Disclaimer:The characters are not mine, but the story is. I make no claims on ABC's Once Upon a Time'sintellectual property.

Half of My Heart

"Learning to let go should be learned before learning to get. Life should be touched, not strangled. You've got to relax, let it happen at times, and at others move forward with it."
- Ray Bradbury

A year and a half later

Emma rushed into the law library on campus, late to meet her study group; she threw her Starbucks cup into the trash and sped up the stairs to the study carousel. When she landed on the fourth floor, she pulled herself up and straightened her hair and bag, taking deep breaths.

She pulled the door open, "Hey guys, really sorry I'm late. Where are we?"

The group of aspiring lawyers greeted her with smiles and one spoke, "It's fine, Emma. We're just going over the Branson v Smith case."

"Alright, got it," Emma pulled her notebook and the legal brief when she noticed her phone screen light up. It was on silent, but she pulled it out anyway to check the text.

You're coming to dinner tonight, right? We miss you.

Emma sighed and it drew some confused looks from her fellow students.

Yeah of course I'll be there. You know I wouldn't miss it. And I'm sorry, I've just been really busy this week.

It was a lie, of course, and Mary Margaret knew it; she let Emma get away with it anyway because she was a friend Emma didn't deserve.

She shook her head, smiling; her best friends were getting married this weekend after so many years. She was exhilarated, but knew it wouldn't be all smiles.

Mary Margaret dropped her phone on the table with a loud sigh, "She says she'll be there at the restaurant tonight."

"Mmm, I don't think she'd miss this, you worry too much," David kissed her head as he got up to take the dishes back.

"I just worry, they haven't even spoken to each other in nearly two years. That's extreme, even for Emma."

David shrugged, "They've both moved on, Emma's happy where she is and you know Killian is, too."

Scowling, she threw a towel at her fiancé, "Stop acting like you're okay with this! Just because they date other people doesn't mean they're okay."

After much pushing and prodding from her friends, Emma had agreed to visit a therapist to deal with her issues of abandonment and trust - and stubbornness, if they were being honest. It was an ongoing process, but since then she hadn't worried her friends too much, but the first year of law school had been a bit rockier than any of them had expected - especially on her social life. It had given Emma a reason to retreat and dig deep into her studies, ignoring everything else. But gradually she had returned to life, started dating - though it was infrequent - and showed no signs of remorse over how she had left things with Killian.

Even so, Mary Margaret caught her face sometimes after a date and thought she looked sad for a brief moment as she closed the door. Although truth be told, it was better than to either David or Mary Margaret had expected; after all they just wanted her to be happy and she certainly seemed to be.

Killian had been in town to visit until the wedding, as a best man should; he seemed fresh and happy, Chicago seemed to suit him - sometimes literally, as he was definitely the front runner for best dressed in Boston lately. And that certainly explained why Emma seemed to have been actively avoiding them for the past week.

"She's a lot better now, Mary Margaret. I won't say she's ready, but she's stronger than she knows. Emma will be fine, and Killian - well, you know."

Emma sat on the couch and stared at her therapist, resisting the urge to bite her fingernails in anxiety. She had just come from her study group which, while it was a good distraction, didn't do much to quell her unease about tonight's dinner.

"So Mary Margaret and David are getting married in a day or two, correct?" Her therapist asked quietly, breaking the prolonged silence since she didn't seem to be.

She nodded and finally looked up at the concerned doctor.

"You seem anxious, just start talking about what's on your mind and it'll ease up I promise," her voice was soft and after a year and a half Emma was soothed by it. She was a little alarmed that she was having this much trouble bringing up what was truly troubling her, especially after they had already talked about and through it numerous times.

"It's just-" Emma took a deep breath and set her hands in her lap. "Killian is going to be there, and I've been avoiding him all week. I don't know how to see him after all I did to him."

"What did you do to him, Emma?"

She should have known that this question was coming, but still frowned as she thought about how to answer. "I was cruel. I didn't know how to deal with the enormity of my feelings; he's too good for me, and I knew it and pushed him away. He didn't - doesn't - deserve to deal with me and my issues."

Her therapist waited for a while, letting Emma decide if she would continue her explanation, before speaking, "Emma, I think it was up to Killian to decide what he could and wanted to deal with. From what we've spoken of before, he had always made his decision quite clear - but you took that away from him. What you did was a very human act; it was a defense mechanism out of fear."

Emma teared up as she listened, "You carry your guilt like a weight upon your shoulders. It's preventing you from facing him, and in turn your friends. You've created a distance between yourself and them - all of them - because of that guilt."

"But I haven't spoken to him in so long - what if he hates me? I wouldn't blame him at all," Emma spoke quietly, her fear palpable and her tears spilled over as she confessed her worry.

Her therapist smiled, "I think you'll find that a human's capacity for forgiveness and compassion far outweigh the strength of their hate. Especially from someone who cared a great deal about you. But you need to forgive yourself, you've made great strides in accepting yourself and dealing with your fears - let this be another thing you can let go of."

Her hair fell in her face as she looked down at her lap and brushed her tears away with her hands. Before starting these sessions, she had hardly ever cried - but now it seemed like a regular occurrence. But it was healthier than having her anger spill out on everyone else.

"I miss him," she said quietly.

"I know."

The three of them waited outside the restaurant for Emma to arrive, dressed in casual clothes since they would be in more formal attire for a few days. Killian joked that nothing would prepare David for the choking hazard that was a tie on his wedding day.

"What would you know about weddings, eh? David elbowed him, and Killian just shook his head.

"Just what I hear, is all," Killian looked over at Mary Margaret and jerked his jaw in David's direction. "Hey, you worried about him making a run for it? I can chain him to me while we're at the altar if you want."

Before Mary Margaret had a chance to yell at him for jinxing her almost-marriage, a voice spoke through the cold wintery night, "Fairly certain even death wouldn't stop him from getting married to her."

They turned to see Emma strolling up, her book bag still slung around her body and Killian thought that absolutely nothing had changed from the first time he had followed her around the library. Still with her guarded but quizzical expression, doing everything to avoid his face.

David broke the silence, "Well now that the morbid one has arrived, let's eat!" Emma glared at him and flicked her eyes over at Killian, who just held the door open and watched her curiously.

He didn't know what to expect after almost two years, David and Mary Margaret didn't censor her from their conversations with him, but didn't talk much about her either. He knew she was doing well and was always busy - but Emma Swan was always really busy when it came to school work. Killian had always admired her drive. His fingers twitched when she walked by him, the smell of her hair hitting him even in the cool winter air.

They settled down at their table with Emma across from him and he broke the silence first, "So, why no plans for a bachelorette party?"

Mary Margaret snorted, "Not my thing, and if I had wanted one I would've had to find another maid of honor because this girl over here can barely spend two hours with her best friends."

She smiled at Emma, and though Emma knew she was joking it still made her feel guilty. She really had thrown herself into her studies - as expected at Harvard Law - and she had almost forgotten what it was like to have a social outing that wasn't a date. And even those were incredibly rare.

"Yeah, but she finds time for those hunky law school men," David chirped merrily. Emma chanced a look at Killian, who was seemingly unphased - as if he had known ahead of time.

"Well, I don't know if hunky would be the word for it, but you're the ones who encouraged it so you can't complain when I follow through." She waved her finger at them, trying her best to be at ease with the awkward situation.

They were in the middle of their meal when Mary Margaret asked, seemingly innocently, "Where's Milah anyway, Killian?"

Killian's fork froze midair, but he recovered quickly, "Ah, she was a bit too busy with work. Besides, I didn't think it was the best idea for her to join me." His eyes were somber as he smiled at Mary Margaret, who knew all too well what she was doing.

Emma mulled on this for a few minutes as the conversation shifted away easily; she didn't know how to act around Killian after everything that had happened - that she had done. She had pushed him to where he was now, made it clear where they stood; but time had healed her just as much as her renewed purpose with school.

Her fingers glided over the rim of the glass and she looked up to catch him staring at her, face emotionless. He was trying to figure her out; Emma knew that look - it was something she had grown accustomed to in their undergraduate years.

She was well on her way to having everything she ever wanted - good friends, a family really, a law degree where she could do some real good in the world, and an internship that brought her hope for her future.

But there was always a lingering feeling, something she hadn't understood for a long time, but she recognized it the first time she had gone out with someone who wasn't Neal. Smiling mirthlessly, she had realized Killian had never been able to take her out on a real date.

That wasn't what she finally understood, however. As she had walked back inside her room after the date, she realized that what she wanted had been Killian. Maybe they never got the timing right, maybe they never would, but as she looked at him right then she just knew. And was ashamed of it - of her actions.

"Who's Milah?" She blurted out, interrupting the conversation they had been having. Emma didn't even blush, she just stared at him.

Killian cleared his throat and spoke clearly, "Milah is my girlfriend, we've been dating for a few months now. I didn't think it was appropriate to bring her to the wedding."

David, who had thus far been quiet, spoke up, "You know she would've been welcome here."

"Yes, but I wasn't ready," he shrugged nonchalantly when really his heart was beating quicker. Emma hadn't taken her eyes off him and he didn't know what to make of it, but she rarely stared at anything with such intensity and it threatened to undo the calm he was feeling.

They finished their meal in relative silence and as Killian left them, he kissed Mary Margaret's cheek goodbye. He hovered near Emma, not knowing what she would accept from him anymore, but she surprised him and walked up to give him a hug. His arms, after a moment of shock, went around her body and hugged her tightly to him. She pressed her face into his neck and then pushed away.

They stood there for a few minutes, saying more than they could say with words then. Finally, Emma pushed away from him, smiling softly.

"See you tomorrow," was all she said as she left him to walk back to her car.

Emma shuffled around to make sure Mary Margaret's train and dress were properly positioned, but Mary Margaret had a different idea. She turned and grabbed Emma's hands and pulled her in front of her.

Her Maid of Honor was gorgeous all the time, but especially exquisite today in the blue dress and crown braids; Mary Margaret sighed - she had talked to David almost all night about this and still wasn't sure if interfering was the thing to do.

"Emma, I know this is my wedding and I'm supposed to be only thinking about David," Emma watched her friend, suddenly wary.

Mary Margaret took a deep breath, "But you need to talk to Killian. Now, before he leaves; this can't go on between you two, you're both so important to David and I. The cold war must be stopped."

Emma let her hands fall away from Mary Margaret's and walked over to the window of the church, "It's too late for what I want."

She turned around and Mary Margaret saw tears threatening to spill out, "How am I supposed to face him after all I did to him? It's easier this way, to just keep it…simple."

"Oh Emma, you've always made things like this so complicated when really they are very simple. You deserve so much, and all he's ever wanted was you. David was one of the first to see it, and I see your face when you come home from every random date you've been on since he left."

She walked over softly, placing her hands along Emma's face, "All you have to do is say the word and he'll be there. That boy is whipped when it comes to you."

Emma laughed, knowing he would probably agree with that assessment; she had never been worthy of it, though. Didn't know what she had done to deserve his dedication; she was crabby, closed off, almost detrimentally focused on her school and future career.

"Come on, I'm ready to walk down the aisle and you have to go first, so shoo."

As she walked to the door, Mary Margaret took her arm, "He found Neal. He's the reason Neal came back and went to jail. He never wanted you to know, but you should now."

Emma stood stock still as Mary Margaret walked past her as if she hadn't just dropped a bomb. Emma didn't know whether to be elated or miffed that she had been kept in the dark for so long. Neal was long past her memory, but since he'd been locked away she had known some measure of peace that he got what he deserved.

She walked in front of the large doors that led to the altar and saw Killian standing there waiting for her with a black Armani suit and a stylish skinny tie. He smiled at her and she felt her heart stutter, "You look beautiful, Emma."

Mary Margaret cleared her throat and he grinned at her, "Of course, none more beautiful than the bride." He kissed her hand and then handed Emma's bouquet to her before offering his arm.

Emma took it hesitantly, but it felt so natural to be by his side that she felt her unease melt away. She had missed him.

The strings started up the soft melody, and the doors opened; Killian strode confidently down the aisle, but as he looked over at Emma he saw slight panic in her eyes. As they reached the altar and parted, he whispered in her ear, "You'll be fine, just breathe and focus on them."

She blushed that he could still read her so well and nodded, turning to take her place across from him.

The melody changed and the doors opened, Mary Margaret walking down the aisle, her eyes locked onto David. Whatever words of wisdom she had imparted onto Emma, whatever the situation was with them, this moment was all about David.

They had written their own vows, to neither Killian nor Emma's surprise; and their words brought tears to Emma's eyes. She wanted this, she felt it fervently in her body; the words didn't affect her as much as the force behind them, the love and dedication.

Emma swiped at her eyes, hoping it wasn't obvious, but she caught Killian smiling at her and he just nodded at her, comforting her even now. She still didn't know what she should do, but she could get through this day at the very least.

The reception was beautiful, lights glittering across the glass roof; Mary Margaret had always loved the winter time and it had been important to her to be married with snow on the ground.

The toasts were done and the guests were dancing to the not-too-terrible DJ; David had elected not to go with the karaoke machine, much to Mary Margaret's delight. Emma had to agree with her, that would've been a bit too much - even if it had good memories along with it.

"I think the Maid of Honor and Best Man are supposed to dance at least once tonight," Killian walked up to stand beside her and she jumped a bit in surprise before sending him a small smile.

"Well I suppose that is tradition," Emma said, but she just stood there and watched the dancers.

He shook his head, "Still as stubborn as ever I see." She grinned and he returned it before holding out his hand, "Will you do me the honor of this dance?"

Emma nodded, but warned him, "I probably am only capable of swaying, mind you."

"Just let me lead and you'll be fine, I promise." Killian walked her to the dance floor and she knew she was in good hands; that's what troubled her so much.

Killian wasn't joking, he guided her beautifully despite her lack of skill; she only stepped on his toes a few times, but he had just laughed. The song shifted into something softer, slower, and she saw Mary Margaret leave the DJ's stage and eyed her suspiciously.

Killian slowed them down and just wrapped his arm around her waist and they moved slowly as she listened to the song. It was one she was familiar with, and it made her tighten her grip on Killian's arm unexpectedly.

They say that home is where the heart is

I guess I haven't found my home

And we keep driving round in circles

Afraid to call this place our own

He pulled her a little closer and looked at her, Emma tilting her head to meet his stare; she smiled, but it was bittersweet. Killian opened his mouth to say something, and Emma - terrified - beat him to it.

"So how long have you been with Milah?"

He was taken aback, the moment gone, "Just a few months like I said."

"How'd you meet, what's she like?" Emma kept asking questions to avoid the song that plucked at her emotions in all the wrong ways.

They say you're really not somebody

Until somebody else loves you

Well, I am waiting to make somebody

Somebody soon

"She works for a hotel we were designing, I met her during one of the company meetings. She's nice, driven like you. Milah is…what I needed." He broke her stare as he said it, knowing it would hurt her; but he couldn't deny the truth. She didn't know how to maneuver around him since she so firmly cut herself away from him. He understood, and was trying to make it as easy as possible by staying nonchalant.

Emma just gulped and nodded, she saw that he was happy - he had a glint in his eyes as he answered her questions.

And it won't be too much

'Cause this is too much

'Cause this is too much for me to hold

This is too much for me to hold

And are we there yet?

And are we there yet?

Instead of speaking anymore, she moved closer to him and rested her head against his chest and she felt his arms go around her. She felt most at home with him and didn't know why she didn't realize it sooner. She laughed at herself, because of course Emma knew why - she was stubborn and broken and despite having the purest example of it living with her, didn't recognize love when she saw it.

The song ended and she pulled away from him, thanking him quietly before turning around and walking quickly out of the hall; her eyes were brimming with tears. When she made it outside, she was breathing heavily and her tears had started to fall.

"Emma?" Mary Margaret called softly and put her hand on Emma's bare shoulder, "What happened?"

"He's gone, I'm never getting him back. I told him I didn't want him, made it so clear, so why am I so devastated that he moved on?" Emma struggled and she looked up at the night sky, barely registering how cold it was even as her breath bloomed in front of her face.

Mary Margaret pulled her shawl tighter around her and spoke firmly, "Emma, you've always dodged the real conversations. This isn't what you want to hear, but you need to: you never fought for him the way he fought for you. He was in love with you for three and a half years, which would be enormously sad if you didn't know he didn't act on it because he was respectful of your relationship. He wanted you to see it for yourself, but when you didn't - he acted."

Emma laughed harshly, "If he wanted me to notice, shouldn't he notice my feelings now? That's hardly fair."

"Emma, you were so blinded by Neal that you couldn't see straight. He's done everything he could for you, but you never gave him an inch."

Emma realized Mary Margaret didn't know just how close she had come to throwing away her relationship with Neal and absconding with Killian. She had been reckless, but even now her blood pumped faster and hotter in her body as she remembered the quiet words whispered in the dark of night.

The next day was the first time she had broken his heart, but it wouldn't be her last. No wonder he chose not to see what she felt anymore.

She had always run from him, from herself.

Emma drew herself up and hugged Mary Margaret, "I'm sorry I brought my drama into your beautiful wedding reception. I'm so happy for you."

Mary Margaret smacked her shoulder lightly, "This has been a long time coming, and weddings tend to bring out the big emotions. David and I had already talked about this possibility. We're just glad it didn't end in one or both of you throwing things." She winked and linked arms with Emma as they walked back in.

"You had the DJ play that song, didn't you?" Emma asked, unable to stop herself.

Mary Margaret had a twinkle in her eye, "Wouldn't you like to know?"

Shaking her head, Emma looked around for Killian before finding him sitting at a table, holding his phone. She went over and took a seat next to him.

"So…sorry for the dramatics. It's just a lot to take in, you know?" He smiled at her and it encouraged her to keep talking, "Mary Margaret says it's just because wedding emotions run so high."

"She is pretty wise, she'll make a great mother someday," Killian spoke almost wistfully.

Emma tugged at a loose piece of hair that framed her face, "Well, I have to leave. Early morning study session, you know me. I just wanted to say goodbye, and that it was good to see you."

Killian watched her and debated for a moment before tucking her hair back behind her ears and brushing his fingers against her face, "Always a pleasure, Emma Swan. Don't be a stranger."

She nodded and left quickly, and all Killian could do was watch her; he had thought that accepting her choice would make it easier to move on, but barely three hours in her presence and he was right back where he started.

Emma Swan was it for him.

Author's Note: Alright boys and girls, next chapter is the one. I decided to add a few things to it, and I was debating on whether or not to split it up like I had originally intended...but I think we've all waited long enough, yeah? Then there's the epilogue. I'm very excited to have you all read the rest of the story. We're nearly there, you guys. The song is "Are We There Yet?" By Ingrid Michaelson. I love it, and it was just bittersweet enough to hit the right tone with Emma and Killian. Don't forget I have a playlist for this story that has served as inspiration since chapter 1. If you search "Half of my Heart" on Spotify, you will find it under caishakalianah. There's also a link on my tumblr, also caishakalianah. Enjoy.