neither Squall nor Rinoa thought that even Ultimecia could have escaped the horror that sat on the table in front of them. Squall and Rinoa wished they could move quickly past the consumption of the steaming bowls of consommé in front of them.

It smelled like chowder… but it certainly didn't look like it.

Rinoa just wasn't expecting it to be green. Yes, she had heard Maude when she said it was made out of a Caterchipiller. That statement actually didn't faze her. The young sorceress was brought up in a society where it was impolite not to at least try a food someone else offered. There were many exotic foods she was exposed to, and she had found that at least eight times out of ten she actually liked something that at first glance looked completely disgusting.

This however, was very different. It was thick, green, and chunky. Several different kinds of chunks at that…she could see pieces of exoskeleton and that piece floating at the top corner of her bowl resembled what looked like an antennae. This was pushing her stomach to the extreme.

Squall didn't know where to start. He tried to think of a way to ease the inevitably horrid taste that was about to explode in his mouth. The headmaster tried to deduct whether it was better to drink all of his water first so he would fill up faster or if he should wait until after he ate the soup before downing the entire glass to wash the flavor away and keep himself from throwing up. He knew his stomach shouldn't be turning at the sight of this garbage. It wasn't becoming of a headmaster of a military facility. In the field they were trained to eat for survival. SeeDs consumed what was available, be it the flora or the fauna of the given area. He decided to suck it up and take this like the man he supposedly was as he dipped the spoon into the thick substance and shoved it into his mouth without anymore hints of reservation.

Years of intense military training were quickly being pushed to the brink of sanity.

There was always something haunting about his eyes, something seemingly desperate. Elise had tried to find what was locked behind them, the secrets buried underneath their fiery surface. The truth was maybe he, himself, didn't know. He was always searching for answers to questions that he had never asked. Questions that he didn't even know existed. Yet the answers were always there - obscured in the fragments of his past. He just didn't know where to look, he couldn't have. But somebody did. Somebody had always known the truth.

As much as she wanted to blame Cid Kramer and the entire Garden system for Squall's demons, she knew they were only doing what was deemed in his best interest. If you could say anything was to be in his 'best interest.' Would his state of mind have improved in knowing that he was a sorceress' knight? Or would the fact that it was labeled his 'duty' to protect Rinoa have made his self imposed damnation even worse? But by shielding him from the truth, did Garden also do irreconcilable damage? Maybe the damage had already been done years before; they were only trying to keep him from the last irreversible step.

Still in her mind, it was surreal to think that her fiancé was a knight, a fabled hero in countless tales. It felt like a cruel joke. It might have been romantic, albeit tragic, if she hadn't been the third player in this saga. But right now all she could believe was that this whole thing was twisted and sick. As much as he needed not to know the truth, he needed to know the truth even more.

He wasn't well. She had always known it, but she also believed she could help him, could save him from himself. Most of the time he appeared perfectly normal, but there was always something he was hiding. It was that truth he was closely guarding behind the surface of his eyes. A part of him always had been missing; he was always searching for something greater. Maybe someday he could find it, maybe he never would. Their relationship was his attempt at normalcy, to fight all the questions he didn't know how to ask - to the answers that sought him out while he slept. When everything inside of him was telling him to dive back into the darkness, he tried to hold onto that sliver of light.

He had overcome his nightmares enough to move forward, trudging through the everyday monotony of life. He held his job and his place among his friends, though his mind had always wanted him to retreat, to simply give in. He had held onto her, through the nightmares and demons. Through that final moment when he betrayed his own mind and asked her to marry him.

But the one thing that he couldn't hold on to was that piece of him that was missing - the piece that had been sealed away in Esthar. Her. It was never about a physiological failure, rather something far more basic, his duty. The same military code of honor he had been raised in since early childhood. He failed in his duty to Rinoa. No years of the therapy or medication could ever erase that. As a doctor, Elise doubted that he would ever regain that part of himself, even if Rinoa was unsealed. It was too far embedded into his psyche to completely fade. She had missed far too much of life, and he would always accept the blame without any questions.

Maybe though, it could subside. That was all she could hope for right now - that maybe someday he would find some sort of inner peace. Elise had gone into medicine to help people, but the reality was, she had always been searching for help herself. A validation to a life and decisions that she often questioned. Her own failures engulfed her at times. Squall Leonhart would not be another one of her failures. He was something more and maybe he was the hope for both of them. Even if he wasn't going to be in her life, he would always remain a vital part of it.

Elise decided she would do everything within her power and study. She would learn about something that she as a doctor dismissed. It wasn't based on science, rather on a concept that she couldn't comprehend. Magic was always volatile; she liked to deal with absolutes. She committed to the idea that would teach him about his duty if that would save him from himself, maybe she could help him yet. That is why she had gone into medicine in the first place, now she had to remember those ideals.

She doubted even Rinoa knew about the connection between a sorceress and her knight. It appeared the young woman had gone to great lengths to keep her anonymity, though the doctor could hardly blame her. Officials in Esthar had to have known, which consequently led her to believe that Laguna had to have known. As a psychiatrist she realized this simple fact would not go unnoticed by Squall. His estranged father had been keeping something like this; Rinoa had always been the central part of the questions consuming him. It was already an unstable relationship - this might have been the final betrayal. Hell, even she had spoken to Laguna several times. Everything became painfully obvious in retrospect.

In her hands Elise held the borrowed copy of 'Calling the Wind.' The young doctor skimmed through the discolored pages, which had aged with time and wear. The book was fairly small, highlighted by a few water-colored illustrations. The drawings appeared older, they could have been done ages ago, but the copyright was issued only in the last quarter century. She flipped through the pages finally stopping at a picture of the sorceress. She wore a flowing gown with a high waist, something inspired by Centra's Renaissance period. At least there was one thing she could tell Annette when she returned the book, the sorceress was beautiful.

She continued on to find a picture of the knight, and he did have a horse just as the little girl said. A majestic white stallion, of course... Could have it been any more cliché? A dashing hero mounted upon an animal that now bordered on the edge of mythic. A fairy tale in itself now long vanished from the world… much like the knight and sorceress portrayed in this book. His clothing was also indicative of the forgotten era, a tunic, gauntlets, and a shield depicting his coat of arms. Still, there was a familiarity about this book she couldn't shake. She might have read other stories by Mareé Drake. Maybe as a child she had read others in the series. That is, if this was part of a series. She would run an internet search on the author later. Right now she had to find the courage to read the book and hope it held some of the answers she was searching for.

Dear God it was worse than he imagined.

His first reaction was to spit the slimy chunk out across the table then run and shove his head under the kitchen faucet drinking water until his stomach burst, until he was rid of this horrible concoction that slid down his throat. Squall however showed none of this inner turmoil to the woman sitting across from him. He would, without any hesitation, endure the fires of hell for her. Heaven knows he had done enough for that he could never make up for already. He didn't want to add more anguish by hurting her feelings telling her that her only friend in Winhill had the culinary skills of a Malboro. Even though he could hardly stand to be in the same room with Maude McCay, she did seem to mean a lot to Rinoa. And that was enough to endure this soup… that was no doubt served as an appetizer in one of the lowest levels of hell.

Rinoa however, wasn't wearing her poker face quite as well. How could anyone stomach this shit? Dear God in heaven she loved Maude like a family member, but Rinoa didn't think she could tell her friend that this chowder was actually delicious with a straight face. She swallowed with difficulty, bowing her head and closing her eyes tightly. It bordered on the line of actually being painful to eat. After drinking half of her glass of water she glanced at Squall, he couldn't be enjoying this, could he?

He was virtually a stone statue with a set expression. His eyes betraying nothing as he took another bite from his spoon and chewed as if it was nothing. His gaze was cast downward to the bowl as he focused on the task at hand. If he was having trouble eating, that fact was lost on her. The young woman did her best to compose herself. She wasn't going to draw his attention by acting like a spoiled child this time. Of course, she had done it to him before, back when she was young and stupid.

That Rinoa however, was long gone. At least… she wasn't that young anymore. The way she behaved back then… it was no wonder he could never stand being around her. Here was the same man she saw eight years ago, with a virtually unchanged maturity about him. Not because he was still immature, but because he had disciplined himself and reached that maturity by the time he was seventeen. She had never appreciated that before. The fact was, she never spent a lot of her time noticing him, not until that extremely short duration of time before she was sealed. She finally saw part of what was underneath, she saw a glimpse of his potential. But did she ever spend any of her time just seeing him for who he truly was?

It was almost an adolescent game to her back eight years ago, a childish version of cat and mouse. She spent so much time trying to get him to take notice in her. It wasn't as if she spent her teenage existence thinking about her appearance, but it wasn't like she was not influenced by it either. Now the harsh reality remained - how much time had she spent truly noticing him? His persona was a dream, an ideal, a seemingly perfect package of morality shrouded behind the unknown.

In short, he was a challenge.

Rinoa Heartilly was always willing to accept confrontation head on, just ask Caraway. That is, if one could, but even that chance of reconciliation had been buried next to her mother. She would have cried, if she could, but not in front of Squall... and certainly not for a man who probably never shed a tear at her fate.

She forced another spoonful of 'chowder' to her lips, breathing through her mouth, trying to curtail the rancid taste. It wasn't working; a fifth of vodka wouldn't mask the flavor. How in the hell was she supposed to keep this down? It was unnatural to see sliced pieces of Caterchipiller thorax floating next to chunks of potatoes and carrots. She was twenty-five now, not that feeble teenager. For God's sake, after everything she had endured, this damn soup was nothing.

The young sorceress gagged as the liquid equivalent of Blobra excrement, painfully slid down her throat. It took all of her willpower to keep her dignity intact along with the contents of her stomach. A natural gag-reflex took over and she started choking. Not to mention the fact that she was positive that there was a section of giant insect antenna lodged between her teeth. It was all she could do to reach for her glass of water, chugging the remaining half of its contents in one swift motion.

So much for refined etiquette, she should have been honored to have a person of his stature dinning with her. In her mind, she should have been able to prepare a four-course meal. He was the Headmaster of Trabia Garden and probably was accustom to more than insect chowder or a microwave dinner. And here she was still the common adolescent, living off of the charity of others. With a set of olive-green plastic bowls older than her and mix and match set of silverware leftover from a defunct tavern. There was something so ironic about this picture; something that would have made her laugh, if she hadn't want to breakdown from her weakness.

"Are you okay?"

She looked up to meet his concerned gaze. She was so caught up in her thoughts she had almost forgot that she had lost her composure and choked in front of him. The young woman had to think quickly to cover for this.

"Yeah I'm fine," she rasped. "Just went down the wrong way."

Rinoa coughed again partly for emphasis she had been momentarily 'strangled' and partly because it still felt like that piece of antennae was scratching at the back of her throat. She attempted to draw the attention away from herself. "You need anything?"

"No." He muttered as he took another bite of Caterchipiller gruel. He had been willing his military training to take over. To complete a task without question, without objection, without showing any sign of weakness.

Awkward silence filled the room again. She felt her eyes begin to water, the taste in her mouth made a slow queasy bee-line for her already reeling stomach. It was too much and the willpower had vanished beneath the tortured cries of her digestive system. Glancing at the empty glass in front of her the sorceress had all she could stand. She left the table with the fanfare of a herd of elephants, nearly tripping over herself and knocking the spoon from her bowl as she stumbled for the kitchen.

The bits of soup that were flung from her spoon formed a pattern against the faded floral wallpaper as it descended like a slow moving, olive colored avalanche. Rinoa didn't notice as she focused on the one salvation to save her from this culinary nightmare. Knowing she had no time to be civil enough to fill up another glass she jerked the kitchen faucet on and ducked her head into the cascade of water that fell into the sink below.

Initially most of the liquid missed her mouth as she struggled for position under the tap. It was freezing cold and already her body began to tremble but she didn't care, her mouth needed cleansing from that horrid poison. Silently she wondered how anyone could develop a taste for the soup. Hell someone starving on the brink of death would have to choke on this stuff and consider the alternative.

When she felt that she had downed about a gallon of water she gathered one more mouthful, swishing it around to cleanse her teeth of any stray insect chunks and spit it into the drain. Rinoa sighed with relief as she brought her head up from the depths and brushed her hair aside. Her relief quickly turned to shock and embarrassment as she turned to see Squall staring at her with a wide eyed gaze.

"God he must think I've completely lost it." She thought as the blush crept up her neck and into her cheeks in a scarlet display of shame and the water dripped from her bangs and face with complete abandon to the linoleum floor.

"I'm s-sorry," she stammered. "It was just so, so awful! I couldn't stand it anymore, I know this…this is very uncivilized and inexcusable…I'm sorry for my outburst, I hope you're not too offended. I'm sure this isn't something you're used to seeing at dinner in Trabia. I…"

"Are you done with that?" He interrupted as he pointed to the still running tap of water.

"Oh…yes I'm sorry I forgot to turn it of–"

"No, please, don't bother." He said quickly as he stopped her hand gently with his own and dove into the water face first drinking in long steady gulps. The young woman was taken aback in surprise and remained slack jawed until he had brought his head back out of the sink, turned the water off, and brought his gaze back to her. Water dripped from the hair that hung over his face. She could barely see his eyes beneath as he used the back of his hand to wipe the excess water off his mouth.

It was then that she burst out laughing.

Squall brushed the locks of damp hair from his eyes and looked at her. She was doubled over with her arms around her sides, until he found it hard to control the corners of his mouth and the chuckle that rose threateningly in the back of his throat. Soon he couldn't hold it any longer and his laughter fell from his lips intertwining with hers.

"It…it was terrible wasn't it?" She managed between gasps.

He smiled at her. "Terrible doesn't begin to describe it." The headmaster reached over to the counter grabbing the dish towel and handing it to her. Rinoa wiped her face and handed it back to him, still unable to control her laughter.

"Thank you." She said as she watched him use the towel to wipe the water off of his own face.

"No problem." He responded, placing the towel back on the counter.

They were both relieved with each other's admission, and it made the situation all the more humorous. Both of them were trying so hard not to hurt the other's feelings. Now here they stood both revealing their truth, and it was quite possibly a universal truth. Caterchipiller chowder was the worst soup in creation, if not the worst food. For a few moments they shared a laughter that neither of them had in a very long time.

"You looked so calm Squall, I thought you were enjoying it."

"No. That was the worst thing I'd ever tasted…I didn't want to hurt your feelings by putting your friend's cooking down."

"God knows I love her. But the next time she brings that over, I will hand that pot back to her and slam the door!" She giggled. "I just thought it was something maybe you're used to eating. I'm sure you have to go to banquets and business dinners."

"We usually have hotdogs."

They both laughed again.

"Well I don't have any hotdogs. I do have peanut butter and jelly." She offered.

"That sounds fantastic."

Squall helped her prepare some sandwiches after they had dumped the pot of soup out the back door. Apparently it was something that even Esperanza wouldn't touch. When they had finished they sat down to dinner once more and had a much more enjoyable experience.

For a while, everything else was forgotten as they talked of the past and the fond memories of their journey with their friends, as few and far between as they were. As well grounded as Squall Leonhart was however, it was Rinoa who first brought herself harshly back to reality.

"That reminds me of the time two years ago when Zone, Watts and I had to go undercover to get supplies in Deling," she laughed. "You should have seen Zone he was dressed up like a–." She stopped herself as she saw the saddened expression on Squall's face. Her heart fell as she realized what she said and the sudden storm of actuality came roaring back.

"Oh…that…that wasn't two years ago was it? I'm sorry I guess I still have trouble with the time lapse. Everything seems consistent and ageless in my memories…but its not." The weight of it all crashing down upon her as the tears formed and the sadness fell faster around her than the laughter she had felt earlier.

Squall gingerly began reaching across the table to her, unsure of what he could possibly say to comfort her, to comfort himself. Because of him, she had no comfort from the past, only a chasm of emptiness between now and her old life. Though he didn't fully realize how much that chasm was his own.

"Rinoa…"

"I'd better clean up these dishes," she said as she stood and wiped furiously at her eyes while keeping her face turned from him. The young woman gathered up the glasses and plates and took them quickly into the kitchen.

He rose from his chair to follow her when he caught a glimpse out of a nearby window. The sky was darkening at a rate too quick for dusk. He saw high black clouds boiling and swallowing the remainder of the day. The young man watched in awe at the spectacle trying to recall if he had ever seen a storm move in like this. It looked unnatural, almost otherworldly as it moved towards Winhill like a September wildfire.

They needed to prepare.

He walked quickly into the kitchen reaching for her as he spoke. "Rinoa I think we should get some flashlights and candles, there's a storm headed this way."

He'd barely got the words out before the sky flashed and thunder shook the walls of the house, rumbling through the two of them. Rinoa yelped and dropped the plate she was cleaning. It shattered against the floor scattering pieces of glass everywhere. She stumbled backwards and fell into him. He caught her and helped her steady herself. Squall felt the fear in the grip she had on his arm though the expression on her face remained unseen. He looked down at the top of her head for a few moments while she remained completely still.

"Are you okay?"

His voice brought her out of it. Shakily she let out the breath she'd been holding and looked to see her wet suds soaked hand wrapped tightly around his arm. She quickly released him and brushed herself off. The young woman turned and forced an uneasy smile.

"Yeah, it just startled me, that's all."