Chapter 19.75
Levi
The journey to the Capital was full of sweat and thirst. When we finally trudged through the last gates and into the new scenery, the collective sigh we heaved was a weight lifted. Of course, the relief was short-lived as we quickly moved on to the underground; full of unending filth and a permanent fog of stench much worse than our own sweaty group. The first few nights are uneventful. I run into a few recognizable faces who are sure to ignore me and move on as if they are suddenly quite busy, and ignore them in turn. The street rats scurry at the horse's hooves in a regretfully familiar pattern.
Auruo continuously glances at me curiously, which would be annoying if I didn't have more irritating things on my mind. Erd and Gunther remain quiet through the journey. Petra's glances match Auruo's, only are much more concerned than anything. I ignore it all until we settle in. Auruo complains loudly at the state of the town before he and Petra begin whispering to one another heatedly, huddled in the small alley corner where we've made our nightly fire. I tune them out and stare into the flickering flames warming the half of my body not pressed to the cold stone wall.
"Doing alright?" Gunther slides down the wall beside me with a serious expression.
"Yeah. Fine."
He doesn't look convinced, but turns his gaze onto the fire as well. "It's gonna be a long one, huh? You seem a bit out of it, though."
He's right, of course. The memories the Underground bring about are dragging me down; reminding me of old attachments I had thought to be done with. Since the first moment we stepped into this hellish place, I can only recall the faces of my lost friends. Isabel, who had once stormed my stubborn heart with her whirlwind of energy. Farlan, who became my brotherly conscience whom I was grateful for; even if I often ignored his advice. The reminders of them were all around me now.
"It's this place." He nods, understanding. "I'll be fine." He nods again.
"As long as we can do our mission quickly, right?" His hand squeezes my shoulder before he moves on to break up Petra and Auruo's impending fight. Erd watches us all from his place across the fire in silence.
Eventually everyone is calming down to rest although it is only late afternoon. I know that I should follow suit and sleep some before we spend the entire night skulking, but my mind simply will not quiet. My squad, my team; dare I even call them friends, only to one day lose them as well? Will it be due to my own carelessness, again? All I ever wanted was to carve out a life for my gang, and yet here I am trying to carve a life for myself and Michael; their existence but a memory within me. Eventually, my eyes are too tired to fight and fall closed.
It took days to find the first real lead into a tunnel, tucked behind a boarded up ruinous building and disguised as an abandoned basement. We almost would have missed it if not for the whistling of wind over the large opening, loud enough to hear from the small street we traveled. Days later, again, and we had mapped that tunnel straight to its end, before doubling back and mapping the smaller tunnels coming off of it. The progress was slow with our frequent need to resupply ourselves with lasting foods and clean water. There was an obvious lack of such provisions below ground.
I wasn't surprised to find that our theories were true, and Erwin's response to my initial letters said the same. We were clearly on their trail, even if it had gone cold years ago. I stare now at one of our hand-drawn maps in a newly discovered tunnel, miles away from that first one. My horse walks at a slow pace, huffing at the dirt in a hopeless search for something edible. As we mark off what feels like the thousandth dead end, I can only sigh with frustration.
Michael, are you missing me?
The thought surprises me despite my acceptance of these newfound feelings. It is that moment I realize that this heaviness in my chest is me missing him. His presence in my bed at night that makes me sweat uncomfortably; the way he talks animatedly when telling me about even the most boring things in his day; and even the constant hints at his perverted intensions I've exceeded at shutting down.
On the night of our second week in the Underground, we find what has to be the main tunnel. It's unoriginally placed near the center of the cluster-fuck of a town, but well hidden behind a slew of inconspicuous doors in an old building. The place is surprisingly still in use; occupied by small gangs running sketchy businesses out of the many vast rooms. We have to sneak through each room and pretend to be dealing in the bids and games to investigate, until we finally reach the depths of the building that aren't frequented by anyone. The place is so run-down and filthy that even the street kids won't hide here. In that bleak environment, the large and nearly perfect steel doors stands out easily, even from behind the odd pile of junk placed conveniently in front of them. They are dusty with abandonment, but there are no dents or scratches; not even a red hint of rust. Bingo.
Two weeks later, we have mapped the tendrils to their ends, but the main hall just keeps going and going; heading West for days and curving North. We get to a point where the supplies we can carry there and back can get us no farther, having no supply cart or extra horses. It is then that I send word to Erwin that we will be returning after a day of rest and resupply.
Our last day goes slowly, and we all agree to go our separate ways for the time being. I have no desire to revisit any of my old haunts, and so I retreat instead back to the cluster of buildings where we first found a tunnel. On the rooftop there, I find my mind wandering again to Isabel, Farlan, Petra, Auruo, Gunther, Eld, and Michael. What do they all have in common? A place close to me. In what ways are they different? Some of them can no longer be physically close to me.
I sigh. In a few more days I will face Michael, and it will be up to me to finally make my feelings clear to him. The subject has been a hard one for me, the soldier who doesn't grow attached. Not since they died. Not since I made that regretful choice.
If I allow Michael to be such a part of my life, I have to make it count. We have both lived harshly, and lost. He is a survivor. I know that I can trust myself to like him: someone who won't die and leave me so easily. His bright eyes and easy smile pervade my thoughts relentlessly until the sun goes down, and I make a new choice.
I will stop pushing Michael away. I will let him know how I am really feeling. I will not regret.