Bella's a Cock-Tease

Bella's inner monologue: I didn't get very far before driving became impossible. Uh oh, I think I hot boxed in Jacob's room and am now having a bad trip… so emotional! I wasn't alone for very long.

Edward: Are you really ready to go home? Oh no, did she read the next book? God, I hope not.

At Bella's house:

Charlie: What happened? Is Jacob… still a virgin? Maybe Jacob hit a home run… but must not get hopes up.

Bella: I had to talk to Jacob about… some things that were hard.

Charlie: Hmmm "talking" about "hard things. Score! Jacob's the man. But he didn't really look up to it the last time I saw him… Was this really the best time?

Bella: Probably not, Dad, But I didn't have any alternatives.

Charlie: Ummm, so Edward's not too keen on the pushin'? That's fine by me. How did he handle it? Hopefully he could last a little bit.

Bella: -

Charlie: I hope you didn't mess up his recovery.

Bella: He's a quick healer.

Charlie's inner monologue: *sigh* Ah those were the days… to be young and getting some. Damn, sometimes I miss Renee and that loofa of hers… oh and the ice cream. Good, good times.

In Bella's room:

Bella's inner monologue: So I spend the next night/day crying, occasionally switching to sobbing or weeping depending on the hour, as plain crying can become boring.

Edward: Thank the lord the water works have ceased. Did you make the right choice? I've never seen you in so much pain- and if living an eternity with you means that you are going to be blubbering like this, tears or no tears, I'm not sure I want it.

Bella: I know who I can't live without. Hand me that book.

Edward: This again?

browniechadowes: Really, I quite agree with Edward.

Bella: I wanted to find this part I remembered… If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger. Wow, even for me that's a tidge on the melodramatic side.

Edward: I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!

Bella: Yes.

Edward: Well, I was being sarcastic, but if it makes you happy…

At the Cullen's:

Alice: Thank you, Bella! Want to see your dress?

Bella: Sure. When did you get me a dress?

Alice: I'm a future reader, Bella. Fabric masterpieces don't happen overnight. All right! C'mon.

Bella: *looking at old lacy Anne of Green Gables dress* It's just right for him.

Alice: I thought Edward hadn't told her about his little dress-up habit… But is it right for you?

Bella: I think it is.

Alice: Go play with Edward.

browniechadowes: *stifles laughter*

Alice: I have to get to work.

Edward: To the meadow!

Bella: To the meadow!

The meadow:

Edward: Why did you decide to give Alice free reign?

Bella: Because ever since you stole my Ultimate Martyrdom List I have been trying to reclaim the position of ultimate martyr and this was a perfect opportunity. Charlie and Renee and Phil. They'll know I'm happy.

Edward: Deal's off.

Bella: You're backing out? No! ..... Gah!

Edward: No. We're doing this your way. Maybe if we gave you enough morphine… I also heard Stephenie has an exuberant excess of left overs from writing Breaking Dawn.

Bella: Edward, no-

Edward: Don't worry, love. I haven't forgotten your demand.

Orchestra: *bow chicka wow wow*

Bella's inner monologue: If I wanted I wouldn't be able to remember why I had to stop him.- Wait, Stephenie, why for the name of all that is holy do I have to stop him?

Stephenie: Fiery pits of hell, pre-matrimonial sex, dirty dirty things, Bella.

Bella's inner monologue: Oh, never mind! My less noble side exulted. No, no, no.

Bella: Stop, Edward. Wait. Ugghhh *shudders* Have just cock-blocked myself.

Edward: Why? Damn it, it's just as frustrating the other way around.

Bella: I don't want to do this now. Yes ah dooooooo!

Edward: Don't you? I want you. Right now.

Bella: Oh dear holy God. *looks down* If I had a penis then I would have a massive boner about now. Wait, wait. .Noble.

Edward: Not for me. Nope. It's been over 100 years. Tis the time to get down with a little necrophilian loving.

Bella: Please? Your virtue, Edward, your virtue! Everything in the right order. Your soul is far, far too important to me to take chances with.

Edward: *flips through novels* When the hell did Bella get morals and a religion? Oh that's right, the very second I decide I want to screw the hell out of her. How convenient. Tease. If you change your mind…

Bella: You'll be the first to know.

Edward: Well, I would hope so, but seeing as you do love two people… I'll get you home.

Bella: I'm going to need that ring. It's time to tell Charlie.

Edward: Highly dangerous. Can I behead, dismember, and set him on fire too?

Bella: Only if he's sporting his Team Jacob shirt.