So, I finished work at 12 tonight, it's now almost 2, and I have to get up at 7 to go back, but I'm still determined to post tonight. If that doesn't deserve reviews, I don't know what does. ;) Thank you to those who took the time to review the last chapter!

For the record, I wrote the second half of this chapter in July 2009. I had a hard time deciding which lyrics to use for it, but I finally settled on these. Particularly with the title, they seemed the most appropriate.

X X X

Show me what it's like to dream in black and white

So I can leave this world tonight

Holding on too tight, breathe the breath of life

So I can leave this world behind

~~Breaking Benjamin-Unknown Soldier

X X X

Early morning sunlight streamed through the window as I lay in bed. Yesterday's storm had passed, leaving decent spring weather behind it. Beside me, Pony stirred and I quickly shut my eyes. Neither of my brothers had tried to make me talk about what had happened in the elevator, but I wasn't sure they would keep their silence on the subject.

I waited until Ponyboy had gotten dressed and left the room before opening my eyes again. Steve would be there soon to pick me up. Darry had asked again about me quitting work, but I'd said no. There was a part of me that wanted to just stay home, but I'd rather keep my mind busy. Darry hadn't pushed the issue; after yesterday, he and Pony had pretty much left me alone.

The front door slammed, announcing Steve's arrival. I pulled myself out of bed and made my way to the hall. As I got closer to the kitchen, I could hear Steve and my brothers talking in low voices. "He's barely said a word since it happened," Darry said. I stopped, realizing they were talking about yesterday.

"It sounds like a panic attack," Steve said. "There was a guy in my troop that had one."

A panic attack. It made sense. I'd heard of them, and knew they weren't dangerous, but I also knew I never wanted to have another one.

"I'm worried about him," Darry continued. "He won't go back to the doctor and he won't talk to us."

"Some of the guys from work are going out tomorrow night. Maybe I can get him to go," Steve suggested. "It might be good for him."

"What if he has another attack?" Pony asked.

"He can't hide here forever."

I backed up silently, not wanting them to know I'd heard. In my room, I sat down on the bed and sighed. I didn't want to go out tomorrow night. I liked the guys from work fine, but it would just be a night of bar hopping and girls. On the other hand, I didn't want everyone to keep worrying about me, and maybe it would avoid another argument. At least Steve would be there, so it couldn't be that bad, and I could always bail early if I wanted to.

X X X

"You'll keep an eye on Sodapop tonight, right Steve?" Darry asked.

Steve nodded. "Of course, Darry. But he ain't a kid. He doesn't need a babysitter." Darry glared at him and Steve held up his hands in surrender. "Alright, alright! Don't worry, I'll stay with him."

"You sure it's a good idea, Darry?" I asked. After seeing Soda break down in the elevator, I didn't know what to think anymore. I was surprised he'd even agreed to go out tonight.

"No, but we gotta do something. Unless you've got a better idea."

I sighed and shook my head. My last idea had sent Soda into a worse panic than he'd already been in. He'd had spent most of the past two days hiding in our room. Not knowing what else to do, Darry and I had let him. I didn't like the idea of Soda going out tonight. He could barely socialize with his own family; throwing him into a crowded downtown just didn't feel right. I bit my tongue, reminding myself that Steve would be with him the whole time.

"Morning." We all looked up at the sound of the soft voice to see Sodapop standing in the doorway.

"Morning, little buddy," Darry said, giving Soda a smile. "I saved some eggs for you. They should still be warm." Soda nodded and went over to the stove. "I've got some errands to run tonight, Pony. You able to find a ride to work?"

I nodded, not paying much attention. I was watching Soda, who'd taken the two fried eggs Darry had made and joined us at the table—no toast, no grape jelly.

X X X

"Well, look what the cat dragged in," Two-Bit drawled as Steve and I walked through the door of Buck's.

"Watch it, or you ain't getting a tip," Steve shot back.

"Now that's just rude! Find yourself another bartender if you're gonna have that attitude." Two-Bit winked at me and I felt myself smiling. "What can I get ya, Sodapop?" he asked, ignoring Steve.

"Just a Pepsi," I said, taking a seat at the bar.

"I'll take a Bud," Steve said.

"That'll be five bucks." Two-Bit's face was dead serious as he held his hand out. Steve pulled a dollar bill out of his wallet and handed it over.

"How 'bout one dollar and I ignore the leftover pizza that disappeared from my fridge this afternoon?" Two-Bit grinned, took the dollar, and turned around to get the drinks. Steve turned to me. "Seems all those years of drinking turned him into a pretty good bartender."

"He had to have a hidden talent somewhere," I agreed.

"Well, it sure ain't his looks."

"Hey! I heard that!" Two-Bit glowered as he handed over the drinks. Steve smirked and flicked a discarded bar nut at our friend before heading over to a pool table. I could see a couple of the guys from work playing a game, very clearly with a few drinks already in them.

"If you can't keep your friend under control, Soda, he ain't gonna be welcome here anymore." Two-Bit pointed a warning finger at me and I smiled again. Maybe this night wouldn't be so bad after all.

"Soda, good to see you!" Derrick greeted me as I joined the group.

"Hey, Derrick," I answered. He was playing Richard in pool and his attention was soon focused back on the game. I leaned against the wall, watching everyone. I was only out cause it would make everyone feel better, and even if the night turned out alright, I was still happy to stay on the sidelines.

After a couple of hours and a few new arrivals, the group seemed to be ready to move on. I waved good bye to Two-Bit on our way out the door and followed everyone down the street to the next bar. Steve hung back with me and I wondered if Darry had tasked him as watchdog. "Having a good time, buddy?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Yeah, it's alright." I shivered, wishing I'd brought a jacket. Spring was bringing warmer air with it, but it wasn't terrific yet.

"You holding up okay? You're looking tired."

I rolled my eyes at him, annoyed that he couldn't just lay off and treat me normal. He was right, though. Nightmares had woken me up in the middle of the night again and I'd never gotten back to sleep. Sleeping pills were starting to sound like an awfully good idea.

"I might head home," I admitted. The night had been okay, it had even bordered on fun, but I'd had enough of it for now.

"Sure, let's go," Steve said, pulling back from the group.

"You don't have to go, Steve," I protested.

"I don't mind. Evie's been bugging me for a night alone, anyway."

We'd reached a bus stop and I stopped walking. "Really, Steve, I can get home myself. I've been doing it for years now." He paused, looking unsure, and I became more certain that Darry had asked him to keep an eye on me. "Steve, go," I ordered. "Have fun. Don't let me ruin your night. The bus goes almost right to my house—I'll be fine."

Steve shifted uncomfortably before finally nodding. "If you're sure," he said slowly.

"Yes, I'm sure," I insisted, giving him a light push in the direction everyone else had gone. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Fine. Night, Soda." I watched Steve walk away, sighing to myself when he glanced over his shoulder at me. I knew I'd given everyone enough reason to worry, but I wish they'd realize that I wasn't going to crack up if I was alone for five minutes.

While I waited for the bus, I watched everyone go by, some in groups, some by themselves. I'd always loved people watching. Sometimes you could figure out so much about a person just by watching them for a few minutes. It was why Pony had so much trouble understanding people; he was always too wrapped up in something else to notice what was going on around him.

"Lookin' for someone?"

I jumped, startled by the voice that was suddenly behind me. I spun around to find a strange guy leaning against the wall of a building. He was older, maybe thirty, and a good half foot taller than me.

"Whoever you're waiting for, they're not worth it." He smiled at me and took a step closer. "And even if they are, I promise there's better out there." He winked and I felt my stomach turn. "You look cold without a jacket. Why don't you let me warm you up?"

A voice was screaming in the back of my headto run, but my legs were frozen. He came closer, lust filled eyes roaming over my body. When he was close enough to reach out and touch me, my brain finally managed to connect with my legs and I bolted. I ran as fast as I could, dodging around people, ignoring the angry yells that followed me when I knocked into them. Faces swirled around me and I kept running, away from that guy, away from the crowd.

My legs and lungs were both burning when I collapsed on the damp grass of the park. I was panting, trying to catch my breath after running so far. I remembered the look on the guy's face as he leered towards me and my skin crawled at the thought of him touching me. I clawed at my arms, trying to get rid of the imagined feel of his hands. Suddenly, I heard voices coming towards me. I looked up and saw two guys walking across the park, heading in my direction. They hadn't noticed me yet and I wanted to keep it that way. I jumped up and started running again, ignoring the pain that was flaring in my leg.

After racing another couple of blocks, I found myself at Tim Sheppard's house. I was confused for a minute and then I realized why my legs had brought me there. I hammered on his front door and tried to get my breathing under control before he answered. I'd mostly succeeded by the time the door swung open to reveal Tim, who was clearly surprised to see me; I wasn't exactly a regular visitor to his place. "Hey, Curtis. What brings ya to my neck of the woods?"

I didn't beat around the bush. "I need a gun."

His expression quickly became guarded. "What do ya need a gun for?" he asked, arms crossed.

"It's none of your business," I said angrily, trying to stay as calm as I could, which wasn't easy. I wanted this done fast.

"I think it is my business if I give you a gun and then someone turns up dead. What's up, Curtis? You know I won't say nothin'."

"Look," I said, taking out my wallet. "I can pay. How much?" I took a few bills out and shoved them at Tim. He ignored them and studied my face.

I tried to keep calm under his intense gaze, but it was unsettling and I was already anxious. "No," he said simply.

Anger and frustration pulsed through my veins at his answer. What gave him the right to say no to good money? "Why not, Tim? I got the money. I promise I ain't gonna go murdering no one. Just give me the gun."

Tim shook his head firmly. "Not a chance, Curtis. For one, you're clearly pissed about something and you're probably gonna go doing something stupid. Two, I don't need Darry coming after me if he finds it."

I glared at him, then spun around and stalked off. Fine. I didn't need him anyway. My right leg was throbbing, but I ignored it and quickly walked the last few blocks to my house, relieved to find it still empty. Darry and Ponyboy would be home soon, but I should still have a few minutes. I went straight to the kitchen and pulled the drawer open, quickly finding what I wanted.

I examined the knife in my hands, watching the light glint off the cold steel. It would be so easy to use it. I wouldn't have to remember anymore. I could finally sleep without nightmares. But by now some of the panic and adrenaline from earlier had faded and I stood for a minute, holding the knife. I pictured Darry and Pony coming home and finding me. I thought of everyone I didn't want to leave behind. But I was so tired. The memories were haunting me, eating me alive. I squeezed my eyes closed, wrestling with the two sides of myself.

Images of rope flashed through my mind. I remembered the agony of the night I'd spent tied up, the fear I'd felt when I'd realized they were going to do it again. I remembered the beatings and how I'd been completely helpless to fight back. I remembered Chu, his hands on my body, the pain as he'd forced himself on me, the feeling of being completely powerless.

Before I knew what I was doing, I'd taken the knife and slashed it into my wrist, dragging it partway up my arm before doing the same to the other one. Blood spilled from the gashes, pooling on the floor at my feet.

There was a momentary flash of relief, almost freedom, and then suddenly I saw Pony and Darry in a cemetery, standing next to three graves. I stared in horror at the knife in my hand. No…this wasn't what I wanted. Not anymore. I wanted the nightmare to end, but not like this. The world started to spin and I fell to my knees. The phone was across the room and I thought about trying to call for help, but it looked so far away. Everything was blurring together as I felt the warmth continue to run down my arms. I was so tired. I felt my body crumple the rest of the way, landing on something soft. A blurry shape moved into my line of vision and I blinked, bringing a teary eyed Pony into focus. Then suddenly Darry was kneeling over me, too. I could see them mouthing my name, but I couldn't hear them. I wanted to tell them I was sorry. I was so sorry.