Chapter twenty-six: Before I go

Author note: Am I really that transparent, guys? ;)

Being a Seer, like me, does not make you all knowing. Not at all. This was a fact that I'd always been pleased about since there were certain things in this life that I didn't want or need to know about, someone's private moments and the colour of Crabbe's boxers for example. With my uncontrolled powers I was at the mercy of whatever being gave me them to me, I couldn't call upon my inner eye as and when I felt like it (which was probably a good thing since may Seer's who'd spent too much time in the future often lost sight of the here and now), visions came and went as they pleased and often left me, as a result, confused as I tried to work out the snippets of the future I'd received. It was a hassle; never knowing exactly what was going to happen but knowing that something big (and usually bad) was on its way and not knowing how to stop it. Sometimes it was enough to drive a person half way mad with guilt, I would know. So due to my sketchy and choosy seeing abilities I was only marginally more informed than your regular seventeen year old and often a lot more bewildered. Which was why, stumbling up the steps of the secret passageway that had led me to the landing of the Astronomy Tower, desperate to warn Draco of my vision of his distress, I didn't know the full story behind the painful experience he was about to endure, I didn't know why he would soon be reduced to almost tears or why, as he said, he had no options. Because like I said, I'm not omniscient. My untamed seeing powers were also why I couldn't look ahead and see exactly what Draco wanted to do when he walked towards me, and nor could I see what would happen after that. If I could have seen it though I would have changed my own actions, because I was sure that if I'd known what he was going to do I'd never have let him do what he did next. Or so I'll tell you, because being a Seer didn't mean I could control my heart any better either.

"Draco," I started to warn him as he came towards me, partly because of my vision and also partly to keep him from doing anything stupid right that second. He wore a look of single minded determination, slight annoyance and something almost like pain in his eyes as he approached me and I really didn't know what to make of it "Draco, I need to tell you something."

He didn't respond, which was odd for him because he usually always had something to say. He just reached out and took hold of my arm before turning me back around and starting to lead me off to the side, that was all I knew though, I wasn't really paying attention to where he was taking me as I was too busy taking in his uncharacteristic appearance. Draco's usually neatly styled pale blond hair was now a dishevelled mess around his head, sticking up at irregular intervals as though he'd been running his hands through it repeatedly. There were still dark purple circles under his eyes, only now they were made even more pronounced by way he narrowed his blue-ish grey gaze with purpose. And to top it all off his traditionally impeccable uniform was anything but now, the top two buttons of his white shirt where unfastened, his silver and green Slytherin house tie hung loosely around his neck and his shirt was a crumpled mess at the bottom, from where it had been ragged untucked. It was so strange to see him looking like that, Draco prided himself on his appearance and usually wore his Slytherin robes the way a king wore his crown, but now that wasn't the case, he looked like he'd been dragged through a hedge backwards and endured unimaginable torment, and I all I could do was stare, shocked. He looked exactly like he had when I'd left him, only a million times worse.

"You shouldn't be here," he said looking ahead at where we were going and refusing to as much as glance at me. He sounded mad, like I'd somehow disobeyed him by coming here, even though he had no real right to sound that way, I could do whatever I wanted.

"Well no one ever told me that," I said dryly, not liking that he was shoving me around but also unwilling to tell him off for it, since I was still pretty worried about him and so was willing to let him get away with it. Just this once. "What happened to you?" I asked instead of asking him where he got off telling me what to do and looking him over once more, my ever present worry reaching what I thought had to be its peek, I wasn't sure if my heart could take any stronger emotions. However at the same time, and regardless of my concern, my heart was fluttering in my chest at the sight of him looking so tousled. Stupid hormones.

Draco's hard expression wavered for a moment and he looked as though he might tell me what are up, or at least like he might want to, he didn't though he just made an incomprehensible grunting sound in the back of his throat and carried on guiding me off somewhere. Blinking a few times to clear my head I summoned up enough emotion to be annoyed that Draco was pulling me around and let my curiosity get the better of me. Finally interested in where we were going. My gaze flicking away from the boy gripping my left arm tightly, as though I were a life preserver in the middle of a stormy sea, and I looked ahead to where he was leading me. A door I'd been through a few times before, it led to the classroom Professor Sinistra used whenever it rained and we couldn't go on the roof. It was the only door here on the landing, other than the one up the next flight of stairs that led to the outer part of the Astronomy tower. Feeling a flash of panic at Draco's strange demeanour and the silent, empty part of the castle we were in, I gripped my wand all the tighter. Draco wouldn't do anything to hurt me, the ever faithful part of my brain insisted, yeah but it never hurt to be prepared, my more practical side said, just in case. We reached the classroom door and with his spare hand Draco threw it open, stepped inside first and pulled me in after him. He checked the room quickly with his sharp gaze, making sure no one was going to jump out at us, before he turned back to look at me, it was too dark to properly gage his emotions but he looked an almost painful mix of strong feelings that in the dim light I just couldn't place. He took a step towards me.

"Draco, listen," I said holding up my hands to stop him, despite his weird behaviour and the erratic beating of my heart I had to warn him about what I'd seen, maybe he'd know what to make of it and be able to stop it from happening.

Taking a few more slow but purposeful steps Draco didn't stop until he was right in front of me, the palms of my still outraised hands on his chest. His eyes were darker, somehow, heavy with too many things that I simply couldn't place or perhaps couldn't understand, I watched, mesmerised by him for a moment and able to feel as his chest rose and fell with the force of his breathing. Oh God.

I cleared my throat, blinked and looked up at him "Please listen," I implored, feeling my heart pound and my eyelids go heavy with sudden emotion, breathing was getting more and more difficult with him so close to me, but I had to say this. Meanwhile Draco only watched me, looking oddly feral (for probably the first time in his life) as his eyes raked over me, jumping from some part of me to my face or more specifically my lips, every few seconds. I sucked in a ragged breath.

"Draco, I've Seen something terrible…" I started to tell him but was cut of by the gasp that forced its involuntary way out of my chest, as Draco lent in towards me and closed the distance between us with his lips.

I backed up against the wall of the classroom and Draco followed without a moment's hesitation, never breaking our kiss, the cold stone wall felt odd against my back with Draco's warm body pressed against my front. My wand slipped from my hand and clattered noisily to the floor, however even that sharp sound didn't shock us from what we were doing, it seemed we were both fully aware of our actions this time. The feel of Draco's lips on mine sent electric shocks through my entire body, lighting me up and stinging horribly at the same time. His kiss was feverish, desperate even, as though he were a dying man having his first drink of water in months, his lips were harsh and almost painful against mine as though he were desperate to drink down every last drop of the water I offered him. And I did offer it. Unlike the last time we kissed my reaction was instantiations, I didn't push him away as I now wish that I had, I returned the kiss with equal passion and vigour, no games, no tricks, just love. If Draco was surprised he didn't show it, he didn't pause or freeze where he was, if anything my reception gave him even more confidence. My eyelids fluttered shut and my heart pounded against my ribs as Draco pressed a hand against the wall by my head so he could deepen the kiss. Reacting in kind I slowly trailed my fingers down his chest and stomach, causing him to shiver underneath my touch, until my arms dropped by my sides and I delivered Draco a tender kiss. I couldn't think and to be honest with you I didn't want to, I was tired of playing Draco's enemy and I wanted to embrace the emotions I'd been pushing aside for months now, to embrace him. I didn't care how crazy this was, I was so deliriously happy that I couldn't even begin to wonder what we were expecting to do next when we left here or where this thing would go. And why should I, couldn't I just enjoy myself for a moment without thinking about the consequences of my actions? People did that all the time but I never could before, being a Seer I knew all too well that even the smallest action could have a massive impact on the future. I simply didn't care then though, I didn't care at all.

As our kiss turned significantly more heartfelt and gentle, with long meaningful kisses rather than quick frantic snogging, Draco took my hand in his free one and held it tightly; while I raised my other hand and cupped the side of his face. I didn't have a clue how long we stood there, giving in to the desires we'd long been suppressing (or at least I had) but I did know that when Draco pulled away it was far too soon for me. He didn't go far, his lips hovering just inches away from mine, his warm breath fanning on my face as we both fought to get oxygen in our lungs, chest rising and falling I smiled at him from where he had me pressed against the wall, willing to be submissive to him for the first time ever. Draco let go of my hand for a moment and I felt my stomach drop, determined not to let him leave after just turning my world upside down, again, I moved my hand from his cheek and curled my fingers around the back of his neck. I wasn't going to suffer through weeks of uncertainly and rejection from him yet again, I wouldn't let myself go through that another time. However no sooner had I started to frown than he took my hand back in his, awkwardly this time though, as he was holding something.

"I couldn't leave without doing this," he panted, his fair fringe falling over his brilliant blue eyes, which were intense once more "I'm sorry."

"Leave?" I asked with a frown of confusion; however I could say no more as Draco's lips were back on mine for a kiss so bittersweet that I felt as though my heart might break into thousands of tinny pieces. There was something here that I didn't know about and I just knew it would be something I wouldn't like. I 'mmmm'ed against his lips as I tried and failed to break away from him, not about to be distracted by a kiss (however heartbreakingly exquisite), I wanted to know what he meant by leaving, where was he going? The school year hadn't even ended yet.

Frustrated I balled my free hand into a fist and hit him on the chest. What did he mean he could leave without doing this? Where was he going? Draco didn't so much as cringe at my outburst let alone surrender my lips, he just carried on with his emotionally sore kiss and fidgeted with the object he held in the hand that still gripped mine. The briefest, but most excruciating, of moments after Draco had initiated the second round of our kiss he started to pull away, pushing a warm, circular object into my hand as he did so and curling my fingers around it so I wouldn't drop it. I took whatever it was he was giving me without a second thought, that wasn't important now. What mattered now was that I still hadn't told him about my vision and that Draco looked the same terrible mix of sombre and petrified that you might see in a man being led to the gallows, not to mention he was talking about leaving for some reason. I couldn't make sense of him right then and only stared for a moment as he started to back away, eyes downcast and jaw set as though he seriously wanted to hurt someone right then, like someone had wronged him in some way.

"Stay safe," I thought I heard him whisper as he turned away from me, I couldn't be sure though and it seemed to me like an odd parting comment, especially since he was the one in danger, not me.

His retreat began to pick up speed and a deeply troubled looking Draco was fast approaching the door and for a few seconds all I could do was watch as a horrible feeling of déjà vue took hold of me. This was exactly what happened last time. My brow puckering I was shocked by the terrible falling sensation I felt in the pit of my stomach, I didn't know what to make of it, so when I brought my downcast eyes back up to Draco and found that he was almost at the door, a scowl of his own deeply in place and running a shaking had through his messy blond hair, I was suddenly overcome with determination. This wasn't happening again, he wasn't going to kiss me and run away and leave me here, I wasn't going to let him. Holding my head up high and sticking out my chin I pushed myself away from the wall, he wasn't sneaking off that easily, I wasn't going to let myself go through the torture of not knowing where I stood with him, not again. I didn't deserve that.

"Draco," I called my voice ringing out clearly across the darkened and almost deserted class room, I started to jog towards him, slipping whatever he had given me into my pocket as I did so, but he was already half way out the door. He looked over his shoulder at me, almost wistfully, before setting his expression back to a painfully hard one and turning away. With that his shaking form disappeared out the door, he closed it behind him.

Feeling my heart beat frantically in my chest for an entirely different reason I carried on jogging until I had to stop still, swaying on my feet and feeling suddenly light headed. No, I thought as I raised a hand to my head and looked ahead at the door, not now, I didn't have the time for this, I had to get to Draco before my vision came true. He was in danger and he needed me. Fear bubbled up inside of me even though I wasn't exactly sure of why I was frightened, I just knew that Draco couldn't leave me now, it was all too familiar, too dangerous and too final. I felt like I'd never see him again and after what we'd just shared that was the very worst thing for me. I couldn't do anything though, bent over my knees in an effort to stay in the here and now for just a little longer, I took deep ragged breaths but it was a futile attempt. Barely able to stay on my feet due to the way my head was spinning I felt that ever timely otherworldly breeze blow across the front of my brain and felt my eyes go involuntarily wide. The sharp click of the classroom door locking from the outside was the last thing I heard before my second sight took hold and everything faded to black.

Draco

Furious Draco Malfoy turned back to face the Astronomy classroom door, his hand still clutching the handle tightly and it took all his restraint to keep from going back in there, back to her. His blood boiling with the injustice of it all, Draco screwed his eyes up tightly and rested his head against the cool wood, his rage mounting second by second. This wasn't fair! He shouldn't have to do this, he didn't want to, he was losing too much fulfilling a task that he no longer had the passion for, he didn't care about what the Dark Lord wanted or what would bring his family honour again, he only wanted to spend time with the infuriating woman who accepted him the way he was, imperfections and all. He couldn't though, he knew it and he hated that fact with a burning passion, his own life and the lives of his family were in danger if he didn't do this, he had no choice.

Hot tears stinging in his eyes Draco couldn't bring himself to regret what he'd just done, even though he knew accepting his feelings would make their separation that much harder, he simply couldn't leave her without doing that, she needed to know how he felt. The feelings he had for Ivy were like nothing he'd ever expected to experience, he'd never felt emotion of the like before and doubted very much that he ever would again. He hoped that she knew how much she meant to him, but knew full well that she probably wouldn't, because he hadn't said it in so many words. It wouldn't matter though, come tomorrow morning she'd hate him, or else he'd be dead and it wouldn't matter anyway. Banging his head hard on the door out of sheer frustration Draco wished with all that he had that he could change things, that he could go back to when he agreed to this insanity and change his mind, what was he thinking, deciding to take on Dumbledore? However, Draco knew that all the wishing in the world wouldn't change things now, he'd spent the past year regretting his decision and he knew there was no way out of this; he had to perform this task or else die in the attempt. He had no choice. But God, if it wasn't the hardest thing he'd ever done. Banging his head again Draco let out a whimper, the heart that had been hovering in his chest mere minutes before, breaking slowly into a million pieces. She would hate him soon, after all their progress this past year she'd find out that he'd been lying to her the whole time, that he really was a Death Eater, and she'd hate him for what he was about to do. And there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.

Taking a few deep breaths Draco fought for control of himself, blinked away the tears he would not permit himself to shed and pulled his head away from the door, trying his hardest to resign himself to his fate. He had no choice in this and there was nothing he could do now to preserve what he had with Ivy, so sitting here and blubbering would do him no good, he ought to be heading up to the roof of the Astronomy tower to wait for Dumbledore right now. There was nothing else left for him to do. Balling his free hand into a fist Draco tried and failed to get his shaking under control as fear for his life took hold of him and the pain that he was losing Ivy hit home, he had to get going. It was time to fight for his life. Acting on protective impulse Draco quickly took out his wand and muttered the necessary spell to lock the classroom door, he doubted it would hold her but he had to do whatever he could to keep Ivy safe, since she was putting herself right into the fire by being out here tonight and not safely tucked in bed in the Gryffindor tower like he'd hoped she would be. Though it killed him, there was nothing else he could do for her, she couldn't follow him that would be far too dangerous and he had to go up to meet Dumbledore. But even if she didn't go with him she wasn't exactly safe since there was about half a dozen Death Eaters running about the school, hell bent on hurting people, Muggleborns especially. The best he could hope for would be that she'd stay in the classroom, safe and sound, however Draco knew Ivy better than that by now, she wasn't the type to sit and hide, as soon as she got wind of what was going on downstairs Draco knew for a fact she'd jump right into the very centre of the fray. And then there would be nothing he could do to help her, she'd be too far away to keep an eye on.

Taken slightly aback by his protectiveness Draco scowled at the wooden door, if all hope of their happiness was going to end tonight Draco wanted to at least be able to keep her safe from harm, he was maddened that there was no more he could do. Hoping that the gods, who didn't seem to care very much for him, valued Ivy half as highly as he did Draco let go of the door handle and took a step back, please just stay in there, he thought desperately, just this once. No noise could be heard from inside the room, which surprised him since he'd expected her to be banging on the door and demanding he tell her what the hell he was doing, insulting him every other word, but she wasn't and that had him mildly concerned, what if she was hurt somehow? However Draco decided that whatever could have happened to her in there was a damn sight better than what would happen to her if she came out; he continued to back away, watching the door as he did so. With every step he took away from the locked room and girl inside it the pulling sensation in his chest got even worse, as though his heart was bonded with Ivy's now and every step he took away from her had the organ being sucked out of his chest, so it could stay with her. By the time Draco reached the stairs that would lead him outside his chest felt numb and hollow, the only thing left being a dull aching throb where his heart used to be, that Draco was certain he'd never get rid of. Swallowing the lump in his throat Draco frowned as he stared at the door, if this was their last goodbye; Draco thought as his wand quivered in his sweaty hand, then at least they'd gone out with a bang. He'd been truly honest with Ivy for the first time ever, despite how he hadn't answered one of her questions, and he had that to hold onto at least.

Turning his back on Ivy a pained Draco took to the steps of the staircase slowly, forcing himself accept his fate and resign himself to his lot in life with every step that he took, there was no point dwelling on what could have been. It was easier said than done of course, and Draco felt certain that he knew exactly who his last thought on this Earth would be about. On the brink of bursting from sheer emotion Draco took one last shaky breath and went to face the end.

Ivy

I was standing in a corridor, somewhere in the castle, I couldn't tell where exactly because I was too stunned by what was happening around me. Banging, shouting, screaming, flashes of light and people moving in every direction, my senses were overwhelmed. I stood still, at the centre of it all, frozen in absolute horror as I took in what was happening around me and found myself suddenly sick with fear and rage. Death Eaters. They were everywhere, the vile hooded figures, hiding behind their grotesque masks and firing jets of lethal green light in every possible direction. There were about six of them but that was all it took to cause absolute chaos. Horrified I watched as Neville, Ron and Ginny duelled with all that they had, collectively, against two rather large looking Death Eaters, there were no other students here as far as I could see but as I looked around I spotted plenty more familiar faces. Some of the Order where here, mercifully able to protect us but also in so much danger that it had my heart plummeting in my chest. Tonks, Lupin and Bill duelled alongside my friends.

"Ivy!" Tonks, one of my closest friends in the Order, shouted as she span to block on Death Eaters attack and spotted me just standing there, her short mousey hair flying around her head "Move!"

And I did, body moving in autopilot mode I turned just in time to see another Death Eater point their wand in my direction, I dived to the side just in time, feeling the raw static magic of the spell brush against me as it shot past, barely missing me. Tripping over my own feet I crashed to the floor with an almighty thud that shook through me and had my teeth clashing hard together. I took a gasping breath, shocked and glad to still be alive. Internally I thanked Harry for the Felix and cursed my own stupidity before rounding back on the Death Eater who'd attacked me, intent on delivering a little pay back, only to find that Tonks deep in battle with him. Protecting me. Terrified for her I watched her for a moment, as a pushed myself up off the floor and got to my feet, I watched as she and my Death Eater duelled intently, each one giving it their all. Then I remembered something and with a flash of worry I quickly scanned the room for the sight of the Death Eater she'd been fighting just seconds before. I spotted him just picking himself up off the floor a little way to my right, away from all the other fighters, his mask missing and hatred written across his face. Panicked I glanced back at Tonks and realised that she was too deep in her battle with the Death Eater who'd taken a shot at me to notice her old foe, she thought she'd bested him and now had her back to him. Eyes wide I quickly looked back at the Death Eater Tonks thought she'd beaten and watched in outright terror as he aimed his wand at my older friend.

"Tonks!" I managed to scream as she sent the Death Eater she was currently duelling flying with a well aimed spell and turned at the sound of my frightened screaming. She wasn't quick enough though and I couldn't coax my limbs to do anything, I was frozen in place by deep rooted horror, eyes wide as the Death Eater she'd previously beaten shot his spell and I could only watched, transfixed as the deadly green light made its way towards Tonks.

Gasping loudly I came back to the present, still filled with panic. Shocked I found myself lying on the cold stone floor of Sinistra's classroom and not in the midst of some epic battle. I must have fallen when my vision took me, I decided. Watching as the room revolved with my dizziness and felt my fear build and build as I thought about my vision, it couldn't come true, I wouldn't let it, Tonks was my friend and had always been there to talk to when I needed her, I wouldn't let her get hurt because of me. Pulling myself upright as slowly as I had the patience for I was soon on my feet and as soon as I picked up my wand from where I'd dropped it during Draco and my…err, moment earlier, I was running towards the door again. However when I got there I was surprised to find it was locked. Draco, I thought unable to understand why he had locked me in here and how he thought something like that would keep me in here; a first year could perform to Alohamora spell. Suddenly remembering my vision about Draco and how I had to warn him, as well as find out why the hell he thought he was leaving, I was suddenly torn, could I warn both Draco and Tonks in time? I didn't know where either one of them were or when they would need my help, I only knew my visions would be coming true some time soon, could I choose between the two of them?

"Alohamora," I cast clearly, feeling no satisfaction when I heard the lock click open and turned the door handle. Of course I couldn't choose, I thought as I stepped out onto the Astronomy landing, Tonks was a close friend of mine, we'd kept in contact thought the past few years via owls and she'd helped me though some difficult times, she was like an older sister to me and I knew she'd been hurting recently. Sirius's death had been painful for her and she blamed herself for it, even though I was more to blame than she was, and there was something else bothering her too, another reason for her recent change of mood and appearance, something she'd promised to tell me about the next time she saw me. While Draco was Draco, the boy I'd spent my first few years at Hogwarts hating, developed a strange friendship with recently and harboured secret feelings for, the boy who'd hurt me more than I'd thought anyone ever could and made me feel such happiness that I thought my heart might burst. I'd just kissed him and it killed me to see him hurt. I cared so much about them both, I could never possibly choose, it wouldn't be right, I had to try and help them both.

Walking forwards I had two routes ahead of me, upwards to where Draco had undoubtedly been heading when he came up here before and chances were, where he was now. Or downwards to where I'd search out the corridor from my vision about Death Eaters and Tonks. Looking between both options and trying to decide which way to go, I soon had my mind made up for me as the sounds of shouting and explosions suddenly met my ears. Knocked into action I ran for the stairs without hesitation and came to a stop at the top of the stairs, wide eyed as I looked down. Ron, Ginny, Neville, Tonks, Lupin and Bill were all down at the bottom of the Astronomy Tower, being backed into the corridor and taking up defensive positions as a gang of hooded Death Eaters stalked towards them, firing spells left right and centre and bathing the corridor in multicoloured light. My heart dropped and I gasped, watching as a badly shot killing curse was fired, missing Ron by inches and skimming by Ginny. Oh my God, if I hadn't been terrified before I most certainly was now, Death Eaters were attacking Hogwarts, Harry had been right to worry. Gripping my wand all the tighter and watching horror struck as the fight raged downstairs I knew I had no choice, there was no way I could walk away from this, I didn't want to, I had to help my friends and defend my school. So, without a second thought but with a sharp pull from my heart, which insisted I head in the other direction, I ran down the Astronomy Tower steps and ran head first into the fray.

Author note: Not so happy about the end there, but I really had to update, hope you guys liked it, a massive thanks to everyone who reviewed, this chapter is dedicated to you all. :)