Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. I just like humiliating her characters.

Chapter 26: Nut Bras & Wedgies

EDWARD

It was a breath of fresh air leaving Pete's house. It was a visit full of revelations, as well as a cluster-fuck of incongruous situations. After getting testicular-ly assaulted, I didn't think my day could get much worse…but of course, it did.

To my absolute mortification, my mother was the one to notice my run-in with that dangerously low-hanging, fast swinging ball sack of Pete's. I'd swear, had I been any closer, I might have gotten a concussion. Dude needed a nut-bra.

At least we walked away with some answers, and Bella seemed to have a solid plan moving forward.

Bella began walking back towards the graves, as she mentioned not wanting anything else to go wrong. In hindsight, she really shouldn't have tempted fate by commenting about anything else going wrong, but I couldn't really be bothered to worry about it at that point, since I was mesmerized watching the sway of Bella's ass cheeks, as she walked away from me. I stood there for a moment, just admiring the swing of her ass-etts, as she sashayed across the yard. It was hypnotic, watching as one cheek rose, while the other would lower. It was like a harmoniously choreographed ass-dance, flawlessly executed. It was ass-tacular!

"Hey, Ogle-ward, put your tongue back in your mouth, and let's go help the girl out," Emmett broke me out of my ass-induced trance.

"Uh…yeah, sure," I started for the graves as well, trailing right behind Emmett, so that I wouldn't get distracted again.

"Jesus, Emmett! Don't you know it's inappropriate to bust ass when someone's walking so closely behind you?" a familiar rotten-egg smell invaded my nose with its putrid essence, and it took everything in me to keep the contents of my stomach in.

"Wasn't me, dude. Whoever smelt it dealt it," Emmett shrugged as he continued walking.

The smell continued to engulf me, until I couldn't see straight. My vision blurred, and my body tensed. I was clenching my fists so hard I could feel my fingernails digging into the flesh of my palm. Something wasn't right. I felt a red haze of anger and evil rise within me, along with the bile in my throat. This was much more than just an Emmett fart.

Without any control over my actions, I watched like a spectator, as I picked up a large branch off of the ground and swung it violently at Emmett's head. He fell to the ground like a rag doll. I turned and felt my feet moving towards Bella before I even saw her. I watched in horror as a large branch fell, missing her by centimeters. Before I could even register what was happening, I had my arm wrapped tightly around her throat.

I couldn't stop myself. My mind was a cluster-fuck of thoughts, as I thought about how much I loved Bella and how I wanted to take her life away from her to keep her with me forever. I was at war with myself. Of course I loved her and wanted her to be with me forever, but something felt off. There was no sense to be made of that line of thought. If Bella were dead, I would never have her.

The light bulb went on over my head suddenly. Everything made sense now. I was no longer myself. I shared my body with a man who had the same level of love and adoration for Bella as I did, but with one minor difference…she returned my love, not his.

Once I realized why I had no control and such conflicting feelings within me, I gathered every last bit of energy I could grasp on to and started shouting in my head at the unwanted visitor.

She doesn't love you! Let her go, and you can be free!

I repeated the mantra over and over in my head, hoping to break through to the body-snatching asshat that I now shared a brain with. I could feel Bella's struggling lessen, as she began losing the battle to remain conscious. I could feel the conflicting feelings still swirling around in my head, and I could feel both Bella and myself losing the battle against the war we were waging against James. Worst of all, I could feel Bella's life slipping away at my hands, and there was nothing I could do about it.

Just as I gave up all hope of either one of us coming out of this alive, I felt a searing pain rip up the crack of my ass, as my underwear was pulled up and over my head. My grip on Bella loosened, and she toppled to the ground, as I struggled to see through the white cotton of my tighty-white's. Before I was successful, a very large fist connected with my face, launching me to the ground.

As I lay there, trying to shake away the little fairies that were flying around my head, I felt the hate and wicked thoughts leave my body, seeping out through every pore. I managed to remove my underwear from my head and reached down to make sure my scrotum wasn't ripped in half, 'cuz it sure felt like it was. It was all good.

"What the fuck did you think you were doing?" Emmett towered over me, anger radiating out of him like I'd never seen.

"It wasn't me!" I pleaded, as he fisted the front of my shirt and drug me to my feet. "It was James…he possessed me again, damn it!"

Emmett's eyes softened and he released my shirt. We both ran over to Bella, where my father was on the ground next to her, checking her vital signs. She was okay.

"Baby, I'm so sorry, you know I'd never-"

"Edward, it's okay. I know it wasn't you," she looked up at me with a peaceful, loving look that spoke volumes for how she felt about me.

"I'd never hurt you. I love you," I cupped her cheeks and tried to convey to her how I felt with my eyes as well.

"I hate to break up this Lifetime Movie moment, but could we get this shit done? I don't want to be possessed by another Russian chick and feel up Edward's nads again." Emmett looked like he was about to make street pizza at the thought of grabbing my boys.

"Yes, I'm fine. Let's get this done." Bella stood up and made her way back towards the graves. This time, I was right next to her, holding her hand.

"Emmett, I need you to pour the salt and gasoline over the bodies. Edward, I need you to get ready with the matches. And whatever you do, do not let your guard down," Bella started barking orders like a drill sergeant.

With a deep breath and a sigh, she opened the book and began reciting the spell backwards. It sounded like she was speaking a foreign tongue, the words sounding so different when read backwards. I looked around at the scene before me and observed Emmett dousing the bodies as instructed, while Carlisle, Esme and Rosalie stood huddled together, bracing each other with looks of worry etched on every single one of their faces. Jasper and Alice stood to the side of them, holding each other as well. Jasper stared worriedly at Alice, and she looked like she'd taken a trip on the ganja train again.

"Stop, Bella, it won't work," Alice spoke out, causing Bella to pause her reading.

"What do you mean it won't work?" Bella questioned.

"Victoria cast a counter-spell. It won't work," she said sounding resigned.

"Then how do we get around it?" I asked.

"Victoria's soul isn't at rest, either, otherwise the counter-spell wouldn't matter. Victoria just told me so." We all looked at Alice like she'd just grown a third head. "We need to put Victoria to rest, and then we can end this."

"Well, where in the hell do we find iron snatch?" Bella demanded rather loudly.

"She's buried across the street. Pete's been holding out on you."

A/N: Sorry, I couldn't resist having more fun with Pete.