After he stormed away from his uncle, Fíli sat himself by the fire and stared into the flames trying to make sense of his chaotic thoughts. He was troubled to discover that the task was beyond him. In the past, whenever he had been angry he had tried to think about what his uncle would do in such a position but now . . . that thought brought him no comfort. And that left him with a dilemma. What did he, Fíli son of Dís, intend to do about this. It was something that he had never had to think of before.
In the past, there had always been a clear answer. Any problem could be solved by asking himself 'what would a true dwarf do in this situation?' but now . . . now he had no idea what a true dwarf was, let alone what one would do. Never before had he felt so lost or confused in his entire life. Everything that he had ever believed to be true had just been revealed to be a lie. He wasn't a failure. He hadn't done anything wrong. His uncle wasn't ashamed of him and didn't think that he was the shame of the line of Durin.
It was what he had longed to hear his entire life but it didn't make him feel better about himself. Rather, it only served to confuse him more. If he wasn't a failure why hadn't his uncle been able to see him rather than his dead uncle. Why hadn't Thorin been able to see Fíli? He knew that it was pathetic but he wished that he could go back just ten minutes and stop his uncle from telling him about Frerin. It was easier to believe that he was a failure than to know that despite all his efforts to be noticed and seen as a true dwarf, his uncle had never seen him at all. It had been easier to understand that he had earned the coolness through failure than to have to face the fact that nothing he could have done could ever have been good enough to earn him love. How was failing to earn love not a sign of deeper failures on his part? Fíli didn't even know what to believe about himself now.
He may not have known how he felt about himself in light of this revelation, but he was sure of one thing; he was furious with his uncle. As strange as it was, he wasn't as angry with his uncle for having behaved as he had but more for thinking that he could explain it away and make everything better. He wondered how his uncle could have ever thought that that explanation would help anything and he was furious that Thorin thought it could. But mixed in with the fury at his uncle was fury at himself.
Despite what Thorin had just said—which his mother had been saying for years—Fíli knew that there had to be something wrong with him. Despite everything that his uncle had done, all the years of favoritism and coldness and the insecurity that came from it, Fíli couldn't bring himself to hate his uncle. When he tried, the only thing that he could see was the pride that had been in his uncle's eyes in the Goblin Cave. The pride that his uncle had looked on him with as Fíli had inflicted unimaginable pain on him. When he tried to reach for hatred to comfort himself he couldn't get past the pride that had been in his uncle's dark blue eyes as he had tortured their owner to save Kíli. Pride, approval, love. Fíli couldn't hate someone that could look at him like that while suffering at his own hands.
Nor could he hate someone who had been willing to endure so much to protect someone they both loved. There was no doubt in Fíli's mind that their uncle had saved Kíli from pain if not from death itself. More pain, he mentally amended as he watched his brother limp into camp followed closely by Dwalin. No, Fíli couldn't bring himself to hate Thorin, even if he might deserve it. Not after what he did for Kíli.
Kíli. He wasn't sure how he felt about his brother either. He was still hurt by what Kíli had said to him the day before. The words had stung and hit far too close to home for comfort; hadn't Fíli always known that he wasn't worthy of his place in the succession or in the line of Durin? It had felt like Kíli had finally seen the truth. That he had seen past his perfect image of his big brother and seen the weak, cowardly failure below and that Kíli had rejected him for his faults, just as he had always known that their uncle had. If he was honest with himself, he had always feared it.
Kíli was so very like their uncle and Fíli could remember a time when Thorin had been warm to him. He had always feared that someday Kíli would see whatever failing their uncle had seen and turn from his as well, just like he deserved. And then he had. And it had hurt. It had hurt to be disowned like that, especially given that what turned Kíli against him was the sacrifice of Fíli's own principles for Kíli's sake. It still hurt that Kíli could say what he had, think what he had. It would probably always hurt but he wasn't angry with Kíli. Not anymore.
The more he thought about it, the more he realized that Kíli had only reacted just as he always had. Kíli was predictable. If he was in pain, he lashed out. Afterwards, when he regretted it, he clung to whomever he had lashed out at in an attempt to make up for his mistakes and show his love. That was how it always went. And Fíli had always forgiven him in the past. Kíli had only followed the familiar pattern, this time it was Fíli who had broken it. He had been unpredictable. Rather than forgive Kíli, Fíli had taken his turn to lash out in pain and had hurt his brother. Again, Kíli's reaction could have been predicted. He was hurt, he lashed out. Only, this time, no clinging behavior had followed because Fíli was unpredictable and Kíli feared him.
He felt bitter bile rise up his throat as he realized for the first time that his baby brother feared him. And it was his fault. He was the one who had lashed out at Kíli for trying to help him. He was the one who had sliced open his brother's face and spilled his blood. It was all his fault. His mother and Uncle were wrong. There was something wrong with him. There had to be something wrong with someone who could turn on their own brother as he had. Thoughts of Kíli had summoned the memory of the last time he had been near his brother, as he stormed off to go to their uncle. All he could see was the fear in Kíli's brown eyes and the way his hand had unconsciously crept to the wound on his cheek. Even though the pain and anger at Kíli were still there, they were overshadowed with regret for what Fíli's actions had taken from them. And he had no idea what to do about it.
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Upon walking into camp, Kíli noticed two things simultaneously: Fíli had moved away from their uncle and his braids were still out. It didn't make any sense. Kíli had seen their uncle braiding his brother's hair. Why wasn't it braided?
He was vaguely aware of someone pressing a bowl into his hands and him closing them around it, but he didn't touch the food. He couldn't tear his eyes from his brother's unbound blonde hair. Even he had only ever rarely seen it free and dry and now Fíli was sitting in the middle of camp with it hanging loosely around his face before them all. It didn't make sense. Fíli took pride in maintaining his braids. For him to sit there as he was—
"Kíli?" he heard Dwalin say beside him and looked sharply up at his cousin, only just realizing that he had been staring at his brother. "You need to eat," Dwalin said gruffly. Kíli made a noncommittal noise in his throat and went right back to staring at Fíli. This time, Dwalin followed the path of Kíli's eye and realized that the young dwarf hadn't just been staring off into nothing as he had thought.
"Kíli, lad, why are you staring at him?" Dwalin sighed. "Are you trying to arouse his temper? You know how he hates to be stared at."
"His hair's down," Kíli replied as though that explained away why he was doing something that he knew agitated his brother.
"Aye, it is," Dwalin agreed. He had to admit that it was odd as well but none of the others was staring at Fíli and Kíli should have known better that to do it. Especially with Fíli's present unpredictability. "What of it?"
"He never wears it down," Kíli said with the same tone as before, his eyes never straying from his brother.
"No, he doesn't," Dwalin said. "I still don't understand why you're staring at him though, lad."
"He never wears it down," Kíli repeated agitation beginning to creep into his tone that Dwalin was not understanding that Fíli was doing something so out of his character that Kíli was both perplexed and fascinated by it.
"That doesn't explain what you're doing, Kíli," Dwalin replied, a bit of exasperation creeping into his own tone. Why did Kíli insist on doing something that he knew upset Fíli, regardless of what Fíli himself was doing.
"It's just that . . . I thought Uncle . . . " Kíli trailed off as he felt jealousy stir in his gut and realized that had been what had set him off earlier. It hadn't been concern for his brother as he had believed but rather jealousy that Fíli would allow their uncle the same intimacies that he had so recently denied Kíli in the clearing even after all the disinterest Thorin had had in him over the years. It hadn't been love or fear, it had been petty jealousy. Kíli felt sick at the realization.
"I thought so too, but clearly not," Dwalin said with a shrug, not realizing that Kíli had just had another mini-epiphany. "Go talk to him if it bothers you so much. Maybe he wants some help. With him used to having it back it has to be bothering him and he can't braid with a broken hand."
"No," Kíli whispered brokenly shaking his head for emphasis. "I . . . I don't have the right to ask. Not after what I did."
"Of course you have the right to ask, you little fool!" Dwalin snapped. "You can always offer and if he doesn't want you to, he'll refuse. But you always have the right to ask. Now, get up, go over there, and ask your brother if he wants you to braid his hair." Kíli looked unconvinced but set his bowl down and did as he was told.
He flinched as Fíli glanced up at his approach and felt his mouth go dry. He suddenly knew that he couldn't do this. He couldn't ask what he had come to, not with Fíli looking at him so sadly. This was a mistake. He should just go back to Dwalin and forget about Fíli's hair.
Fíli watched as Kíli opened and closed his mouth a few times as he waited for his brother to speak. Even once it became clear that Kíli either wouldn't or couldn't, Fíli allowed the silence to stretch between them. When it appeared that Kíli would combust from the pressure, Fíli felt a small smile cross his face before he broke the tension, his voice calm and non-confrontational.
"Do you need something, Kíli, or do you just intend to stand there staring at me?" he asked, wondering just what had gotten into his baby brother.
"I . . . you're hair's loose," Kíli finally managed to choke out.
"It is," Fíli agreed with a shrug. "What of it?"
"Do you . . .that is, can I . . . let me braid it for you," Kíli said, flinching slightly as the last words left his mouth in a rush. He seemed to cringe a bit as he waited for the reply.
"No," Fíli said, the word little more than a snarl. He would never braid his hair again. Not after what he had just been told. Some small part of him hoped, petty as it was, that seeing his hair unbound would cause his uncle some small measure of pain he had caused Fíli over the years. He was so wrapped up in his own bitter thoughts that he didn't see the way that Kíli had reacted to the word. He didn't notice until Kíli spoke and he heard the pain of rejection in his brother's voice.
"I can get someone else to do it for you," Kíli offered quietly, refusing to look at Fíli. "It doesn't have to be me. Maybe Balin would—"
"No, Kíli," Fíli said gently, extending his good hand to his brother with a small smile, "it's not you I'm objecting to. I'm just done with braids. I don't want to wear them anymore. I would like it out of my face though. You can pin it back for me like yours if you'd like."
"I . . . I can?" Kíli asked brightly, a smile breaking out across his face that his brother would let him touch his hair. "You-you'd let me do that?" Hearing the very words that he had spoken to their uncle earlier broke Fíli's heart. Kíli should never have been led to doubt that Fíli would allow him the intimacies he was due as his brother. His own rejection of Kíli in the clearing the day before sprang sharply to his mind and his own words rang in his ears. He was the reason Kíli didn't think he was worthy to or allowed to do it. He was disgusted with himself for making another feel worthless.
"Of course I'd allow it," Fíli replied with a forced brightness as he trampled down his own guilt. "I . . . I'd even appreciate it. Please, Kíli, will you pin it back for me?" Kíli said nothing but his eager nod and bright smile were answer enough.
As he always was, Kíli was surprised at how much easier to tame Fíli's golden mane of hair was as opposed to his own unruly thatch.
"Ca-Can I ask, why the sudden change, Brother?" Kíli whispered hesitantly. "You've worn braids almost as long as I can remember. Why are you changing it now? I . . . I thought you liked your braids."
"Can I answer that later, Kíli?" Fíli muttered in reply. "I . . . not right now, alright?
"Alright," Kíli agreed, closing the large clasp around his brother's hair and moving to put a bit of space back between them so as not to suffocate Fíli. He wasn't sure how his brother would react to being smothered. Not anymore.
"You will tell me, won't you?" Kíli asked quietly. Once he would never have had to ask it. He would have known that Fíli would tell him anything. Now . . . he didn't' know.
"I will," Fíli promised, brushing back a loose strand of hair that Kíli had missed and putting it behind his ear. Kíli nodded and turned to go back to where Dwalin sat guarding his still steaming bowl but Fíli wasn't done with him just yet.
"Kíli?" he called and waited for his brother to turn around before he offered him a sad smile. "Thank you." Kíli nodded, returning the smile with a small one of his own before turning once more to go. As he walked away, Kíli's smile became a bit wider and more gentle. Perhaps Dwalin was right. Maybe Fíli didn't hate him after all.
If Dwalin noticed the smile on Kíli's face as the young heir lowered himself carefully to the ground once more, he didn't' say anything. Instead, he handed back Kíli's bowl and allowed him to eat in peace. He did notice that Fíli had no bowl in his hands and none nearby. He exchanged a glance with Balin who, when Dwalin nudged his head towards Fíli, nudged his own towards Thorin. He lifted his own bowl and quirked an eyebrow to ask if Fíli had eaten before he came over and Balin merely shrugged with a sad expression on his face.
With a sigh, the large dwarf got to his feet and walked towards the blonde heir, his own untouched bowl in his hands—he had been too intent on watching Fíli and Kíli, prepared to intervene if necessary, to eat. He didn't miss the way that Fíli relaxed when he glanced up and saw who was standing over him and he ardently wished that he was worthy of Fíli's trust.
"Here," Dwalin muttered handing his bowl to the younger dwarf. "I know you left yours elsewhere and haven't eaten. You said you were hungry so eat."
"I won't take your food," Fíli whispered. "I have my own. If I wasn't too much of a coward to go get it."
"Where is it then?" Dwalin asked. Fíli's eyes flicked towards his uncle and Dwalin sighed. "Did you eat any of it before Thorin upset you?" Fíli looked shocked that Dwalin knew what had happened. He hadn't even been in camp. But the older dwarf simply laughed.
"Fíli, I've known your uncle my entire life," Dwalin said. "I know how he gets when he's in pain. I don't know what he said to upset you but I can promise you he didn't mean it. When he's wounded, emotionally or physically, Thorin . . . he retreats within himself and then lashes out if you press him."
"Just like Kíli," Fíli muttered shaking his head sadly as he was reminded again just how similar his brother and uncle were. Was Kíli also capable of being as cold as his uncle for no reason at all?
"Just like Kíli," Dwalin agreed. "And that's not the only similarity they share, lad. I learned that today. And do you know what one of the things they share is?" Fíli shook his head. He knew many traits that Kíli and his uncle shared but he wondered which one Dwalin had learned.
"They both love you," the old warrior said with a smile. "Eat that. I'll go fetch yours and see if I can get Thorin out of whatever mood he's in." What I wouldn't give to have Dís here, Dwalin thought with a sigh. She was the best there was when it came to managing her brother's moods and he had a feeling that they desperately needed her now. He hated to think what condition he would find Thorin in and had no idea who could pull him back out if it was as bad as he feared it would be.
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Dwalin was right to have feared for Thorin's state of mind. He hadn't moved since Fíli had left. Instead, he remained curled against the tree with Fíli's clasps in his hand, his eyes open but not seeing the forest before them. Instead, his mind was filled with images of a tiny, golden-haired dwarfling looking up at him with unmitigated trust in his blue eyes; eyes that only moments before had been filled with hatred and betrayal. He had done that. He had taken something good and pure and innocent and morphed it into something more like himself: scarred, damaged, worthless. Not that he thought that Fíli was worthless. No. Fíli was damaged but he wasn't worthless. No. That was a label that Thorin reserved for himself.
Only someone who was worthless could take the unconditional love of a child and twist it in such a way as to cause that child pain. Only someone who was worthless could make a child—who they professed to love on more than one occasion—feel that they were a failure and unworthy of love. No, if anyone in the world was unworthy of love, Thorin knew that it was himself. Not Fíli. Never Fíli.
Time and again he had proven it. He was unworthy of his mother's love. Had he been worthy of it, he would have stayed in the mountain that day like she'd asked, he would have helped her to safety rather than stood by with Balin and watched his home and the town of Dale burn. He was unworthy of the love of his siblings. Frerin had died because of him and Dís . . . he had destroyed her sons—her world. Even if she forgave him, he didn't deserve it. He had never deserved her forgiveness, not for the death of their brother, or their father and he certainly did not deserve it for what he had done to Fíli and Kíli.
His precious boys. Oh! How he had proven himself unworthy of their love. Fíli . . . he had broken him long before the events of the Goblin Caves had shattered him. He may have appeared to be whole but his spirit had been broken down by years of never feeling good enough. Never succeeding in accomplishing enough, in his own eyes, to please Thorin who had never bothered to tell Fíli just how proud he was of him. And Kíli . . . he had failed Kíli as well. Through sheltering his nephew he had done him no favors, just as he had accused Dís of doing to Fíli with her coddling. The events since Goblin Town had shown him that. Kíli was too immature. He was so focused on himself that he didnt' see the pain in others until it affected him or was pointed out to him. Thorin felt his heart constrict as he realized just how much of himself was in Kíli. All of his ability to cause pain, to break others, and his little Kíli had inherited it.
As Thorin thought about it he realized that even if they did succeed in this quest, Erebor ruled by the line of Durin was doomed to fail. He was a fool. He had made so many mistakes in just the lives of his family, how could he ever expect to make the right decisions to rule a people. And it wasn't as if he could just step down. Fíli had the knowledge and the reason but he lacked the conviction and self-assuredness necessary to rule. With what Thorin had done to him . . . Fíli would not be able to rule in his current condition. And even if Thorin could bring himself to wrong Fíli even further by robbing him of his birthright, Kíli was in no better condition to rule. He had the knowledge, he had been educated right beside his brother, but he lacked the emotional and self-disciplinary skills necessary to wield that knowledge. He had the confidence to rule but he was too impulsive, too rash, and made too many decisions based on emotional rather than logic. If Thorin could find a way to somehow crown both of his nephews, it would be perfect. With Fíli's cool head and logical mind to make decisions and Kíli's willpower to enforce them . . . If they could be rolled into one person they would be legendary, the best king the line of Durin had ever produced.
But that was impossible. All they had when he was gone were two deeply flawed individuals that were in line to rule. Even so, they couldn't possibly do worse than he had when it came to personal decisions. No matter how he looked at it, it was his fault. The fall of the kingdom they had yet to claim, the scarring of his nephews. . . he was unworthy of life, let alone kingship and love. It was hopeless. He had nothing left to live for. No kingdom, no kin . . . nothing.
"Thorin, which of these is Fíli's?" he heard Dwalin ask. Thorin didn't answer. He couldn't summon up the energy to do it. It wasn't as if it mattered. Neither of them had been touched and even if Dwalin took them both it was fine. Thorin knew he didn't deserve food. He didn't want it either.
"Are you going to answer me?" Dwalin asked, sighing angrily when he realized that Thorin was not going to answer him any more than he was going to acknowledge his presence. This was worse than he'd feared. Taking one of the bowls for himself and leaving the other beside Thorin in case he changed his mind, he rose and went to search for Balin. There was only one thing left for them to do and he sincerely hoped that two things were true: the first was that he hoped that Dís had been right when she had told him how to fix Thorin if he fell into one of these slumps and the second was that he hoped Kíli was up to the task. He would never forgive himself is he sacrificed yet another child to keep Thorin sane.
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There we are all, a new chapter. I was asked on FF for a bit of a summary of what each of them are thinking about the other two and themselves so this chapter was born. Kíli kind of had his say in the last on so Thorin and Fíli needed theirs here.
As some of you may already know, there will most likely NOT be a new chapter out next week. I have finals and I don't think that I will have time to get one out BUT the good news is that after that I have nearly a month free to write as much as I would like :)
Guest: I know that you'll probably never see this as I'll bet you quit at chapter 17 but that's part of the point. These aren't sane males. They're deeply flawed individuals, though I will admit that it may have been a bit overkill. I am female after all but I have seen some emotional heart-to-heart moments from sane males in much less stressful situations that this. I'm sorry that you disliked it and do hope that your computer screen is still fine. If you did make it this far, I can tell you that things will get less touchy-feely from here on out as things equalize a bit and they get better at controlling themselves. At any rate, thank you for your review!
Anybody: Hello again :) And I do not mind analyses at all, feel free to analyze all you want. I'm glad that you are still loving it! And that is exactly why Fíli was angry. And no, no one told Thorin but really, no one should have had to. It only makes sense that your relationship issues will effect all future relationships, sad as it is. And I don't think Fíli is overreacting at the moment either. He has every right to be angry at the moment and he does get to chose now. Let's just hope he makes the right choice. And someone needs to do just that, the only problem is that there's not really anyone to do it. Dwalin could, but once his involvement comes out, that advice will get chucked aside. But Fíli does need to hear that. And I'm glad that you liked Dwalin stepping up to the plate with Kili. And nope, Kíli would make a horrible psychologist. He can't really help others because he doesn't quite understand himself yet, but he's getting there :) And thank you for your kind words :) I hope that you continue to enjoy it! (and we all have typos :) Don't worry too much.)
Jessica: Thank you so much for your review! I've been meaning to address this and you have provided me with the means to do it :) As to the Fíli/Kíli age debate, Tolkien himself created this problem. In the passage you mentioned in The Hobbit he stated that Fíli was the youngest but in the geneology at the end of Return of the King he gives their ages with Kíli being the youngest. Since that's where all of the information on Frerin and Thorin's past comes from, that is the age I went with. So it was a conscious decision but there was a base to it. And the argument can still be made that way, even though it can also be made that neither of the boys was well served by their upbringing. Kíli is Thorin's acknowledged favorite while Fíli is the one he pushed to better himself. More was expected of Fíli becuase he rose to ever challenge presented to him and Kíli was given more leeway because ... well, he was the favorite. And I hope that this chapter helped with some clarification. I was planning on doing something like this before you asked but decided that now was the time when I got your request. And I'm glad that you are glad that I slipped Frerin in :) I do like the background history that Tolkien gives us to work with and how it could factor into the present situations : And again, thank you! It drives me nuts when I see "escape from GT and into the trees." There is no way that the goblins could have organized quite so quickly after the death of the Great Goblin. And yep, orcs and wargs often seem to go hand in hand, don't they? And I do plan on keeping it (if I can ever figure out how to get Thorin into a tree :/ But the scene will be there all the same). And thank you for noticing! I do try to respect the cannon for the world I am working in even if I do take liberties. I hope that this has helped clarify my reasoning on a few things for you and that you continue to enjoy the story!
Guest: Gotta love universe discrepancies put there by the author, eh? It has become a bit repetitive, I agree. I may go back and do some major revisions (though the plot will remain constant) and things are about to change. Kíli is finally mostly fixed and nearly everything is finally out. Part of the reason that it kept going back to the problems is that everything was never brought out into the open. They would vent just enough to let off the pressure and then stop. And they are, Kíli especially so far, though both Fíli and Thorin have had their moments. And their behavior has not been becoming in the least (I wouldn't even venture to argue that it has) and now that they are starting to level out they are going to be beyond ashamed of themselves and start behaving more appropriately to both their race, gender and station. Thank you for your review!