A/N: So I know it has been a little while since I last updated, but I have had no time to write. I finally got some time and got this chapter done. I hope this helps explain why Jude stays with Lance and some other questions y'all may have. Enjoy and review. As always I do not own Instant Star or Untitled by Simple Plan or Your Guardian Angle by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.
Chapter 24
Dear Diary,
Christmas is supposed to be time for cheer and good will towards men and happiness, so why do I feel so miserable? Ever since my birthday I haven't been happy, not even for a second, but then again I wasn't really happy before. Hearing Tommy tell me all that stuff and Lance catching us kiss has made things so much worse. Lance is literally attached to my hip whenever possible, and he has started hurting me daily. At school it's just grabbing my wrist too hard, but when we are alone he hits me for every little thing possible. If I look at him wrong, that's a punch. If I stop him from doing dirty things, that's a punch. Even if I laugh at the wrong time he will punch me. He has gotten so good at it that he even knows to hit me in places that no one will see. My sides are covered in bruises and lately it has gotten harder for me to move without a shooting pain going through my body. I know this isn't a healthy relationship, but I like it. I enjoy the pain, and welcome it most of the time. That sounds crazy, but it is completely true. I have welcomed pain like this for years, normally they are self-inflicted. Ever since the rape I have been cutting, but here lately it doesn't help take away the pain. Once Lance started causing me pain I noticed that my other pain was gone, which is the only reason why I stay with him. I refuse to tell anyone this because I know they will think I am crazy, especially Tommy. Tommy cares so much about me that I know he would do anything to help me, but I don't want it. I have never been good at asking for help or welcoming it, and I don't think I ever will. After hearing everything Tommy said I feel like if I tell him the truth his feelings would change. I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with Tommy, no matter how weird it is. Things would be a million times better if Tommy and I could just be together. When I am with Tommy I don't feel broken, and I feel happy. The ring he gave me alone can make me feel warm inside, and when Lance is hitting me or doing things to me I look at the ring and I feel better. My life is so fucking screwed up and I don't think it will ever be normal. I really hate this.
XOXO Jude
**Tommy's POV**
"Jude, can we ta…" I say walking into Jude's room but shut up when I hear her singing.
I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded
By the white light
I can't remember how?
I can't remember why?
I'm lying here tonight
And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No, I can't stand the pain
How could this happen to me?
I've made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?
Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound
But no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done, no I can't
How could this happen to me?
I've made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?
I leave the room while Jude plays around with a guitar solo, knowing that she doesn't want anyone to hear the things she is saying.
I've made my mistakes
I've got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?
I hear the faint noise of Jude's voice finish the song followed by heart wrenching crying. I stand in the stairwell just listening to her cry, wishing I could help her but knowing I don't have all the information needed to help her.
After a few minutes Jude becomes quiet before I hear a door slam followed by running water. I walk back up the stairs to Jude's room finding it empty, like I knew I would. I glance around the room before my eyes land on a blue spiral notebook sticking out from under a pillow. I walk over to the bed and grab the notebook and slowly open it. After flipping through the pages I realize that the notebook is actually Jude's diary. I contemplate putting it back, but the last entry catches my eye.
"What the hell are you doing?" Jude yells as she runs over to pull the notebook from my grasp.
"Jude, it's not what it looks like." I stammer out.
"You were reading my diary!" Jude yells as tears well up in her eyes.
"Yes, but I didn't…" I start but stop as a hand connects with my face. "What the hell?" I shout as my hand flies to my face.
"I can't believe you read my diary. Those are my personal, secret thoughts. No one is supposed to read that, ever. How could you read that?" Jude yells as tears slowly fall down her cheeks.
"I heard you singing, and it made me really worried. I know you haven't been telling me the truth about Lance and other things so I took it upon myself to find out what's really going on." I explain
"If I wanted to tell you all that stuff I would have. I know you are worried, but that doesn't give you the right to read my diary." Jude says frustration evident in her voice.
"I'm sorry" I say walking over to her but she steps back.
"Tommy, please just leave. I need to get ready for the Christmas party." Jude says walking over to her closet.
"Okay, I guess I will just see you there." I say before walking out of her room. "I really am sorry." I say over my shoulder.
"I know" Jude replies.
**Jude's POV**
I walk into party, Lance's arm around my waist. I glance around the party and my eyes instantly find Tommy. He notices me looking at him and starts walking over, but stops when he notices Lance. I smile at him and he smiles back before walking towards the stage.
"Merry Christmas everyone" Tommy says into the microphone causing everyone to yell a merry Christmas in reply. "So I know that all of you really want to keep listening to Christmas songs, but I have a special song for a certain person." Tommy's eyes scan the room before finding me and smiling. "I know I messed up earlier, but I hope you can forgive me, merry Christmas girl." Tommy says before he starts playing.
When I see your smile,
Tears run down my face
I can't replace.
And now that I'm strong I have figured out,
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul.
And I know I'll find deep inside me,
I can be the one.
I will never let you fall.
I'll stand up for you forever.
I'll be there for you through it all.
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven.
It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing,
And waves are crashing,
And stars are falling all for us.
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter,
I can show you I'll be the one.
I will never let you fall.
I'll stand up for you forever.
I'll be there for you through it all.
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven.
'Cause you're my, you're my, my
My true love, my whole heart.
Please don't throw that away.
'Cause I'm here for you.
Please don't walk away and,
Please tell me you'll stay.
Stay.
Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay,
Though my skies are turning gray
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up for you forever
I'll be there for you through it all,
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
I will never let you fall.
I'll stand up with you forever.
I'll be there for you through it all,
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven.
As the music fades away and the song ends I turn away from the stage and walk into the house. I run towards the bathroom, holding back the tears.
"Jude" I hear Lance yell from behind me but ignore him.
I slam the bathroom door behind me and lean against the counter as I let the tears flow freely. I slowly slide down to the ground and curl up into a ball.
"Jude" a faint voice says as the door opens. I hear footsteps come towards me and then feel hands wrap around my waist. "Talk to me" Tommy says pulling me into his lap.
"Tommy I feel so broken and confused." I whine out.
"I want to help you, but you need to talk to me." Tommy says calmly.
"You read my diary; you know that I have issues." I reply a little bitterly.
"I didn't read all of it, and I rather you explain it to me." Tommy says his voice full of concern.
"I have issues, major issues. I am constantly in this state of pain from the rape, and to get rid of the pain I cut myself. Lately the cutting hasn't been working, but Lance hurting me does. I am only with Lance because of the pain he causes me, not because he makes me feel unbroken or because I love him. I could never love someone like him. Shit I don't think I could ever love anyone that isn't you." I ramble out.
"Jude, you need to break up with Lance, like yesterday." Tommy says
"I know, but I need the pain." I reply my voice completely pathetic.
"No you don't. You need someone who is going to take the pain away and someone who makes you feel unbroken. I want to be that person." Tommy says before slamming his lips to mine.
The kiss deepens and I turn so I am straddling him. Tommy's hands slide down to my hips pulling me closer to him. He turns his body so he is no longer leaning against the counter before lifting us up followed by him lying me down on the ground. His lips move from my mouth and slowly kiss down my jawline to my neck. I moan out in pleasure causing Tommy to stop.
"Why did you stop?" I breathe out.
"I don't want this to happen in a bathroom for one." Tommy says with a chuckle. "Also I'm not the kind of guy who takes advantage of a vulnerable girl."
"Okay" I reply a little hurt.
"Jude, don't get me wrong I would love for this to happen, but this isn't even close to the right time." Tommy explains sliding a piece of hair behind my ear followed by a kiss to the forehead.
"Jude" Lance yells from outside the door while pounding on the door. "Open this damn door!"
"Shit" I whisper out panic rising in my voice.
"Don't worry there is another door out of here." Tommy whispers into my ear before getting up to leave.
"Wait" I say while pulling him back and connecting our lips. "I'm going to end this thing with Lance." I whisper into his ear after the kiss.
"Maybe I should stay then. I doubt he is going to just let you dump him without a fight." Tommy says worry written all over his face.
"I'm not going to do it right now, but I will do it. I promise." I reply sliding my hand against his cheek.
"Just be safe." Tommy says before leaving.
I walk over to the other door and open it to see Lance's furious face. "Sorry, my stomach was upset." I say before walking past him out of the bathroom.
"Sure, more like you couldn't deal with Tommy singing a love song to you." Lance replies his voice full of anger.
"Think what you want, but I really don't feel good. I'm just going to head home." I say calmly. "Merry Christmas" I say as I peck him on the cheek and walk away leaving a stunned and furious Lance behind.