26

Albany, NY

She sat at a booth, next to the window, inside a diner on a main street that had clearly seen better economic times and clearly couldn't compete with the slew of chain restaurants she'd noticed on the outskirts of town. Kate could count on one hand the number of other patrons inside the diner and that was fine with her.

The last thing she craved was a noisy, bustling eatery full of people. It didn't even bother her that she spotted two elderly couples staring at her when they thought she wasn't looking. Maybe they recognized her face from the news. Finding a missing NYPD captain alive in Albany after she was presumed dead for six years had probably been reasonably big news at the time she was found.

Beckett ignored their stares and concentrated on the rain falling on the other side of the window instead. The skies were already much darker than they were an hour ago, back in the woods.

She barely heard Castle sliding into the bench across from hers after returning from the restroom.

"I ordered two cheeseburgers," he told her. "And fries. The guy behind the counter said their cheeseburgers are to die for."

Kate raised her brows. "Is that right? I don't remember telling you I wanted to eat."

"I thought it's late afternoon and we haven't had…"

"It's okay," she cut him off after seeing the guilt on his face. She needed to start making an effort gain some weight even if her stomach was still in knots after what happened at the cabin. She had to get her strength back. Physical and otherwise.

Castle put his elbows on the table and leaned forward. "Are you gonna tell me what happened back there?"

They'd barely said two words about it on the way here. At first, he'd been more concerned about getting her away from there and back into the warmth and dryness of the car and then he'd given her the space she needed to stop shaking before they made a beeline for the first place serving hot beverages.

Her hands were still wrapped around a ceramic coffee mug, grateful for its warmth more than its contents. She was too jittery for coffee anyway.

She'd come here hoping to remember something and that's exactly what had happened. She just didn't think it would all be so very vivid and so painful.

And futile.

What was the point of remembering if she couldn't identify her captor?

"Hey, Earth to Beckett…"

"I remembered some things," she told him. She might as well because he would pester her until she did. "Him hitting me."

His face looked as though she'd hit him.

"Don't," she tightened her lips angrily. "I can't do this if I'm trying to protect you."

He acknowledged her reprimand with a whispered "Okay." But he did it while curling his hands into two tight fists on the table.

"He kept hitting me and at one point he said I was useless."

"Useless?"

"It's like…I was supposed to do something for him and he was angry that I didn't do it. Or didn't do it right." She concentrated and suddenly remembered her response. "There was one time when I told him I'd do it."

"Then what?"

"Then he said I was gonna die here." Beckett pondered his words. "I think he meant it. He did leave me there to die. The guy with the dog finding me was a complete fluke."

"So he wanted to kill you without doing the deed?"

"Maybe."

"Did you remember anything distinct about him? Height? Voice? Clothing? Anything familiar or unusual?"

"No," Kate clutched her mug a little tighter. "Nothing that stands out. He's male. Or at least built like a male and his voice…it's definitely masculine. He was regular height, maybe 5'11. He was wearing jeans and a dark, green jacket and a mask. I couldn't see his face and I don't recognize his voice. It's not familiar. Nothing about him is."

"But you'd recognize his voice if you heard it again?"

"I-" It was a good question. "I don't know. It was muffled because of the mask."

"Anything else?"

"He sent me another text just as I started remembering."

"Text?" Castle gave her a puzzled look. "What do you mean he sent you a text?"

Beckett reached into the pocket of her jacket and pulled out her phone and opened the screen to show Castle.

He frowned. "What does that mean, 'you did terrible things'? And what do you mean another text?"

"He sent me one yesterday too, it basically said 'you don't want to remember'."

"You don't want to remember?"

"Who knows what it all means," Beckett replied with a shrug. "He's a psycho who's trying to spook me and I think he succeeded this afternoon at the cabin. Seeing the text at the same time as I started to remember. It did freak me out and it threw me for a loop. It's why I panicked."

"Why didn't you tell me that he's been texting you?"

"Why would I?" She shot him an annoyed look.

"Why? Because…" He bit his tongue.

"Because what? Because you're my ex-husband?" Beckett felt her cheeks flush in anger. Did he really think he could marry another woman and still expect her to come running to him with every new tidbit of information? "I told Javi. He ran the number and of course it was a burner. Untraceable. I'm sure today's texts came from a different burner."

Castle seemed more shook up about it than she was. "But how did he get your number? It's a brand-new phone, a brand-new number!"

"I don't know," she told him. "Ryan's looking into it."

"Are you getting a new number?"

"No. If this nutter wants to talk to me, let him. Let him trip himself up by sending me something that'll give him away. Let that bastard come to my doorstep so I can do to him what he did to me."

"What the hell, Kate?"

"Your cheeseburgers!" a chubby waiter wearing a chequered apron announced and Beckett made a mental note to leave him a good tip for hisimpeccable timing. "Best cheeseburgers this side of the Hudson."

He set the two burgers down and planted a giant plate of French fries in the middle of the table between them. Then he swiped a bottle of ketchup from the neighbouring table and offered it to them. "Ketchup?"

"Please," Beckett told him. She hadn't thought she was hungry but the smell of it all made her change her mind. Castle still knew her too well.

So they ate in silence and Beckett tried to ignore the occasional looks of disbelief she got from her ex-husband. He was angry that she hadn't shared the texts with him and frankly, Beckett couldn't care less.

You don't get to marry someone else and then make me feel bad for not treating you like my husband anymore.

It really was one of the best cheeseburgers she'd ever had, but even so she was so full after half of it, Beckett thought she might burst. Her stomach still couldn't handle a big meal. Or even a regular sized one.

Castle observed her but for once, he didn't say anything.

Beckett dipped some fries into a liberal amount of ketchup and if she wasn't still so chilled and so full, she'd have ordered a strawberry milkshake to go.

"I can't believe this guy's texting you," Castle was still shaken and still pouting.

"It's good," she told him, meaning it. Her earlier shakiness was fading and the food probably had something to do with it. "Means he's cocky. The cocky ones always mess up."

"The guy held you captive for six years."

"Thanks. I almost forgot."

Castle winced. "Sorry."

"I'm gonna make him pay for it. If it's the last thing I do."

"Do you have a death wish too?"

Anger rose up in her throat. "You have to stop this, Rick."

"Stop what?"

"Acting like you're still my husband. You don't get to do this anymore and I swear, this is the last time we're working on this together."

"Why won't you let me help you? I have the resour-"

"No," she cut him off. How could he be this dense? How was it possible that he didn't know how impossibly hard this was for her? Of course she wanted him by her side. She wanted to tell him about that video too, wanted his thoughts on it more than anyone else's.

"Why?"

"Why?" she looked at him incredulously. "You're asking me why? Because I love you, you idiot." She hated that she couldn't stop the tears that threatened to pool in her eyes. "Because when you hold me like you did at that cabin, it's not enough. I want to stay in your arms. I want to touch you. I want to kiss you. I want to go home with you and make love to you and pretend that I can live a normal life again. I want you inside me."

Judging from his stunned reaction, he hadn't expected her say that. Maybe that was too much honesty.

Screw it, she thought selfishly. They were overdue for some honesty.

And then looked at her with so much regret that it only compounded all the emotions she tried so hard to keep sealed away in a box whenever she was around him.

"That's why, Rick." She dabbed at the side of her eye, stopping the unwanted tear drop in its tracks.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to hurt you. I never meant…"

"Why did you have to marry her?"

It was petty, but she suddenly needed to know. It stung so badly ever since she found out. Because she naively couldn't envision him walking down the aisle with anyone else ever again. "I get that you're not a monk. That six years is a long time but…"

"I'd have waited another six if I knew you were coming back," he cut her off, suddenly angered by that assumption.

Her cheeks burned. "So why, then? Why did you have to remarry…again?"

"I shouldn't have."

As much as her honesty had stunned him, she wasn't expecting that kind of frankness from him either. It left her at a loss of words. "Then why…why did you?"

"Hayley and I never talked about it. Marriage, kids, none of that was on our radar. She was just…she'd been by my side since you disappeared. She ran the PI agency. She and Alexis, they singlehandedly kept it from going under. She was my rock at a time when I wasn't exactly a great guy to be around. When we got together a lot of people thought I was using her to get over you and that hurt her. So Alexis suggested I do something to shut everyone up."

"You married her because Alexis thought it was the right thing to do? Really?"

"We both did."

Kate wiped away another determined tear, wondering if this would ever stop hurting. "I see."

Castle's blue eyes bore into her, giving her no respite. "I thought you were gone, Kate. Gone. My shrink told me that marriage would bring me and Lily one step closer to the closure we needed. I so badly wanted to believe him because for a while I thought I was going insane to keep believing you were still out there."

"I'm sorry," she slid out from the booth. "For how hard this was on you and Lily. I really am…and I want things to be…amicable between us for Lily. They need to be. But I can't do this. I can't be with you doing this, and pretending we're just friends. You've had six years to get over me, but whenever I'm around you all I remember is being your wife. And to me it feels like yesterday."

"I don't know if I can do this either, Kate. To know that you're back and not be allowed to be a part of your life." He swallowed and exhaled. "But if that's what you need… I'll try," he said softly. "Last thing I want is to hurt you."

Kate zipped up her jacket, needing to get outside and get some fresh air. Dreading the long drive back to Manhattan after this.

"But I do want you to know that I didn't just get over you, Kate. You disappeared. From one day to the next you were gone from my life. But I didn't stop loving you."

Kate hugged herself as she stepped away from him, giving up the fight as the tears fell. She also didn't bother to pretend that this latest confession didn't feel like another knife through her heart.

Richard Castle Private Investigations, NY

Hayley was already there when he stepped into his PI office after the painfully silent drive home from Albany.

This whole day was determined to twist his insides into one giant knot.

"Hi," she greeted him.

Hayley wasn't sitting at his desk, her usual preferred hang-out. A place she'd long ago claimed as hers in all but name. And deservedly so. Instead, she was seated on the clients' couch outside in the waiting room, her long legs folded elegantly one over the other while she sipped on a take-out cup of what he assumed was Earl Grey tea. It was her usual pick-up beverage of choice in the late afternoon or early evening.

"I've been texting you," he told her, unsure of what he felt to see her back here. Relief. Or something else. "Must've left you a dozen messages."

"I know," she acknowledged. "I wasn't ready to get back to you."

"Now you are?"

His usually confident wife seemed strangely hesitant. Uncertain even. "I don't know."

"What you saw when you walked into the loft the other night it's not what you…"

"I came here because I need to ask you something, Rick," she cut him off.

"You need to ask me something?"

"Yes," she answered, the familiar confidence coming back into her voice. Hayley Shipton-Castle was not someone who beat around the bush. "But I also need you to promise to give me an honest answer. Can you do that?"

"Be honest with you? Yes…of course."

"Do you still love her?"

Castle hesitated, but only for an instant. It wasn't a hard question to answer. "Yes."

Hayley exhaled, as if bracing herself. "Are you still in love with her?"

"Hayley, this isn't…"

"You promised me honest answers. Are you in love with her?"

Castle wanted to turn away. Didn't want to see her reaction, but he forced himself to meet her gaze. Forced himself to see how much he was going to hurt her. He owed her that much. "Yes."

Hayley got up slowly and carefully set down the half-finished cup of tea with shaky hands. "We don't really stand a chance then, do we?"

No. They didn't.

Deep down he'd known it since the day he first saw Kate at that hospital in Albany. And it was time to be honest, not only with himself, but with his wife. No matter how painfully hard it was.

The regret pooled in his gut and this time he did close his eyes. The guilt never seemed to end lately.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Her face was stoic and her emotions unreadable. He thought that maybe she would shove him. Or slap him. He didn't expect her to lean into him and kiss his cheek with a tenderness that he didn't deserve. "Me too, Rick."

"Hayley…"

"I'm going to the loft to clear out my things and then stay with Alexis for a while before I decide what to do. I need some time to do that before you come home tonight. Will you give me that time?"

"You don't have to…"

"Yes. Yes, I do." She said firmly, in spite of the tears falling down her cheeks. "We both know I do."

It was the last thing she said before she left.

Castle sank down into the sofa where she'd been sitting, the scent of her Earl Grey tea still lingering in that spot. Then he leaned over and cupped his head in his hands, gutted at what he'd done to her, this woman who'd given him so much and asked for so little in return. Who'd helped him through some of the darkest days of his life and had made him fall in love with her strength and brains and tenacity.

I'm so sorry. You deserved better than a man who never really gave you his entire heart.

He felt dizzy as the blood rushed to his head.

It made him wonder when his world would stop spiralling out of control.

A/N: Firstly, thanks you to those still reading and stopping by to let me know! Like with any longer stories, this one included, I often hit a wall and sometimes want to table it altogether. But I think I've now outlined it to the end and it should be about 10 more chapters for those wondering and wanting to come along for the rest of the ride. Thanks also to my proof-reader WRTRD, for well, EVERYTHING! Lastly, I'm hitting the road next week so I'm not 100% sure I'll be able to update on Sunday. In other words thanks for your patience too. :)