Chapter 26

Getting Arados's story out of him had been worse than pulling teeth. Not because it was so difficult to hear, but because it was clearly so painful for him to manage. She probably wouldn't have tried if it wasn't so important she knew exactly what he had seen. After finishing with him, she made her way along the network of corridors to where she sensed Crovell. He was alone and staring moodily out of a window, whilst perched precariously on the windowsill in front of it. For a few moments she just stood in the doorway of the dimly lit little room and watched him. There was an air about him like none she'd ever known before; it was more than sorrow or guilt, it was a dark kind of wondering. As though suddenly all the chaos in his multiverse was making a strange kind of sense he wasn't comfortable with.

Gently she gave a cough to alert him to her presence, before taking a few cautious steps towards him.

'I couldn't get in that room,' Crovell didn't even turn to look at her. 'Not from lack of trying or anything like that. Something was keeping me out. Something powerful was keeping me out.'

'More powerful than you?'

For a few long moments Crovell was silent. Then he turned his gaze away from the window to meet squarely with hers.

'I will not concede you're more powerful than I am yet,' his voice was slow and careful, 'in fact I'm not even sure if you're as powerful as your reputation would have you be. But there is something about you, something which suggests a great deal of power is possible, you're just a lot further away from it than I am and will only reach it after I've peaked. So right now, if I were to face you in a sheer battle of wills, I would win.'

'Why are you so certain?'

'You might be resourceful. You might even be more skilled than I am. But right now you lack something I have.'

'And what's that?'

'I think you already know,' he turned his gaze away from her, 'and that's why I would be able to outdo you in a sheer battle of wills. But that force… that force last night… it was more than either of us could ever hope to be.'

'Did you tell Jo that?'

'No,' he shook his head, 'I didn't tell anybody. Until I heard Arados crying about it being his fault, I didn't even want to acknowledge I knew it. That force was... a lot more powerful than I am, in a truly terrifying way.'

A silence elapsed around them, sticking into her throat like a reel of pins. She knew with a certainty now there was only one person Crovell could be talking about, but she had hoped more than anything all mention of him could be avoided. It was so hard, even with all the evidence mounting up against him, she still didn't want to believe he was a bad person. How could she ever want to believe that?

'I don't understand how something so powerful could exist without anyone knowing about it,' Crovell interrupted her train of thoughts with his own, 'surely someone must have come across this force before. There must be something written about it. Or some rumours the Mistresses have heard.'

'Maybe there are,' she tried to abate him, 'or maybe the force has been good at concealing itself and has become powerful simply because it has been around so long.'

'It's not possible. It can't be possible for a force more powerful than the Mistresses to exist before I was born. Not without people knowing about it.'

'Maybe they're really, really good at concealing their power. Or maybe it didn't exist before you were born.'

'I don't believe that,' he jumped down from the window, his eyes staring at her like giant reflective saucers, 'and I don't think you do either. In fact I think you're certain this force was around before I was born. And what's more I think you know exactly how long this force has existed for.'

'What makes you think that?'

'Because you know everything.'

'You give me too much credit.'

'Do I now?'

'Yes,' she turned her gaze away from him, wishing beyond anything it was Right here and not her, 'nobody can possibly know everything about everything. That just wouldn't make sense.'

'But you don't make sense,' he sounded almost irrational. 'Nothing about you even starts to make sense. Like we still don't even know your name.'

'You don't need to know my name,' she shook her head, 'my name is irrelevant.'

'No its not, that's what doesn't make sense.'

'To you. To me it makes perfect sense.'

'You would say that,' he shook his head. 'You would say anything to justify your reasons for being the way you are. But I think the truth is you're just afraid to let us know anything about you. I think you're afraid of what we'll think of you if you give us any kind of truth.'

'What makes you think that?'

'It's written all over your face every time one of us asks you a question you don't want to answer,' he made his way towards her, each step he took forced her gaze up to meet with his. 'You're afraid of something about yourself. Or maybe you're just afraid of letting anyone see who you really are because you can't get close to people. Because you don't know how to get close to people.'

'I know how to get close to people,' she shook her head, 'I have friends, sis… people I care about.'

'You just don't think any of us are worth getting close to?'

'No,' she pulled herself past him towards the window.

'Then why won't you tell us your name?'

'Because it's not important.'

'Why not?'

For a few minutes she couldn't find any words to answer him with. Instead all she could do was shift uncomfortably.

'You don't trust us, is that it?'

'No,' she shook her head, glancing back towards him in order to meet his gaze, 'it's not that I don't trust you, it's that I'm not sure I know who I am anymore.'

'Really? Are you sure it's not just because we put you on edge?'

'No, it's not that. Why are you making random accusations?'

'Because it seems to be about the only way any of us can know anything about you. And I'm guessing it'll be the only way any of us will get to know anything about this new force threatening us.'

'You can't just assume things.'

'Why not,' he challenged her, 'it gets more of a reaction out of you than asking questions.'

'Fine then, I do know what this new threat is. I know all about it. Everything. Are you happy now?'

'No,' he shook his head, 'not really.'

'Why not?'

'Because you only told me in order to avoid telling me anything about yourself.'

'And that's not good enough for you?'

'And that's not good enough for me,' he folded his arms.

'I have to go now,' she turned herself back towards the window.

'Running away, are we?'

'Something like that, I guess,' she gritted her teeth, as she allowed her body to break into a thousand blue-purple butterflies. 'But I promise you, you'll get the answers you need, when you need them. And not before.'