Dear Idiots, slight idiot (Simon) and Piggy,
I apologize, Piggy, for calling you that dreaded nickname but pigs are cute an adorable and since your my absolute favorite character...you must have a cute and adorable name. On with the questions:
Jack: Why are you such a douche? I mean...I'd probably would've been a big fan if you weren't such an asshole especially to Piggy. Seriously, without Piggy on that island you wouldn't have been able to hunt because...well...you'd be dead. So, seriously, why are you a douche?
Roger: Your a douche too...and I want to hate you...but the whole torture thing is hot sadly...effin' sadist. Anyways, would you rather kill Sam or Eric?
Samneric: Can you guys read minds? If so, you're awesome...if not, go to hell.
Ralph: Who would you rather do...Jack or Roger?
Simon: Why is Piggy your least favorite? You were one of his only friends and you turn your back on him like that! You outta be ashamed of yourself, prick.
Piggy: On the island, since Ralph was leader and he practically did everything you suggested...why didn't you control the group by using him? Everybody would have been better off if you manipulated Ralph to do whatever you wanted.
Maurice: Huggles?
Toodles,
-BloodxForxMyxRose
Maurice: ...I'm not an idiot.
Jack: Idiot? WHO DARES CALL ME AN IDIOT?
Piggy: *grinning* Once again, I am triumpha-
Jack: WHO DARE QUESTION MY INTELLIGENCE?
Simon: Slight idiot? *scratches head in confusion*
Roger: Ralph's an idiot.
Ralph: *is sad* Why do you guys pick on me?
Piggy: ENOUGH, you impertinent little barnacles! By the way, don't worry about the nickname...I suppose I've grown used to it. And thank you - I do believe I am the most LOGICAL character...I don't quite understand why anyone would like the rest of those bumbling fools...well, except for Simon. He is pretty adorable, I must admit.
Simon: *sniffling* I-I'm a slight idiot.
Roger: Pigs are not cute. *takes vicious bite of random pork chop* PIGS ARE FOR ROGER. PIGS ARE FOR ROGER TO EAT.
Bill: Okay Roger, calm down.
Jack: *is busy reading his question* HEY. I AM NOT A DOUCHE. THIS IS BIAS BECAUSE OF PIGGY.
Ralph: No, you are a douchebag.
Sam: Yep. She got you-
Eric: -spot on.
Jack: I was only an asshole to Piggy because he was so damn ANNOYING.
Piggy: I WAS NOT ANNOYING. I was logical!
Jack: *makes Spongebob rainbow* NOBODY CARES.
Percival: *slithers out from Bill's backpack* I CARE. I CARE ABOUT RALPH.
Ralph: ASIFJIOE GO AWAY!
Piggy: Percival, honestly...
Percival: *slithers back into Bill's backpack*
Bill: Dafuq. Why is there a child in my bag?
Maurice: CREEP! BILL IS A CREEP!
Jack: WAIT A MINUTE - I SENSE FALLACY! We so could've lived without Fatty on that island! He didn't do anything with hunting. We would've hunted anyway regardless of whether he was there.
Piggy: Pfft. Right.
Jack: What did you do that helped our hunts?
Roger: *is enthused by this* YEAH.
Piggy: I helped keep order!
Roger: ...which literally has nothing to do with hunting.
Piggy: Roger, it's not even your turn, so shut up!
Jack: HEY! Don't be mean to Roger!
Roger: Chill Jack. I'm a big boy. I can handle myself.
Maurice: OBVS NOT.
Bill: You just got SERVED on a PLATTER.
Maurice: DAYUM.
Roger: ...can you shut up? Who's turn is it?
Simon: It's still Jack's.
Roger: Alright then, Jack. Continue your rant.
Jack: *continues rant* WE WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN DEAD. AND I AM NOT A DOUCHE. END OF STORY.
Ralph: You are a bit of a douche...
Jack: I am not!
Ralph: Just a bit...
Jack: LIES, LIES!
Ralph: A tad bit of a douche...
Jack: OKAY FINE. MAYBE I'M SLIGHTLY A DOUCHE - BUT THAT'S ONLY UNDER EXTREME CIRCUMSTANCES.
Piggy: Mhm. You keep telling yourself that, pretty boy.
Jack: YOU CAN'T CALL ME PRETTY BOY. THAT'S AN INSULT I USE ON RALPH.
Simon: Pretty boy?
Maurice: I don't get it. You're calling him pretty.
Piggy: CAN WE MOVE ALONG?
Roger: Sure. Can I go now?
Piggy: *sighs* Go ahead.
Roger: Good. *reads his letter and, once again, spits out random tea* Me, a douche? Never.
Boulder: Pff. Right.
Roger: Shut up, Boulder. Now, back to my letter...you want to hate me? Go ahead. Nothing wrong with a little hatred here and there.
Boulder: *is crying because nobody listens to him* GO TO HELL.
Maurice: I think Boulder and Roger have broken up.
Bill: SO SAD.
Roger: Yet once again, for whatever fucked up reason, my sadistic sauciness has won over another person. Yes, that's right. I'm hot. Why? Because I like to hurt things.
Ralph: That doesn't even make sense.
Roger: I know.
Things: *are awkward*
Roger: Anyway...*reads question* Would I rather kill Sam or Eric?
Sam: Wh-
Eric: -at?
Roger: Well, Eric would be easier to kill, simply because I think I've mentally scarred him enough to make him weak.
Eric: *is blushing* THAT IS NOT TRUE.
Roger: Sam - I'd have more fun with him. I didn't really get to torture him much on the island, so that'd be a little...fresher.
Jack: So uh...who do you choose?
Sam: I WOULD NOT BE 'FRESHER', YOU CRAZY SADIST!
Roger: Can I just kill them both?
Piggy: NO. PICK ONE.
Roger: *huffs* Fine. I'd kill Sam.
Sam: WHAT? WHY? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO YOU?
Maurice: It's because of...er...Rogic?
Bill: YEAH. Ooooooooh! *chanting* Roger spared Eric! Roger spared Eric! Roger spared Eric!
Sam: *is crying*
Eric: *is also crying because Sam is life and without Sam there is only darkness O.o*
Roger: I only spared Eric because he's already been tortured and crap.
Jack: Right.
Bill: ROGIC LOGIC FOR LIFE GUYS.
Maurice: THEY'RE SO CUTE.
Roger: I don't understand...
Eric: PLEASE DON'T KILL SAM PLEASE!
Sam: BUT DON'T KILL ERIC EITHER PLEASE JUST-
Samneric: -DON'T.
Piggy: This is pitiful.
Roger: Look at them. Begging. Like dogs.
Ralph: Roger, you are one fucked up guy.
Simon: Can we please move on? This is breaking my heart.
Samneric: *are clinging onto each other like the other might spontaneously explode*
Bill: ROGIC.
Ralph: Not the time, Bill.
Simon: *leans over to twinsies* Hey, guys, I know something that will cheer you up!
Roger: *rolls eyes* Fucking wimps...
Sam: *looks up* You...
Eric: ...do?
Simon: Yeah! You guys have questions!
Sam: *is still clutching Eric* We...
Eric: *is still clutching Sam* ...do?
Simon: Yeah! *passes letter* Here!
Sam: *reads* Can we read minds?
Eric: If not...
Samneric: ...then go to hell.
Sam: ...I'm a sad twinsie today.
Eric: Me too.
Samneric: *are in catatonic state of morbid reality*
Jack: So...uh, can you guys read minds?
Sam: Twinception does not work that way.
Eric: I read his mind.
Sam: And I can read Maurice's mind.
Samneric: But that's it.
Maurice: You...you can read my mind?
Piggy: Wut.
Sam: Yeah.
Maurice: H-how?
Sam: I dunno. How is the Lamp so magical?
Maurice: Hmmm...good point, good point.
Jack: I don't believe you guys.
Sam: Do you need proof?
Jack: Of what?
Samneric: *cue sparkly things in eyes* OUR AWESOME ABILITIES!
Jack: Uh-
Sam: MAURICE - you are currently thinking about FISH TACOS.
Maurice: H-how did you know?
Sam: AND THROWING A POOL PARTY.
Maurice: WHAT THIS IS INCREDIBLE THIS TWIN IS CRAY
Sam: *holds fingers up to head and does like psychic zinga noise* AND HUGGING ROGER.
Roger: What?
Maurice: Heh...that's embarrassing.
Sam: *smiles* Don't worry. I've heard you think of a lot more embarrassing things than that.
Maurice: *is now horrified* Y-you have?
Sam: :D
Ralph: Ooooookay.
Roger: What was that about me?
Boulder: *now hates Maurice because DAMN HIM HOW DOES HE ACQUIRE ROGER'S ATTENTION SO EASILY MY GOD*
Sam: *twisting fingers* So uh...are we awesome?
Eric: She said that were are-
Sam: -only if we read minds-
Eric: -which we kind of sort of do kind of.
Jack: *in a Dora the Explorer like fashion* Why don't you ask the audience?
Sam: AUDIENCE! Do you think we're awesome?
Room&Everyone: *extremely prolonged silence in which the audience answers to themselves*
Sam: *answering to what should be the right answer to his question what* GREAT!
Jack: Alright. That's that, I guess.
Maurice: OH RALPHY BOY YOU'RE NEXT.
Bill: Tubular.
Jack: What?
Bill: It's an 80's thing.
Roger: Hipster.
Ralph: Can I go now?
Jack: Uh, sure?
Roger: Do you need our absolute undivided attention to answer a question?
Ralph: YES.
Roger: Hmm. Oh.
Piggy: Continue forth, Ralph.
Ralph: Okay. So...who would I rather do...Jack or Roger...dafuq.
Maurice: Sensual question is sensual.
Roger: OH GOD NOT THIS AGAIN.
Jack: SOMEONE PLEASE SHOOT ME. PLZ.
Ralph: AM I SERIOUSLY THAT BAD?
Roger: YES.
Simon: You guys are so mean!
Jack: You don't even know what the question's about, so shut up.
Bill: Bruh, don't be mean to innocent dude Simon.
Sam: You better listen to the Lamp, Jack.
Eric: The Lamp can see into your SOUL.
Bill: I-I can?
Jack: SHUT UP. *turns to Ralph* Ralph, so help me if you choose me I will-
Roger: *pushes Jack away* RALPH. If you make the same mistake as last time and choose me again I will GUT YOU AND THEN STRANGLE YOU WITH YOUR GUTS AND FEED YOUR INNARDS TO A BUNCH OF ORPHANS.
Ralph: I-I-
Jack: RALPH, RALPH, IF YOU PICK ME, I'LL TELL EVERYONE AT SCHOOL YOU HAVE HERPES.
Roger: I'LL TELL EVERYONE THAT YOU'RE A PROSTITUTE AND MAURICE IS YOUR PIMP.
Jack: I'LL TELL EVERYONE THAT YOU'RE NOT A NATURAL BLONDE-\
Ralph: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
Everyone: *has shut up*
Ralph: I don't want to choose EITHER of them because they're both GROSS, but if I HAD to choose - and this if I absolutely had no other choice, I'd pick-
Roger: *has crossed his fingers and closed his eyes* Not me, not me, not me...
Jack: -Think of your reputation, Ralph. If people thought that you dyed your hair, well...
Ralph: *exhales* Roger.
Roger: DAMN IT RALPH NOW YOU'LL GET ROLPH RILED UP AGAIN I HATE YOU.
Boulder: *also hates Ralph because he always fucking chooses Roger doesn't he know that Roger belongs to him, hmm hmm HMM?*
Ralph: I'm sorry! But the thought of...of Jack makes me want to throw up! And have built an exquisite reputation with my hair!
Piggy: And you're saying that Roger doesn't?
Ralph: No! I'm saying that it makes me want to throw up LESS.
Roger: Oh gawd why.
Jack: HEY! I'm way sexier than Roger!
Sam: Apparently-
Eric: -not!
Bill: HAHA!
Jack: RALPH! Now you've humiliated me!
Ralph: I thought you didn't want me to-
Jack: ROGER IS NOT BETTER THAN ME.
Ralph: B-but he's-
Jack: NO. BAD RALPH.
Ralph: B-b-but you...he...I thought...mad...BLONDE HAIR?
Simon: I think we should move on.
Maurice: Shit is about to get serious YA'LL.
Bill: Yo Simon, Si-fi, Saayyyyymin, SiMON, Sid, Si-Si, Siyooo, Samander! SIMON!
Simon: W-what?
Bill: YOU'RE UP NEXT.
Piggy: This questions satisfies me. *makes creepy face*
Roger: Oh god..
Simon: Uh...why was Piggy my least favorite?
Jack: Uh oh.
Maurice: SHIT IS ABOUT TO FLY BITCHES.
Simon: Well...I guess because we kind of have different mindsets about things.
Piggy: NO WHAT WE BOTH WANT CIVILITY AND LOGIC AND REASON!
Simon: Yeah but in different ways, I guess. I mean, I'd rather face the Beast, and Piggy would rather trust logic or science or whatever and know that without any proof, the beast is nonexistent.
Jack: BEAST IS REAL.
Roger: YEAH.
Simon: Well, yeah...but it's inside us.
Maurice: WHAT? How long has a BEAST been living in me? CAN I GET IT OUT?
Bill: I think they have doctors for that, Maurice.
Maurice: OK GOOD BECAUSE IT'S KIND OF GROSS. I'M LIKE POSSESSED OR SOMETHING...
Simon: Yeah but Piggy would rather just say that they're is no Beast. He wanted to fight with logic and reason, and I wanted to fight by facing it.
Piggy: So is that REALLY a reason to dislike me?
Simon: No but-
Piggy: SO HOW ARE YOU JUSTIFYING YOUR HATRED?
Simon: I don't hate you. I don't dislike you. You're just my least favorite. Also because I knew Jack and all the choirboys/savages before the island, so I was already friends with them. It's hard to hate people who've mentored you and are your role models.
Ralph: Roger, Jack, Maurice, and Bill-
Eric: -LAMP.
Ralph: *sighs* -Lamp, are your role models?
Simon: They used to be.
Roger: You looked up to me? Why?
Simon: Well, no one ever really bullied you, so I thought that if I ever wanted to stop my bullying problems, I could just act like you.
Roger: ...yep, being a sadist will do the trick for ya.
Simon: *back to question* I know that I was one of Piggy's only friends, and he is my friend. Just my least favorite friend.
Maurice: *is crying* SHE CALLED SIMON A PRICK. WAAAHHH.
Simon: No, I understand what she means. And that does make me a little ashamed that I prefer Roger or Jack or even Ralph over Piggy. But I can't help how I feel.
Bill: Lamp approves.
Piggy: *crosses arms* Well then...
Roger: *singing* SIMON LIKES ME MORE THAN YOU, SIMON LIKES ME MORE THAN YOU, SIMON LIKES ME-
Piggy: SHUT UP.
Roger: *laughs*
Bill: Yo, Piggy, Pigster, NATHANIEL MY MAN, Nate, Natttiie, Nathan, PIGGO, Pig Bro, Oinkers, Snouters, Fatty, Lardass, NAT NAT-
Everyone: OK BILL WE GET IT.
Sam: HE'S A LAMP.
Ralph: You're inventive with nicknames, we get it-
Bill: Ralph, Ralphy, Ralphy-doodle-dandy, Ralpho, Ral, RAY, Phi-Phi-
Jack: Fi-fi?
Ralph: BILL-
Eric: -LAMP.
Ralph: -LAMP!
Sam: AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT-
Bill: Sam, Sammy, Sam-Sam, Sam-Tam, Samanther, Samuel, Samueleo, Say-
Jack: BILL SO HELP ME JUST LET FATSO ANSWER HIS QUESTION-
Bill: JACK, Jackie, Oh Jackie Boy, Jack-Jack, Jack-in-Black, Jack-Attack, Jay, Jack Sparrow, Jackolo, Jack and the Bean Stalk-
Jack: STOP IT YOU STOP IT THIS INSTANCE YOU.
Silence: *is overbearing*
Piggy: Can I answer my question now?
Jack: Go ahead.
Piggy: *takes deep breath*
Maurice: *is slow minded* HHAHA JACK AND THE BEAN STALK! That sounds so wrong.
Bill: HAHA ERMAGERD it does.
Maurice: Jack and Ralph's bean stalk!
Ralph: SHUT THE FUCK UP-
Jack: -I WILL KILL YOU MAURICE.
Piggy: I'm going now!
Everyone: GO!
Piggy: Why didn't I control the group through Ralph? Well I-
Ralph: HEY! I didn't do everything he suggested...
Piggy: You did.
Ralph: I didn't make a sun dial.
Piggy: But you would've.
Ralph: No.
Piggy: Yes. *back to question* Well, I did to the best of my ability, but I wasn't exactly conscious of the fact that I was ruling through him. I just kind of did it and thought I was being helpful. I honestly did believe that he was the best person to be the chief, and it wasn't until after Boulder crushed me-
Roger: -Roger crushed you, dear Piggy.
Piggy: -Right. Whatever. It wasn't until I was crushed *passes glare to Roger and Boulder*, that I realized how much more I could've willingly manipulated Ralph.
Ralph: That's not nice.
Piggy: I could've saved Simon's life and mine. Not that Simon would CARE because he DOESN'T LIKE ME.
Simon: THAT'S NOT TRUE.
Piggy: Anyway, so I guess now I see my true potential and Ralph's potential as well, but that ship has sailed-
Maurice: Literally.
Piggy: -and now I'm dead. But yes, I could've easily made Ralph do whatever I wanted.
Bill: *bursting with laughter* THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
Maurice: SO THAT'S WHY PIGGY HATES ROGER-
Bill: -PIGGY WANTS RALPH!
Piggy: Oh my GOD you bumbling IDIOTS!
Ralph: *cringes* Eww. *cringes again*
Roger: THERE IS NOTHING BETWEEN ME AND RALPH. Last I heard, he's got a girlfriend anyway.
Everyone: *is suddenly interested*
Ralph: Uhh...*grins*
Jack: How does someone like YOU get a girlfriend?
Bill: Jocks. They always do.
Simon: Is it true, Ralph?
Ralph: Um...maybe?
Jack: Oh don't be humble. C'mon, Ralph, is it true?
Ralph: Uh...*thinks of a way to get out of awko situation* HEY MAURICE YOU HAVE A QUESTION.
Maurice: WHAT I DO ALL THOUGHTS OF RALPH'S POSSIBLE GIRLFRIEND ARE NOW LOST BECAUSE I HAVE A QUESTION AND I ADVISE YOU ALL TO DO THE SAME AND FOLLOW MY WHIM OF SCHNITZEL WHAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT DOES IT SAY?
Roger: What.
Piggy: It says, huggles?
Maurice: Huggles? Like a hug?
Simon: My mother used to give me lots of huggles!
Jack: Awww. He truly is adorable.
Maurice: YES. HUGGLES HUGGLES HUGGLES! I LOVE HUGGLES!
Roger: Oh no-
Maurice: *is now hugging everyone* GROUP HUGGLES!
Percival: *slithers out from behind Maurice* YES! *clings onto Ralph's back* YES.
Bill: Seriously guys...where is that kid coming from?
A/N: Sorry about the long delay on this. It took me forever to write this because I'm an imbecile.
My brother and I went on Omegle and pretended to be Jack Merridew. Nobody caught on. I don't want to live on this planet anymore. We even said that we were on an island hunting pigs and that this douchebag Ralph was annoying us. And we mentioned Piggy. And Maurice. And then one person awkwardly wanted to hook up with Maurice and it was awkward. We told this one guy that Jack could sing C sharp and he was like, "That's way too high."
Jack: IDIOT THAT IS NOT HIGH THAT IS BEAUTIFUL YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS.
It was good fun.
ENDE ;D