Derpédex Chapter 26: Chesnaught

Because I was going to do this one eventually, and people have come up to me in public and demanded it while putting knives to my throat. People kind of suck, you know? I tried explaining that I was planning on doing it eventually, and they just kept that blade pressed firmly against my throat, so I shot them.

You think your weekend was bad? Buddy, you don't even know.

Have you ever been walking along a path, saying to yourself, "Goddamn, I'm pretty hungry. You know what would hit the spot? A nut. Preferably of the chest variety. And preferably about 5 feet tall, with a face, and massive spikes on its back, so I can talk to it and not be lonely anymore." And then everybody laughed at you because you said it out loud in the middle of math class, and then you noticed your pants were around your ankles, and then you woke up, and then you noticed the gigantic killer nut in your bed next to you, asking if it was as good for you as it was for it.

Don't lie, you know it was.

Now, has that situation ever happened to anyone? …Maybe. I designed it to be hypothetical, but I know that at least one of you is currently jumping up and down, pointing at the screen and yelling for mom to come take a picture, that way it will last longer. Enjoy your 15 minutes buddeh, because then it's back to the cold, crushing isolation of anonymity. Unfortunately for the rest of us, the description given of the gigantic killer chestnut still rings true, probably because we're talking about chesnaught this time. And don't even try and argue with me, because I'm right. My online diploma says so. Also, because chesnaught clearly looks like Godzilla cut a hole in a chestnut and fucked it. I can't accurately describe the sensation, but I can only imagine that it somewhat resembles the sensation of putting your dick in a Cheerio, while several thousand Japanese people run around in circles below you, always moving their mouths as if they were talking even though no words are coming out. Also, it being Japan, about 3/4 of them are taking extreme close-ups and posting them on the Internet so people can jerk off to it later, but that's hardly worth being mentioned, since pretty much everything in Japan is subject to the same fate.

You ever watch Ed, Edd, n Eddy? Of course you have, because you're a cool guy, and cool guys aren't cool unless they watched it. I could use a gender-neutral term, but fuck it, the kids love it. You heard it here first; the 'Dex cares about the children more than anything. Damn kids. Now, where were we? Ah yes, the TV show. Anyway, since you're a cool guy, you already know that Ed has no neck. Well, guess what else has no neck? Chesnaught…well, maybe. I don't know. They gave me one picture to base the entire description for it on, so I could be wrong. Usually they give me a folder of 5 or 6, but our interns spent the photo money on crack, and were then eaten by a roaming pack of lawyers, so we only have the one picture. And in that picture, it just so happens that Chesnaught does not have a neck. It has a shell, but then its head just kind of sticks out of it at a weird angle. Try to imagine, if you will, a life without your neck. Now try to imagine the same thing, but without the inevitability that you will not be able to live any more, since everything that was supposed to be inside your neck has now been pressed inside your brain stem, and is making you die a very painful death. That's what chesnaught goes through, except without the whole "dying" part.

Don't try and eat it. It doesn't taste like chestnuts, and whoever told you it does it lying super hard. They are telling you a metal-coated lie that is wearing a cape and flying around. This is how we lost the first group of interns, except it was totally worth it, because it was pretty damn funny, even after the lawsuit that reduced the "we" down to an "I". Did I ever tell you that I'm so alone? This is fucking awful. I live here with a bunch of high-maintenance animals with superpowers, most of which want to kill me, and I make no money. By the way, we're selling some T-shirts, so check it out. We couldn't afford cotton or wool, so they're made out of sawdust and masking tape. Give one to someone you want to divorce, or something.

The spines are just for show. I'm not just saying that. The spines don't do jack shit. Go up, break one off, pick your teeth with it a bit, store it in your ass if you want, who the fuck cares? It won't hurt you. It's like using a Nerf baseball bat, except much softer. Of course, this only applies to the spines. The rest of the chesnaught is still very deadly, and is now very pissed that part of its body is now several inches deep inside of your anus. I would tell you to get the fuck out of there, but you just put a potentially sharp object into your anus, so any potentially helpful advice would most likely be lost on you. Dumbass.

This thing is like a motherfucking tank, or Ozzy Osbourne's career. Whatever you throw at it is either going to come right back at you, or is going to do absolutely fuck all against its defenses. I've personally witnessed one flip over a 50 ton tank and take several grenade explosions. But enough about Ozzy. As for chesnaught, it's about as durable as that. The good news is that, like everything, chesnaught has its limits, and these limits come in the form of the A-10's GAU-8 Avenger Gatling Gun. No matter what you are, you can't stand up to 30mm of fuck you travelling at 3,250 feet per second and firing 4,200 rounds per minute. Where other things look at a wall, cry, and go home, the GAU-8 says, "what wall?" and then, with a cry of BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT, lets loose its deadly payload at it, leaving what amounts to a stain on the ground.

I am no longer allowed to own a chesnaught. I can't imagine why.