Another chapter at last. Took longer than I expected. And when I came on today somebody who doesn't even have an account flamed me, but I found it really funny! Well first off, what other 'crap'? And then they had review twice cause they're retarded, and if this is such 'crap' why did you read the whole thing??? Well anyways, that made my day. I might post again tomorrow if I have time, considering I have like the next three chapters written on loose leaf... just haven't had time to put them on the computer.
The Pantless Freak
"So what do you think of this pose, Leanne?" said Tibarn in his Phoenicis Castle, flexing his muscles repeatedly.
"lahfldahfoawelsd vsljf vldhao"
"Yes, it is a shame I worked so hard in the gym and can't even fight like this."
"slfaeorw aldjasblyroweujl jvld"
"Yes, I do wonder why you talk in your language and I in mine."
"lahfwoey acnkjb hwieurwnh d"
"Oh? You want to see me flex some more? OHH! How could I not resist!"
"You can understand what she's saying, can't you, Tibarn?" said Lotz, the substitute assistant to Tibarn.
"Well OF COURSE I can! Damn you laguz slaves! You're even worse than that thing with an ugly nose!"
Well actually Tibarn can NOT understand Leanne, but just pretends he can. For the most part, Leanne is begging to get fed or go outside.
"This letter came for you, Tibarn!"
"Did it now? Well it must be-"
But then the letter exploded in Tibarn's face.
"…Damn those letter bombs… whoever created these deserves to whipped in the ass until their nose bleeds!...Well knowing me, which I do, that letter was from Reyson begging for help from me! Well let's get a move on! Come Leanne, you must pack your things!... whatever the hell there is to pack, all you wear is that white… thing…"
"worirednhlk vslha fekrh"
"Oh yes, you never got to see me flex, let me just change into something more comfortable…… and by that I mean a different necklace!"
Leanne sighed and got Lotz to help her stuff some stuff into a suitcase.
"…Um… I have absolutely NO damn idea what the hell you are saying!... But I'll give it a shot anyways! What should I do?"
"roweyrh volslruweohknd"
"Um… put that in the case?"
"kwyrewo rofdnkfd hwsiorfs"
"…I'm putting… in the case…"
"salryhwoe khkshfeigh trndk"
"Um…… NOT in the case?..."
"WEKLYV KEDHNIFIESBFGVDU GHBIERBFISFB SDUYGVIW EYUISGFWEUIDYGEGTRF8UI!"
"…Okay… so I-BUAAAH!" and Lotz was stabbed from the Black Knight's impatience, while Leanne screamed uncontrollably.
"…What a bitch… NOW! Stop that screaming if you want to live… oh wait… I can't kill her no matter what… so… I hope she doesn't understand me!"
She did, and continued to scream. The Black Knight struggled to pull her through the portal, which took several minutes. It was… quite a sad sight… considering how powerful The Black Knight is, and how horribly terrible Leanne was; just the feint gust of wind from him moving his hand at her caused severe injuries. So eventually he prevailed, and a second too late, Tibarn rushed in.
"What the hell happened here?!?!"
"Guaaah… Knight… in Black Armor…"
"CURSE YOU, DAEIN! YOU MADE ME LOOK BAD! ME!!! I SHALL SEEK MY REVENGE!!! JUST YOU WAIT!!!"
So Tibarn jumped out the window and transformed to his hawk form, and as he flew he took a ridiculously big dump on a fellow hawk citizen. He died on direct contact; trapped in Pompeii… of crap…
…
The following morning the stalker merchants had received a new order of goods from no one knows where. Receiving barrel after barrel of silver ores, they hacked and melted them onto all the weapons, and sold for ridiculously high prices. Of course… the fact that it was ridiculously expensive triggered something in the entire army, and they all spent their money on as many as they could hold.
"Fools, you're all fools!" cried Soren, stopping the madness and holding the lineup, "can you not see that silver is NOT a metal for weaponry? It's so weak and brittle it would never work! And think of the funds, how are we to buy food and w-"
"Silence! You shall not mock the silver lance!" shouted Geoffrey, who took his lance and poked at Soren until he hid and hissed in a nearby corner.
But before some epic battle of honor and screaming occurred in the base, Ike ran down the mountainside! He was completely exhausted, and his face was grape purple.
"What the hell did you do?" asked Zihark
Ike caught his breath and began, "I ran back to Gallia to get Ragnell cause I left it at the scene where my father died."
"…You RAN… all the way to Gallia and back… just for a sword?!"
"HEY! You won't mock the sword! It's gold and shiny and looks like it's made of waxed cheese!"
"…well where is it?"
"……oh crap…"
Just then a man with a goatee and axe proudly walked into the camp.
"Hey there, little man!" he said with a growl in his tone
"Good Lord!" shouted Ike, "Why aren't you wearing any pants!?!?"
"Buwahaha! When you are one with nature, you can wear whatever you want."
Ironically, he wore a bearskin hood and jacket.
"Anyways, the name's Largo, wo-"
"HAHAHAAHAHAH! YOU SAID.. YOU SAID… HAHAHAHHAAHAH! LAR-D-O! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!"
"…It's not that fu-"
"HAHAHAAHAHAH! HEY BROM, COME OVER HERE!"
Brom waddled down over to see what the hussle was about.
"Hahahaha… ahahah… ha… Brom… this.. hahah… is… Lardo…"
Brom burst into even worse laughter than Ike, spitting all over the place, and his milk from that morning came out of his nose. Devdan stopped by the laughter, and upon hearing 'Lardo' his afro had a seizure and attacked people at random.
"…A-a-anyways, I'm a world class beserker. Watch me bend this lance! GRRRRRRR!"
"Hmm… I wonder how beserk you would be if you touched the medallion at the same-… WAIT HOLD ON THAT'S NOT A LANCE!"
Lardo was actually bending Calill, and ended up snapping her spine into several pieces.
"Oh hey, Calill. Looking hot; almost as hot as me! Buwahahah!"
Ike vomited at the comment, as would anyone.
"You should hire him, he's a world class beserker!"
"Yeah so I heard," Said Ike
"Oh so you ARE the general. Boy, do I feel like the biggest fool around."
"YEAH LIKE HELL YOU SHOULD!" shouted Boyd
So from that point on Largo's name was forever tainted. He was also forced to wear a towel in battle from the shame. So after the group was set, the army ventured on, to climb the mountain!
…
"I just got word that King Gallia is waiting on the other side of the mountain!" said Ranulf
"But look up there!" cried Boyd, pointing to the top
"How could that be? How did those get up there! Do they plan to push those boulders down on us!??"
"…What boulders? I'm talking about the clouds!!!"
One went in front of the sun.
"AAAAAAAH! HAVE MERCY ON ME! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"
For the most part everyone didn't listen to Boyd, but Rolf continuously screamed like a girl as he marched.
"Ike, I think it's best that we go around the mountain to avoid casualties" said Soren
"Why would we do that? We're almost at the top!"
"But the bottom is right down there! It's like four stories! We can follow the river just to the other side not too far!" Soren continued to point down, and everyone ignorantly stared at him.
"…God damn it, Soren. We are NOT stepping in water!"
"Yeah, Mist is afraid rancid fish will bite her!"
"And I don't want my armor to rust!" squealed Gatrie
So by majority vote, they all continued to march on! But of course Daein had quite an advantage, and used it to the best of their ability. One by one they head smacked boulders down the mountain side. Everyone's legs gave out, and were immobilized to move! All they could do was scream as giant rocks fell down and crushed the Daein soldiers stupid enough to be in the path one by one. Soon enough it came upon the Crimeans; Boyd continued to scream pathetically, but the boulder did not crush him, instead dematerialized through him. But beyond that, some magical force punched him in the head, just like everyone else. The damage was enough for a simple corrosive vulnerary, and soon the boulders were all gone and everyone charged ahead. Largo stood out like a purple nail, for as being a beserker, he was actually quite scary. For one, he held a giant axe above his head, screamed "LARGO MAAAAAD!" and charged at Daein soldiers, crushing their bodies or hacking in half. Some foolishly hid behind ballistas or remaining boulders, but Largo swung in repeated circles and threw his axes with such might they went through the mountain, still striking his targets, and exploded.
But even with a partially insane guy on their team, the crazy rebel teen captain flew atop the mountain side with an axe connected to batteries. With a simple strike, electricity jolted through his foes, making him a tough match.
The flying units shot straight up and took him on directly. Janaff and Ulki caused a distraction, but were intended on striking down the ballistas. The Pegasus knights annoyingly struck in circles at the wyvern rider, until he pulled his secret weapon; crack. He inhaled and went completely insane, hacking at Haar, and the shock in his bladder caused him to automatically wet himself. Jill and the weirdo sparred like two crazy high teenagers, and the man was superior! But then… Largo stood in his presence. A battle commenced of two psychos, and they both screamed and charged their weapons! The screaming got louder, the charging more immense! Soon Largo jumped in the air, the teens axe glowed vigorously! But then the teen on dope, he forgot what they were fighting about, and got turned into a blood fountain!
…
"So once we climb this last hill, we'll be able to climb down, right?"
"Well you're the one who already did thi-… Ike why did you change your clothes?"
Ike looked down and noticed he was wearing his sweaty, poor ranger outfit.
"Um… I really don't know… must be laundry day or something."
"Up there." Said the princess
"MUAHAHAHAH! Eat rocks, bitch!"
"Oh wow! That is SO clever! I'm writing it down." said Ike
"I know! Ain't it?"
"OOOH YEAAAAH!" they both said simultaneously
So atop the cliff stood five Daein soldiers with three rocks, and as they prepared to smack their heads into the rocks, Tibarn screeched across the sky, and struck all five at once! The many deaths at once caused Ranulf to lose balance! So while Tibarn flew down to meet everyone, he crushed Ike, then transformed.
"TIBARN! You came because of my letter for help!" squealed Reyson
"So that explains it all now does it now, huh, eh, now eh?... Huh?"
"Um… actually I came by other reasons. Leanne, your s- oh I'm sorry Reyson. See, you and Leanne are both so girly I sometimes get you two confused. No offense."
"None taken!"
"Now, Reyson… your sister was captured by Daein soldiers. I fought valiantly and true… but I was preparing for a model premiere… no I mean a war counsil- KILLING SPREE! I WAS PREPARING FOR A KILLING SPREE AND WAS DISTRACTED!"
"Curse you, Daein!" cried Reyson, but his inability to lift his arms above his shoulder height made it seem less dramatic.
…
"Princess Elincia, it is good to see you again" said Caineghis at his laguz camp.
While she just drooled and spat on herself, the rest of the troops made theirselves at home… to a more literal taking.
"IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU, TOO, MY LORD!" screamed Lethe
"…Who the hell are you? GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SIGHT!"
"AT ONCE, MY LORD!"
Lethe and Mordecai ran out the room, but Muriam wasn't used to Gallian tradition.
"You too, slave!"
"…Slav- AAAAAAAAAH!" so for his lack of responding in shouting, he was struck with several electric prods until he bled and cried. He was tied up and hauled to another room.
"…Mommy?" Tormod asked
"…Well I assume everyone here was at the heart of the last battle" stated Tibarn
"Yes, quite so" answered Ike
"Hey wait a minute!" shouted Boyd, "we did all the fighting… well I mean I did all the fighting. How come I'm not in this meeting?"
"Because nobody loves you."
"Well what about Titania! She didn't even fight!"
Titania fingered him, because that's all she CAN do. Ike stood up to deal with the problem, when Caineghis stuck his hand out.
"Let me handle this, Ike. Me and your father loved to do this. GET THE SLAVE!"
So a bunch of Gallians pulled out a cannon, and Muriam was tied up inside.
"I'm giving you all to the count of one to get out of my sight! ONE!"
And so Muriam was launched straight through the mob and camp in a fiery blaze! Tents burst through, tables and stands were knocked over, people screamed through the chaos as dozens died in the catastrophy!
"…Well if we can JUST get on with this meeting, that'd be great!" said Ike
"Well SURELY the kid and … the ugly thing weren't at the heart of the battle" Tibarn simply stated
"KID?!?" Soren angrily asked
"…You better damn well be talking about Mist…" Oscar threatened.
"Well the kid is my brains, and… I don't know why the ugly thing is here. SOREN! GET IN THE CANNON!"
Oscar knew what was coming so he leapt off his horse and crawled out the tent in record speed.
"…NOW! Before we get this meeting started, I have a story I'd like to share with everyone. But instead of saying it in words, which are really out of date these days, I shall show you… THROUGH INTERPERATED DANCING!"
So Ike danced the many scenes of the stories of his father, his mother's funny death, Ashnard's true intentions, and the medallion. Amazingly, everyone understood it exactly. It only took a couple seconds.
"…And that's everything I know."
"…Well that is really something!" said Tibarn
"The Commander… he didn't really…" Oscar said behind the tent.
"That's just not possible!" Titania said in sigh language.
"Yes… the fact that Ike's parents may be cousins is quite the dilemma, and puts the entire army in jeopardy. Ike… this would probably make story of the year if anyone cared. So what are we to do then?"
"Well I must continue to fight! Ashnard's reign must still stop above all else."
"Like you can even do it!" said Soren, who was still in the cannon
Everyone laughed, because it was still very unlikely Ike could kill someone as mad as Ashnard. A few seconds later, Soren's cannon went off by itself.
"…Well I think this meeting is done!"
Everyone agreed and pretended nothing happened. They all went to bed, preparing for something to happen the next morning. But after all the chaos was resolved AGAIN, Soren finally collided with the ground by going all the way around the world.