Story: Just ask Voldie!

Chapter: 26

Word count: 506

Author: Khorale

Review count: 51

Parings: none

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Harry Potter except my fanfics

Summary: Various people mail Voldemort for advise. Very interesting results shown. Plain humorous and funny. Slight Voldemort OOC.

Author's note: Send your letter to Voldie today! Any insults, advises, or questions are welcome (to me anyways. Voldie'd just insult you back)

Dearest Lord Moldywart,

I've discovered why you are so bitter.

First, you feel different. Frowny face, right? You felt excluded, no one likes you blah blah blah. No big surprise there. But then you are a wizard! Oooh, fancy. You are very excited. You're put into Slytherin. Woot, woot, lifes a party! Handsome, good grades, and all that. So you find out about Horcruxes. Yay, you might be immortal now! :D AND THEN YOU BECOME THE WORLD'S DARKEST WIZARD. Snap. Living large.

And you're all good, Avada Kedvaraing like there ain't no tomorrow. Then Lily and James Potter come along, and their little tyke oh-so-cute might be the thing that kills ya. And Severus has a thing for Lily, so you swear to spare her, blah blah blah. So you go to their house after using Pettigrew and kill James. And then Lily's all stubborn and stuff. So you kill her too, deal with Severus later. Then you go to kill the kid.

AND IT BACKFIRES.

Pwned by a baby, dude. That's just pathetic, right? So you go all cynical and zombie/undead/whatever.

Twelve years later and Potter goes to Hogwarts.

Talk Quirrel into giving you a piggy back ride, so to speak. Try and get him to steal the stone.

POTTER COMES. WINS AGAIN.

Now a twelve year old beat you. You start to get a pretty low self-esteem.

Use a Weasley to get into the chamber. The girl. You got this. Give her a diary, let her blab about her feelings, pretend you care, whatevs. Start wiping out those mudbloods and traitors.

OH WAIT A SECOND. POTTER COMES YET AGAIN.

Third years boring. Sirius Black breaks outta Azkaban. No Big Deal.

Fourth year comes. One of your followers gets Potter into the Triwizard Cup. You come back.

AND THERE AINT NOTHING POTTER COULD DO ABOUT IT.

Potter doesn't die. BUT NEITHER DO YOU, VOLDY! BONUS!

Fifth year comes, Potter and Dumbles are mad...blah.

Order is back. Try and get the Prophecy. Fail.

Kill Sirius though. Fangirls still are Crucio-ing you for that one.

BTW, CRUCIO.

So sixth year comes.

Kill Dumbles. He steals your Horcrux though.

Seventh year, you're cool, you're hip.

The whole wizarding world? Trembling in fear. Especially your followers, but that's not the point.

Final battle comes.

Harry Potter comes to you. Tries to let you kill him.

AND HE STILL LIVES.

You quite literally die a little inside. So final battle or whatever.

THE BRAT DEFEATS YOU AGAIN.

I have a question.

Why do you suck so much, dearest Moldywart?

Sincerely,

Someone Need A Hug?

Dear someone needs a hug

Even though you sympathizes in me, Shut up.

P.S Crucio for you too.

-Voldemort