Chapter Twenty Five- August Diaries

You ever have that moment of when you belong, that moment where its finally clear to you that your worth something in this world, well, I had that moment as soon as I came back to Winthrop. Its been four weeks since I've left, and I don't think I've ever had a moment to look back on what life used to be. There was no time to think, I hopped on the first available train out late that evening and just kept going. When I arrived in Wintrhop, the gates looked like heaven doors opening up towards me, and I so graciously entered into the welcome arms of Mr. Smith, who was more than thrilled to have me. I bet it was more like Christmas Day for him, to finally win the debate over my future, I wasn't ready to pledge my whole existence towards becoming a millionaire or just honing in on my talents, but it was nice to be somewhere that felt like I belonged, and that I wasn't different amongst the sea of people that who were beyond smart.

The first week, it was a little bit of a culture shock but I'm glad to say that I adjusted by weeks end. I attended workshops and listened in on lectures of some of the finest professors in the United States about theories that were sure to be innovative for the next generation, I have to admit it, I left inspired. That night I went back to my room, and finished whatever was necessary for my software, its funny because I even named it. It was like it was a child being born and when I held in my hands I looked on with such pride that a piece me existed in this tiny thing, and then I named it. When I created this software, I only had one thing in mind, I think it was the reason why Mr. Smith pushed so hard was because he knew what that one thing was, he preached about it until I finally gave in. So in that moment I held the final copy or should I say the final disc, there was only one name that came to mind, one name that it'll ever be. Il Futuro, he sounded devine, it had my mark, it was my proof of existence in this world, and now I was ready to further my knowledge of making sure Il Futuro went and was guided by the right people, but moreso; I was ready to unveal.

The following weeks were parties after parties, and I have to admit I took part in a few, but it was only to get out of my own skin for a bit. Being associated with the Smith's it gave me access, it gave me more fame on the campus as I like to see it. Here, I was getting attention from every girl possible, and they weren't necessarily the typical nerd girl stereotype, they were gorgeous, they were intelligent. Days on in, I would get offers of accompanying these beautiful creatures back to their room for some personal pleasures, but as much as I liked the attention, that wasn't what I was in to. Sex was something I cherished in my youth, but it was all consuming, I didn't want to treat it like it was something taken lightly, I still wanted the respect and intimacy it gave two people, I wanted that and I wasn't about to lose that aspect of it. Around campus, I would occasionally bump into Beth and after our last conversation, it was no surprise that we weren't the best of friends, but the more we saw each other at the benefit parties, the less upset she became with me.

Not everything was all work and parties, I had taken up sailing while I was out here. I don't have the upper body of Screech as much anymore, now that I'm manning the seven seas, but I still have a bit to work on. I hope to one day own my own sailboat but for now the one I borrow will be good. Sometimes while I'm out on the ocean, I can feel Toby's presence as if he were with me, guiding me through the open seas. Thinking more about what happened that day on the boat, I couldn't shake the thought of what drove Toby towards his demise and how I wish that he would have come to me instead. Alton and Jake were beginning their work back home on trying to uncover all records in regards to the three years after that summer, and I wondered were they on to something myself.

Alton had found it surprising that I had upped and left Rosewood, but he knew that I had my reasons and that a piece of me had always stayed behind anyways. I hadn't clued him on the whole Hanna situation, partly because I knew they were friends and if he knew, then his loyalty would lay with me, but since I had no clue if I was coming back, I didn't want him to spoil his newfound popularity, so I had to suffer through the updates of how Hanna was doing, and how I should try talking to her because Noel was sniffing around. It made my blood boil to hear that but I had to play cool because he couldn't know. The image of Noel and Hanna still remained in my head, and I couldn't shake it. I wondered what drove her into his arms? I wondered how she could be so reckless with our relationship? I wondered did I even cross her mind while she was bare in his arms? I wondered was he everything that she thought he was because there was no way in hell I would take her back after the pain she caused me, all I could do was wonder at the end of the day. Had I changed? I'm not sure, I mean I feel different, I feel heartbroken if that's something to call a change, but nothing significant. I guess the biggest question is, where will home be come September?

-Lucas

Family bliss, wish I knew what that was because at this moment life is starting to feel like family hell. Dear old dad has made his way back to Rosewood, which is weird because he was so eager to leave away, its been 4 weeks and I hate it. Mom was surprised but not too surprised, which has me a little confused as to where her loyalties lie, don't get me wrong, I know my mom can't stand my dad but I can't help but think she thinks is a good thing. The first week we would bash my father over dinner, but lately she hasn't joined in on the fun, its like she's accepted my father's return and hopes that things will get better. I don't want things to get better with him, things should have been better when we almost lost our house and my dads great idea was to have us move out and live elsewhere while he gallivants with his new family, I wanted things to be better then not now, not after I've sworn to hate him. He's made a habit to come around in the afternoons for about three hours, I mean he'll come over and ask me a few questions as if he were trying to soften me up, but I think he's gotten the fact that I'm still angry with him, so his questions have been limited each day that he's come over, after realizing that nothing much needs to be said between us, he watches television and that's it. I guess the thing I should be thankful for is that he hasn't forced Kate and to have sisterly interaction because that's not happening by a long shot. For the most part, Kate has remained on her side and the same goes for me as well.

Mona has let it be known that she's running a full fledged campaign against me for Queen Bee, I'd think nothing of it but if I want A off my back for good, then I have to treat her like a threat. Popularity doesn't buy much but people talking about you constantly and most of the time they're saying something negative about you that is far from the truth. People have begun to link Noel and I together but only a few know the truh behind our encounter, and they've been sworn to secrecy. Having Alton around is always fun in a weird way because he can see truth like none other, when it comes to people. If I must make my way back to the thrown, I want to do it on my own terms. Emily, Spencer, and Aria have become so grateful towards me that I'm starting to think of them as my personal slaves but if anything they're keeping me sane because having my dad back with his new family and then Lucas up and leaving, thats enough to drive a girl insane. Since they are in debted to me though, I do plan to have as many slumber parties as possible because I do kind of like having the girls back again even if the circumstances suck like they do now.

Looking across the street has become so depressing because every time I look over there I expect to see him but there's no him. I miss him so much that I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. Back and forth in my head, I wonder if he's found out about what happened between Noel and I, but for him to up and leave like that…I don't know what to think but I can't just assume he does know. Maybe he thinks I was so upset with him that the best thing for us was to have time apart, whatever is going on…I just need him. My mind has gone all over the place, I'm unsure if I should call him, text him, any form of communication has me second guessing myself. Sometimes when I look out at the stars, I imagine his face and how it felt to be in his arms, I imagined us in only the sweetest of memories. I wish it were more than that, I wish they were more than memories between us right now. Since Bianca's party, I have made as little as to no contact with Noel, I didn't want him to think that what transpired between us was anything more than me obliging A's demands. A part of me wishes that I would have went against the grain and see just what exactly A would have done, but I couldn't risk him, I couldn't risk losing Lucas or my mom or anyone for that matter, but I couldn't risk Lucas. I love him more than life it feels at times, so to have something happen to him because of a mistake I made four years ago, it wasn't even a consideration to me to put Lucas up for grabs. When Toby had Lucas and Alton stranded out in the open sea, it took every ounce of me to hold myself together but inside I just kept wondering if the last kiss he gave was truly the last kiss or the last time I smelled his intoxicating sense I couldn't help but wonder was that the last time, every little thing I loved about him and still love about him, it scared me to death to know that it could have all ended in the blink of an eye. I was mad at him that day for him reaching out to Mr. Smith on my behalf, and looking back on all our disagreements and the times we spend being upset with each other, I realized that it was all stupid, it wasn't worth it to be mad at someone that I cared so deeply for.

At the end of the day, I have to live with my decision and realize that I did it for him. It gave me no pleasure or satisfaction to be with Noel because having sex is not what I want with someone, Lucas helped me realize that being intimate with someone is about sharing your heart and soul, giving them a piece of you that no one else is privy to. Noel will never have that piece of me because it was never there to give to him because Lucas held it and at this point, he still holds the key to my heart until he wishes to give it back.

-Hanna

The end of summer sucks. TV is dumb, and so cliché. I half expect my porn collection to have better acting than it does. Lucas up and left so he's officially on my dumb list, but that's okay, I will find a way to make the rest of this summer memorable. I've been annoying Spencer a lot lately, maybe that's because I miss hanging out with Lucas, but passing the time with her isn't so bad…we bicker a lot but I think that's just how we are for some reason. I think she wants me, which is understandable because no lady can resist all of this loving.

My senior year is going to be epic, I'm sure of it. I know I should start worrying about going off to actually partake in college activities but I want to worry about that stuff later, not right now. So we'll see….

-Alton