Helloooooooooooo fellas! Been a while huh? Well, I've been very busy and I had a writer's block (what we call in French a "white page syndrome" or "syndrome de la page blanche") for quite some time.
The big crossover from this early October 2018 reminded me that I still haven't finished that story (oops). SO I have worked all day long yesterday trying to correct my omission by giving you the last chapter of this story. It is a big one, I can assure you, and a hugely emotional one as well. So prepare your tissues and start reading this! If you feel up to it, start reading back again from the first chapter this story before this one because there's a lot of details from previous chapters in it.
I hope you will enjoy this last read (for this story, don't be shocked) and that you enjoyed reading this entire fanfiction!
I will also start working on other stories (like Taken hostage or This thing that binds us) but it'll take some more time, so be patient for now.
ENJOY!
GygyFr
Previously, on the last chapter...
Matt made a huge thing at Molly's to surprise Gabby, the love of his life. He also decided to go to the trial and testify, thinking that answering the woman's questions in person could appease her anger and help himself move on.
And now, the last chapter...
Last chapter: To Ethan
Today was a big day for all the firefighters of the firehouse 51. today was the trial; to hear all the points of view of each people involved, to finally understand what happened in that fire, to figure out why Ethan, barely five years old, died four months ago. Each firefighter decided to come not with their civilian clothes, but with their firefighter's outfit. It was not a way to ask for pity from the judge, the lawyers or the jury. It was their way to pay tribute to this little boy they couldn't save. Casey had lost so much weight because of his own sufferings that he was floating in his suit. But he didn't care. What was in his mind was to be there, ready to answer the many questions ahead of him without hesitating, without raising an eyebrow. He had to. For that woman mourning her son. The entire firehouse arrived almost all at the same time, marking both the seriousness of the situation and their joy at seeing their lieutenant again after almost three months without almost any news. His men didn't blame him, Matt needed this.
Herrmann was probably the only one with Kelly, Gabby and Chief Boden to understand how hard it was on Matt to even think about what happened that day. Dawson, with Matt's consent, had decided to inform their chief about the entire situation in order to avoid heavy sanctions. Fortunately, Dr. Charles had written a letter for the headquarters, explaining to the Deputy District Chief that the lieutenant wasn't cleared to come back to work for now.
After the big head of the Chicago Fire Department, all were instructed to enter the room, waiting for the judge who had taken the sensitive case, the lawyers, the victim and the jury. It was probably one of the first time that a firefighter's work, an entire firehouse's work even, was taken into court. Generally, it was all settled out of it, but the mother's need for justice was so huge that she had not accepted the compensation she was given. No one could blame her. She was mourning, suffering from the absence of her son who should have had wonderful years ahead of him.
An hour passed, then two, three. Between breaks, the hours passed by and looked alike. First, we made the plaintiff talk, sobbing all along. Then the big heads from the Chicago Fire Department, a few residents of the building, most of the firefighters who answered the call. After three days of trial, there were only three people left to listen: Chief Boden, Herrmann and Casey. The defense attorney called the latter to the stand, and he swore to tell only the truth to the court and the jurors. He was ordered to sit down and the plaintiff's lawyer stepped forward to ask him the first question in a long series.
"Can you tell to the court what you were doing when the bell went off?" he asked coldly.
Chief Boden inhaled deeply and answered as calmly as he could be.
"We were having lunch."
"At four in the afternoon?" he questioned slightly surprise, a smirk on his face.
"We had a call at eleven for a two-car accident. By the time we cleared the road, we filled our trucks with gas, we did a complete inventory and replaced all the supplies we had to use on the field to be ready for the next call, it was four in the afternoon. Yes."
Mechanically, a high average of firefighters had a satisfied smile. A large part of the population, and lawyers were a part of that population, were not familiar with all the aspects of the firefighting profession. They knew what they were doing but they didn't know what they could endure to save them.
"And how long does it take to get to your respective trucks, put your gears on and drive to go to the scene? With as much detail as possible, please."
Wallace reflexively laid his eyes on his lawyer, who nodded, and resigned himself to answering the question, trying to be as clear and concise as possible.
"When we hear the bell, we all have the reflex to stop what we are doing at the time in order to know which trucks had been dispatched, why and where. When the first information is known, the firefighters who had been called run into the garage to put on their gear while remaining focused on the cause and location of the call. The lieutenants enter the coordinates into the GPS and then use the fastest way to get to the scene. Between the alarm and the departure of the trucks, an average of ten to thirty seconds elapses."
"So, if I do get it well, firefighters can lose twenty seconds depending on their efficiency?"
"Ten seconds is the time needed for an ambulance to leave the firehouse. They are first on scene and help the first accessible victims. Thirty seconds are the maximal amount of time a firefighter is allowed to take to put his gear on and enter his truck to leave the firehouse", the Battalion Chief answered confidently.
"How long did you take that day to leave your firehouse?"
Knowing what day he was talking about, that was the reason for this trial after all, Boden sighed and thought for a moment to give him an answer that would reflect reality.
"From memory, I would say... About twenty to twenty-five seconds."
"And how long did you take to get there?"
"Ambulance 61 and myself are the fastest with our respective vehicles. So we arrive first. In almost five minutes, we were at the scene of the structure fire. The heavy trucks are less powerful mechanically, so it takes longer."
"So your men, as you say, don't arrive immediately after you."
"Depending on the distance from our firehouse, they can take a few more seconds or several minutes."
"How long did they take to arrive on site?"
"They arrived two to three minutes after ambulance 61 and I."
"What do you do when it's the case. Like this one."
"I explain on the radio what we are dealing with to my lieutenants, so that they can coordinate their actions and know what to do when they arrive on scene."
A slight wedge smile appeared on the lawyer's face, as if he was preparing something to smash the firehouse. Boden was waiting for it, but this was not the case immediately.
"No further questions."
He returned to his seat with a haughty, almost unbearable look. This time, it was the turn of the defense attorney to ask questions.
"Chief Boden, what did you tell your men on the radio when you arrived at the structure fire?"
"Objection, your Honour!" the plaintiff's lawyer shouted as he stood up and made his chair squeal. "What does this have to do with the trial?"
"What may have been said on the radio may have had an impact on how the search and rescue was conducted, and therefore on the tragic event that took place", she replied as coldly as her rival, looking at the judge.
"Denied. Please, answer the question, Chief Boden", the judge announced after a few seconds of reflection.
"I described the situation: a four-story building on fire, ground floor included, which involved sixteen apartments. On the way out, a resident explained to me that most of the tenants were at work but there was no school. So I told my men that we didn't know how many people were still inside but that there probably were children."
"And when your men arrived?"
"Lieutenants Severide and Casey have agreed on an action plan, the one they are used to using in this kind of fire. Casey and Herrmann take the ground floor, Tony and Cruz go up to the top floor, Severide and Capp to the second floor. Mouch and Borelli stay outside to help Engine 51 set up some hoses and open a lifeline inside and guide the victims while Otis and Dawson climb on the roof to open it and ventilate. The check of the apartments is done in a clockwise direction."
"What about the first floor?"
"The first floor was the one below the fire floor, so normally the least affected by the smoke and therefore with the least risk. By the time we opened the roof and entered the enclosure, we had finished checking the other three floors. My men all headed for the first floor with one apartment for each team. The flames then became more intense and the smoke turned black, a sign that the fire was in the structure and therefore in the walls. And that it was necessary to act quickly."
"How much time do you have when it happens?"
"I give my men one minute to do some final search and rescue. After that, I order my men to come out in order to open the water canons and put out the fire to go back in and do an overhaul."
"What about the little boy? Ethan?"
"Unfortunately, I wasn't inside the building when it happened. I can't talk as good as my men who were there to talk to you about him. According to one of them, they saw the little boy before a backdraft set in. Him and Casey barely had time to throw themselves to the ground before... Before watching Ethan get swallowed by the flames."
"No further questions, your Honour."
The lawyer sat down and waited patiently until the judge asked the complainant's lawyer if he had any added questions, but he did not. She stood up again and announced that the next witness was Christopher Herrmann, who slowly approached the perch to swear and sit down.
"When you arrived in the apartment, what did you do?" his lawyer asked.
"Casey and I called out and we heard someone coughing. We found a woman on the floor in the hallway. She told us that her son was further away. Another team took the young woman out while we continued the search. We went into the living room, and... We saw the boy."
Herrmann stopped for a moment, obviously still shocked by what he had faced and going over the images again in his head.
"Casey was heading towards him when the flames got really out of hand, and..."
He stopped his story, unable to resume. This image of Ethan caught in the flames still haunted him. Almost forty years of duty dealing with the worst situations and being completely out of it by this little boy? It was just unthinkable.
"And what?"
"I heard a noise", he managed to say after several seconds, his voice almost cut off. "When you gain experience, you know what that noise is, and every firefighter fears it. I immediately yelled at Casey to stoop down."
"Which is what he did?"
"I don't know, I think so. When I raised my head, he was on the ground."
"What about Ethan?"
A heavy silence settled into the room, as if no one was inside.
"When... When facing such a situation, it is a reflex that every firefighter must have, no matter what happens. Because if we don't do it, we die. Believe me when I tell you that if we had been closer to the little boy, we would not have hesitated to jump on him and put him on the ground, even if it meant hurting him. Being hurt is not as bad as... As what happened."
"I have no further questions at this time, your Honour", she says before turning around and sitting next to Casey.
It was then the other lawyer's turn to speak.
"What happened after this... This tragedy?"
"Chief Boden called us out. Casey was in shock, so I answered the radio. We went down and... Casey went to the woman, who asked for her son. She immediately understood that something was wrong."
Herrmann could not help but look at the woman, who had tears in her eyes. They weren't flowing yet, but they were coming. Slowly but surely.
"And then what?"
"She punched Casey and collapsed", he confessed in a disillusioned courtroom.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you see that these firemen thought about their own survival before they thought about saving the life of a five-year-old boy and..."
"You really think we're selfish?!" Herrmann exclaimed suddenly, jolting the whole assembly.
He could not resist the urge to answer him, even if he was not allowed to do so, strictly speaking. But it was the honour of all the Chicago firefighters, and even the entire country, that had just been criticized. And that, today as forty years ago, Christopher could not bear to see the bravery of firefighters violated.
"We work twenty-four-hour shifts, often without taking any break or any sleep. We face death every day, we enter a burning building risking our lives as everyone runs away. If we really think that for our survival, we wouldn't have entered the building! Do you think it doesn't hurt us when we see someone die and we can't do anything? Do you think we haven't been going over this moment over and over again in our heads trying to change things? We tried every possibility since the incident and Ethan died every time. And often, Casey and I didn't survive because we tried to reach him and put him on the ground to save him. So yes, throwing ourselves to the ground may seem selfish, but everyone would have done the exact same thing. Not necessarily the best or the fairest, but the only one we've had to do."
Faced with so much truth, the audience was silent, most firefighters having one hand in front of their mouth. Boden and Herrmann's other colleagues were not even surprised by their friend's sudden words. They were even willing to laugh about it in other circumstances, but the time was serious and they didn't have the courage. But the truth sometimes hurt, especially in these kinds of cases. Throwing themselves to the ground was really the only way they could stay alive.
"I thought this boy could have been my younger son", Herrmann continued with a tear in his eye. "He's six years old. It tears my mind and heart to think that even my son could not have been saved in the same situation. So no, we're not selfish. There was just nothing we could do."
The court kept silent again and the judge accorded a thirty-minute break before the last testimony; Casey's.
"Are you going to be okay? Are you going to be able to testify?" Gabby asked to be sure of what he could and could not do.
"I have to do it. For Ethan", he admitted with fear appearing on his face.
He was not afraid to testify, quite the contrary. He had already done this so many times when his mother had been sent to jail and at each rejected hearing. But today, everything was different. He was the one being attacked. It was his team, his job, his soul that one had targeted. He had to defend himself and he had no idea if he was going to be able to deal with these sensitive and intrusive issues. But he had little choice.
"I... I'm afraid images will come back to me, you know?" He confessed to his girlfriend. "I don't know if I'm going to be able to control all this", he added in a whisper as he laid his head on her shoulder, seeking her comfort.
"You didn't come all this way to give up, did you?" she joked, thinking of everything her soul mate had been through since childhood. "I'm here, no matter what happens. If at any point you feel like you're panicking, look at me. And you will know."
Knowing what she was getting at, he closed his eyes and nodded while wrapping his arms around her to feel her warmth on him and to smell her sweet vanilla scent. A perfume that helped him to regain him strength and overcome terrifying obstacles.
"I... Thank you", he stammered. "Thank you for being there for me."
"Always."
The thirty minutes went by quickly and everyone was ordered to return to the courtroom, where Matt was called to testify. Like everyone before him, he had to swear to tell the truth and only this truth before asking for God's help and sitting down. The cold and proud lawyer stood up and walked towards him.
"I heard that… That you originally didn't want to come to this trial and testify. How come?"
"Objection, your Honour!" the firefighter's lawyer said. "What does this have to do with the case?"
"What this has to do with the case is that the failure of the alleged offender to testify is often a guilt itself."
"Hold", the judge granted without hesitation. "Please, rephrase."
"It's no use, your Honour", Casey said. "I'll answer."
He took a deep breath, looking Gabby in the eye one last time before turning his gaze to the devil's advocate.
"I was willing to testify, but not... I didn't want to be here and face this woman you are defending and who lost her child. And think about all this."
"How is this turnaround?"
"I... I thought to myself that Madam had the right to know from our mouth... From my mouth, what had happened. That it might ease her anger and help her to grieve. And that it could also help me to... To move forward."
"You seem... Touched. By this tragedy", the lawyer could not help but note.
"This... This tragic death was in a way the last straw. As a firefighter, you have to face death and keep going. We compartmentalize a drama in a corner of our brain and move on in order to save other lives."
"Except you couldn't that day. Why?"
"Honestly, I don't know. Perhaps that... That it was Ethan's attitude that... That made a difference to me?"
"Can you describe his... his attitude, as you say?"
"At first sight, he seemed paralyzed by fear. But he didn't move, he didn't cough, he didn't scream. No crying. Nothing. Like he knew what was going on. Like he knew what was going to happen."
"A question that has nothing to do with it. Why did you end up by the first floor?"
Oddly enough, Casey was expecting this question. Inside, he smiled and regained control of his breathing so he could answer.
"In this case, because it was the least affected story and least likely to be a problem. The fire had started on the second floor because of a short circuit."
"And this... Backdraft, which your colleagues have stated, do you often face it?"
"No, but it can happen when the roof is not ventilated or when there is an air draught somewhere."
"Was it the case?"
"With the living room window open, when we entered the apartment, there was a draught. Yes."
"It was the opening of the front door that created the backdraft?"
"It favoured its creation. It didn't create it. There is always a risk, even when the door is closed because of the gap between the door and the floor, because of the ventilation as well."
"So, at any time, a backdraft could have led to this tragic incident, is that what you're saying?"
"That's why a team opens the roof. The air intake is from above and avoids most backdrafts. This is also why the first floor was the last to be checked: it was below the main fire point."
"The ground floor was also below the main fire point. And yet, he was evacuated first. Why that?"
"In the case of a collapse, the ground floor is often the most affected; if people are under the rubble, by the time firefighters reach them, they will be dead. This is not the case for the upper floors. If the building collapses, we'll only have to remove a small layer of debris to rescue the possible victims. And since the second floor was on fire, both the second and upper floors were in flames and needed to be evacuated urgently. That's why we ended up by the first floor."
"What if the fire had started on the first floor?"
"Then this would have been the floor to evacuate as soon as possible."
Casey was already fed up with these incessant and irrelevant questions, but since there was no objection from his lawyer or the judge, he had to continue to endure all this under the piercing eyes of the victim.
"I have no further questions."
Finally, deliverance and finally questions turned in his favour! He blew a breath and looked at Gabby, his beloved, to give him back the courage and desire to continue testifying. He had done this all his teenage years to testify against his mother and her hearing, but this time he had to defend himself and it was a whole other matter. It was much harder and he now understood how much his mother had suffered the gaze of others during her trial despite her being an abused woman, who could have been compassionate.
"Lieutenant Casey, how can a firefighter know which floor the problem comes from at a glance in a structure fire?"
"Well... The intensity of the flames, the more opaque smoke escaping from the windows of the room where the fire started. This can be seen both externally and internally; there is less visibility on the affected and subsequent floors. Once the fire is under control, an overhaul is made to determine if we have not forgotten any victims and extinguished any residual source of fire, and the cause of the fire is determined."
"Who does this?"
"Lieutenant Severide and I, when we're both called on site. We have been certified for this. Then the OFI is doing its own determination to support our expertise, especially if there is a suspicion of an arsonist case."
"Do you ever make mistakes?"
Surprised by the question, Matt straightened up and did not answer immediately.
"It can happen. We are not robots, but human beings like any other. But with time and experience, less and less mistakes are is done"
"No further questions, your Honour."
The lawyer sat down, and the judge spoke again.
"Does the prosecution have any new questions?"
"Actually, yes. Your Honour, may I?"
With a wave of his hand, the judge showed his blessing and the plaintiff's lawyer stood up again to face Matt. The latter swallowed his saliva, fearing the questions he had to ask him.
"Do you think you were wrong about how to handle the situation? Could you have saved this little boy by doing something differently?"
It was one of the questions he feared most. Not that he didn't have the answer, but it was one of those he still couldn't control. Each time, he lost touch with reality and he became difficult to control. In the distance, Gabby was watching him with one hand on her mouth because she knew. She knew that it was this question that Matt could not face in an optimal way. And when her eyes met his own, she understood that he needed all her support. She lowered her hand, and forced herself to smile slightly. As if to send him all the positive waves in the world to help him respond without losing control.
"I... I did that scene in my head again for days, weeks. Over and over again, until it drove me crazy. The only time we were able to rescue Ethan was when there was no backdraft. So no. We could never have saved that little boy. It's brutal to hear, but we did everything we could. Sometimes it is not enough."
"Could this... This backdraft have been avoided?"
"Ventilating the roof had already minimized its appearance, but on every fire, there is always this risk. And when that happens, there's nothing we can do but take cover and wait for it to pass. We cannot predict whether or not a backdraft will occur, we could never have avoided it, even with all our will."
"Could you have been faster in this call? Your colleagues have mentioned many vacant apartments in the complex. Could you not have checked them?"
Casey felt he was starting to lose his temper. It had started five minutes earlier with his trembling hands, but now he could feel his heart beating faster and faster, his breathing becoming less precise and more hectic. All he wanted was for this carnage to stop.
"It took us twenty seconds for our teams to gear up, seven minutes to get to the scene with the shortest route. We rescued about twenty people before taking care of the first floor, and we escort the victims to the fire exit and to the paramedics. We're still trying to do it quickly, but we can't go any faster. Faster, we could have missed an apartment or a victim. We could have made a mistake. Why did we check the vacant apartments? Because any empty space means possible squatters. And there were six of them. One life is no more valuable than another. A squatter also has the right to be rescued and to live. For us, it is even a duty. So no, you can't not check a vacant place and we could never have done it faster without risking a mistake."
Instinctively, Casey clenched his fists to try to keep what little control he still had over himself, but he felt like he was losing anyway. He hoped in his deepest mind that this was his last question, because he did not know how much longer he could hold out.
"How do you manage to look at yourself in the mirror without looking down?" the lawyer rattled, obviously angry.
"Objection, your Honour! What does this have to do with the trial?!"
"Hold."
"Please, accept my apologies, your Honour. I have no further questions."
The lawyer turned around and started walking towards his seat near the victim when Matt's voice stopped him sharply.
I can't."
Everyone jumped then, including the jurors and the judge. The lawyer turned again, this time to face the lieutenant's black eyes with a surprised look on his face.
"You asked me how I could look at myself in the mirror after that? I can't", he answered truthfully, with a shaking voice. "As a firefighter, you have to face life and death situations, sometimes very painful, every day. And we still have to do our job effectively or we can kill someone. Or get us killed. We must put this terrifying image deep in your brain and move forward to save other lives, other people. This time... I couldn't."
Without being able to control himself, Matt let a tear run down his cheek, looking alternately at the lawyer in front of him and the woman who was suing him for his inability to save her son. After five seconds of silence, he took a breath and spoke again.
"Do you think I didn't try to save Ethan? I tried, with all my heart and knowing that I could die while helping him. You think I don't know how much it hurts to lose a child? I do; I too have lost my baby. You think I don't know what it's like to lose a loved one? I do; my first love died in a fire to which I responded with my team. I pulled her out of the fire myself and gave her CPR knowing full well that she was already gone, that I couldn't save her. My father had beaten my mother so badly when I was young that she had to kill him in order to save me. And she paid fifteen years of her life for the way she handled it. I lost one of my best friends in a fire, and it almost cost my life to save a baby from a building that was collapsing on us. I had to collect the part of a young girl who had been caught in the subway."
Everyone was in shock. Literally. And all this while Matt was shedding every tear in his body. The lawyer and the plaintiff with him almost. But he continued his speech after another well-deserved inspiration.
'You still think I'm not doing my job properly, that I haven't given my best? Try to stay for more than an hour in a forty degrees environment with seventy pounds of gear and a full oxygen tank without drinking or eating. Try to save lives by feeling the flames licking your face. Try to carry several more pounds of hose or more than a hundred pounds of an unconscious civilian on your shoulders without using elevators, and go back into the building to save others. Do this by suppressing your instinctive fear of dying and with the fear of facing the death of someone you are trying to save, over and over again. Do this without having shaky hands or jelly legs. That's what I endure daily for a living. That's what I endure to save lives. Maybe tomorrow, it will be yours and you will be happy that we have come to your rescue. But sometimes people get hurt. Sometimes there are casualties. And there's nothing we can do about it. I wish I could. My only weapon in the face of this is to say how sorry I am. I know that this is not enough."
He stopped, taking his breath as his whole body trembled. He decided to look at the young woman, with hot tears running down her own cheeks as she listened to the fireman's plea.
"I am sincerely sorry. I really did everything I could to save Ethan's life. Really tried everything. But I couldn't save him", he confessed to a stunned audience. "I'm sorry", he finally whispered as he lowered his head.
The court said nothing for a moment, remaining silent in front of this extraordinary speech explaining the constraints of the profession that almost everyone in the room practiced on a daily basis; its share of difficulty, its share of deaths and injuries that they are not allowed to think about under the risk of compromising the survival of other victims, themselves or members of the team.
All the suffering he had endured throughout his career and beyond. But despite all this, he was still a firefighter. He was always there, saving lives. That was being a firefighter, and only themselves and their families could know what it was like. This information had arrived like a slap on the cheeks. And in front of this silent room, the lawyer nodded weakly, as if to explain that he had understood, and sat down next to the young woman he was defending.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the jury will deliberate. I give you an hour break before the verdict."
At the same time, the judge hit his table with his hammer and everyone got up with one man. Casey came out of the room pushing everyone to rush into the toilet and lock himself in. Seeing this, Severide and Herrmann followed him discreetly, under Gabriela's worried gaze. As they entered the small room, they could both hear their friend's crying and violently heaving, without being able to help him. They were in pain for him, so bad. Physically and mentally.
Herrmann and Severide expected Casey to suffer from this tragic moment, but they didn't know how much it had affected him and how much it had brought back painful memories to the surface. It was not only the image of this little boy he faced on a daily basis, but also the image of all those people he had not been able to save. Kelly knocked gently on the door, signaling his presence to his brother in the heart, but he said nothing. He couldn't do it. They heard the flush, but Matt didn't come out. Perhaps he needed time to recover, but Severide could not leave him in such disarray. He waited patiently, just like Christopher, for Matt to come out of hiding. Fifteen minutes passed before he could face his friends and colleagues.
"I know what you're going to tell me, but... Are you okay?"
"I... I couldn't help it..."
"Help what? Make a speech to highlight the risks of the job and what we endure on a daily basis? Are you kidding me? Just for the face of the lawyer across the room, it was amazing!" Herrmann joked. "I'll come back to court just for the pleasure of seeing him with his lips sealed with shame."
Strangely enough, he managed to make Casey smile, who relaxed a little.
"I let my heart speak. I... I didn't think I would be able to confess all this in public."
"Matt, after everything you've been through, I'm surprised you've lasted this long without complaining and without dealing with the consequences. Give yourself a little esteem. You're stronger than anyone in the courtroom. That's why the firefighters at the firehouse come to you when their morale is at its lowest. You always manage to motivate us, to be a kind of shrink for us", Kelly admitted under the incredulous eye of his friend.
"Severide is right. If we come to you, it's because we know that you're the one who's holding up best among all of us, we know that you won't fall apart by telling you how we're doing. On the contrary, you encourage us to move forward and forget. Look what you did for Cruz when there was this problem with his brother."
Surprised, Casey turned to Herrmann, dubious. Either he had misunderstood or he had understood what it was all about.
"What, you thought we were stupid? We know what Cruz did in that fire to save Leon. And yet, you didn't say anything, not even to the cops."
Matt didn't say anything; Christopher was right. He would never say anything unless he had to do so. Of course, reporting a murder is a duty of every citizen, but this was very different. He understood the situation better than anyone else because his mother had killed his father to protect him; she had dived for homicide for fifteen years and could have stayed longer if his sister Christie had spoken against him and their mother. So yes, he hadn't said anything, for fear of losing another one of his men.
"He wanted to protect his little brother."
"We know. And we are proud of Cruz for that."
He raised his head, drinking these words as he was washing his hands and spraying his face with cold water to boost himself.
"Are you feeling better? Do you feel... Free?"
"A little", he admitted. "I will probably be totally relieved if we will be called not guilty. I don't know. We'll see."
"I must admit that... That angel head will never leave me. I will keep it for each fire I am called into, to give me the courage to move forward and save lives. And be as brave as Ethan was in the face of the flames."
When he came to his senses, he left the toilet with his two friends and they were able to join the others outside the building. Matt did not want to talk about what he had just explained to the court and the venal lawyer facing him, so it was simply by talking about the post-trial period that the atmosphere relaxed. Herrmann, in disagreement with Otis, Gabby and Stella, as usual, offered all the firefighters a free round if they were found not guilty, rekindling the flame and heat in each of them. After an hour of laughter, the firefighters decided to enter the room as agreed, waiting for the jurors to come and deliberate. Half an hour passed before the judge and jurors entered the room and sat in their respective seats.
"Time for the verdict", the judge announced, hitting his hammer. "Did the jurors succeed in reaching an unanimous agreement?"
"Yes, your Honour. We are ready to give our verdict", the person in charge of the jury said.
"Please."
The person stood up with a piece of paper in his hand and ready to read what he had written on his sheet.
"The jurors have made their decision. On the charge of failing to assist a person in danger, we find the Chicago Fire Department not guilty."
A first wind of relief seized the courtroom.
"On the charge of negligence, we find the Chicago Fire Department and more specifically the firefighters of Firehouse 51 not guilty."
A second relief filled the air of the assembly. All that was needed was one verdict to feel fully satisfied and to emerge victorious from this trial.
"For the charges of manslaughter in the person of Ethan Morales, we find firefighter Christopher Herrmann not guilty."
The latter sighed, waiting for the last verdict against his supervisor, who looked suddenly panicked and held his breath.
"On the charge of manslaughter in the person of Ethan Morales, we find Lieutenant Matthew Casey not guilty."
Tears came to his eyes instantly as he listened to these last two words. And it was a more than deserved victory that the lawyer had his clients acknowledge.
"All charges against Chicago Fire Department, Firehouse 51, Christopher Herrmann and Matt Casey are dropped."
The final hammer stroke rang and everyone stood up, squeezing each other to show their satisfaction at winning the trial.
"Matt, we did it! We did it! We did it!"
But he cried tirelessly. All the tension accumulated in the previous months had suddenly subsided, as if a weight had just withdrawn from his shoulders. Relieved, his first choice was to get up to seek the comfort of his sweetheart's arms. He needed it more than anything else in the world. Sobbing on her shoulder, she grabbed him and put her hand behind his back to reassure and relax him.
"I'm so proud of you, babe. You have no idea."
"I was... So scared."
"Hey, hey, Matt. I never doubted, not for a second. To find you guilty was impossible; it would be like saying that Bambi was the cause of his mother's death, or that Simba had killed his father. Worse still, that Kala had killed Tarzan's parents. It's all bullshit", Gabby joked, making Casey laugh for the first time in weeks.
"Thank you. For putting up with me all those weeks without flinching. You've been there from the beginning, and I can't thank you enough."
"Matt, you don't have to thank me. You would do the same for me without hesitation."
And it was true. Matt didn't hesitate for a moment when it came to helping the woman he loved. She had supported him in the most difficult ordeals since 2012, and for that reason alone he had to help him if necessary, as when she lost her colleague, best friend and confidant.
"I love you", he slipped into her ear.
It filled her with joy. It was the first time she had heard these words coming out of his mouth since the incident. She smiled, satisfied and moved.
"I love you too, Matt. More than anything else."
"I want a baby", he cried to everyone's surprise. "A baby who's as brave as Ethan. A baby that we have conceived with love and that will be the hope that I had lost."
"I want a child from you too. Much more than anything else on Earth. I want him to become as strong as his daddy, as funny as his mommy. And as wonderful as both of us."
"Do you mean as annoying as his mother?"
"Hey!"
She then hit Matt, not for real but more out of fantasy and humour, making all the other firefighters around them laugh.
"Excuse me", a shy, feminine voice interrupted.
They all turned around and saw the young woman who accused them of murdering her son standing there, not far from them with tears in her eyes.
"I... Sorry, I... I wanted to apologize. For my behaviour", she began, much to the firefighters' surprise. "I was angry, I had lost my son, and... I... I didn't think you could understand my distress as much, but... But I was wrong. After you explained what you were going through every day, I understood. I realized that I was being unfair to all of you. And in particular to you, Mr. Casey. I realize that you really did your best to save my son, even if that wasn't enough. I'm sorry I put you through all this unnecessarily. And I wanted... I..."
The young woman took a deep breath, and continued.
"I wanted to thank you. For putting your life in danger to save my son's. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you, for all the lives you have saved."
Matt nodded, completely freeing himself from the grip of guilt after these few words. With her agreement, he hugged the woman and thanked her, crying all the tears in his body for the first time in a long time. He felt alive, free. Without bad thoughts.
"If one day I have the honour of having a son, I will call him Ethan. In tribute to yours."
Gabby nodded, approving Matt's decision and smiling at the young woman. She too freed herself from so much compassion and love.
"To remind us how brave your son was in the face of death. And so that our son will be as courageous as he was."
She stammered a 'thank you' before disappearing completely, letting the firefighters expose their joy to the fresh air. They all went to Molly's to celebrate with the drinks offered by the house. Matt hoped from the bottom of his heart that one day, he would have as much courage as Ethan in the face of the certain death that awaited him. It was why he came today, to pay tribute to him. To try to be as brave as this five-year-old face. It was going to be difficult, but he was going to do everything to get out of its torments, to get back to his greatest passion. To regain the privilege to save lives and be as brave as the one he couldn't save. To make sure he's the last one to see die.
Water had flowed under the bridges, and many things had happened in the next two years. Kelly had decided to declare his love to Stella Kidd, who decided to let this idyll burn. Hermann lived happily with his family; his wife and their five children. Mouch was enjoying his marriage with Trudy Platt. Boden cherished life and his son Terrance more than ever before, to Donna's delight. Cruz had found a pretty little girl named Sylvie Brett to love and who worked with him in the firehouse. At first, their relationship was kept secret but all secrets in the house were known in less than an hour, so that did not last long. As for Gabby and Matt, both of them had taken several months off to enjoy their wedding and their pride baby, which Kelly had wanted to steal from them a few hours after Mister Dawson-Casey's birth. A little boy they had, as promised, decided to call Ethan. In tribute to this brave little man whom they had had the chance to know for a few seconds.
"Open your mouth for your daddy", Matt ordered as he tried to feed his son.
The latter imitated him perfectly, and clapped his hands to congratulate himself for having done as his father did while he was loading a spoonful full of pot in his mouth. Ethan was going to be a year old in the coming days and he had turned the two future parents and the firehouse upside down. Everyone had been waiting for a long time for a little Dawsey to join the family, and it was finally done. Gabby had announced her pregnancy on Matt's first day back to work, in front of everyone at the firehouse. It was undoubtedly the most beautiful gift someone had ever given him. Of course, Kelly and Sylvie were the godparents, but Carlos and Elyanor would remain Ethan's surrogate parents forever; Elyanor would take care of him while the two lovers were at work.
She too had the pleasure of welcoming their new son, Mateo, whose godfather Casey was and whose first name was derived from his real name. It was an admission Elyanor made to him one day when Casey was in high spirits, just before his son was born. This had made him happier for the rest of his life; knowing that he was like a role model for someone and that he would be a godfather for the second time, after his niece Violet. To his surprise, she decided to become a paramedic, just like Gabby, to help people and save lives. That day, Matt told his sister that he could only be prouder to know that his niece would follow in his footsteps and those of her sister-in-law.
The image of this little boy, he had not forgotten it. On the contrary, he contemplated it every day when he jumped out of bed. He wasn't watching the flames engulf him; he was just looking at his eyes. He observed his courage, his bravery at every moment, and told himself in the morning before going to see his son that he would spend the day try to match that boldness he had never seen before. This was what he wanted to teach Ethan when he was older and able to understand. This child he could not save and who had traumatized him had also become that hope that each firefighter kept in oneself to survive. It was this light that allowed him to continue to save lives. In tribute to Ethan.