I'm on a ROLL! No, seriously, go thank Chloé for this one, she was so eager and happy about a new chapter I couldn't say No. And it's a Thank You for an awesome meet-up, so be nice everyone and pay her amazing art a visit (batlesbo on deviantArt, go, go!). :)
I'm quite fond of this chapter, can't really pinpoint why. Ah well, here goes nothing.
veritas31: Yeah, so not her usual self... she isn't getting used to Hermione, is she? ;) You are quite right, right now they are nowhere near any kind of bankruptcy (what a weird word), but it has them at least worrying. And about lending money... well, nearly all of the pure-blood families are in kind of a bad place right now. They are either fleeing the law, in Azkaban or added their funds to the (failed) war efforts. Hrm, should have made that clearer. *notes it down*
bluewolf198: Thank you so much and you aren't annoying me at all! Quite the opposite! It's wonderful for a writer to see what works in a scene and what doesn't :)
imperfectionisunderrated: Redhead is not an automatic 'I like' for me, but IF I like someone, being a redhead is a plus. It's weird Xp Good it's not that cold where you are... because, apparently, there is snow in Germany. In May. Not kidding XD Good god, the praise, I'm burning up here! Thank you! I'm much to shy for this, really, I can't take it! SO, instead, moving on! Oh boy, I didn't know English wasn't your first language, but taking a look at your profile now... doy, way to go, Kurai. Go get yourself a cat, there is NO substitute for a cat. ;) Haha, 100 chapters? I'm sorry, but I already know how it's going to end... I don't think I'll make 100 :D And just for the record... DON'T EVER TONE IT DOWN! Your reviews, I mean. It's always awesome and such a fun read! Thank you for that! (In case you still have questions about the Amortentia or the whole scene after this chapter, write me, I'll clear it up for you :) )
Gandalf the gay Lol: Ha! Great song! I think she can ponder it for a while ;) And don't knock anything wet into your keys D:
Booky wormy hermy fan: God, I love that song. That's one good reason why one shouldn't live in the Wizarding World: You might not know Disney!
Crystalised serpent: Oh my, don't say that! Impossible is a legacy in it's own right, as is Promises Beyond The Thunderstorm. But still, thank you so very, very much for the compliment, it's crazy to hear something like that. :)
Tybalt - why Just because: Haha, that's amazing, thanks for reading and re-reading :D Hehe, that sounds quite a lot like high school. If it comes to this, I'll owe you an update, foo shoo ;)
Dawsen: In case you haven't heard of Amortentia, it's a love potion, which makes you fall in love with the person who gave it to you when you drink it. BUT, you can also simply smell it: The smell will remind you of the things you love. Unconsciously, Hermione was aware of her love of Bella, but refused to see it. But the smell of Bellatrix in the room and confirming it with the Amortentia told her: Yes, I love Bella, even the smell in the potion says it. The smell was kind of jostling her memory, or rather, pushing over the last barriers that the discussion with Ginny had already weakened. She couldn't keep pretending of not loving Bella after all these obvious hints. Fire away if you still have questions :)
CookiesFTW: Thanks! ;) Oh please, no zombies! I don't want to be responsible for the zombie apocalypse! o_o
chwee: Okay, my poison is cake. But shhh - don't tell anyone.
sugarspiceandnotsonice: Cutting off your hair is awesome. You feel so free after it!
DoubleMMia: Haha, I can relate, I'm sorry for putting you in that state! And the little evil part of me is happy you are addicted ^^ Fanfics have a tendency to do that with me! :D I turned you over? WOHO! OH GOD, please! WRITE! There is not enough Bellamione in this world!
OpheliaBlack: Whoa, pink. I went black once, that was already a big step (though people seemed to like it). Yes, it clearly gave her a sense of control and most importantly, it was a change she really needed.
lemon-rind: I think I would as well. Like, imagining falling in love with the family hates the most... uh, nah, better not go there, it would feel awful _o
yamiperv: No, Bella wasn't there. It's just that the room was really stuffy and lived in for quite a while, so Bella's smell was quite overwhelming, you were unable to miss it. And specific smells jog our memory... and H. was reminded of the time when she smelled the Amortentia in the Department of Mystery. And she smelled Bellatrix in the Amortentia, but she only realizes it in that moment. That's why she ran to Slughorn to confirm her theory :)
misswitty: I don't think Hermione even realizes she was snooping *g* Bella will have other problems to deal with soon then wonder who looked inside her room.. ;)
Are you Dobby: (No, I'm not Dobby :p) Who knows what Bella feels. Her range of emotions is cuh-reeeazy, I tell ya ;)
Keeks: Oh, wow. Don't put me to tears here! When I re-read what you wrote it... I- I don't know. I really don't know what to say. It's amazing praise to get such wonderful feedback. Thank YOU so much!
Snapesbloodredneko: I'm glad it's believable, it was a long way :) Well, you called, I answer, have a chapter!
Angoisse: Seems you caught on to my hints :D Love is in theeee aaaair!
Churnabog: Well, at least that's how I imagine them, I can't help it. But everyone can feel free to imagine them however they want :D And yes, it was in the books. But it's not what Hermione smelled like, it's what she smelled in the Amortentia. Hermione smelled some stuff she liked and Ron's hair, at least that's what the HP wiki says, and the wiki NEVER lies XD
dormideira: You're welcome, and thank you, I'm having fun :)
kisses from italy: Oh boy, are you okay? I hope nothing happened!
Pandora'sMoon: Cinderblock is about right, I think XD Haha, that would've been a twist, eh? Hermione under the effect of love potion! I tend to laugh at my cousin too... and I don't even need Twister for that XD
DarkndAngel9: Nice image, eh? :D Being hit with a brick continously can NOT be fun, but I think Hermione will deal with it ;) The love, not the brick. You know *g*
Bellaminion: Had my hair almost that short once, it's fun. Not anyone can work it, though. I don't think I'll go that short again, it looked a bit weird. But on Emma Watson? Hell yes *drool*
Haha, okay, the commentary is getting longer than the chapter and the chapter is huge! But I DON'T CARE. I LUV you all, people, seriously, and I will not NOT write back to you! Even though it took me an hour. And who cares about word count anyway? Right, NO ONE. Sorry, kinda hyped right now. HERE. TAKE THIS CHAPTER. It's dangerous to go alone!
26. And Worlds End With A Whimper
"Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly." - Sam Keen
In my next life, I'm going to be something that doesn't own tear ducts.
Thanks to a miracle or some godly intervention, Hermione was able to convince Madam Pomfrey she was feeling ill and suffering from a serious headache. The nurse, who had never seen the Head Girl come to her out of her own free will, even less complaining about not feeling good, promptly ordered the student to a few days of bedrest after seeing her with eyes red from crying. It was only the second day of school and Hermione felt bad instantly about abusing the nurse's trust like this, but she simply needed some time for herself.
Amortentia, the potion of love. Whose smell reminded you of the things you love most. The last time she had taken a whiff of it, during school, she had smelled parchment, tooth paste and Ron's hair in it, but this time? The smell of Bellatrix had been so strong, so intense that the other fragrances where nearly swallowed by its strength. There was only one conclusion to what that meant and it had taken Ginny's unsubtle ribbing to finally make her see the truth.
Love.
How on earth had she managed to fall for Bellatrix Black? If the Amortentia was any indication to go on, then it had all started already with Bellatrix Lestrange, the crazy woman wanted for murder and torture. Some - many - still wanted to see her pay for it, despite the trial.
But this wasn't just about others anymore, was it? This was about her own feelings, her own - albeit twisted - view of the former Death Eater.
So intense. So strong. And oh so beautiful. But that was all a right basis for attraction, yes, but why love? Why the strongest and purest of all emotions for someone like her?
When she thought back to it, their times in McGonagall's living room in the cottage had been wonderful. Bellatrix had astonished her again and again with her quick uptake and her understanding of the literature Hermione dared her to read, be it of Muggle or Wizard origin. Of course the woman had been nasty, degrading her the entire time, but despite that their talks had been the first glimpse at a wonderful, intelligent human being.
And then there was the memory of them standing at the coast, with Bellatrix mentioning her time in Azkaban. It was the first time she had felt a fraction of the older woman's vulnerability... it was there, deep inside her, hidden beneath layers and layers of anger, sadism and arrogance. It had changed something for Hermione, something she would never get back. Something that would lead to this day, this realization.
Hermione knew only a fraction of what had made the dark witch the way she was - forced her to, actually. Who knew: if anyone else of their Golden Trio had been raised in such a way, might they have ended up the same way? If they would have even survived the experience. One fact she learned from all of this was that all the Black sisters were incredibly strong personalities, whether or not they had been born with them or had been forced to build them up was of little importance.
Who knows... maybe, if things had been different, Draco would be our third best friend, not Ron. The thought had her first laugh, but the reminder of Ron brought back a wave of melancholy.
It was undeniable that Bellatrix made her feel things Ron didn't. All those months her unconsciousness had forced her to deny the deeper attractions she held for the former Death Eater, because it had been safer that way for her sanity. But it wasn't all just a physical pull, as she had made herself try to believe. No, if the raven haired woman was in a good mood, Hermione preferred her company to all others, finding herself often amused by the sharp humor and no-nonsense attitude. But there was another side to Bellatrix, a softer, weaker one she had barely managed to lay her eyes on...
Bellatrix breaking down in her arms, crying for the first time since Hermione could remember. Seconds after coming out of the room with a startling happiness and a dazzling smile that had the brunette in awe-filled stupor. Whether or not the dark witch had became younger, her eyes were still the same.
And it was something in them, something in the older witch's expressions and depth, that had Hermione drawn to her. So much that even after several times of abuse on the Isle of Lewis, she always had come back running to fix things. To prove herself?... Oh no. To get to the bottom of this madness and change Bellatrix herself for the better.
Hermione could, finally, see it clearly for the first time and acknowledge it.
I love her. I love Bellatrix. Bella.
Bella. How unfitting and yet so spot-on a nickname. It gave the mad woman a side of vulnerability, of humanity, that one wouldn't expect coming from just a shortened name.
Sadly, it wasn't just a problem between Hermione and Bellatrix. There was a whole society out there to consider, not to mention her own surroundings - friends and family. And that was the real crux. She was going crazy, keeping this locked up in herself. Whom could she tell? Whom could she trust not to turn their back on her for these feelings? Her best friends were a no go, as much as it pained her to say it. Harry was willing to accept Bellatrix might change, but this was a bit too much to take even for him. Ron... was definitely out. Ginny?
The redhead had always been beside her, keeping her grounded and lifting her up when needed. But the youngest Weasley already considered Hermione's attraction to the older woman 'weird and crazy', whether or not she tried to goad her into accepting her interest in Bellatrix. A crush, as the redhead had put it, was still ten times a different thing than falling in love with someone. No, as much as she wanted to trust Ginny, her fear of losing her best friend's friendship sat too deep in her bones for her to consider it now. This might just be the one little thing over the top their friendship couldn't survive.
Family? Hey, Mom, Dad, I've fallen for a murderer! But don't worry, she's just a bit violent. Good gracious, no way! The Weasleys? Yeah, sure... no. McGonagall? Well, wouldn't that be awkward.
Then someone popped into her head she wouldn't have ever guessed at three years ago. Funny, how things can change.
"Hey Hermione! I'm sorry to hear you're sick. I brought you a dreamcatcher, it makes the alps tangle themselves in it. That way, they won't nag you at night."
"But isn't a dreamcatcher for... nevermind. Nice to see you, Luna," Hermione greeted her, scooting upright in her bed with a sigh. I hope this was a good idea.
Luna, breezy and light as always, fastened the beautifully crafted dreamcatcher at the wood of her bed's ceiling with a calm that one could only envy. The structure of the gift was held in dark and light blue tones, with softly glittering, pastel-colored stones fastened expertly into the light blue net. Gray feathers danced in the gust of wind finding its way through her open window.
"It's wonderful. Where did you get it?" the brunette asked with awe, touching the newest addition to her bedroom carefully.
"Oh, I made it myself. I wanted to make a bigger one, but I didn't have enough materials," Luna answered offhandedly and sat down on a free spot of mattress beside the Head Girl.
Hermione blinked in shock, almost ashamed she had invited the girl for ulterior motives after she had brought such a unique gift. "That's... I... uhm, it's incredible. Thank you."
"You're welcome." The blonde smiled sweetly and looked at Hermione with that gaze that was never quite there, but so entirely inviting and friendly at the same time. How could she have ever talked badly about her friend?
"I'm sorry for all the times I gave you a hard time or said stupid things about you, Luna. They were all untrue. I guess I was just envious of your own unique talents and character. I... you're a wonderful person, I wanted you to know that." Hermione blurted all of this out quickly, lowering her head in an obvious feeling of shame for what she had done.
"That's fine, I already don't remember it anymore. I was always pretty impressed by you, so I'm just happy all worked out for the best." Luna smiled brighter and swung her feet back and forth. "You wanted to talk to me? How can I help you?"
"How did you-... I never said..."
"You sent Ginny away with a complaint about a headache, but now you just had a secret note delivered to me. So I guessed you wanted to see me for something specific," the blonde deducted correctly.
The Gryffindor smiled lopsidedly and fiddled with the cover of her bed. It was now or never. "You know, I always wondered how you could be so above... everything, really. Your family has its own, pardon me for saying it, unconventional way of seeing things and you never let anything really faze you. You stick to it and that's admirable. I'm at a point where I could use some of that strength. A lot of it." She sighed and leaned back against the headboard.
"What for? Did something happen?"
Licking her dry lips to gather courage, Hermione closed her eyes and hastily said it out loud for the first time. "I've fallen in love with... someone. And they are... unconventional, so you could say I've fallen for the wrong person."
Luna placed a finger against her chin, tilting her head in a distracted way. "It's not Harry, is it?"
Nearly jumping up in shock, the Gryffindor quickly leaned forward and stared at Luna with wide eyes. "What? No! No no no, not Harry, he's my best friend!... Well, one of them. But it's not him, not at all!"
"Oh, well, then everything's fine. I mean, Harry would have been a big problem. Ginny, too, in that case." Smiling at Hermione, Luna placed her hands in her own lap. "As long as they are available, I don't believe it's any trouble. As long as the two of you love each other, no one should dictate who you are with."
Feeling the adrenaline still coursing its way through her veins, Hermione gripped the covering tighter, until the knuckles of her fists were white. "Look, it's... it's Bellatrix. Black. I've fallen for her."
"Congratulations then! Wait, is that right? Do you say congratulations to that? Or maybe 'Happy New Love' or something?"
It were moments like these that drove the brunette up the wall, because Luna actually meant this from the bottom of her heart, without ulterior motives. How could she be so... accepting of this? No one else would! But wasn't this exactly why she had sought Luna out, to make herself believe she was not a bad person for the way she felt? "Luna, it's Bellatrix. Of all possible people I chose a former Death Eater! She tortured you!"
"To be honest, she didn't. I think I wasn't very interesting to her. I got that black eye from my capture... during all that running around and trying to flee, someone's elbow landed in my face accidentally."
"Okay, fine, but..."
The Ravenclaw pushed a platinum-colored strand of hair behind her ear, looking at Hermione in all the earnestness she was capable of. "I really don't see any problem, other than that Bellatrix might not be interested in you. But things like that happen in life. If someone wants to shoot their mouth off about you for loving someone for who they truly are, then you have to ignore it. You can't make everyone happy, not without sacrificing your own happiness for it."
"Seems like you speak from experience," Hermione inquired softly, wondering if she was capable of such an act. When she had been younger, other peoples' opinion hadn't mattered so much, but then she had gained friends and had to fight to show everyone she was more than just a 'Mudblood'.
"My mom and dad always told me to be what I want to be, otherwise I wouldn't be happy. 'Only the ones who really care about you will accept you the way you are', they told me. And he was right." There was a happy expression on her face. "I have the best friends I could wish for and I am happy."
The brunette was silent for a moment, deeply immersed in her thoughts and what Luna had told her. Bellatrix became a Death Eater because she felt accepted with them. If only someone had shown her the same acceptance, the same trust... or shows it now... maybe. One day. But would she herself be able to stand for it? There was a good chance the dark witch would scoff at her feelings and even if she didn't, Hermione was terrified of the reactions of those close to her. Yet she herself had changed over the years... to the point where she was in love with a former enemy. Maybe others would change their views too, once they understood where Bellatrix was coming from.
"So you're really in love with her then?" Luna asked with a touch of innocent curiosity.
"I think so. Yes. Yes, I'm in love with her." It felt freeing to say it out loud and be accepted for it. She smiled at her friend, grateful to have found such a friendship. Teaches you to be less judgmental about people. "But it's one-sided, I fear. Bellatrix doesn't care about anyone but herself and her sisters, she merely tolerates me out of necessity."
"You never know what could happen if you don't try it," Luna wisely added, then got distracted by the way the curtains billowed in the wind and launched into a theory about Nargles. Hermione indulged her patiently until she had the feeling her head might split open.
Although she wasn't happy with the revelation, which she now acknowledged to having pushed away from her unconsciously for weeks, if not months, it at least cleared up a lot. It was an explanation for the restlessness that had plagued her before the holidays, but now that she had accepted it, Hermione believed she was a bit more in tune with herself. A sense of peace came with this acceptance, or better, with coming to terms with what had churned inside of her.
Now she just had to find a way of living with it.
Bellatrix didn't check in with her at least once, so when the brunette came out of her 'cave' on the third day, the dark witch was lounging on the sofa, feet on the table with her legs crossed at the ankles and a newspaper in her hands.
"Good," the other witch commented, not even looking up from her browsing, "it was time you got your ass back up."
"Yes, thank you, Bellatrix, I'm feeling fine. No, I don't need anything. How nice of you to ask," Hermione spoke to herself in a feigned happy voice.
The older witch snapped the top of the newspaper down to show her an unimpressed face and a raised eyebrow, then she snapped it back up. "Whatever. Point is, you need to do something. McGonagall has banned me from going to Hogsmeade and you need to change her mind."
"Wait, what? How can I change her mind? And why should I?" How exactly did I fall for her again?
"Well, since you two are so chummy with each other, I'm sure there is a way. Oh, and it has to be something good, because you're banned, too."
"What?"
"Seems like the attacks on us made the Ministry a bit edgy and although it's their job to keep things in order, McGonagall decided to keep us a bit safer by locking us into the castle for the rest of the year. Which I believe is complete bollocks, because if those men want to get in, they will get in."
Rubbing the bridge of her nose, Hermione tried to make sense of all this after barely getting out of bed. "This is Hogwarts, it's not that easy to get inside. Believe me, I would know."
There was a rustle as the paper was thrown on the top of the table. "And I'm the one who planned the whole attack on Hogwarts castle. Draco's idea with the Vanishing Cabinet was a fortunate coincidence, but there were other ways. Some more, some less dangerous."
"Which would be?"
Bellatrix grinned cheekily, as always dark and charming. "I'm not going to show all my cards, honey. You go and get that admission for us."
Hermione didn't get it.
The Headmistress steadily refused to let them leave for Hogsmeade, even in the close proximity of several Aurors, because of the attacks they had already suffered from. Hermione wasn't even allowed to have her bi-weekly training sessions anymore. "I simply cannot have you both exposed to such danger again. It already could have gone wrong twice, I don't need another warning."
Frustrated and yet not entirely able to diffuse her trusted teacher's concerns, the Gryffindor admitted defeat and went down to get some supper to lighten her heavy mood. Ginny welcomed her with a close-lipped smile, as she had already shoveled a wagonload of food into her mouth.
"Wha' up?" the redhead managed to get out around a mouthful of potatoes.
Hermione told her what had transpired and was gifted with a sad look from her best friend. "That sucks. I'm sorry... but I'll get you whatever you want when we go there, I promise."
"Thanks, Gin, but it's not the same. I fear I'm going to get cabin fever, because Bellatrix will be getting cabin fever, which in turn means she's going to drive me crazy." Sighing, the brunette speared a poor carrot with her fork, poking around listlessly in her meal. "Say... how's Ron been doing since I left?"
"Ah, you know... sulking and being annoying. He's hurt, but that was to be expected. George was worried he might scare away all his customers with his brooding face." Ginny grinned, leaning forward on the table. "But don't worry, one day this will be water under the bridge. Mom is the one you need to be careful about."
"Why?" Hermione asked, suddenly filled with dread. "Does she hate me? Is she that angry?"
"She said, you don't have to expect a present to this year's anniversary of Voldemort's death," Ginny began, watching how Hermione groaned in horror. No present was a very, very bad sign. "But," the redhead then added with delight, "one sentence later, she forced me to promise I would make sure you'd be safe until the end of the school year and that if you needed anything, anything at all, she would take care of it."
The brunette took the hand she had covered her eyes with away and chanced a glance at her best friend. "No hate then?"
"Come on, you know my Mom. The only thing you have to expect is a bit bitterness in the next years and some badly veiled hints at what beautiful children you two would have been getting. I mean, you were the perfect daughter-in-law, now Ron needs to bring home someone who's as good as you. Which is damn near impossible." The redhead winked, causing the brunette to chuckle at her.
"I'm glad. I can take the side blows, but I couldn't take her eternal ire."
"Soo..." Ginny began, glancing pointedly down at her plate, "about Bellatrix..."
"Just don't go there," Hermione interrupted, tired of the whole topic. All this secret keeping had her weary.
Ginny appeared to be unhappy with that, almost looking as if she wanted to retort something anyway, but then she shrugged her shoulders and went back to eating. The brunette left the table a bit later in silence, getting back to her room to keep her mind busy with homework and school. Overthinking was her specialty and she didn't want to conjure up another breakdown.
But her mind couldn't let go of Bellatrix so easily and now Hermione didn't even wonder why. The next days she found her mind drifting off from time to time, musing what the dark witch was doing right now, what she was thinking, how she would react to certain things. Bellatrix had her own problems to deal with, some that she couldn't help the eldest Black with no matter how much she wanted to and it frustrated her. The only way she could help the woman was to dig up forgotten complications of her past and that was the surest way to rile the former Death Eater up.
But her discussion with Harry also lingered at the edge of her mind and Hermione had to admit, she was equally interested in what had made Bellatrix do something drastic as kill her own cousin.
So when the Hogsmeade weekend came up one week before the end of April, the Head Girl abused the Marauder's Map with a slightly bad conscience and found her other Vow partner hidden away once more in the Owlery. With the weather being very mild today, Hermione made her way up the tower, because she wouldn't have dared climbing it with the winds howling in a spring storm.
To her surprise, the dark witch wasn't sitting still and brooding like last time, but actually standing upright and feeding corn to the residing owls that weren't asleep at this time of the day. Bellatrix looked up in alarm when she heard the sound of steps, but relaxed at finding only the younger woman standing behind her with an easy smile and a hand raised slightly in greeting.
"Hey. Thought I would find you here."
"You seem to have a knack for that," Bellatrix replied with some suspicion, returning to her task of interacting with the hungry animals.
"Do you want to be alone?" Hermione pushed her hands into her robe's pockets, hoping the former Death Eater wouldn't mind her presence.
"I wouldn't be here if that wasn't the case, dimwit," the other woman answered with her back turned and a note of annoyance.
"Uhm, well, then I'll leave you to... whatever you're doing." She tried not to let her disappointment show after seeing that Bellatrix would have been in quite a calm, normal mood, despite being caged in Hogwarts.
"Go, stay, I don't care. But if you stay, at least make yourself useful and give me some of the bird feed over there." The dark witch nodded her head in the general direction and the younger woman let out a breath of relief. Which turned into disgust when she realized the 'corn' in Bellatrix's hands wasn't actually that, but bits and pieces of dried meat. Should have known that myself.
"So, I was wondering... would you like to talk a bit?" she began, feeling quite unsubtle while doing so. Scrunching her nose, the brunette took a handful of the feed and brought the smelly stuff over to the older woman, who obviously had little problems handling it. When she gave it to Bellatrix, Hermione felt that the other woman's hand was as cold as ice, but very soft to the touch. Looks like porcelain, feels like porcelain, she marveled, realizing too late that the dark witch was staring at her strangely and had answered her question. "Uh, pardon?"
"I said, whatever you want to talk about better not be any of the school gossip. What's up with you? I hate it when someone spaces out on me."
"Uh, sorry... it's the lack of sleep," Hermione lied hastily, cleaning her hand on her jeans. "Don't worry, no school gossip. There is something I was curious about and I thought..."
"What is it, Granger?" Bellatrix demanded, as impatient as ever.
"I wondered if you might want to talk about Sirius."
The feed fell down to the ground in a shower of red, while Hermione felt subjected to a harsh glare. The former Death Eater hissed and turned and for a second the younger woman feared she was going to simply leave her standing here, but Bellatrix simply went over to the other side and stared out of a large, glassless window. "I do not want to talk about Sirius." The last name was spat out in clear revulsion. That the air didn't fill up with bile was a wonder.
"Why not? I think there's a lot of unresolved memories connected to him, and I think it would help if you-..."
"Tell me one good reason why I should talk with you of all possible people about my secrets?" Bellatrix growled out, throwing her a dangerous glance above her shoulder.
Fascinated with the play of those endless, dark curls spiraling down the older woman's back, Hermione lost her train of thought for a second and had to shake her head free. Is it always going to be like this from now on? "Look, I already know quite a lot about you and your past, maybe even more in some topics than any of your sisters. I never betrayed your trust and I'm the only one here you can talk to," she logically concluded, spreading her arms to engulf the whole school into her point. "I only want to help. Okay, and find out why the heck you did this to your own cousin. It's also kind of a personal issue."
"Watch out, Granger, you're getting awfully close to developing a potty mouth," Bellatrix warned with a compelling gaze while leaning against the side of the window. "So you want me to bare my soul to you in return for... what? I'm not a charitable person, deary, as you might remember."
"A secret for..." Hermione grasped for an idea, "... a secret?" she finished lamely.
There was a bark of laughter. "What secret could you have that might be of any interest to me?"
Instantly, Andromeda's letter came to the forefront of Hermione's mind. It wasn't good taste and certainly not nice to betray the Black sisters' trust in her by telling Bellatrix about it, but certainly the raven haired woman would want to know what her family planned behind her back? The brunette was sure she was able to make the eldest sibling understand that it was concern and love for their sister that had Andromeda and Narcissa turn to a stranger and, at least in the Lady Malfoy's case, a Mudblood for help.
"I know something you don't. Something connected to you which I'm pretty sure you would want to find out about," Hermione cryptically answered, crossing her arms. "Do we have a deal?"
It appeared the pure-blood's interest had been raised, as she didn't immediately say No. The Gryffindor could see in the way the other woman clenched and unclenched the hand on her hip that she was contemplating the offer, although her face was directed at the school grounds.
"Fine," Bellatrix finally decided, turning to Hermione with a distasteful expression. "It's a deal. What is it you want to know?"
Feeling an entire mountain of tension fall from her shoulders, the brunette stepped to the side to sit down on a clean spot and tried not to ask too eagerly, "I want to know why you hate him so much."
Tsk-ing in that arrogant way only the former Death Eater was capable off, she puffed at the irritating strand of hair dangling before her eyes. "Ugh, because he's a bloody bastard and a blood-traitor. That it?"
Hermione raised her eyebrows reproachfully in a 'No, really?' way at the other woman and the older witch waved her off before the brunette could complain about her answer. Starting to pace around the Owlery, Bellatrix began a more elaborate explanation. It looked like talking about it was to her the equivalent of getting her teeth pulled out.
"That little imbecile was about... eight or nine years younger than me. I remember the time when he was born and what a painful change it was for my family, because my father was annoyed with having three useless daughters while his sister had a baby boy at her first try. He was such a pest and nuisance throughout his first years and got worse as he grew older, but everyone was putting it down to him having a 'strong, hot-blooded character'," the older witch imitated, using air quotes and clearly getting agitated just by remembering those times.
"Sounds like he was a handful," Hermione calmly commented, remembering some of Sirius' own stories and knowing that the other woman's retelling was tinted by her own hate.
"A handful? He was a bloody frustration on two legs, that's what he was. Even during the family outings he was constantly doing shit to make us angry. Only when he was sorted into the loser house Gryffindor-..."
"Hey!"
"Shut your mouth, I'm talking. As I was saying, when he was sorted into Gryffindor, the praise and talk about him stopped abruptly. Everyone was finally seeing what I had from the beginning, namely that Sirius was the worst pure-blood since several generations. Which in turn made my father even more controlling and temperamental, because now he became obsessed with keeping us three in line. It grew so bad that Andy didn't come back home the next year."
The former Death Eater froze, a troubled look on her features. She had a hand in front of her mouth and whispered something to herself, before resuming her walk jerkingly into the other direction. Hermione felt bad for ripping open old wounds, but she prayed it would help cleanse some of Bellatrix's purulent burdens in the end.
"Father was... furious. Livid. Those years... they weren't a walk in the park. It never was. But Cissy and I managed to keep him from dragging her back home by pushing Andy out of the family," she elaborated haltingly, not aware of Hermione's knowledge of her good deed. "We had several family meetings during the next years, as it is custom in most pure-blood families, especially the Blacks. I was twenty-two when we had one at our own home. That damned brat was there as well and he constantly mocked me, because I was the only one in the family actually confronting him and his stupid beliefs."
The brunette could almost see it in front of her: tall and dark Sirius as a youthful rebel and proud, arrogant Bellatrix hissing and spitting at each other. It was a dislike fueled over a decade, but she had the bad feeling that there was more coming. She remembered the shadows, the sad, haunted look in Sirius' face when he talked about his past and all the mistakes he finally acknowledged of having made.
"After the party, I was sleepless and wandering through the house... Sirius saw me and decided to be a brat again by riling me up and I had nothing better to do than chase him down the hallway and into the grounds." There was a visible nervousness rising in the dark witch, as she constantly tapped her left hand's fingers onto her elbow and playing with her bird skull necklace with the other. "That idiot... he thought it would be funny to let my father's hounds free. Thought they would chase me around a bit and scare me, because everyone knew I hated those mongrels. Didn't think they would be that aggressive. By the time they had seen me, I was already too far away from the house."
"Oh God... Bellatrix, I'm so sorry," the younger witch gasped out quietly in horror, placing a hand over her mouth. She knew that the Screams in the older woman's head were the reflection of the memory of her father beating her bloody next to the dog's kennel, so the trauma was already existing and deeply ingrained. She could only imagine how it must have felt to actually relive the horrible vision.
"Don't be so shocked. As you can see, I survived; it takes more than a few rabid mutts to take me down. And I can hardly blame the animals for being the way they were, considering the man my father was and how he treated every living being," Bellatrix groused, once more covering her anxiety with raw anger. "What I gained from that was a useful piece of knowledge. Considering I was surrounded by six dogs, when my father only owned five."
Hermione gaped at her. She knew? "You- you knew all the time..."
"...that Sirius was an Animagus, yes. Fat lot of good it did me. I was too hurt and traumatized for the next weeks to hurt him and a few months later he left the family on his own, so my weapon against him was useless. I didn't want to care about him anymore, even though Cissy told me the bastard actually felt bad for what he had done. I was too busy getting involved in the war and my Lord."
Pressing her lips together, the younger woman took a deep breath. "I... can understand why you hate him. But, you found out he was sorry. What he did was awful, but killing him over a mistake-..."
"Did I say I was finished?" Bellatrix hissed, standing over Hermione so quickly and menacingly, that the brunette pressed herself against the pillar behind her back. "Be quiet. You were the one who wanted to know."
"S-sorry," she hastily replied, wondering if the pounding of her heart was due to the older witch's proximity or the danger radiating off of her.
After shooting her another dark glance, the raven haired woman resumed her pacing, this time slower and more thoughtful than before. The threatening aura didn't leave her.
"The war went on and I heard Sirius joined the Order. We didn't run into each other or we would have ended this feud a long time ago, as neither of us is keen on backing down from a fight. The Dark Lord vanished, but I knew for certain he would come back, was put on trial, went to Azkaban and, nasty surprise, weeks later my cousin appears in prison as well. They said we were held in 'solitary confinement', but it was actually twice a month when we would be sent down into the courtyard for inspection. They never cared if we fought and killed each other down there, but most were already so loopy they stayed huddled in their corners and ignored the rest of the world."
"I doubt you two did."
"Of course we didn't. Cursed and shouted at each other the whole time down there and if it weren't for the shackles, we would have ripped each other apart. By the tenth year we had pulled out every old and new insult possible, attacked each other so many times it wasn't worth the effort anymore. Azkaban... was getting to us." Eyes clouded over with unwanted recollections, there was a quiver in her breath as Bellatrix spoke about the prison. The younger woman couldn't blame her. "We knew we might be trapped in hell forever, slowly going crazy. Or crazier. I was taking it better than he was, being used to constant mental abuse, but I was growing afraid, too. But I had a feeling he was planning something and offered him a truce."
Hermione leaned forward, intrigued. Armistice between two people who had known only hatred for the other? The description of Azkaban made her sick to the stomach, but she kept quiet, afraid of yanking the older woman out of her reminiscence.
"It had something to do with his Animagus form, I was sure of it. And when I saw his reaction, I knew I was right. So I vowed to keep quiet about it to any of the human jailors... in return for a promise." Bellatrix's eyes were coal black as she said this, her voice nearly a whisper. The younger woman had to strain her ears to catch every word spoken above the rustling of the owls. "I would keep quiet about his ability. But if he ever managed to break free of his cell and had a chance to flee, I wanted him to kill me first."
Feeling the blood drain from her face, Hermione could only stare at the raven haired woman with unhidden pity. To know someone as strong, proud and unwavering as Voldemort's second-in-command wanted nothing more than the sweet embrace of eternity was... disquieting. More than that. She felt her heart break at imagining the older woman at the end of her rope.
"I was getting desperate... losing hope the Dark Lord would ever come back. I didn't want to rot in there, to feel myself slowly grow truly and irrevocably mad. Getting a quick death was the last broken hope I had." Hermione was shocked to see Bellatrix's eyes glistening, glazed over, as if tears would fall at any moment. The older witch had stopped moving, even blinking, and was staring at nothing with an expression of such despondency, it took the brunette all her willpower to not go over and pull the other woman close. "But do you know what he did? Do you know what happened the night he broke free?"
The younger witch wasn't so sure she wanted to know the answer anymore, but forced herself to nod anyway. But the other woman needed to get this off her chest and, in turn, Hermione had no chance but to listen if she wanted this to happen. Bellatrix faced her and Hermione nearly recoiled at the amount of hate, fury and bitterness gathered in her gaze.
"He mauled me. That... that abomination of a man came to me in his Grim-like form, stood in front of my cell and looked at me with such arrogance and victory, I knew he wouldn't hold our deal." A pale, shaking hand, whether from anger or terror, wandered up the corset and stayed on the spot above her ribs, where Hermione had seen the horrible scars covering her skin. "He bit and teared at me, but he left me alive and in pain, on purpose. I shouted at him to end it, to hold onto his promise, to remember our family bonds, but he just stared and left. And I vowed to kill him. I screamed it after him until my voice was gone and even when they found me lying in my own blood."
There was a pause and the former Death Eater's ragged breath could be heard in the confinement of the Owlery.
"And I did. And it felt good."
Silence rose between them. Hermione wanted to say something, anything, but every time she opened her mouth, a lump formed in her throat and she felt utterly helpless. Bellatrix had drawn back to one of the windows, one hand clutching her side, while the other clawed against the stone frame. There was tenseness in her frame, a coiled spring ready to erupt into violence, but for once the brunette wasn't afraid of being attacked.
Even her mind was mostly blank, safe for the repeating of How can one human survive all this?
I wish I could have saved you from it. I wish I could have saved you from becoming like your father.
"Say it."
Jerking up at the rough command, the Gryffindor blinked confusedly. "W-what?"
"A secret for a secret. It's your turn, so say it!"
Oh. Of course. Trying to gather her scrambled thoughts and remembering what she had bargained with, Hermione slowly formed her own retelling. This piece of Bellatrix's past had left her beside herself and it wasn't easy to form the sentences and find the facts in her head, because her overactive brain was still occupied with trying to process what she had heard.
Oh god, Bella, I'm so sorry. All of this... all those years... Compassion had her throat clog up.
It was probably best to start with Narcissa. It was she who had come first to her, the letter Andromeda had sent had been later. It would also be necessary to mention the book and that the eldest Black's sister knew about her interest in Muggle literature-...
"I love you."
That... had not quite been part of the plan.
Hermione felt her body turn to ice and her mind stumble, fall and crash into several thousand pieces of Oh SHIT, while her tongue became lead. She started to shake. Why why why had that fallen from her lips?
Bellatrix hadn't heard it. The brunette had said it quietly, gently, it had perished between the owl's noise and the rustle of the hay and the howl of the wind...
"What?" Every flicker of Hermione's hope died instantly when Bellatrix turned with a look of utter incredulousness, staring at her as if she had become a pink elephant with several heads. Although that would have been preferable to what had actually transpired.
"I... I..." Deny it. Say it was a joke. Tell a lie. Play it down. SAY SOMETHING. But the young woman couldn't. She simply couldn't. It was like watching your car head straight for the chasm and no amount of pushing the break would stop you from falling down to your doom. Like a moth flying to the flame, fully aware of its demise. Hermione couldn't be anything else but mute and filled with trepidation.
The sound of laughter reached her ears, ripping her out of her frozen state. First it was a quiet chuckle, then it grew louder and then she could see the dark witch with one hand on her stomach, slightly doubled over from her cackling. It was hurtful and it had a desperately needed feeling of anger start in the brunette's stomach, causing her to stand upright. Anger was good. Anger meant protection. She understood why Bellatrix would resort to it so easily.
"You what? You love me?" More laughter; the older woman actually had to lay her back against the wall. Sadistic black eyes gleamed at Hermione, watching her like a hawk. "Tell me this is a joke. You really can't be this stupid."
"It's not a joke," Hermione breathed out dangerously low, clenching her hands into fists. The amusement was almost worse than the blows and hurt almost twice as much. Because it reached a softer place, a more vulnerable one, a spot she had thoughtlessly opened up to the former Death Eater and now she payed the price.
The laughter ceased instantly and gave way to severity. There was that ugly, twisted expression back on the dark witch's face, one she remembered so vividly well from her time in Malfoy Manor, causing her to fear the situation was about to get lethal. "This isn't funny, Mudblood. Stop saying such shit."
Mudblood. Again. If the laughter had been painful, this was a knife to the chest with a good twist on top, for Hermione had not realized how used she had become to Bellatrix calling her by her last name until the respect was once more gone in an instant.
"It's not shit, it's the truth. I never intended it to be funny. I can't help it, it just... is."
"It's ridiculous!" Bellatrix thundered back, taking a menacing step forward. "You? In love with me? I was wondering why you were looking at me so strangely these past weeks, but this just takes the cake. Did you mix up lust with love now? Did I give any indication that you're anything else but property for me? Did the Weasel not fuck you enough on Easter?"
"Stop it," Hermione growled, turning her head to the side at this crude language. The sharp words were like razorblades on open nerves.
"For a whole, bloody year you're blistering my ears with all that talk about him and how much you love him until I'm ready to be sick, when all your skinny body says is 'Fuck me' whenever I touch you, and now it's suddenly love?" Fingers touched her temple and pushed forcefully against her head until Hermione stumbled back, almost tripping over the foot of the pillar. "And they say I'm touched in the head. You're bloody mental, muddy, you are!"
"Don't talk to me that way!" the brunette shouted back, finally finding some footing. "I told you I can't help it, okay? I tried to forget it, tried to ignore it, but it became worse and worse until I couldn't even stay with Ron! I thought I was going to spend my life with him, be happy, grow old with the Weasley family, but then you had to happen!" It made her sick to talk of her feelings like they were an illness. She was so angry by now that there wasn't even a danger of getting choked up over the hurt.
"Go and get off this fancy, I don't want a lovesick puppy running after me," Bellatrix spat, a nasty grin on her lips. "This is so pathetic I don't even know if to laugh or be furious."
"It's not a fancy, damn it! You know what I smell in the Amortentia? You! What I think of first when I wake up? You! What I wonder about when I'm away from you? You, you, you! You're everywhere in my head and in my chest and I don't understand it, I might not even want it, but I can't help that I've fallen in love with you!" Hermione nearly screamed, feeling her vocal cords protest strongly at the noise level.
They stared at each other, breathing hard, fuming, light and dark, love and hate, black and white. A pure contradiction at first glance, but with a myriad of semblances when one dug deeper below the first layer. Connected against their will, yet not just magically. It was a recipe for disaster and a road leading only to sorrow and bitterness if they refused to learn.
Suddenly Bellatrix surged forward and the younger woman felt how the cloth above her shoulder got pulled aside, before sharp teeth buried themselves into the flesh of her collarbone. Hermione let out a shriek at the pain and pushed hard against the other woman's shoulder, breaking free the second she felt her skin tear. Wrenching herself away, she stared down at the bleeding bite wound with utter shock. "Are you crazy? Why the hell did you do that?"
Bellatrix grinned, the smeared blood on her teeth giving them a horrible yellowish color, not unlike the one they had after Azkaban. The mad woman carefully licked the tip of her tongue across of them. "Well, you love me, don't you? Then you love this, too, don't you?" It was clear the older witch was mocking her, clearly not believing her own words.
Hermione started to deny, because if there was one thing she wasn't into, then it was pain. And she clearly didn't love the raven haired woman's violent side. Bellatrix came at her once again, intending to do more damage, but the brunette quickly latched onto the other woman's wrist and began grappling with her to keep her away. She remembered with desperation how strong Bellatrix was.
"Come on, dearie, how about a romp here in the Owlery? Dirty and kinky, right on the floor," the dark witch husked at her, pushing her body closer while they struggled. "I never wanted sex with a Mudblood, but I'll give in for once. It'll be fun to defile your white, pristine skin with bruises and bite marks; let us free some of that muddy blood below it. You know you want it, because only I can give it to you, can't I? You get your fuck, right here, right now."
"No! No, not like this, never like this," Hermione pressed out, trying block out the small spark of arousal flickering in her stomach at the thought of Bellatrix pressed against her, taking her, ravishing her. But the bigger part of her mind, the rational part, the part that wanted to love and be loved back, shouted in utter rage at this degrading act. "I don't want to be taken like a dog! Get away from me!"
"My, such denial! Aren't we already past that, my pet?" The older witch stretched her head until it was right next to the brunette's, then she opened her mouth and licked a wet trail from Hermione's chin up to her cheek bone, chuckling darkly all the while.
Something snapped in the Gryffindor and a low, dangerous growl erupted from her throat. Feeling a surge of strength and confidence rise up in her, she pushed against the pure-blood until Bellatrix began stumbling back with a look of utter surprise on her features. They moved backward until the raven haired woman hit the wall with a quiet grunt, struggling against the hold the younger witch had on her with all her might, but unable to make her budge an inch.
And Hermione finally found out that her month-long training, all the sweat and aching muscles and lack of time, finally bore fruit.
"Now you listen to me," she hissed at the glaring Bellatrix, using her superior height to her advantage, "you might not understand it, but despite all the shit you give me, all of the hurtful words and actions, I care about you. I care about you so much it's going to ruin my life. And you know what? I'm not going to do anything to stop it, because what I'm feeling is something good and wonderful. It's love. Love. And no amount of hate you direct at me out of fear will change that, because I've seen your worst and you can't throw any more at me than you already did. So stop hurting me. It has never worked and it will never work. I'm not going away. Got it?"
"Get your filthy hands of me, Mudblood," was the only thing Bellatrix growled back, black, proud eyes like a fortress against the world and chin raised in protective haughtiness.
For several more seconds they had this struggle of wills before the pure-blood turned her head away, not wanting to see much more of what she could read in the Gryffindor's gaze. Was it fear? Maybe. Only then did Hermione let go of her arms, slowly, gently, quite unlike the anger still evident on her face. Without another word, Bellatrix stepped around her, high-heeled boots making sharp, harsh clicks on the stone ground as she hurried out of the tower.
Fleeing. For the first time.
And Hermione wondered if she had just won or lost the battle.
Sorry, no flowers and rainbows and kittens yet!
In case anyone is still wondering about the Amortentia and Hermione's sudden realization, please ask away and I'll try to clear it up in case this chapter didn't help :) Or browse the above comments, I replied to two people who were asking, maybe that answers your question as well. For other questions... feel free to ask those, too! :D
Well, I'm getting some nap time, my roommates are all kind of half asleep already. See you next time... when I'll be posting from Lyon! :D