Hi, sorry it's been 84 years. I've had a lot of issues going on lately, but I'm getting back up (I think?). I have the next 2 chapters 100% mapped out and just need to be written. It's all getting so close!

Noobz: sorry, I didn't get back to you. since you're on guest, I can't PM you. You can make a profile on here or message me on tumblr. username is the same.

38.5 Weeks

Lovino tossed his phone across the room with a groan. Antonio had been trying to reach him for a week and a half now. He didn't want to talk to him. What did he have to say that he didn't say that morning he'd gotten home after six hours of labor that had stopped? Antonio just waltzing in Lovino's apartment like he hadn't done anything wrong. Lovino didn't want to talk to him ever again. Antonio showed his true colors. He didn't care about him or Luca. If he did, he wouldn't have never shown up. He wouldn't have ignored Lovino's calls. He wouldn't have never shown up. He wouldn't have only texted a sentence after millions of texts. He only answered when Feli had taken the phone away from Lovino and threatened Antonio.

Antonio. God, Antonio. Lovino loved him. He wanted him. He was probably the most attractive man Lovino had ever seen in life. His body alone caused Lovino's heart to start racing. His face was so perfectly symmetrical, the photogenic bastard. His green eyes pulled Lovino's heart out of Lovino's chest. He had the friendliest smile. Kissing those laughing lips was to touch heaven. His curly brown hair was always a mess, but it fit him. It hugged his face. When Antonio held him in his arms he felt safe. Nobody could hurt him. Antonio's fingertips had the ability to set Lovino's nerves on fire. When their bodies pressed together, Lovino couldn't breathe. The sex was more than sex. It was passion. It was love. It was ascending to the heavens on a cloud with a chorus of angels singing. That was how Lovino thought of him.

Their conversations took Lovino to a place he'd never gone before. Antonio made him dig deep inside himself and hand over the treasure that was his heart. Lovino couldn't keep his guard up with Antonio. It was impossible. He used to think it was unshakeable as one of the queen's guards in London, unable to falter. Fool proof. And then Antonio came and in one night wooed the guard and poisoned him. Just like that, Lovino had been unable to keep himself from Antonio.

It was true what Feliciano and his father said. He wasn't brash or rude or mean. He was soft and kind and loving. He loved with his entire being if you were in. He was fiercely protective. He was sensitive and fragile. He'd locked that up one day in fifth grade when he held a boy's hand and kissed his cheek. He had been weak and from that day vowed he would never get hurt again. And then Antonio came into his life and shook him to the core. Now here he was, a sobbing mess on his best friend's couch with Antonio's baby growing inside him, ready to pop out at any moment and make his debut into the world. Everything he'd ever wanted, everything he'd worked for had burned in front of him right beyond his fingertips.

Where was Antonio?

Lovino had let his guard down for Antonio not knowing he was a wolf in sheep's clothing that would devour him and leave nothing but skeletal remains of what he once was while never once revealing that wolf. Lovino wanted to know that wolf. Why couldn't he know that wolf? Antonio had the choice to shed out of the wool into his true self. Lovino had once been so foolish to think Antonio wasn't hiding from him. He used to think that he knew everything about Antonio, but now that he was too far in, he'd discovered it wasn't the case. What did he really know about him? He cooked? He hadn't known he owned the restaurant. Why was he so elusive? Lovino was having his child and had never met his family. Did they even know? What was he doing? And yet…Lovino loved him. He knew these things and he loved him. He didn't even know if he knew him, but he loved him.

Oh god, he loved him…

Lovino brushed the tears off his face and pulled himself up off the couch. He needed to stop thinking about Antonio. He sighed. He wanted to go to church. He hadn't gone in so long. He was so scared. He could just hear the murmurs and feel the judging eyes. It had been bad when it had just been rumors. Now it was obvious. He chewed his lower lip and went to his room. He found something that looked church presentable

Lovino sat in his car, gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles. Members of the Parish were walking into the church, smiling and laughing as they talked to each other. Everyone in their Sunday best. The priest was standing at the door of the church welcoming everyone was they came in, sprinkling them with holy water if they asked. His eyes panned up to the large cross on the church. He played with the same one around his neck. The one Antonio had given him. The sky was blue and cloudless. He could hear birds chirping. He needed this. He took a deep breath and stepped out of the car. He stared at the ground, not daring to look up and see the looks and the whispers as he passed. He rushed past the priest, not making eye contact. He'd known the man his whole life, but he couldn't look at him. He sat in the pew furthest in the back. He kept his eyes on his feet. He could feel the tears pooling in his eyes.

This had always been his refuge. He had grown up here. Father Paolo had taught him English. He talked with him in Italian when he was younger to help Lovino to be able to express himself. Even in confession. Feliciano had been adored by everyone. He was adorable and talkative. He played a part in all of the plays even if he did often forget the lines. Lovino had been known for his silence and withdrawn nature. People looked on him with pity after his mother died. They thought he was scarred. They weren't wrong. They had seen him experience panic attacks on multiple occasions. Losing his mom, seeing what he had…It really did mess him up in a way. He'd been known as the quiet brother, the smart one. He had been seen as devout. Then he was sixteen and rumors of his sexuality spread. He became the talk of the parish. His father had almost thrown him out. And then the rumor that he was pregnant. Lovino had stopped going when his suit stopped fitting. He didn't want them to know.

People were glancing at him and talking. He could hear what they were saying. He could feel Luca inside him. He closed his eyes and focused on his Luca. If people wanted to judge him for bearing a child, let them. He was proud of Luca. He loved him. He swore he'd be the best father there ever was. Fuck what anyone thought or said. He had to be strong for Luca. He was here for God, for Jesus, for the Virgin and the saints and their love. He wasn't there to be a spectacle. He slid out from the pew and held his head up high as he walked toward the front. He could hear the voices, feel their eyes. He sat in the empty front pew. Nobody ever sat so close. Lovino had to sit there, to be brave for Luca. Plus it was the only way to not be distracted.

As mass went on, he felt the warmth washing through him. That strange comfort that his brother never understood. He could feel his mother close to him. She had told him stories almost eight years of his life. She'd been the one to teach him so much about the Bible. Listening to how he could be forgiven and have his sins washed away, that he was loved by something bigger than himself, that he was perfectly made, it was all so comforting. Lovino found himself engrossed. He hung on every word of the sermon. Luca's movements adding further to the effect of the Word. His eyes were glued to the front, his hands gripped the hymn and prayer books so tightly that nobody could pry them away.

Father Paolo paused. He glanced at Lovino and then at the parish. Lovino heard a small rumble through it. He could feel the eyes and he really didn't care. He wanted to be here. He was ready to give up every sin in his body and take the communion. Maybe he would just become a priest. He'd be focused on the Father alone and never worry about the temptations of the flesh. Of course he knew priests weren't perfect. They made mistakes. They were tested, tempted. But he felt as though being surrounded by the faith wholly and not in the world where sin was so prevalent, it'd be easier. He could go to a new place. He wouldn't have rumors following him. He'd give up all worldly possessions and take Luca with him. Could you be a priest if you had a kid? Lovino wasn't sure.

"Judge not, lest ye be judged." The father's voice boomed after the silence. Lovino's heart jumped. "These are the words of our Savior. Should we not ask ourselves every day what would Christ do? In every aspect of our life, we must strive to do the Christ-like thing. Yes, we'll stumble and fall. We are only human. Not one of us will ever be perfect. It is important to not judge one another. It is the responsibility of our parish, as brothers and sisters in Christ, to lift each other when we fall, help your brother or sister back to their feet, not trample them and push them down. We must forgive if we are to be forgiven. Think about this my dear parish."

Lovino was breathless. He could feel the tears pricking in his eyes. Words had never been so true. Maybe, maybe he should forgive Antonio and move on. Ignoring him was doing nothing good. Antonio was trying to contact him. Lovino knew Jesus would talk to him. In fact, he'd talk to him first because wasn't it the sinners who needed the most love? And he had sinned himself many times. So wouldn't it be wise to just let it go? To just give Antonio a clean slate like Confession? Yes, yes, he'd hear what he had to say. They could start over. They could a family. Yes. He would call him just as soon as Mass was over.

Lovino watched silently, longingly, at the procession of the members walking down the aisle of the pews and kneeling in front of the priest as he signed the cross on them. He placed the wafer on their tongue and handed them the wine. He brushed a tear away. He wanted so badly to go, but he couldn't. He hadn't gone to confession and he knew he had committed a mortal sin. He couldn't ever again in his life take communion. The thought pulled at him. He was unclean. He bit his lip as he tried to hold back. He remembered being in PRE classes and his mother helping him through. He was to take his First Communion the following May. Lovino had been so excited. His mother wasn't there to see it. He was silently happy she wasn't there to see his last at twenty.

Finally, the parish was dismissed. Lovino sat on the pew, staring on the lit candles. He wanted to wait for everyone to leave before he walked out. He winced slightly as a small practice contraction attempted to push Luca gently. His pelvis hurt so much lately. He knew Luca was low and engaged, but he never knew it would hurt like this. Sitting on the hard wood pew now, he realized it was painfully uncomfortable. He hadn't noticed before. He pushed himself up, a few tears pricking his eyes as Luca seemed to pressed harder down into his pelvis. Fuck, he just wanted Luca to come out already.

"Lovino, may I have a word?" Father Paolo asked, a smile on his face.

Lovino swallowed. He didn't want a lecture. He nodded and followed him into his office. Lovino couldn't himself from folding his arms on the back of the chair and leaning down at the waist. The position moved Luca's head away from his cervix. He let out a soft groan. He sat up when he heard the door shut firmly and the priest's footsteps walking toward him.

"Do you need anything? Are you starting labor? I'm sorry, I haven't seen it often." His voice was soft and concerned. It had always made Lovino's heart stop racing. It was soothing.

"No, no, sorry." Lovino cleared his throat and looked aside. "Just…he's engaged and low, so like he's pressing on my cervix and he's like literally in my pelvis and it's so uncomfortable. It's like my hips are going to split apart. God, it just…it hurts to be quite honest," Lovino responded, just barely above a whisper. He glanced up, hating the fact that tears were welling in his eyes. It hurt more than usual. Sitting on that wooden pew…

"Oh…well the miracle of childbirth is not without its aches and pains I'm afraid." The priest frowned as he sat down. He took a swig of water from a small bottle he kept on his desk. "I haven't seen you in…well since I founded you crying and praying in the pews. How are you doing?"

Had it been that long? He knew Father Paolo had gone on a relief trip to help a third world country with water and food distribution. He really couldn't remember Father Alexander leading mass. Lovino didn't know what to say. His mouth was dry. His body ached. He was so mad that Luca hadn't been born, that the labor had only pushed him so hard against his cervix and deep into his pelvis. Fuck, it hurt. He wiped away his tears.

"I'm almost done," Lovino whispered. He rubbed his belly with a warm smile and panned his eyes back to the man who had always been like a second father. "I'm almost thirty-nine weeks. I went into labor a week and a half ago and it stopped after six hours. It hurt so much. I wanted to cry the whole time, no I did. All I got to show for it is a baby lodged in my pelvis." Lovino huffed.

"Yes, I was thinking it was about time."

He offered Lovino a water and some chocolate. Lovino smiled and accepted graciously. He eased himself into the comfy, padded chair he'd sat in as a child waiting until his papa could pick him and Feliciano up. It was where he sat when he was a teenager who just needed a good cry and to feel safe. Father Paolo had given him a key back in those days, trusting him not to mess with anything or do anything inappropriate. He could still feel Luca, still the pain in his back and hips, but it wasn't as bad. He leaned back to get a bit more pressure off him. He nibbled the chocolate as the two shared a comfortable silence.

"I wanted to talk to you about a few things." Lovino nodded. "You didn't take communion today."

"No…I…" Lovino's voice trailed off. "I can't. Ever again. Never." Lovino's forehead wrinkled in confusion.

"Lovino, I've never met a more devout person that wasn't in the clergy than you. You're always so hard on yourself. You try to be this perfect person. Lovino, I know you pray and repent and beg for mercy. I've watched you for almost ten years cry and beg to be 'cured.' I watched the steps you took, the way you avoided boys your age, never looking up. You buried yourself in school and taking care of your brother and responsibilities at home. And you prayed. I never interrupted you, not until that day you'd been on your knees for almost a full day. Lovino…" Father Paolo rubbed his face. He looked so worn, so exhausted. "I know you repent and I can see this is not something that is a choice. Nobody suffers like that out of choice."

"I…but…I…" Lovino couldn't find the words.

"I spoke with bishops and cardinals about this situation. By the religion, you aren't gay. You have the capacity and ability and are giving life to a child. You can take communion after confession." Father Paulo smiled.

Lovino almost choked on his own saliva. It was against everything he'd known, been taught, read. Lovino couldn't understand. He was gay. He was a man and he liked men and who the fuck cared that he was having a child. Was he not already denied the body of Christ? Would that not be blasphemy? But here was a priest, a man he trusted, telling him otherwise. Lovino couldn't accept it. No.

"I can't…" he whispered. "I…I am gay. I'm a man and I…I like men. I am pregnant because I had gay premarital sex and I am on the verge of living in sin and I don't see a way around this because if I don't live with Antonio, if I don't fix our relationship and get married to him, if I don't raise my child with two parents, where would I go? I can't keep up this charade the Feliciano cooked up to get me $400 rent. I'm going to have my baby any day now. I just…" Lovino brushed off a tear and stared up at the ceiling. "And I still have sex with him. Almost every day and I love it. I know I shouldn't, but I do. It's this release and I don't feel so frustrated. I know you will never marry and you'll never have a child, but you get so turned on and you want it all the time. I don't feel guilty anymore. I just…I just want it. And I am not a good Catholic and I just need you to tell me that, not that I'm able to take in the body of Christ because I promise you that I will never risk tarnishing His body. Ever." Lovino was shaking. Father Paolo was quiet for a moment.

"My son, listen to me. You must remember, you are a human. You're not God. You will have temptations and you'll act on them. But your heart, Lovi, your heart is pure. Anyone who knows you will attest to that. If you feel you cannot take Communion…that is between you and the Lord. I have looked into things for you. In this situation, it's okay as long as Confession has been made. Marriages, baptisms, Lovino, we can do all of that." Father Paolo smiled, standing and walking to lean back against his desk. "He sure knows what he's doing."

"Baptisms?" Lovino head perked up. He sat up and nodded to himself. "I had this question. I want Luca baptized as soon as he can be. I wasn't sure if…but he can." Lovino let out a laugh. "We can we do it? Will you be there? I'd love to have a baptism party like so many families do. It would be so nice for Luca to be given things that he'll have along the way."

Lovino was so giddy. He could do as he planned. They discussed the particulars such as time. Lovino decided on Feliciano as his godfather. He just needed to talk to him first. Matthew, being atheist, was not allowed by Catholic law. Lovino wasn't sure Feliciano would be able to do that, but it was all he had at the moment. He didn't know Antonio's family and he sure as hell wasn't going to name a stranger a godparent to his sweet baby boy. He needed to know there would be guidance and love. Lovino thanked the priest and rushed out of the church ready to talk to Antonio.

Lovino paced through his apartment as the phone rang. His heart raced faster with every chime. What would he say? He hadn't talked to the man in a week and a half. Maybe Antonio had taken that as a breakup? He didn't want to think of that as a possibility. No, he'd talk to Antonio and everything would be okay, right? He cursed to himself as the call went to voicemail. This was the tenth time in an hour and he was sure Antonio was doing it on purpose, trying to teach him a "lesson." His blood boiled at the thought. How dare he? Lovino had every right to be angry at Antonio for not showing up, for not answering, for making excuses to miss the birth of their child. And the things for Luca's nursery still weren't in and Antonio had promised they'd be in. What would happen if he were to actually have Luca? He needed things to be ready.

The thought of not having things ready put Lovino on edge. He couldn't think about it. He didn't want to have a panic attack, not right now. He couldn't. What if he went into labor? That would not help things. Lovino leaned against a wall and took a few deep breaths. A few tears fell down his cheeks. He was anxious, scared, frustrated, in pain. The only good thing that had happened that day was the talk with the priest. Lovino pulled his phone out again and pulled Matthew's number up, texting him quickly. He just needed help.

Just texting Matthew calmed him a bit. He was going to try once more to reach Antonio. Once. Twice. Three times. Lovino could feel new tears falling down his cheeks. Why wouldn't he answer? He just needed him to answer. Just answer. They needed to sort whatever the fuck was going on. He needed to know they were on the same page.

"Hey, Lovino. I'm kind of busy at the moment," Antonio answered in an annoyed voice.

"Oh..." Lovino shifted. "I just…I thought…"

"You thought what?" Antonio snapped. "I'm sorry that I'm working my ass off to provide for you and couldn't make it until later. It's your first fucking child, Lovino. It's not like I'd miss it. I have shit I have to take care of."

"I…I was just, I'm scared." Lovino whispered, closing his eyes.

"I know, dios mio, I'm so sorry, Lovino," Antonio breathed. "I just, I don't know. I'm stressed I guess."

"Can we talk tonight?" Lovino asked with a trembling voice.

"Um…I'm actually kind of doing stuff with my friends. How's tomorrow morning? Or actually, I'll just come over to sleep tonight if you're not awake. Is that okay?" Antonio asked softly.

"Y-yeah. I mean…okay, yeah great." Lovino stammered unable to process.

"Okay. Have a great day, Lovino!" The call disconnected.

Children ran through the park laughing with joy. Older children soared through the air in their swings feeling the freedom of flying in the best way. They leapt from them laughing as they landed on the ground and ran to get back on. Some were swinging on the monkey bars, running to their mothers with big smiles when they got to the other side. The playscape was filled with laughter and shouts. It was the sound of the pure joy of innocence.

Lovino chewed his lip as he watched them, rubbing his belly absently. He couldn't believe that in a few short weeks, his baby would be born. He'd take him to the park. They'd go on walks. Antonio promised him a running stroller. He could take him when ran, ran away from the world. He'd never leave Luca behind. Luca was the only pure thing in his life. Luca had done no wrong. His heart longed to be able to hold him in his arms, to see his face. Soon. He couldn't wait.

"Hey," Matthew smiled sitting next to him on the bench, Alfred not far behind him. Alfred didn't sit down. His eyes were on the playground. Lovino could practically see his muscles twitching to go play. He was such a kid at heart.

"Hi," Lovino mumbled. He pushed himself up and offered a smile.

The plan had been to meet for lunch, but Lovino ended up at the park. He'd never been so aware of kids before in his life until he got pregnant. He actually really wasn't fond of them. He had always wanted to be a father, but he never knew why. He just longed for it and now he would be a mother. He hated that thought. The word made him feel strangely, but he was coming around to it. The more he read about pregnancy, the less the word caused him to cringe. Mother. It was used to describe the parent who carried a child. His blood nourished Luca, gave him oxygen and everything he needed to survive. His blood took away anything bad, all the waste from Luca so that Luca could just grow into a healthy baby. He could feel him growing and moving for the past nine months. He would give birth and feed him. He would love him like nobody else would. That's what the word meant to him. He didn't see it to mean a woman anymore. It was more of the action. He loved it, though he'd never admit it. He wasn't ready. Maybe one day.

Lovino's eyes flicked to Alfred. He really wanted to go play. The corners of his mouth twitched upward into a smile. These brothers…he didn't know where he'd be without them. He couldn't believe Alfred would be leaving soon. Who else was going to say stupid things and make him and Matthew give him disapproving looks while they were trying hard not to laugh? What people didn't realize was he could talk to them both about anything and they'd listen without judgement. He was different than Matthew though. Alfred could listen, but he wasn't able to give advice as easily as Matthew. He couldn't believe it had been three and a half years since he'd met him. Alfred had tried so hard to get Lovino to go out and have fun. The roommate who just wouldn't quit.

He remembered how they'd become friends. He'd set him up on a blind date and Lovino couldn't bring himself to blow the girl off. They had had a lot of fun. That was the first night Lovino had ever said he didn't think he liked girls that way. His date understood. Alfred had hounded him as soon as he walked in the door about how the date with his friend went. Lovino was trembling as the words left his mouth that he didn't like girls like that. He had closed his eyes and braced himself for the treatment he was so used to. When it hadn't come, Lovino opened his eyes and saw Alfred sitting on his bed, frowning at the floor. Lovino's breathing had quickened. Alfred looked up with a smile. "I know a guy I think you might like." They talked much of the night about Lovino being unsure of everything. Alfred listened intently through the whole thing. Lovino learned Alfred was as nonjudgmental as his older brother. They were a lot alike, so it was no wonder they'd become fast friends.

"Do you want to go play?" Lovino asked with a smile.

"Huh?" Alfred glanced back at him.

"Do you want to go play?" Lovino repeated.

"Well…I'm not going to ditch you guys." Alfred smiled. He glanced back with a sigh and plopped on the bench opposite Matthew beside Lovino.

"It'll be okay," Lovino coaxed.

"Nah, dude. I have to talk to you," Alfred frowned for a brief moment.

"So…" Lovino rubbed his palms on his track pants.

"I proposed to Emma," Matthew jumped in almost too quickly. "And I want you and Alfie as my best men."

"Oh," Lovino blinked. "Wow, I…" Lovino didn't know what to say. Emma and Matthew had been dating for little over a year. Lovino knew they were serious, but hadn't realized it was that serious. So much had changed he figured.

"So, what do you say?" Matthew smiled.

"Yeah, yeah, of course. I mean it does depend on Luca and stuff. I'm really not sure where Antonio and I will be. He's been weird. I don't know. Maybe it's that we were apart for so long and now we have to kind of rush everything because I'm about to pop." Lovino sighed.

"Dude, you could totally bring him with you!" Alfred beamed. "Right, Mattie?"

"Yeah," Matthew smiled gently. "Do you need to talk about what's going on with Antonio?" Lovino shook his head.

"No, not right now." Lovino stared at the kids playing for a moment. "I'm really happy for you, Mattie. Congratulations!" He smiled.

"Thank you," Matthew smiled. "I'm so excited. I know it may seem a little rushed, but I want Alfie there. I don't know if I could do it without…" Matthew trailed off, and rubbed his arms as if to jolt himself from negative thoughts.

"Which brings me to my thing," Alfred said rubbing the back of his head with a frown. He was avoiding eye contact. He always did that for bad news.

"Okay…" Lovino started.

"They're sending me to basic next week in South Carolina for sixteen weeks. Then I'm going to be home for two weeks and I'm getting sent out," Alfred sighed.

"Oh…" Lovino breathed.

"Tell him where." Matthew kicked at the dirt.

"I don't really know exactly where, but…" Alfred trailed off.

"Tell him," Matthew said, his voice barely audible.

"They said it'd be combat, so like warzone or something."

"What?" Lovino shook his head. "No. You can't. They can't. You…"

"I don't control my life anymore, Lovi," Alfred offered a weak smile with a shrug.

"So before he goes out, Em and I are getting married. Sometime in that two week window. He has to be there," Matthew's voice was almost desperate.

"Yeah…so your baby will be like three months old. That means he'll be cute and not all red and blotchy," Alfred laughed.

"Shut up," Lovino glared, pushing him off the bench.

"You know it's funny," Alfred laughed from the ground.

"So are we getting food or what?" Lovino asked, trying to pick himself up from the bench. Alfred jumped to his feet and pulled him up.

Lovino followed a few steps behind him as he processed the information. He just needed to talk to Matthew. He didn't want to do it here, so publically. He knew he'd start crying. He refused to cry in a park full of laughing children. He didn't want to spoil it. After all, you're only a carefree child once…right? He wasn't so sure. He didn't remember ever being carefree…except with Antonio those first few weeks.

Lovino sat in the familiar apartment he'd called home only a few short months ago. It was the same in many ways. The faux leather sofa and love seat were still positioned in an L shape along the walls. The entertainment stand still had the television standing on top serving its purpose for mindless entertainment. It was different though. The once neatly arranged video games and movies were not haphazardly thrown about the shelves. There was a coffee table in the center of it all with cup rings and crumbs from food. A half-eaten pizza was sitting in the center. Alfred's mark had been made. Lovino shuddered to think what his room was like. While Lovino and his brother were not known for their cleanliness, Matthew had insisted on training Lovino to be clean which had eventually succeeded. Training Alfred would be harder. Matthew had grown up with the guy and he was still a slob. Lovino was wary that even the Marines could fix Alfred's disgusting ways.

He hadn't examined the other rooms, but the apartment in general had Emma's touch. The couches now were accented with lovely throw pillows. Pictures hung on the walls. She had done a lot of decorating. The window were now covered with blue sheer curtains to brighten the room. It really was a good touch. There was a scent of lavender and vanilla throughout the home. Emma had definitely taken out the smell of two twenty-something males. There were candles on a stand on the kitchen counter behind the appliances. It felt homier.

Matthew was rummaging through the kitchen for something to make for dinner. Emma would be getting off of work soon and like a dutiful fiancé, he wanted her to come home to a hot meal. He hadn't been able to cook much before he started at Antonio's restaurant. Antonio had insisted on teaching everyone to cook. He really did have passion for it. He made cooking into art giving the name culinary arts justice. At the thought of his boyfriend's cooking he began to crave it. Nothing in particular, just something delicious. He shouldn't be hungry, but he found himself wanting to eat more and more now that Antonio was getting him back into the habit of eating a healthy amount.

Lovino closed his eyes and leaned back against the couch relishing the cool softness of the material. He had never quite appreciated it before. He usually sat on the floor while he had his books and notes sprawled out before him with highlighters randomly placed. Matthew would be doing his thesis on his laptop lounging on the couch ready to help Lovino at any time the need arose. He had started as Lovino's tutor and while they had become so close in the time after, Matthew still tutored his friend. Lovino longed for those days. Things had been so much simpler. He wished he'd never given Antonio the time of day, let alone sleep with him. He wasn't sure he'd change anything about that night if he were able to go back even if claimed that he would to anyone who would listen. The truth was it had been a great night. He was starting to remember it lately. Just being around Antonio and longing for what they had had dug up what his drunken stupor and hid away. The main reason he wouldn't change it was Luca. He had changed for the better through this experience.

Matthew plopped on the couch next to Lovino suddenly and pulled out his phone. He grinned at him as he pressed the buttons. Lovino had never noticed how Matthew's eyes weren't a solid color. The blue flecks caused a mosaic to build their violet shade. He was noticing a lot more these days since he didn't have school to distract him and he was a little more prepared for the arrival of Luca.

"I gave up trying to find something to cook. You wanted to talk about things and I'm just really at a loss when I looked. I'm just ordering a pizza," Matthew explained as he hit the green button that would send the call. Lovino nodded in response.

He wanted to take a nap, but he did want to talk. Matthew would listen. He would always listen. Lovino was really questioning on where he and Antonio stood. He questioned the relationship. Antonio was distant. He was saying things that Lovino found suspicion and he was lying. He really couldn't stand it anymore. He wanted Antonio to be open with him. He never shared what he was thinking. Lovino knew there was something going on. What if Antonio was only staying because Lovino was pregnant? It hadn't been the first time the thought had crossed his mind. Things weren't the same as they were. They hadn't been able to just pick up where they'd left off. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. Antonio picked fights over the littlest things and Lovino couldn't say he was innocent in their fighting, but he felt that he had reason to be emotional. He was about to go into labor at any minute. He was so close. He was terrified of it now. Now he seemed to be preoccupied with everything but Lovino and their child. Antonio had left him to do it alone. He could never forget that. He couldn't do it alone. Of course he could call Matthew, but the image in Lovino's mind was that Antonio would be the one at his side.

"So what's on your mind?" Matthew asked tucking away his phone. He turned his body to face Lovino to give him full attention.

Lovino shifted. Where should he start? He didn't even know what to say without sounding petty. He didn't want to look like a fool in front of him. He'd sat there and cried his eyes out telling him how much Antonio had hurt him by walking out. How many nights had Lovino stayed up talking to Matthew about how he felt about Antonio? What would he think if he knew what was really going on in Lovino's mind?

"Lovi?" Matthew pressed.

"I don't…" Lovino tugged on the sleeve of his hoodie. "I really don't know where to begin…"

"Well the beginning's always a good start," Matthew laughed gently.

"Right," Lovino took a deep breath. "So I'm really worried about the future. I shouldn't have left him and then come back at this time. Antonio, I mean. It's not the same as before. It used to be so easy. It was carefree. We were in love and I didn't want to admit it, but we were. I look back in pictures and even my own memories and things are so nice. Now…" Lovino sighed. "Now it's like we don't even know each other. He gets so defensive over the littlest things. I know they're not little to him I guess, but it's frustrating. We fight so much. We can't agree on a single thing. Do you know the only times we get along fully is when we're having sex or cuddled up to watch a movie?"

"Of course it was easier and better back then," Matthew started when Lovino didn't continue. "Everything is fresh and exciting. It's that way with every new relationship. You and Antonio never had that gradual process of the honeymoon phase drifting off. It happens and that's okay. Relationships aren't fluid. You can go back and forth, but the honeymoon phase is the worst to be honest. I think it tends to blind one to the real life situation. See in that phase you find the person to be so wonderful and perfect. Then you find out they have flaws. There may be this one little thing that just drives up a wall that they do, but you learn to accept it and get over it. You understand that you're not perfect yourself and you realize it's unfair for you to hold impossible expectations of the other person because you both have things to work on. You and Antonio went honeymoon phase to break up to really serious really fast."

"Yeah, but I don't think it's healthy to be arguing about so much. Like he picks the smallest things. I don't know why. He's always picking things and I can't deal with it. Now like this," Lovino motioned to his abdomen. "I don't know what's going on. I don't feel like I can breathe."

"Do the two of you discuss things?" Matthew questioned.

"He asks me questions about things and I answer him. He gets upset with the answers because I've given everything so much thought and I've made my decisions."

Matthew nodded thoughtfully as he thought. Lovino watched him wondering what exactly he was thinking. He was so nervous. He hated that he always seemed to be going to Matthew whining about whatever thing was going on in his life. He was such a child. He shouldn't even be there. Matthew had bigger thing to worry about than Lovino's drama. His life lately was like a soap opera.

"Lovino, I think that's the problem. You're not including him. You're telling him how it's going to be."

"It's my body, Matthew," Lovino defended. "He shouldn't have a say over what I can and can't do. If I want a natural birth, I should be allowed that. If I don't want medication or an epidural because my child getting my endorphins is more important to me, then that's my decision. If I want to breastfeed, why shouldn't I? See those are things he talks about. I'm not going to let him tell me what to do with my body." Lovino huffed.

"Well true, he shouldn't have a say over those things, but maybe he's talking about those things because he just feels like he has no say in anything, so he picks on everything. What does he say about your choices for birth and stuff?" Matthew asked gently.

"He says that doing it naturally is dangerous because babies aren't supposed to come out from there. I told him I've done research and talked to people who've had children this way and Dr. Evans wouldn't let me do it if it was discouraged. I mean," Lovino picked at the couch. "I know it'll be horrible and I'll have to be in the hospital a week after because gastroenterology has to clear me and they need to see how everything with the anal canal and sphincters work in case I need surgery. I'm okay with that. Then he tells me I shouldn't torture myself with birth like this without an epidural. I'm like what? I'm more concerned about my son than myself. I can cope. How does a baby cope, Matthew? How? They don't. And then for the breastfeeding thing, he just thinks it's weird."

"It sounds like he's worried about you," Matthew told him.

"Okay, so maybe." Lovino rolled his eyes.

"Those little things that can be discussed should be discussed. Things like living arrangements. If you're living separately, who does Luca stay with?"

"Me," Lovino interrupted. "Always me. I'm his goddamn mother and I'll damned if he takes him away from be after doing nothing but going out and fucking everything that moves. No, fuck no."

"Okay, Lovino, I'm not saying that. I mean like what is the custody arrangement? What kind of parenting the two of you want, which is so important that you're consistent. I know you picked the name, but maybe discuss the middle name. There is so much to discuss and you have to be open. Lovi, you're still so angry at him and you have to let that go or this is never going to work. You are both so defensive. He's angry at you. You're angry at him. Do you want Luca coming into the world with his parents in this weird love hate relationship? Of course not. So one of you needs to step up and be the one who says you know what, this is a problem and we need to address it. That's where you start." Matthew rubbed Lovino's back.

"How do I stop being mad at him?" Lovino whispered as tears started to pour down his face. "He lies to me constantly. I was in labor and he lied to me about being at work. You told me he wasn't there. He's on his phone and he tells me it's work, but who's texting him about work at two in the morning? He's sneaking around and I just know he's cheating. I looked at his phone, Mattie. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. He's talking to Francis about how I'm so horrible. What did I do? I'm just trying so hard to make this work and he's not even making an effort. He doesn't even want to fuck me! I don't trust him. We can't talk. He doesn't listen to me. He's always off doing something. He leaves me at home by myself to go out to the bar or club and I don't know where he goes after that. He doesn't come back, so I don't know. I just don't know. I don't know. I do not know."

Lovino fell apart into sobs that wracked his entire body. Matthew hugged him. He cried into his friend's chest. He didn't know what was going to happen. He knew that his baby would be born soon. He could literally come at any time now that he was technically term. When Luca decided he wanted to move out, things would start. And he had no idea what would happen. He wanted Luca to have two parents who were stable and in love and who loved him and had the same goal, but he wasn't so sure it was going to work that way.

He let himself match his breathing with Matthew's. His heart beat in such a steady rhythm. Lovino closed his eyes. The music on him was perfect. Lovino allowed himself to melt into him. Matthew's arms were wrapped tightly around him, protecting him from everything bad that had ever happened. He breathed him in. He smelled of cinnamon sugar and clean laundry soap. It was so comforting. Matthew's hand was rubbing his back slowly, his cheek resting a top Lovino's head. He was murmuring sweet things to him. Everything Lovino wanted. Lovino looked up at him. Matthew stared back, his violet eyes soft and caring.

Lovino pushed himself to sit up. He wrapped his arms around Matthew's neck. Matthew's arms pulled him by the waist closer to him. Lovino's hands slipped toward his jaw and his lips pressed against Matthew's. His lips were soft and warm. Lovino pressed himself against him. It felt so right. Why had never thought of Matthew before? He was perfect. The most caring person he ever knew. He was so patient. He loved him. Why hadn't he…

Matthew pushed him away, a shocked look on his face. Because Matthew was straight. Because Matthew was in love with Emma. Because Matthew was getting married. Because you're not supposed like your best friend. The realization floor Lovino. He had kissed Matthew. He had kissed him. For a moment, he wanted to be with him. Lovino couldn't breathe. Tears fell from his eyes. What was he doing? Why?

"I'm so sorry," Lovino whispered, cowering the edge of the couch opposite from Matthew. "I…It's…I…"

"It's okay," Matthew let out a soft laugh. He smiled softly as Lovino brushed off his tears with his sleeve. "You're upset and vulnerable. I get it. Let's just watch a movie until Emma gets home, or do you want to talk some more?"

"A movie would be nice," Lovino sniffled.

He watched Matthew browse through Netflix and put on their favorite movie. Lovino was surprised and Matthew wrapped his arm around him and told him to lay down. God, what would he do without his best friend? Before Lovino knew it, he'd fallen asleep.

Okay, well I hope you enjoyed it.

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