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Chapter 26

Trying too hard

"I told you that if you just talked to him you could work things out," Lily whispered with a smug grin, shivering a little in the chilly morning.

She and Lisa had volunteered to help Hagrid with the Flobberworm infestation of his pumpkin patch. Well, Lily volunteered and no one else wanted to go with her, so Lisa consented, since she had a free period today. Kettleburn was still recovering from that 'centaur lesson', and Dumbledore hadn't managed to find a replacement on such short notice. The two girls were spraying the patch with pesticide, as Hagrid was scolding Spike, his huge brown bloodhound, for trampling the pumpkins in his curiosity.

"We... didn't really talk that much," Lisa admitted. "He just... looked at me."

"He's been looking at you for weeks."

"No, I mean... he..." Lisa struggled to find the right words. "He... I don't know how to explain it. Our eyes met and... I know it sounds silly, but I just... knew. He told me everything that mattered just with a look."

To her surprise, Lily gave her a small smile. "I know what you mean. Sometimes when—"

Her words died out as Remus himself came towards them through the muddy Hogwarts grounds.

"Hi," he greeted once he was within earshot. "Alice told me you were here. How is the war with the Flobberworms going?"

"It'd be going faster if you joined our ranks," Lily quipped, flashing him a warm smile. He returned it and nodded, and with his added help, they got half of the patch clean in less than fifteen minutes. Wanting to give them some time alone, Lily winked to Lisa and went over to Hagrid to ask for a pesticide refill, despite the fact that the liquid swished audibly inside the watering can.

"So, did you want something, or did you come here all the way from the castle because you simply could not live with yourself if something happened to Hagrid's pumpkins?" Lisa asked, nudging Remus playfully.

He smiled. "Both."

"What is it then?"

"I was going to suggest accompanying you to the Library today. It's Friday."

Friday. Lisa's heart sank immediately. Every Friday afternoon since mid-way through first year was always Lisa and Dorcas time. And since half of the duo went on an undercover mission a few months ago, Fridays were particularly melancholy for Lisa. Her friends kept asking her why she still goes there and reads by herself, but she didn't know what to tell them. It was more than a just habit — it was holding on to the fact that Dorcas wasn't a traitor. It was a time she set aside each week to somehow honor their friendship, to show support for the Slytherin, even if she couldn't do it openly. Dorcas had told her there was no need for that, but Lisa insisted. It was the only thing she had.

Still, it left her glum for the rest of the day more often than not, and everyone had noticed. Remus was giving her a sad, sympathetic look, so she leaned over and kissed his cheek.

"Thanks, but no thanks. I want to do it alone."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

She smiled reassuringly, but he didn't quite buy it.

oOo

A few hours later, Lisa found herself perusing The Dark Arts Outsmarted, one of Dorcas' favorites. She looked out the window. Judging by the location of the sun, it was about four in the afternoon. Sighing heavily, she picked up her bag and headed to the exit. Life was so much grayer without Dorcas.

And just as she waved goodbye to Madam Pince, Lisa saw a familiar tall figure loitering right outside.

"Hey. What're you doing?" she asked, approaching.

"Waiting for you." Remus smiled. "You don't want to let me be inside with you, fine. But you didn't say anything about waiting for you afterwards." He held out a chocolate cupcake for her. "The elves say hi."

Lisa laughed lightly and took the dessert, sensing her mood lift a little.

"Come on. I have an idea that might cheer you up," he said, taking her hand and gently pulling her up the stairs and through some shortcuts only a Marauder would know. Lisa took a bite from the cupcake and let herself be dragged behind tapestries and up narrow staircases, lacing her fingers with his.

After about ten minutes, she realized he was taking her to the Astronomy Tower. Once they reached the top of the staircase, Lisa was left almost breathless by the beautiful view. Even on a broom she had never been this high.

"You know, I've never thought of coming up here during the day," she admitted, leaning over the railing.

"What's the point of coming at night? People will be in class," Remus said, joining her.

She laughed and shivered a little. This being the tallest tower in the castle, meant it was also the coldest. She took his hand and draped his whole arm over her shoulders, nestling herself comfortably against him. Remus felt both joy and guilt rush over him and pierce his body more deeply than the icy wind. Her casual acts of affection were killing him.

"Lisa, we need to talk about it," he said quietly. She didn't respond. "Please. This is eating me up."

"What's eating you up?" she said at last, but it sounded fake even to her.

"You know what."

"There's no point in discussing it. I've forgiven you, we've moved past it. What more is there to talk about?"

"We haven't moved past it. We've ignored it. And I can't keep going like that, I can't keep pretending things are back to the way they were when this is hanging between us like an axe waiting to fall."

"Aren't you being a bit dramatic?"

"Lisa..."

"It's getting cold up here. We should go back to the Common room."

She tried to walk away, but his hand shot out and grabbed hers firmly.

"Now who's running away?"

Lisa froze in her tracks. For the last year or so, she had always been the one that chased after him, both figuratively and literally, sometimes having to forcefully drag him into a confrontation so he would admit his feelings. And now here he was, throwing her own words back in her face.

"I think it's pretty clear things aren't exactly how they were before," she said, looking at the ground. "Before, you would've never threatened Adrian to stay away from me. And you would be convincing yourself you deserve every bit of guilt, and you would've let it fester in you for months before even mentioning anything. And before... I would have trusted you unconditionally."

His grip on her hand tightened slightly. "Do you still want to be with me?"

Lisa smiled and took a step forward, shortening the distance between them.

"Yes," she said, looking straight into those bright, green eyes and slipping her hands in both of his. "Though to be honest, I'm not even sure I have a choice. Being without you was horrible."

Remus let out a breath he didn't even realize he was holding. His heart was echoing painfully against his chest, but her sure, warm hands kept him grounded, kept him steady.

"But you don't trust me."

"I trust you with my life. With my heart... I don't know. I used to, but now I just... can't help it."

"... I understand," he said in a strained voice. "Those things take time. I've been too absorbed in my own self-loathing to notice this until now, but it takes two to make a relationship work. And for the entirety of ours, I've let you do all of it. This will no longer be the case. I promise you that from now on, I will put effort into winning you back. No matter how long it takes, I will earn back your trust, and I will strive to be the man you always thought me to be."

"You really are in a dramatic mood today, aren't you?" Lisa chuckled softly and slowly met her lips with his.

oOo

The next day at lunch, Lisa couldn't help but think back to that conversation. She did not want to hear the tale of how he wanted to put his hands on Piper. She just wanted to put it out of her mind and forget it ever happened, go on like before. It a lot of ways, it was still the same. He still made her feel whole, and right, and good when she was with him. Just being able to laugh with him again, to share a glance during class... it felt like she was in balance again, like her whole world was off its axis when they were apart and it finally went back to how it was supposed to be. She loved him, and it was as strong as ever, that much was a fact. But he was right about it not being the same anymore.

The doubts born in that broom cupboard a month ago were still there. About him, about her. Was she enough? Was he satisfied in this relationship? Maybe he wanted variety; they had been together for a long time... What if he got tired of her at some point? Complacency is love's suicide, right?

Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted when Alice gasped beside her. Lisa looked around for the cause of the commotion and saw a whole battalion of brown spots, bouncing on the floor. Students were pointing and whispering, and the Gryffindor girls exchanged bewildered glances.

"What are those?" Marlene asked, but her question was soon answered as the brown spots jumped onto their table and hopped towards them. Lisa's eyes widened with surprise as she realized is was a whole bunch of chocolate frogs. They neared and neared, arranging themselves into a tight formation right in front of her, then opened their mouths and sang under Lisa's petrified gaze. It was a literal frog choir! To her further horror, the frogs sang 'A Matter of Trust'. Only one person knew her well enough to have them sing Billy Joel. Lisa's whole face was steadily becoming a very pronounced shade of red as she listened to the song, wanting desperately to be anywhere but here. The entire Great Hall was watching her, while she was cursing Remus in her head with every hex she knew. When the embarrassing ordeal was over, the middle frog opened its mouth and held out a piece of parchment. It read 'Trophy room'.

The following silence was deafening, but fortunately didn't last long. The Hall exploded with laughter and comments, Marlene sighed and swooned as she took a frog and bit its head, Alice gave Lisa a smile, but Lily shot her a sympathetic look. Lisa's eyes slid down the table to the Marauders, and her anger flared up when she saw Sirius and Peter laughing their heads off, and James smirking smugly.

She stood up abruptly, walked over and dragged the surprised James by the collar all the way to the Entrance Hall. "You told him to do this, didn't you?" she exploded, once they were out of earshot.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," James denied immediately, straightening his robes, just as Sirius and Peter caught up.

"Don't you dare lie to me, Potter! This has your muddy hoof prints all over it!"

"It's not his fault, Lisa," Peter jumped in. "Moony asked for some advice, and—"

"And he should've gone with my idea," Sirius interjected with a scoff. "Told you I know how to please a woman better than you, Prongs."

"He asked for romantic advice from you two?" Lisa exclaimed in disbelief. "And he listened to it?"

"Hey! I'll have you know that Prongs and I have bagged the most dates out of the Marauders!" Sirius exclaimed indignantly.

Lisa just sighed in aggravation. "I'll deal with you later. Never ever give me presents for anything, ever!"

She turned her back on them and stomped to the third floor, which not-so-coincidentally was usually barren this time of day. And of course, Remus was waiting for her in the Trophy Room, and he was holding a rose.

Lisa couldn't help but groan audibly and slap her hand on her forehead. "Please tell me this is some sort of prank."

He stared at her like a deer in headlights. "I... I just thought... James said girls like this sort of thing..."

"Since when do you listen to James about this? You know he overdoes it with everything, and put that thing away, seriously!" she exclaimed, gesturing to the flower and pinching the bridge of her nose. He looked down at his hand and perched the rose on a random award. "Sweet Merlin, Remus! In the name of all that is holy, please do not embarrass me this way ever again! The whole school was watching that spectacle! I don't even know how I'm going to show my face in public again! The teachers saw it, the Death Eaters saw it, Snape saw it! He will never let me live this down!" Not to mention Dorcas. The green notebook would be full with frog jokes by the time she opened it again!

"I... I'm sorry," he said quietly, his face turning red. "You know I'm not very good at this, so I..."

"You decided to ask the Marauders about it?!"

"You liked James' valentine to Lily."

"No, I did not! I said it was endearing in how bad it was! That is not the same as... wait. You don't have a poem on you, do you?"

He looked down at his shoes and became even redder, if that was possible.

Lisa groaned again. "Remus, for Merlin's sake! This is trying too hard! I've told you before, and I'm telling you again, I do not need such things! You don't have to lay our business out in the open like that!"

"I wanted to do something to show you I'm trying... I thought it was a bit much, but they convinced me you would like it," he murmured under his breath like a scolded four-year-old.

"I have no doubt, but why did you listen? You know me better than them!"

"James has known you since you were three."

"Just because he's known me longer, doesn't mean he knows me better! How can you not trust yourself on this?"

He was silent and her words hung in the air between them.

"I see," she said quietly, finally realizing the problem. "I told you I don't trust you... so now you don't' trust yourself."

He finally lifted his eyes to meet hers. "How can I? If you don't believe in me, how can I believe in myself?"

Lisa's heart fell and she wrapped her arms around him in a hug. "Oh, Remus... I didn't mean it like that."

"I'm afraid I'll mess up again and lose you," he muttered in her shoulder. "A part of me wanted you to give up on me before. But now... now I can't even stomach the thought. Fleet has proven that you always have a choice, that there are other, better options for you out there. I've never actively tried to... to present an argument as to why you should chose a beast like me over someone normal. I..."

"You have nothing to prove," she interrupted. "You've misunderstood what I said up in the Astronomy Tower. Of course I still trust your judgment. You always know just what to say or do to make me feel better, even without me telling you I need it. You don't need to send a choir to serenade me to show me how you feel, I can see it when you smile at me and take my hand in yours. I don't need you to write me poetry, because you tell me everything I need just with a look. That part of our relationship is just fine. You're trying to fix something that's not broken."

"So what you meant then... was that you don't trust me not to cheat again."

"Sort of," she admitted, wanting to make it perfectly clear this time around. "It's not that simple. It's not that I think you can't resist temptation, and that you will go around snogging girls behind my back. I know you're not that kind of person. It was more about me, than about you, what I said. I guess what I was trying to say was... that I'm afraid you'll... get bored of me."

He pulled back to look at her in pure shock. "Get bored of you?"

"Well, why else would you be kissing other girls? You're a guy, I get it. A long time with only one person can become boring, especially since we don't fight all that often. So one sweet changeless chord too long sustain'd; Falls at its close into a lower tone."

To her surprise, Remus laughed and kissed her forehead. "And that is why I will never get bored of you. Who else can recite 19th century poetry off the top of their head?"

"Most people would argue that in itself is boring."

"Then they don't understand what they are talking about. And neither does Lewis Morris. Me getting bored is the last thing you need to worry about."

Lisa's lips curved into a small smile and she sighed. "I'll tell you what. I'll try to trust you on this, and we can start acting... normal again. No more over the top declarations of love, and no more doubts."

"And no more talk of complacency and Love's Suicide."

"Or of Piper Spudgen."

"Or of Adrian Fleet."

They both laughed and he rested his forehead against hers.

"See, this," she said, tightening her arms around him slightly. "This is what matters. Let's just... concentrate on this. Everything else will work itself out."

"Now who's being dramatic," he mumbled.

"Shut up. At least I didn't write poetry."

"You quoted a poem. That makes you just as bad."

"Are we really doing this? After that frog choir in the Great Hall? I will never be as cheesy as you. Just admit it."

"You like cheese. Especially cream cheese. I've seen you eat ridiculous amounts of it."

Lisa sighed playfully and poked him in the ribs. Not waiting for his chuckle to die down, she caught it with her lips. "Merlin, I love you when you laugh."

He only gazed at her, threading his fingers through her hair, and she didn't need him to say the words.

A\N: If anyone else is missing Dorcas, I started a series of one-shots for this competition, called Lean on me. It will focus on Lisa and Dorcas' friendship throughout the years, in no specific chronological order, but will have some Marauders in there. The fourth one features the first time Lisa and Remus met. :)