Chapter 26: Harder to Breathe

Chapter soundtrack song: "Harder to Breathe" by Maroon 5.

Mad love to my new Beta, Mia!

A week later, Brittany and Santana sat at Brittany's kitchen table, two envelopes sitting in front of them.

"Open yours first, Santana," Brittany suggested, biting her nails.

"No, you first, Britt," Santana hedged, eyes flickering between the envelopes and Brittany. "That way when you get in, I'll be happy and if I don't, I won't be as sad."

"Okay, we're not playing the 'you first' game. Let's do it at the same time," Brittany determined.

They eyed the letters. They were both standard, thin, white envelopes.

"Do you think it's a bad sign they're both skinny envelopes?" Santana frowned. "If we got in, don't you think they would have sent a bunch of registration paperwork for us to fill out?"

Brittany bit her lip. "Well… if we didn't get in, at least we both didn't get in?" she offered.

"Only one way to find out," Santana said with a shrug, picking up the envelope addressed to her.

Brittany picked hers up too. "One, two, three," she chanted. They tore open the letters, holding their breath as they scanned the text.

Santana began mumbling frantically, her eyes darting back and forth. "…. After reviewing your transcript and your…"

"..letters of recommendation…." Brittany joined her frantic mumbling and chanting, until together they read:

"… pleased to offer you a spot in the Boston College Class of 2016!" they ended in a shout, eyes wild with excitement, hands trembling, pulling the papers taut.

"A package containing your registration materials will be mailed to you at the end of the week!" Brittany finished.

"Britt, we're going to college together!" Santana shouted, slamming her hands down on the table and jumping up from her seat.

"Together!" Brittany echoed.

They hugged and squeezed and squealed and jumped just like they had when New Directions won Sectionals for the first time. When their feet finally settled on the ground, Brittany put her head on Santana's shoulder. "Mmm, Santana, I could never get through college without you," she murmured, giving her one last firm squeeze.

"Of course you could, Britt. It just wouldn't be as fun," Santana said as they pulled away.

"Did I just hear that my baby got into college?" Mrs. Pierce burst into the kitchen, arms extended towards Brittany, a huge smile plastered on her round, made-up face. Brittany gave an exaggerated, elated nod, falling into her mother's arms.

"Oooh, congratulations, Britt-Bee!" Vickie cooed, rocking her daughter back and forth, hand on her daughter's head. Santana watched them with a smile. The Pierces were such warm people.

Vickie looked up at Santana. "Get your behind over here too, Santana," she said, beckoning with her hand. Santana joined Brittany in Vickie's arms, allowing herself to be rocked back and forth.

"I am so proud of both my girls," Vickie murmured.

Santana set her head on Vickie's shoulder and met Brittany's eyes, resting above Vickie's other shoulder. Both her girls, Santana thought to herself, and she felt something flicker warm in her ribcage. They smiled at each other, glowing with contentment and relief that they would be spending the next four years just as they had spent the last eight months

Santana picked through her Chinese takeout, annoyed that she was once again being forced through the pretense of having "family dinner" when all her parents ever did was sit and read.

"So Santana, now that you're into college, what will you do until August?" asked Antonio. Santana was pretty sure he wasn't actually that interested in hearing Santana's answer.

"Hopefully not much," she shrugged.

"How is that singing group going?" Antonio asked without glancing up from his journal article.

"Glee Club? It's great. We've been rehearsing nonstop for Nationals, which is in a few weeks. Everyone's really excited."

Antonio and Dolores nodded disinterestedly over their plates.

Santana was frustrated by their feigned interest in her life. If she was going to be forced to sit and have dinner with them, they could act like they cared. She wanted to do something to shake them awake.

"I'm really excited about the GSA, too," Santana tested. "It's been great to have all that support."

"What's a GSA?" Antonio asked, taking a sip of water.

"The club I told you about a few weeks ago. The club for gay and lesbian students and their friends. The one Brittany and I started." Santana had no idea where this boldness was coming from, but there was something in her gut forcing her words out that she couldn't control.

"Why do those people need their own club?" Dolores criticized. "Don't they just want to be treated like normal people?"

Santana burned. Those People. Normal People.

"Well, actually, we meet and talk about how we can educate people and promote understanding. And how to deal with family stuff."

"If the families had done their job right, those people wouldn't have ended up like that in the first place," Dolores informed her beef and broccoli.

"We,Ma.We were born gay and it has nothing to do with our families."

"You're not gay, Santana," Dolores said decisively. "This phase will pass. You should spend more time with that nice boy you were seeing. What's his name again?"

"Puck?" Santana sneered.

"Yes, him. I always liked him," Dolores nodded. "Nice boy."

"You met him once, mom, when he came by to pick up his belt after he left it here the night before. And that 'nice boy 'got my friend pregnant behind his best friend's back. And he was arrested for stealing an ATM."

"Well, you know boys…" Dolores dismissed.

"Really, Ma? You want me to spend time with someone like Puck because you think it will make me less gay?" Santana challenged, her tone icy and critical.

"But Santana, querida, you're not gay," Dolores insisted.

"Oh, really," Santana scoffed. "How do you know?"

"Because you are too pretty," Dolores said, waving her hand. "You have no trouble finding boys."

"Yeah, I know, Ma, I have no trouble. The problem is I have no desire. I'm in love with Brittany and she's the one I want," Santana said with indignation. "We went to Prom together as a couple."

"Santana, everyone feels very close to their girlfriends. Brittany is a good girl. I'm sure she understands your friendship. You're lucky she doesn't run away from all this nonsense."

"No, Ma, she's not just a good friend! I love her. I love holding her hand and going on dates and kissing her and sleeping in her bed all things other couples do," Santana curled, her fists balled up at her sides. "And you know what? She likes those things too!" she spat.

"Ay, I said before, Santana, no me diga!"

"You're a bigot!" Santana yelled as she stood up from the table.

"Ay, ¿qué hice para merecer esto?" Dolores sighed, glancing upwards.

"Please, Santana, sit down," her fathered murmured.

"No! Why would I want to sit and pretend to have a nice family dinner when Mom won't even entertain the idea that maybe I know what I'm talking about when it comes to my own feelings!" Santana ranted.

Antonio didn't respond.

"And you!" Santana turned on him, "You just sit there and listen to all the awful things she's saying to me and pretend that your stupid journal article is more important. Well this, just, in, dad, it's not!"

"Don't speak to us that way, Santana," Antonio said softly.

"Tell her that!" Santana shook, tears welling up. "She's the one telling me who I am!"

"Santana!" Dolores scolded. "This is inappropriate for the dinner table. Sit down. No more of this nonsense."

Santana felt something in her ribcage again, but this time it wasn't a warm flutter, but a conflagration that threatened to overtake her body at any second. Santana looked at her mother, her chest heaving. "I hate you!" she screamed.

Santana stormed out of the house, her vision blurred with tears and her chest constricted with rage. Realizing she didn't have her keys, she simply ran the mile and a half to Brittany's house.

Santana knocked on the Pierce door in desperation. She gasped in relief when Brittany answered.

"Santana! Hey – what – baby?" Brittany's face flashed into four different expressions within two seconds of opening the door.

Santana knew she must look awful, hair wild and windblown, cheeks streaked with tears, sweaty and panting from the run. But she didn't care. She fell onto Brittany, who held her firmly as she shook with sobs.

"Baby, what happened?" Brittany asked.

"I hate her!" Santana cried. "I hate her so much!"

"Who?" asked Brittany, smoothing Santana's hair.

"My mom!" sobbed Santana. "She's such a monster!"

Brittany didn't say anything, just kept smoothing Santana's hair and holding her. She made some soft hushing noises into Santana's ear. "It's okay, baby. It's okay."

Santana pulled away, wiping her face. She took a few shaky breaths. "It's not okay, Britt. She kept calling us 'those' people and she told me I didn't know what I was talking about. She's a horrible bigot and I hope she rots in hell."

Brittany held Santana's shoulders for a moment before speaking. "Santana, you don't mean that. You don't want your mom to rot in hell."

Santana sighed shakily. "No," she admitted. "I'm just really, really angry."

Brittany looked at her and nodded. "You're allowed to be really, really angry. Come inside." Brittany put her arm around Santana, ushered her through the door and walked her to her bedroom.

Brittany closed her bedroom door as she led Santana over to the bed and sat her down on the edge. She knelt and took off Santana's shoes, setting them next to each other by the nightstand. She picked up her hairbrush and crawled onto the bed, sitting behind Santana. She brushed the wildness out of Santana's hair, listening as Santana's sniffles died down. When she had finished, she put down the brush and scooted forward, placing one leg on each side of Santana so they hung off the bed. She wrapped her arms around Santana's torso and rested her chin on her shoulder.

"I wish they could be happy for me," Santana choked, her voice squeaking as new tears came to the surface.

"They will be someday, Santana. They will," Brittany hummed

Santana shook her head, disbelieving as she wiped her cheek.

"I know it hurts, baby," Brittany said.

That made Santana flare up a bit. There was no way Brittany knew how much she was hurting. "Do you, Britt?" she asked coldly. "Because I never saw you hurt this bad when you told your family."

Brittany was quiet for a moment. "Don't be afraid, sweetheart," she murmured. "You're safe here. My parents think of you as one of their own."

Santana sighed. "That's great and all, but you came out to your family and practically got a parade… I just got a big plate of shut the fuck up. It sucks."

She felt Brittany's arms twist a little around her waist and felt guilty. She took a breath, slowing down. She was attacking the one person who hadn't done anything wrong. "I'm sorry, Britt," she mumbled. "I don't want to be mad at you for having an awesome family. I love them too. But it's hard not to be a little jealous sometimes."

Brittany held Santana tighter. Seconds passed.

"What are you thinking?" Santana asked. She was worried she had hurt Brittany's feelings.

Brittany smiled into Santana's hair. "That you've gotten really good at talking about feelings," she said.

Santana let out a sad chuckle, feeling some tension in her chest release. "Yeah," she said, still a little shaky, but smiling. "It must be from hanging out with those wacky Pierces." She leaned back, tilting her head onto her girlfriend's shoulder. Brittany squeezed her tightly as she nuzzled into Santana's neck. After a few minutes, Santana exhaled and felt the fire in her chest extinguish.