Stage 25: Hot And Cold

The walk back to my cell was painful.

But it wasn't in a way that I'd ever experienced before whilst making the journey. I could remember the physical agony I'd been in with my hand whilst returning from the Punishment Game. Other times, throughout my weeks of training, my body ached deeply and felt exhausted from the stain I'd been put under all day. However, now I was in another kind of discomfort, one that attacked me mentally as opposed to physically.

What to do? I was going to lose.

I was so happy when my bed gave me something to collapse onto. All the positive thoughts that I'd been building up over the past months were quickly seeping away to leave me cold as ice and isolated from any feelings of happiness. The experience of fighting in the Carnival Corpse, and then the subsequent Punishment Game, were coming back to me. Everything was returning…

I placed my hands over my eyes, threw back my head and screamed, a scream that turned into a whimper, a whimper which melted into tears.

Why was I here? How had I been so stupid as to allow myself to do what I'd done? Because of my actions, I was in this prison, about to fight for my life against someone who undoubtedly wouldn't hesitate to kill me if the situation called for it.

Why can't you be like the other Jana Rizuku? My mum's voice filled my head as I remembered one of her lectures, the repeated line that hurt more and more each time it was spat in my direction. I wasn't good enough- I needed to change my interests, my very hobbies, my very self, before she would pay attention to me. All throughout my life, I'd constantly been compared, pushed down and dragged up. It wasn't the time to begin thinking of such things, though I couldn't help but feel a deep regret, a sense of inferiority. If only I could just flush everything from my mind and go with my impulses.

Yes, that might work… If I could just forget everything and act on my impulses, then surely I would be able to survive. I had to become like the other prisoners, like Crow- hard, instinctive, animalistic. Yet the memories had almost become entwined within my being- there was no way to abolish them. And besides, my recollections of times before this place contained some of the best of my life, so why would I want to discard them? Maybe there was a balance, a way to become engulfed in the frenzy of Deadman Wonderland in a way that I would keep on living, but still retain my humanity. Could I pull it off? Me, the failure?

I would go down fighting for it- that much I knew.

My body was covered in a thin layer of sweat, despite the fact that the air in the cell wasn't particularly hot. In any case, it was uncomfortable, so I unfastened the upper half of my uniform, sat up and pulled it down to my waist. After a moment's pause though, I remembered that I was wearing trousers underneath, so slid the prison suit off completely. Despite the fact that it was made from a relatively light, yet resistant, material, the amount of heat it trapped was huge- the relief of my skin coming into contact with cool air was immediate.

Before sitting down again, I reached under my bed and pulled out a small notepad and ballpoint pen. Convicts were granted the right to bring a single comfort item to the prison, and whilst others had chosen, lockets, photos and even stuffed animals, mine was a simple collection of white pages, bound together in a glossy spotted cover, the kind of pad you could find at any local newsagent. Each sheet was plain and untouched, beautifully crisp and without blemished.

I didn't pause to consider what to do. The nib of the pen seemed to travel across the page with surprising ease, despite the fact that I rarely used ink to draw. It took a few moments before I could find the right body position, but once by back was against the wall, my legs were bent in front of my face and my notepad was resting on the top of my thighs, I found I could sketch easily.

After a small amount of careful experimentation, I realized that I was able to create different line thicknesses by adjusting the angle of the nib, much like a pencil. It didn't provide as much freedom of course, though once I began applying the technique, the whole drawing became more lifelike at once. A smile was tugging at the edges of my lips, one that I wasn't aware of until I found myself grinning down at my work.

A girl's face met my eyes, looking out at me from the page of the notepad. Though the sketch was mediocre and didn't perfectly reflect the person from my mind, it was close enough to serve as a painful reminder of the one memory that I would hold onto until the end.

"Mitsuki Aria." My lips uttered her name of their own accord. If I were to fight, it would be for her- nobody else mattered to me as much.

Slowly, I lowered the pen and slumped back against the wall, staring at my knees for lack of anything else to watch. The Carnival Corpse was tomorrow, and I needed as much sleep as possible, though I found it difficult to rest, since my mind was racing and could only think of that one person.

Somewhere in the corridor, a door opened and clicked shut, and then footsteps sounded against the ground. For a moment I thought they were going to stop at my cell, but they simply passed by and subsequently faded away. As for me, I hugged the notepad into my chest and closed my eyes, waiting for my senses to close themselves down and sleep to arrive.

In other words, waiting for the Carnival Corpse to begin.

I was watching Deadman Wonderland with my sister the other day (I've seen the Japanese version before, but since she only watches dubs I'm rewatching it in English with her. It's actually quite good! Eric Vale does a good job of Tamaki.), when I just thought, NOOOO! I HAVEN'T WRITTEN THE NEXT PART OF DREAMWEAVER FOR AGES! Yes… It was a strange sight, right in the middle of an episode, for me to start spazzing out and grabbing my notepad, etc. So, there I was, scribbling away about Jana whilst trying to watch Ganta running through the vents with Shiro and Yoh. And yes, we are only up to episode 3. e_e

5 parts out of 6 of my story are done. I'm really excited about writing this last part- it's been something I've been building up to for 25 chapters. And sorry the description of Jana's feelings was a bit crappy in this part, but I hope to get everything straight in the next bit. Everything will be revealed…

You have no idea how long I've been wanting to say that. :D

Please leave comments, reviews, your honest opinion of the story. I want to make the last part the best and most epic, and I can only do that with the help and support of others.

Until next time, people!

Lei x