Title: Leaving

Author: SneetchesToo

Rating: Teen

Pairing: Ethan/Rox

Summary: Rox knows that she and Ethan need to talk. She just hopes that it won't destroy their relationship once and for all.

Author's Note: More mentions to Rox's tragic past.

—

Rox had been more than shocked at how guilty Ethan had seemed when he had found her on the back deck earlier that evening.

She didn't understand why he felt bad.

He hadn't done anything that she hadn't wanted him to do.

And yet, he seemed to be panicking at the simple thought that he had gone too far.

He felt like he had used her and she hated it.

She didn't want him to think that she wasn't capable of doing this.

She was more than capable of a physical relationship.

In fact, that's what she was good at.

It was the emotional and mental relationships that she struggled with.

It was the investing deeper and the heartfelt bonding that she didn't know how to do.

She wanted to try though.

My God how badly she wanted to try.

"You still awake over there?" Ethan's voice was barely a whisper and she felt her eyes blinking back sleep as she turned to face him.

They had retreated back to the bed after making out on the deck for a good twenty minutes.

Ethan had lowered her back against the pillows and once again done things to her body that should have been outlawed.

They had finally settled down about an hour ago and she had been trying desperately to fall asleep since.

"Yeah." She watched as he reached his arm out toward her, brushing her hair back from her face as he offered her a soft smile.

"You getting hungry?" She hadn't even thought about food until he made that comment.

But then her stomach was growling and she was all of a sudden starving.

"Getting there." She whispered.

She hoped that he hadn't heard her stomach's plea for food.

That would be more embarrassing than she could handle.

"I'll go cook." He leaned down and dropped a kiss to her head then, his lips lingering against her hair before he pulled away. "You try and rest."

She got ready to protest his leaving, but he was gone before she could say anything.

She let out a sigh as she flopped back against the pillows. Her eyes were wide as she stared at the ceiling above her.

She couldn't believe she was here. With Ethan. After all this time.

After everything they had been through she still had a hard time grasping that he wanted to be with her.

She was broken. Damaged goods. Trouble if there ever was any.

And yet. He couldn't seem to get enough of her.

Not that she could get enough of him either.

Letting out a huff she slowly pushed her way into a sitting position.

They needed to talk.

And they needed to do it now.

—

Rox had tried her best to talk Ethan while he cooked dinner, but she had failed.

Miserably.

There was something about watching him cook that made her insides tingle.

Something about the perfect image of domesticity that he displayed.

Standing there with his jeans hanging low on his hips and his chest bare.

She would never get tired of the image that was being painted in front of her.

However, it served as nothing but a distraction and it was killing her.

She had so much that she wanted to say to him.

So much that needed to be said.

But she couldn't make her voice work.

Not with the way he was staring back at her with soft eyes as he asked her how she wanted her potatoes. Boiled or mashed? Such a question had never been so hard to answer in her entire life.

—

They had eaten in a comfortable silence and she had been thankful that he had at least thrown on a shirt for their meal.

Lord knows she wouldn't have eaten anything if his bare chest had been staring back her.

He had cleared the dishes and washed them quietly while she headed off for a shower.

She was surprised that he hadn't tried to join her.

But she was also very thankful for the chance to be alone.

She knew she needed to gather her thoughts. To put together what it was that she wanted to say to him.

When she finally emerged from the shower almost thirty minutes later he was reclined back on the couch in the living room. The TV was off and he had a book in his hands. She couldn't remember having ever seen Ethan read a book before.

Not that she doubted that he read.

She had seen the impressive collection of novels and history books on his bookshelf at home.

And she knew without a shadow of a doubt that he was smart.

But to actually see him pick up a book and read it.

It blew her mind.

"I'm done if you want to shower." She didn't know why she was telling him that. He wasn't stupid. He could clearly see that she was done and that the room was now free.

"I'm good." He offered her a soft smile over the top of his book, his eyes twinkling in the low light of the room. "I took a quick one before I made dinner."

"Right…" She knew that. She knew that he had already showered. And yet, here she was, making a fool of herself to him.

"Wanna watch a movie or something?" She could tell that he sensed her nervousness and that he was trying his best to offer some support. "Pretty sure there's a football game on too."

How he knew that she liked football she would never understand.

She had never told him that tidbit of information before.

And as far as she knew, she had never worn anything remotely football related around him.

"Football's always good." She whispered.

He offered her a wide smile as he laid his book to the side, his hand reaching for the remote as he gestured for her to join him on the couch.

She took her time moving toward him, her heart racing in her chest at the prospect of doing something other than sex with him.

She didn't know how to handle the 'dating' thing. Sex, she understood. Dating, not so much.

"Any particular game you care for?" She shook her head back and forth at his question.

She didn't care at the moment which game they watched. She just wanted something to distract her from how delicious he looked lounging on the couch in flannel pants and a hoodie.

"Okay. St. Louis it is then." He dropped the remote on the table next to his book and he moved to wrap his arm around her shoulders.

She didn't know why the prospect of snuggling with him was all of a sudden terrifying.

But it was.

She felt like now that they had crossed that line, now that they had finally had sex, that she couldn't go back.

That's how it had always been in the past.

"Rox?" He squeezed her shoulders tightly as he turned to face her and she took a deep breath. "You okay?"

She didn't know how to respond so she simply shrugged her shoulders.

She wasn't okay. Not even close.

But she didn't know how to tell him that without upsetting him.

"You're upset?" The worried look in his eyes made her panic.

"I wouldn't say that upset is the right word." She didn't want him to think that she was feeling upset or angry toward him. Because she wasn't. She was just… confused.

"Ooookay." He turned his attention back toward the game and she could tell that he was struggling to get his thoughts together just like she was.

"I'm sorry Ethan." She whispered her apology as she let her head fall to his shoulder. "I warned you this would happen."

"Warned me that what would happen?" He turned his attention back toward her but she avoided his eyes.

"I don't do this." She gestured between them like a mad woman. She could feel her blood pressure starting to rise. "Relationships. All this? I don't do this. And with good reason."

"There can't possibly be a reason that's going to make any sense to me." She could tell that he was getting frustrated and that was the last thing that she wanted.

"I just… don't." She closed her eyes as she leaned back against the couch cushions.

She tried to put some distance between them.

"I don't understand Rox." She didn't either and that was making it more and more difficult. "Things were fine earlier."

"Yeah. They were." She huffed out. She opened her eyes and locked them with his. "When we were having sex. I'm good at that part. That part I know how to do."

"You do it very well I might add." He winked her as he smiled and she rolled her eyes. This wasn't the time for jokes.

"Ethan please…" She wanted him to have a serious conversation with her for once. "You don't understand."

"You're right Rox, I don't understand." He ran a hand through his hair as he let out a sigh and she thought he looked downright adorable, despite the pained look on his face. "Explain it to me. Please."

"I…" She felt a sob wrack through her body and she just wanted to run away. "I don't know how."

"Don't know how to what? To explain it to me?" He locked his eyes with hers as he reached for her. He was desperate to get her back in his arms, that much she could tell.

"I don't know how to do… this." She gestured between them once more and he let out another sigh.

"What is there to know Rox? It's not that hard." He tugged her forward, pulling her into his lap as he stretched his legs out onto the table. He had her trapped in his arms and there was nowhere for her to go. Nowhere for her to put her attention but on him. He was a sneaky bastard, that's for sure.

"It is hard Ethan." She swallowed as she fought off another sob.

She didn't know how to do this. She didn't know how to keep up, how to treat him when they weren't naked in bed together.

"I don't know how to make you happy." She sobbed out. She let her head fall to his chest as she felt what little resolve she had left in her crumble.

She hated feeling so weak.

She hated feeling so broken.

Being vulnerable was definitely not something she wanted to be in front of him.

"Rox, look at me." He tried to get her to pull back. To look at him and to talk to him. But she couldn't do it.

Instead, she wrapped her arms around his neck as tight as possible and she clung to him while she fell apart in his arms.

All the stress from the past few weeks was finally catching up to her.

All the exhaustion and the pain. All the emotions. They were finally coming to the surface and she suddenly felt like she was drowning.

"Roxy, baby." He tried to push her back once more but she shook her head against his shoulder.

She didn't want to look at him right now.

She didn't want to see what was surely going to be disappointment in his eyes.

She wasn't prepared for that kind of heartbreak.

"Do you wanna go lay down?" His question was whispered and she could feel his hands tangling in her hair as he did his best to hold her close.

She couldn't form words so she nodded her head 'yes' instead.

She just wanted to sleep.

"Do you want me to come with you?" His next question shocked her.

He was giving her an option.

No man had ever done that for her before.

Letting out another sob she clung to him tighter, her fingers getting lost in the hair at the back of his neck as she buried her face against his neck.

She needed him by her side more than she had ever needed anything.

"I'll take that as a 'yes'." He whispered against her hair.

She felt him press a gentle kiss to her ear before he was pushing himself into a standing position. He kept a tight grip on her though and he carried her to the bedroom slowly.

Once he had deposited her on the bed he moved back out of the room.

She heard him moving around in the living room. The sound of TV cutting off and the doors being checked. Then he was in the bathroom and the toilet flushed and the sink turned on for a brief second.

And then there was silence.

She figured he had probably decided not to join her.

That she wasn't worth the time and effort.

Rolling onto her right side she clung to the blankets around her as she let another wave of tears fall against the pillow.

She had never felt so alone in her entire life.

But then the bed was dipping and a warm arm was wrapping around her waist and she felt her heart stop in her chest.

He hadn't left her.

No, instead he had crawled into bed with her and was currently holding her tight.

"Try and sleep baby." He pressed a kiss to the nape of her neck as he buried his face against her hair, his arm tightening around her waist as he nudged a leg between hers. "I'll be here when you wake up."

She nodded her head as she did her best to calm herself.

He wasn't going to leave her.

Not tonight. And probably not tomorrow. And maybe even not this week.

She didn't know what to do with that feeling. It certainly was a foreign one.

She didn't know if it scared her or excited her more.

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