I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT
I OWN 'CONSUMED WITH FIRE AND WATER'
*~~Consumed With Fire and Water~~*
*~~Alice~~*
Taking the time to try and get my mind off of the fact that Jasper was now gone for a week, I looked through my diary again my tears falling on the various weeks as I flipped past them one by one.
I hadn't taken any precautions since Edward took me over six weeks ago...Oh god, it was longer than six weeks...Oh I don't even know how long it has been...Hence why Edward impregnated me because I am clueless about EVERYTHING! – How could I have allowed Jasper to not have his own protection as well as me having mine for a back up?!!! I should have known what might happen because of having to empty my womb of Edward's baby....How could I have forgotten about it?
I have condoned it all...This is all my fault, the last pregnancy not being my fault but now – Jasper is so much better than Edward. The week I came home I needed him more than ever and both mine and Jazz's needs were more important than having to deal with consequences.
To top it all off...I have never had regular cycles so how the hell am I supposed to react when nothing comes when 'normally' it is estimated to?! Actually – of course, stupidly these consequences and situations never entered my mind when I was making love to my boyfriend....We had rarely done anything sexual, not an every-night thing and now we have to deal with the fact that I was being stupid.
The doctor told me, read the label before taking it – did I do that?
No...Just go with the flow, Alice....You need to feel your boyfriend – look where that flaming well got me!
There was no way I could abort another baby....The nightmares...The crying...The feeling of loss – never again!
"Alice?"
I kept my eyes on the diary....Jasper's voice....Why hadn't he gone? "I need to talk to you"
As he added the final statement...I peered up from the diary slowly and gazed into his eyes as a tear rolled down my face...He had already seen me crying – the chances to pretend were long-gone.
"I thought you'd gone" I choked out lamely.
"Tell me why you are crying, Alice?"
Jasper had a sternness to his voice which made me feel instantly sick..I lifted the front of my body slowly from the duvet using the strengths in my arms to do so and sat down on my bum folding my arms in my lap.
"I was missing you"
"Alice...Don't lie to me!"
"Why would I be lying to you?"
"Tell me what is on your mind...Right here, right now" Jasper was scaring me and I had no choice but to tell him the truth...Defeat surrounded me....It was now or never.
"Alright...The truth?"
"Please?"
"Okay...The truth is...I'm pregnant, Jazz"
I watched Jazz sit down on the bed his silence creating havoc in my self-loathing mind...This was torture...Not as I had originally planned, either.
"Please say something?"
"How...We haven't made love that many times, Alice and you ensured me that you were protected?"
"I thought I was...I'm sorry, Jazz...I know this is all my fault"
"Don't put the blame all on yourself, Alice...I have condoms...I should of had the sense to use them, anyway"
"Are you mad at me?"
"Well...I can't deny that I am surprised"
"I was going to tell you....Next week when you came back from your trip...This thing, I didn't want anything in your mind when you had to work"
"I just wish you'd have told me"
"I was scared"
"Scared?"
"After Edward's baby...Having to go through that without you...Being without you is not possible, Jasper and without you in my life. I can't breathe. I didn't want to lose you"
"The abortion is exactly why this kind of thing is scaring me....I wasn't there to support you through all of that, wrongly so...Now...God I don't know"
Jasper put his head in his hands...I crawled over to him and put my hand on his shoulder "Alex will be waiting for you downstairs"
"They have gone...Saying that I have an hour before we all hit the road...If I am not waiting outside here for them in an hour, they will go without me"
"Were they mad?"
"Alice...I don't care about them as much as I care about you....Tell me, tell me what you are thinking?"
"Remember when I came back into my hospital room from having my termination?"
"Yes"
"Do you remember me saying that...All I want someday is your children?"
"Yes"
"I still want to keep that promise – but if it means having to lose you...Then I'd rather have you"
Jasper stood up from the bed and starting pacing around...his breathing was heavy and shaky causing alarm bells to ring in my head...I wanted so much to reach out to him but he seemed so beyond wanting help from anyone right now...Especially not me.
In the silence I turned my head to my diary sitting open on the bed – How was anything I had written right?!
I ripped up the pages in my hands and threw the empty front and back cover across the room letting out some much needed tension tears...I threw my body back onto the duvet placing both my hands on my stomach trying to take away the sadness of mine and Jazz's silence by breathing in and out slowly.
"I'm sorry...I just, I don't know what to say"
"There's no need to make me feel any better...I feel about as worse as I could ever do"
"It's not you I'm upset with, Alice...It's myself"
"What did you do?"
"I allowed this to happen...After seeing you go through your last pregnancy"
"Jazz, there is no way that you can turn this onto yourself...At least with this baby – I knew what I was doing-" I stopped and sat back up. "All I wanted was you, if that can be deemed as an excuse. I have never regretted any of my actions with you and in my heart, I still don't. But my head...Has a mind of it's own"
"Alice...I wanted you, too...I'll admit that it never once crossed my mind that we would both have to deal with something like this – not until a good few years from now, anyway"
"I have never been normal – this was fate"
"Fate was also my musical dream of playing on stage for millions of people"
"One path worked out, then"
"I want to say so much more...But of course, the two of us make up this relationship"
"Well you can answer me one question"
"Of course what is it?"
"Will you break up with me?"
Jasper sat back down on the bed and studied my face for a second...All I could do was keep my eyes on his in the silence once more.
"No"
"No?"
"Why would you even think about something like that my love?"
"I blamed myself...Leaving me after my being so reckless...I'd understand"
"Stop talking like that...I am too shocked right now to form my real feelings but there is no chance in hell that I would ever leave you, Alice"
"Really?"
"I mean what I said....You're my world and the two of us have a future together...Do you want to throw that all away?"
"No of course not...The mere thought of it breaks my heart little by little"
"I am not going anywhere"
"So...What are we going to do?"
"This is going to be about you.....What are you thinking my sparrow?"
"Jazz...I need to be honest. Another abortion...No" I shook my head slowly "it was too much the first time and that baby wasn't even yours"
"You have decided you want to keep it?"
"I haven't had time to make a definite decision on anything...My mind...I'm so confused....Jasper...Hold me?"
Jasper held out his arms and I sunk into him grabbing onto his shirt with both of my hands "Promise me you won't go anywhere?" I choked out through tears.
"I love you, Alice...No matter how much this situation throws us all out of the water...Nothing will ever change my love for you...It breaks my heart to think that my leaving would cross your mind"
"I'm sorry...I am just such a mess"
"I know, honey...I know you are"
"I love you, Jasper...I love you so much!"
"Alice...Listen to me, in the hospital seeing you lying in your bed helpless and suffering it made me realise that there is no one else in my life that is worth as much as you...Do you not know my feelings for you at all...How my feelings have always been?"
"Tell me....Tell me about that night brought me home from the woods – the start of all of this?"
"I have already told you, baby"
"Please tell me again?"
"Another long and dreary day working at the pub took it's toll on me..Anne Dormer, my ex girlfriend and I spent the closing hours conversing...Well not so much conversing...But arguing about how much sex I hadn't had up until that point. Anne was the last person I had ever been intimate with and the loneliness of living here in Oakton all by myself was becoming a reoccurring pain that I wasn't able to shift....I couldn't take it anymore...The tension between us and the awkwardness she was feeling when she realised and registered the home truth in her mind...So I stormed out and walked home."
"The woods have always been a dreary place and I, was too insistent on being home in the comforts of my own house again to want to take the longer route through the neighbourhoods...I took out my flashlight and trudged through the mud and the coldness to get to here. I was stopped when something...A colour of skin-tone caught the edge of the flashlight and upon closer inspection being weary that I was sinking in the mud at the same time. A woman's arm appeared through the spectrum of the light making me gasp...Never before in my life had I seen a body...At least not a dead one and being in the woods with the hair standing up on the back of my neck did not welcome the new experience either....Turning onto automatic pilot...I felt for a pulse, there was one but it was faint and this woman was definitely unconscious. With all the strength I had...I brought her home and lay her down on my sofa bed covering her up with the blankets as I got changed upstairs."
"Was this woman...Pretty?"
"Oh she was stunning..Even with her eyes closed, I named her 'beauty' because there was no way this young woman was going to be going by 'her' or 'she'...There was something about her. A switch clicked on in my mind where I knew no matter how much she may or may not want to receive it – I had to help her. I had a duty of care to her, to see her recover and hopefully wake up. Crossing the bridge of introduction when it came to the present"
"What happened?" I played along with the story...Pretending like this was the first time I had ever heard it – Jasper and I needed some kind of distraction right now.
"I cleaned up her wounds and made sure she was in the most comfortable position as possible because then, I had no clue about how long she was going to be staying with me on my sofa bed...That is, if she ever woke up. But, much to my surprise she DID wake up a couple of days later...After two endless long nights of no sleep and constant worry that she was going to wake up in the middle of the night, panic and give herself unnecessary stress as a result."
"How did she take her new home?"
"Not as well as I had originally hoped...My beauty panicked and became convinced that I had kidnapped her – in her delirium there was never a moment where she became unattractive to me...Even when she was trying her hardest to run away from me"
"She was running away?"
"Not so much running away but trying to escape but I was still determined to explain to her that I wanted to help her and eventually I did. Upon succeeding that task I learnt that she was a drug addict...The only way to really help her was to make her quit the habit which she had become so dependent on. Otherwise she was going to have to go back to where she came from because I lacked the money to afford to keep her habit but out of morals...She was a danger to herself if she carried on the habit"
"What did she do?"
"My beauty gave it up...After the two of us making a deal that when she fully recovered we would both make love to each other as a prize for seeing the task through"
"Wow...You must have been fast friends?"
"That's the strange thing...We were never just 'friends'...In the beginning it was more like friends with benefits, we'd pleasure each other when we wanted to"
"Sounds like a good friendship"
"Every time I pleasured her and saw what I could do to her and her body made me fall more and more in love with her and by the time we started to go out on dates and parties together and she had met my sister and her fiancé...I was hooked. Smitten to the depths of my soul and I ached to tell her how I felt about her. One night, we were both at a party and watching her mingle and speak with new people was too much for me to take so...I ran out, trying to find something in my mind to make me believe that she liked me the same in return. Up to this point we had both come so far and I refused to lose her, if it meant telling her how I really felt. Before I knew it, she had come into the woods to talk to me about what was wrong"
"What did you say?"
"I told her that she had bigger problems and that we should go back to the party but she became insistent that I tell her what was bothering me"
"Did you tell her?"
"I had to tell her that I was in love with her, her silence after my revelation was the most deepest form of torture imaginable...I ached for her to return my feelings..I wanted her so much, that every part of my body ached for her...Needed to be with her"
"Did she say anything?"
"To my delight...She told me she loved me, too...Confessing that she wanted to have a relationship with me that was similar to that of my sister's with Paulie"
"The two of you went back to the party?"
"No...We came home and made love to each other and to this day that remains the best night of my life..I finally worshipped her, letting out my feelings – giving myself to her like I had so longed to do. Then, after all of that...She became 'my sparrow' my soul mate"
I lifted my head off of Jasper's chest and gazed up at him...Tears hastily falling down his cheeks from his eyes...I took his face in my hands.
"Jasper, baby, don't cry...Please don't cry!" I pleaded in a whisper leaning my forehead on his.
"The love of my life...She became everything to me – she still is"
"Oh..Jasper, I adore you.....Do you want this baby?"
Jasper took his head away from mine gazing into my eyes. "Yes"
Gasping uncontrollably I ran my fingers through his hair bringing my hands up from off of his cheeks. "Do you want this baby, Alice?"
"Yes...I meant what I said...I want your babies, Jasper...I am just sorry that this has all been so unexpected"
"Don't look back now...I couldn't say it before, but I can now"
"What's that?"
"For the first time in my life...I am completely whole...I never thought I could love you anymore than I already do but right now...Knowing that we are going to have a baby together makes this whole new life closer and closer within our reach. Alice, I don't care about the things that you believe you have done wrong – we have a new reason to spend the rest of our lives together, now...We have our baby"
"I was so scared...Scared of losing you"
"My sparrow...Forever and always...Between the rough and the smooth...You will be mine, you have always belonged to me and I will spend the rest of my life making that known to you"
"I doubted you...I am so sorry"
"No apologies"
"I want you to go on that trip, Jazz"
"Alice there is no-"
"Stop....I can sleep knowing that you want to have a family with me...I want you to do this. Would I be sitting here pushing you if I didn't?"
"Sweetheart-"
"I have never been more sure about this...Destiny is waiting for you to grab with both hands my love...Just know that there will be two of us waiting for you when you get home"
"Alice...I love you"
"I love you, too" Jasper connecting our mouths pushing me back onto the duvet his shadow hovering over me...The feel of his hips on mine...I wrapped my arms around him pushing him closer onto me...Needing to feel him on me.
Both of us moved our mouths with intent and urgency...Everything that had just gone down between us now resolved with the touch of our mouths.
No more words..Only actions.
Abruptly leaving my lips, Jasper moved down pulling the hem of my top upwards and revealing my bare tummy to him..I let out a laugh as I watched him stroke my stomach gently with his hands the tingles following closely with every movement of his fingertips on my skin.
"I love you too, my baby...Unconditionally...Be strong, be strong for us" he hummed kissing the centre of my tummy and around the outside of my belly button.
I was amazed by him....More so than before and in the entire time we had been together.
"I can't believe I am going to be a dad!" he exclaimed his tears falling onto my tummy.
"You're going to be the best father in the world" I replied honesty as he pulled my top back down again and crawled back up to me.
"There's no need to be afraid or scared anymore...You will always have me...Now, you are going to give me the most beautiful baby in the world that any man would be lucky to call their own...I hope that the baby, whatever the sex is turns out to be exactly as stunning and amazing as it's mother"
I choked back on the tears and enveloped my lips around his.
My Jasper!
Thanks for Reading!
.S.
xoxoxoxoxox