Rule 23: Attend the general session of Stake Conference

Elder Schrader and Elder Neeley were fixated on something just outside the window. Eric had his head tilted to one side and Noah had his chin in his hand as the both stared.

"What's wrong with him?" Eric said finally after they'd stood there for nearly five minutes. Noah shrugged watching as Connor sat on the rope swing strung up on a nearby tree. He was sitting still on it shuffling his feet in the dust and twisting from side to side.

"He looks a bit…"

"Insane?"

"Yeah…I think he's gone insane."

Connor scuffed the dirt with his feet before kicking a bit too hard, catching his foot and falling backwards off the swing. He untangled himself from the rope in a fluster then brushed himself off, looking over his shoulder as he did so.

"We saw it," Eric and Noah said in unison through the open window. Connor turned to them, turning bright red in the process before closing his eyes, inhaling deeply and obviously counting to ten before storming off.

"I think something's up."

"You don't say."

Round the back of the mission hut, Elder Michaels had a towel round his waist ready to use the outdoor showers. He moved over to the rusty shower handle and braced himself for the cold stream. He was just about to let go of the towel when he shrieked.

"Elder McKinley!" He gathered it around himself staring in shock at Connor who was standing in the corner. "What are you doing?"

"Thinking," He said quickly. "I mean…showering…I mean no-wait-…cleaning. I'm cleaning the showers."

"Are you ok?"

"Yep! Fine absolutely fine!"

"Ok…"

They stood looking at each other for a moment, Elder Michael's suspiciously raised eyebrows forcing Connor to blush and look at the floor.

"Um…I'd kinda like to take a shower now."

"Oh right yeah, well, I was just done with the cleaning so that's ok."

Elder Michaels nodded slowly and watched him disappear into the mission hut. Connor turned and shut the door behind him before slumping against it to the floor. He lifted a thumb and forefinger to his temples as he landed with a soft thud on the ground. He groaned.

"Connor?"

His eyes snapped open immediately to see Elder Davis looking concernedly down at him. "Are you alright?"

"Just about." He sighed then heaved himself to his feet with a great effort. He straightened his name tag and tie, assuming his usual district leader stance. "I'm going to find some peace and quiet." He moved to his room and placed his hand on the handle.

"Wait!"

"What?" He turned to look at Elder Davis who had taken a step forward with an outstretched hand.

"Don't go in there."

"Why not? It's my room," Connor said indignantly continuing to hover his hand over the handle.

"Yeah, but Chris and James are in there at the moment."

Connor looked blankly at him for a moment before he understood. He groaned again and moved back towards the door to the kitchen. "I hate my life…" Elder Davis heard before he disappeared through.

Connor looked at the empty kitchen and living room for a moment, then moved to the sink and picked up a plate. He began to wipe it dry with a cloth. Elder Zelder came through the front door carrying his book and whistling to himself. He stopped as he saw Connor standing over the sink, his face deep in concentration. Elder Zelder watched as Connor proceeded to wipe the plate dry for the next ten minutes before saying something.

"Elder McKinley?"

Connor jumped and dropped the plate. He picked it up reverently and looked with a forlorn expression at the large crack cutting down the centre of it.

"I'd ask if you were ok, but I have a feeling you'd just say no, which definitely isn't the case."

"I'm fine."

"Sure…"

The door opened behind them and Arnold came through, looking around for the source of the disturbance. "I heard something break and it wasn't me."

"It was me." Connor sighed, placing the broken plate back in the sink. "I'm just a little on edge today."

He let out an even louder sigh as he saw Eric and Noah return from whatever mischief they'd been up to and settled down on the sofa.

"Have you figured out what's troubling him yet?" Noah asked the other elders.

"Nothing's troubling me."

"So you're not worried about the Stake Conference then?"

Noah smiled at the instant frozen expression that overcame Elder McKinley's face.

"What's Stake Conference?"

"Really Arnold?" Kevin had appeared, leaning against the door frame arms folded. "Stake Conference is when all districts in this zone meet with the zone leaders and mission presidents to give reports and share progress."

"Oh…so what's the problem?"

"We haven't made any progress!" Elder McKinley blurted out before leaning against the kitchen counter, his face in his hands. Eric and Noah leapt to their feet and guided him on either side to the couch.

"There there…" Eric said, awkwardly patting Connor's shoulder. "You'll be fine."

"It's not me I'm worried about. According to rule 23 you lot have to come with me."

"And?"

"You'll blow the place up!"

"We're not that bad." Noah glanced around at the other elders for some confirmation from one of them but received none. "Ok, so we're pretty bad, but maybe we can relax you a bit."

Connor emerged from his hands with a grim expression. "Relax? Relax! You think I'm going to be able to relax?!"

"You could try." Noah shrugged. "So what does one do at these steak house things?"

"Stake Conference. And you will be doing absolutely nothing. I'll be doing all the talking and you can stand behind me looking pretty because I don't trust a single one of you not to let something slip."

"Thanks," Kevin said with mock bitterness before perching on the table and flicking through his book.

"Is it like a convention?" Arnold asked suddenly, now excited. "Do we wear costumes?"

"Excuse me?"

"Never mind."

"Well…anyway…you all need to go and back. We leave tomorrow morning." He began to wring his hands, obsessively folding his fingers over one another. "And please pack sensibly."

The next morning, at the crack of dawn, Connor had with difficulty loaded his elders onto the mini bus. There was a sense of excitement among them that he just couldn't share. He'd spent all night trying to work out something he could say to the mission president. Anything at all to explain why their district had been kept pretty hush hush.

He was dreading the journey there too. If it was going to be anything like their usual trips together he thought they might as well drive off a cliff now. It would save him the trouble of being driven insane by them all first and doing it anyway. They arrived in good time at the mission offices in Kampala.

They all stood up to clamber off the bus but he stopped them. "Ok a few rules-"

He was interrupted by a chorus of groans which he struggled to silence. "Elders elders! Please! A few rules. Number one, no one say anything to anyone. Number two, no one is allowed into the district leader meeting. No one. Number three, nobody wander off. If we can't find you when we're going home you're getting left behind. Number four, there is free food, but don't embarrass me. Are we clear?"

"Yes Elder McKinley," The elders chorused back in unison before pushing each other out the way to get off the bus. The other elders at the conference all seemed very neat and uptight compared to the rowdy crew from district nine. Contrary to Elder McKinley's orders, they quickly found the buffet table and began to pile their plates high.

"Elders! What did I say?" Connor had just managed to catch up with them, left behind having to sign in at multiple stations. They looked at the floor before unloading their plates. "It's ten in the morning!"

"We normally eat breakfast at this time," Elder Zelder said confused.

"You don't let them eat until ten?" A suited leader from another district had wandered over towards them and was looking at Elder McKinley with curiosity. "That seems a bit harsh."

"Oh don't worry about us," Elder Michaels butted in laughing. "We don't even get up until-"

"No!" Elder McKinley quickly cut him off. "I mean, lots of work to do between when they all rise nice and early at six thirty until breakfast at ten. That's the way it's got to be if we have any hope of succeeding on our mission. We're a very devout and rule abiding district." He smiled through clenched teeth until the other district leader seemed satisfied and drifted away.

"I told you not to say anything." He hissed at his elders. "Now go and find somewhere to sit very still in silence while I go to the district leader meeting."

Suitably subdued, the elders went to join some of the missionaries from other districts while Elder McKinley began to repetitively straighten his tie.

"He's not going to survive that meeting," Noah told Eric as they watched the man fidget nervously. "But what can we do?"

"Tabernanthe iboga."

"Excuse me?"

Eric looked left and right before pulling Noah into a corner and whispering. "Tabernanthe iboga."

"Yeah I heard you the first time, I just don't speak Klingon."

"It's not Klingon." Eric rolled his eyes. "It's Bwiti."

"Oh right of course how stupid of me," Noah said sarcastically.

"It's a plant." Eric dug in his pockets, producing a small pouch of a ground up leaves. "It just relaxes you."

"So it's a drug?" Noah eyed it warily, looking around to make sure no one was watching their exchange. "That you just carry around with you?"

"Don't be stupid, I wouldn't give him drugs. It's like...tea."

"Tea?"

"Yeah...tea...that gives you hallucinations."

"What?!"

"Only in large doses. Look, we wouldn't give him much, just enough to stop him twitching."

"Is it even legal?"

"Of course it's legal. When we were doing our missionary service one weekend Gotswana asked me to get some for his stock and I got a bit for myself. It's just medicine, they use it to treat lots of things."

Noah looked at the leaves for a moment then over to Connor who was walking in furious small circles then back to the leaves then back to Connor who was now doing some kind of strange vocal warm up.

"Ok, if you're sure it's safe."

"I'm certain."

Connor didn't even question the glass that was put in his hand. He was too nervous to care and his throat was drying up from anxiety. He swallowed then looked to his elders who gave him an assortment of encouraging smiles and thumbs up before heading into the meeting.

As soon as he'd gone through the door, Eric and Noah pressed their ears to it to listen.

"Elders, thank you all for coming."

Connor sank down in his chair, trying his best not to be noticed. This was worse than a meeting with the mission president. Here he had to be compared to every other district leader in Uganda and they were all in front of him, well presented and doubtless baptism experts.

"Now I have here the figures from the last quarterly budgets. District nine, you have some expenses unaccounted for."

"Oh, it's probably just coffee."

"Coffee?"

"I mean poptarts."

"Poptarts?!"

He looked around at the assembled district leaders who were eyeing him with worried expressions. He needed to think of a save fast.

"…which we then donate to the local orphanage."

He lowered himself down even further into his chair waiting for the president to move onto the next elder. He closed his eyes for a moment, the room beginning to sway ever so slightly. He took a deep breath and when he opened his eyes, he suddenly felt completely relaxed, all worry thrown out the window.

He could see the president's lips moving but the sound seemed to go straight over his head. He wasn't complaining. If he couldn't hear the questions, he thought, he wouldn't have to answer them.

"…Elder? Elder McKinley? Elder McKinley!"

"Hmmm?"

"Did you hear what I just said?"

"…hmm…um, no…" He tried to fix his eyes on a framed landscape on the wall behind the mission president, but it was hard to keep his eyes from drifting, and a strange giddy sensation was swilling up inside him.

"I asked if you-"

"May I just say…Elder Mr President sir, that the tie you're wearing goes so well with your eyes…"

"I er-"

"Just saying."

The president cleared his throat and shuffled some papers in front of him, bringing out the file of another district. He turned to the district leader.

"Well, moving on. Elder Puddle, it-"

A snort followed by a giggle came out of Elder McKinley's mouth, before he gasped and quickly covered it, failing to fully stifle the noise.

"Is something the matter Elder?" The president's tone was now stern with a hint of irritation.

"No…" Connor strained trying not to burst into giggles again. "It's just…Elder Puddle…oh come on guys that's funny, right? Right?"

The other district leaders fixated their glances on their clasped hands in front of them, not wanting to catch his eye.

"We have an Elder Zelder and-" He interrupted himself with another snort and a fit of laughter. "Elder…Zelder! We call him Elder Zelder! Classic."

"Are you feeling quite alright young man?"

"Is it just me, or is the roof flying away?"

He looked up at the ceiling with a dreamy look before slumping forward onto the table, out unconscious. The president stared at him for a moment.

Suddenly the door opened, and Noah and Eric who had been listening from the outside, burst in. "Excuse us." Eric smiled nervously at the gathered men as they went over to Connor. "It's ok, he's still breathing, I think he's just fallen asleep."

Noah carefully lifted his sleeping district leader into his arms and followed Eric back out into to where all the elders were waiting.

"What the-?" Kevin stood up immediately as he saw them come out.

"Change of plans," Eric said hurriedly. "We're going home early."

Noah carried Connor out to the bus and laid him down on the back seat as everyone loaded themselves on. Kevin took the keys and drove away, not the only one who was glad this awkward trip had come to an early finish.

"Everybody shut up, Elder McKinley is sleeping," Noah called to the rest of them from the back as the chatter began to build which was followed by immediate hush.

A couple of hours into the journey home and Connor began to stir, groaning as his eyes squinted open. "Where am I?"

"Shhh…it's ok. Eric just drugged you, but you'll be fine."

Eric smiled nervously, twiddling his fingers. "Yeah, sorry about that. It wears off pretty quickly though. Oh, and it's legal and completely natural." He felt the need to add this part after seeing Connor's widened eyes.

"I hate all of you," Connor managed before letting his eyes close and falling back to sleep again.