Chapter 26: So Long
"Spencer!"
Eyes still locked on the open cell phone, ears intensely listening to the sound of Paula's screaming, Spencer reaches over with her trembling fingers and flips it closed.
Air expels from my lungs as my head falls to her chest. My eyes close instinctively, as if to shut out the seriousness of this situation. I just need a moment. A few seconds of silence. My forehead presses so hard against her chest and my arms tighten around her frame. We are impossibly close and yet not close enough. Right now, I would only be satisfied if I could crawl inside her skin.
Parents just don't understand!
I feel my body tense as the familiar ringtone echo's through my moment of silence. There is a slight movement from Spencer before I hear the the phone being opened and snapped shut again.
My nose presses and drags between her breasts before my chin settles on her chest. Her glossy eyes are focused on the ceiling. I want to be strong for her. Deep down, I know that I'm going to need to be strong for both of us. But the site of her fighting back tears causes the tingles in my heart to drop to my stomach as I suddenly feel a wave of nausea.
Parents just don't understand!
I'm jolted up with force as Spencer lunges toward the phone. I watch in shock as she aggressively grabs it, cocks her arm back, and launches it across the room. My body recoils at the sound of plastic and metal shattering against the wall and falling to the wood floor.
"Are you alright?" I whisper, unsure as to why I'm whispering. It just seems like anything louder than this octave would break her beyond repair.
She grabs fists full of comforter as she covers herself protectively while curling herself up against the headboard. Away from me. Away from touching any part of me.
"Spencer?" I reach out to put a hand on her knee but she flinches and moves away even further.
I dip my head trying to get her to look at me but she doesn't cooperate. I sigh and after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, I scoot to get out of bed. I search the room for our discarded clothing. I'm frustrated. This is worst thing that could have possibly happened to us. Spencer isn't ready to fight for us. I feel an overwhelming need to comfort her but she has shut down. I want to be her strength, but she won't let me. I don't want to entertain the thoughts going through my head. The ones that are telling me that she doesn't care enough about me or our relationship to tell her parents to fuck off.
I find Spencer's pants and throw them at her a little bit too angrily. That earns me a death glare. I roll my eyes and throw on the track pants and t-shirt I had initially planned on wearing before Spencer seduced me. Our sexy romp in bed flashes through my memory for a split second before Spencer's voice fills the room.
"Why did you have to do that?" Her voice is accusing and I'm not sure what she is blaming for.
"Do what?" I say with little conviction. I pick up her shirt and toss it to her with less force.
She pulls the article over her head as she speaks. "Do all that stuff when I was on the phone."
And when her shirt is secured in place, our eyes finally meet. She looks a little more timid than angry now. But I know my expression is less than soft. I'm getting angrier by the minute. She is saying this is my fault? Please. "Why didn't you hang up the phone?!" I turn away and wince at the venom laced in my question.
I hear rustling of the covers, feet on the floor, the sound of denim against skin, and a zipper before Spencer walks passed me muttering, "Take me home."
There has been no conversation. Spencer hasn't even shifted in her seat. I know... I've been stealing glances whenever possible. I wish I had the words to make this better but I've never been good at talking. I have a bad feeling in my gut. That as soon as I drop her off, we are over. And that has me racking my brain frantically for something to say.
"Are you sure you're ready to go home?" My voice surprises me at how timid`it is.
"No." She finally adjusts a little while sighing. "But I don't really have a choice now, do I?"
Reaching a red light, I bring the car to a stop and reach over to rest my hand on her thigh. At least she didn't flinch this time. "We'll get through this together, Spencer."
She mumbles something that I can't decipher. I squeeze her thigh lovingly before grabbing the gear shift when the light turns green.
More awkward silence and the weight in my chest is getting heavier the closer we get to her house. "I didn't catch what you said back there." I'm really just searching for some sort of discussion. I need to hear her say something positive. Anything that will let me know that she is in this with me.
"It was nothing." She reaches forward and turns the radio on. Loud.
Fuck. Fuck this. Fuck her mom. Fuck my life! I abruptly switch lanes, almost causing a Hummer to roll, as I turned into a strip mall, screech into an open parking space, and cut the engine.
"Are you crazy?!" Spencer screams as she turns to face me.
I throw off my seat-belt and launch myself halfway over the center console. My hands find residence in her hair, fingers grasping tight as I force our foreheads together intensely. "Yes.", I breathe out. Her eyes flutter around before anchoring to mine. "I'm crazy about you." I urgently capture her lips. If she won't let me talk to her, I'm going to force her to listen to this.
I explore every part of her mouth. Her teeth, the inside of her cheeks, underneath her tongue... Ever. Single. Inch. I'm telling her that this belongs to me. I belong to her. It's passionate and unhurried. Sweet, soft, and full of love. We ignore the honks and whistles coming from outside of the vehicle as we lose ourselves in each other. This moment. Our moment. And as I feel her hands against my chest, the pressure she is applying, creating distance between us, I keep my eyes closed and wonder if this will be the last moment.
"Ashley..." Don't do it.
I shake my head, silently urging her not to continue.
"I can't..." Why?
My hand interrupts her sentence as it covers her mouth. I still haven't opened my eyes. I can't look at her. I can't handle this. I'm the one that can't. Can't deal with her pushing me away. Can't deal with her not loving me. Can't deal with rejection. Can't deal with her insecurity. Can't deal with her cowardliness. She CAN do this, but she's choosing not to.
She pulls my hand down from her face. "Just take me home."
"No!" I say stubbornly. My eyes open and meet hers challengingly.
"No?" Did I stutter?
"No." I sit back into my seat, rubbing at my knees that suddenly hurt. Damn those consoles are painful. "You don't get to do this."
"Do what?" She says with exhaustion as she straightens her shirt and sits facing forward.
"Run away from me."
"Ashley, I'm not running away." Her elbow finds the window and she runs her hand through her hair in frustration. "I just need time to think."
I open the car door, hop out, and slam it shut before saying bitterly, "That's code for 'It's over'!"
I watch as Spencer opens her door, hops out just as pissy, and slams it shut. "You ARE crazy!"
It doesn't even phase me that us shouting at each other from opposite sides of the car is causing a scene and attracting an audience. We are in an incredibly intense situation; focused only on each other. The world outside of ours is non-existent at this point. "I'm Crazy?! Spencer let me refresh your memory." I place both hands on the window as I lean forward as if it is going to drive the point home even more. "You're straight. You're gay. You kiss me. You're straight. You can't be with me. You CAN be with me. You love me. And now you need time to think? What the hell, Spencer?!"
She mirrors my stance by placing her hands on the other window. "Oh please, Ashley. You're acting like you're some saint! I was scared, OK?! You KNEW that and you still went off to go fuck some random chick at your stupid club! Then when I think we work things out, you freak out on me! You are ALWAYS freaking out on me."
"I DID freak out on you. I DON'T anymore!" I just want us to be OK. "We can get through this!" I say again for the second time today. Why can't she just agree to work this out? Come up with a plan of action?
"You're freaking out right NOW!" What does she expect? She wouldn't talk to me. Practically ignored me. Pushed me away when I kissed her. I am SO frustrated.
"Whatever." I shrug. "I changed for you."
"I didn't ask you to change for me, Ashley." Her voice is soft as she says that. And it only pisses me off more.
"Well I did, OK?!"
She throws her hands up in the air in frustration. "Oh my GOD! This is so stupid. I'm in love with a twelve-year-old."
I'm sure my mouth is wide open. I'm stunned momentarily at her insult. "Well I'd have to be. I'm in love with someone who acts like one."
"Real mature." I look down to the concrete as I take in another blow. She really just can't let up on the insults.
"You can't even tell your mooooommy that you like girls." I faux pout as I play up my immaturity just for her.
"Oh." She walks around my car until she is standing right in front of me with her arms crossed. "Because she would be just so proud of this..." She pokes me in the chest with her finger. "...spoiled, rich, brat that I bring home?"
There are times in your life when you do something that you regret. You look back on them and wish you could have done everything differently. But let me tell you that the instant my hand met her face in a stinging slap, I knew that I would never think twice about having done it.
And just because life likes to be cruel to me, the slow motion kicks in. I'm pulled back into the real world as I hear gasps from the previously unnoticed spectators. Spencer's hand moves to cover her reddened face. She looks at me with teary eyes and my heart breaks as I watch the water stream down her cheeks.
She looks around at the people who have congregated around us. And as if she feels the need to give them a grand performance, her hand moves from her face to the jewelry around her neck. She fiddles with it between her fingers for a few seconds before bunching the chain into her fist. With one quick motion, she breaks it off of her neck and throws it at me with such force that it actually stung my arm when it hit.
"Well YOU love this brat!" I yell at her back. Yes, her back. She's already about a 50 yards away. "That's right! Run away, Spencer! Just like always!"
It isn't until she is out of sight that I realize a ton of people just watched my tingler break me. I glance around at all of them before bowing several times. "Thank you. Thank you... I'm glad your lives are so boring that you have to get off on watching mine." I smirk as if I'm unaffected.
After the crowd disperses, I slowly get into my car. I rest my head on the steering wheel, finally allowing the tears to spill out, and I only have one thought repeating in my mind:
I knew she'd break my heart.
I knew she'd break my heart.
I knew she'd break my heart.