A/N: If I took any longer to finish this... Nanashi was going to eat my future children. -nervous laugh-
Nanashi: -in a sickening honey-sweet voice- Oh, PoaA darling, you do know that I'm not a cannibal. I would never ever harm you or your future babies in any way... You make me, your ever faithful partner, sound so evil. Besides you are already laaate in updating our special V-day chapter.
PoaA: ...Ha..ha...ha... -meep-
Written By: Nanashi, PoaA
Disclaimer: I do not own anything Final Fantasy VII, Vexen, Myspace, or Square Enix, or anything else that is copyrighted. PLZ DUN SUE ME. Sophia, Emmie, and Roommate © Passè on an Angle.
IMPORTANT: If you wish to sign the petition, there be a link in my and Yami-Echo's profiles. I respect your views if you did not with to sign it/didn't sign it. I love all my reviewers. -HEART- If you'd still like to hear about it, reffer back to chapters sixteen and seventeen('The Return' and 'Sparkles and Bullet Holes') or PM Yami-Echo.
WARNING: Faggottree.
OOCness is a given.
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Ongaku Niji
Day Four :: Vuja De
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"Gee, could you make this thing go any- DON'T TOUCH THAT!"
Shalua loves to torture me, I swear to Jenova. She's making me run on this horrible, smelly treadmill. I am not a hamster, dammit! Reeve gave her complete control over my testing. She schedules it(I have to wake up at 7AM and get no coffee), regulates my food(no coffee), and observes it. Apparently I'm a scientific-fucking-anomaly to her and her associates.
Four of whom I might have killed. I blacked out last night and woke up covered in blood. Shalua checked and it wasn't mine... I'm not allowed to sleep in a normal room anymore.
'I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling security guards.'
Luckily, I'm not bunking with any of those smelly soldiers. The devil banshee woman wants to observe my breathing patterns while I sleep. ...She's going to stick me full of needles, isn't she?
'Probably.'
Yesterday-
'MOAR FWASHBACKZ?!'
I hate you so much.
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I don't like this.
'Stop being a wuss.'
What if I get pregnant?! Where am I gonna put a baby?!
'You have to have intercourse in order to get pregnant, you know.'
With my luck it'll be immaculate conception.
'Or ra-'
Mr. Psychologist is sitting in a heap of coat and limbs by the door. I still can't find those damn painkillers, the pain keeps intensifying. Owie.
'Oh, stop bitching. At least your hair is okay.'
Um... No, it's not. It's short and looks like sherbert. Hell, I'm sure it tastes like sherbert too... I now understand why they were giving away the hair dye. I actually contemplate killing the man, just to save myself from further annoyance. I examine my katana for a few seconds... it's really shiny.
...Maybe I should get those pain meds.
'No, you should kill him first.'
But... won't Shalua get mad? I don't want to give her a reason to slice me open. I have the oddest feeling that she has a Hojo complex.
'You can handle her.'
Not according to the compact.
'A door defeated her. I'm sure you can.'
The compact says I can't defeat the door either.
I move forward and a hand lands on my shoulder. I yelp and prepare to slice the person's head off. I turn around, only to be greeted with a wave of ANGST! Yep, it's Vincent. Thank Jenova, I'd hate for it to be Nero...
"..." I speak fluent Vincentese, similar to Squallese, only Squall had more lines.
"I'm trying to find pain killers." I growl almost inhumanly. Almost, because humans can growl too. "That bastard," Point, point. "Was hitting on me and I have craaaaaamps! Quick, make him a vampire zombie so you can shoot him."
"..." He thinks I'm crazy, does he?! Well, I'll show that vampire freak!
"F-I-N-E! I'll just finish him off myse-" Vincent ever so gently tugs me towards a chair. No! My vengeance, it must be dealt! Mr. Vampire overlord hands me a tiny bottle of white pills. They look strangely familiar, but I don't want to bother the issue. Something golden catches my eyes and all I can do is stare.
And stare, because the gold hand looks cooler when it's unchibi. I want to steal it and nail it to my wall. Sephiroth would surely like it's shinyness.
'You just want to put popcorn in it.'
So sue me.
Reeve walks over the scientist. Two minutes later he comes back, blinking rapidly.
"What the hell?"
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Reeve doesn't like me right now, which is sort of insane. Isn't he suppose to like everybody? He's the president of the effing WRO, or WRO for those of us who refuse to say letters separately.
We're sitting in his office. Well, technically I'm sitting. Vincent's standing and Reeve is... well, sort of leaning on the edge of his seat. I don't think either of them likely.
'You know, this is the setting for one great sm-'
Don't even go there.
"Why does Weiss want you?" Reeve asks. I really want to rip off that gotee. He's what? Forty? Anybody over thirty-five should not have facial hair unless they're super sexy. I don't care what anybody says, Reeve is not as sexy as his shirt.
'...You really are gay, aren't you?'
I refuse to answer that question without my lawyer.
"I have no idea." I respond snobbishly, the Voice cackles in the background of my miiiiiind. Reeve gives me a look that says 'I know you know what you know' because it's hard to say.
"Do you have a guess?" he asks. Blink blink.
"Clearly, he wants to molest a Sephiroth look-alike. I mean, who wouldn't?" He gives me a blank stare. "I do look like Sephiroth when my hair is long and... not orange. That's what Chocobo-head said, anyway."
"Chocobo-head?"
"She means Cloud." Vincent can speak Emmieese too!
...I really want to cry in the corner. This is frying my brain.
"Yup." I answer chipperly, "Chocobo-head gave me directions here. He said I'd be better protected from that creepy child-molester."
'How old are you?'
Reeve looks just about ready to kill me. Some president. "What's you're connection with Sephiroth?"
Ha, ha... ha ha ha ha. "You wouldn't believe me." I say in a mary-sue sing-song voice. I'm good at it.
"What are you hiding?" Vampire asks... Er. I mean Vincent. His name is Vincent, which probably translates into vampire in some obscure language.
"I've seen a lot," Reeve begins, "I'm sure I could handle whatever you throw at me."
Ahem. Sephiroth showed up at my house one fateful day as a one foot tall chibi. He calls me 'mama' and stabs me regularly. Oh, and I'm really a boy in an alternate dimension. We're friends there. I've played a game called Final Fantasy VII, in which I play Cloud's adventure to save the world.
...Is what I wanted to tell him, just to see all that hair turn grey.
"Sorry, I refuse to say. Everybody has their own demons they need to hide." Look pointedly at Vincent for effect.
'...You played through his life story, you know.'
He doesn't need to know that.
"Fine," Reeve decides, "You can stay under one condition."
The room instantly turns cold.
"Oh fuc-"
"You just have to do a few tests."
"...k."
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Considering murdering everybody in this base. It would make for great fanart. I mean, for people who could draw blood. People who aren't me.
"Just out of curiosity," I heave, "When exactly am I going to run this fast?" Shalua shrugs, my right eye twitches.
The tests... oh, there were many tests. I'm going to skip the details, but... Oh Jenova, there were tests. They didn't just give me physical tests, oh no. Shalua quizzed me on some obscure facts of the Final Fantasy VII world. The miracle here is that I have yet to kill her.
Katana training was fun, though. Shalua's no master of the craft, but she's about a thousand times better than I am... which says a lot. Remember, she lacks one eye and an arm. I feel my male ego deflating, but my female jealousy expands.
My hair's growing back, by the way.
"Check your compact," Finally, I'm done. I grumble something incoherent and flip the object open... only to find that I've leveled three times. Where did the music go? Did it run away in the presence of the ever powerful hawk eye scientist?
"Good," she says, "You're getting better and should be able to take on a first class SOLDIER." Yeah, in your dreams, sister, "You'll need more experience to actually beat one, though." So I can take one on, but I can't beat it? What is this faggotry?!
"Is that why you want to make me fight without my katana for a bit?" I ask, she turns away... Hey! Answer me, ho!
"Whatever makes you sleep better," That bit- "That's all for right now. Go wash your face and get something from the cafeteria." Sure... no wait. "Before I forget, Reeve wants you to level up more. He wants you to see him in his office when you're done."
'You can tell him to take his gun and shove it up his ass.'
"Thanks." I mutter sarcastically.
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Chocobo-head JR(aka Pepe((aka Cloud))) and my chibi bling escort me to the cafeteria. In other words, they're hungry too. My monthly friend sends a jolt of pain up my spine, I twitch slightly. The sweet portion of the cafeteria is about to be commandeered. Pepe agrees.
People are checking me out. Not just the male soldiers, oh no, but females too. Apparently I'm the hot topic right now. I admit, I look pretty damn cute. My kimono is fabulous and my hair is, well, very girly. I bet I could pass as a lolita girl. ...This is seriously frying my brain.
'You're conceited.'
Bite me.
CHOMP!
"Not you!" ...Do I sound cute too?
Half-way towards the cafeteria I'm stopped by a few boys. Not guys, not men, boys. That's what Sophia would have called them, anyway. One of them leers at me, I take a step back.
"What's a pretty little thing like you doin' in this big, bad base?" Your mother.
"How 'bout yous goes on a date with one'a us?" another asks in a strange Brooklyn accent.
"No thank you." I will eat you all. "I'm in a committed relationship already." I walk passed them... ok, I run. I run fast and far. Shalua's training pays off in the most awkward of situations. Does being Sephiroth's mother count as a committed relationship?
'Have you ever seen how possessive he is?'
No... Well, yes. I read fanfiction, remember?
'Then you know you're in a very committed relationship.'
Meep.
The cafeteria's gossiping about me. At least, that's what I think(conceited). The men are whispering excitedly while most of the women are rolling their eyes. If I was male(I am! I AM!) it would be the exact opposite.
Now... what to eat.
Cloud blinks at me, "I want this." he mutters, picking up a muffin and placing it on my plate. I prepare to make a comment... but stop. He really deserves to be treated better.
'...What?'
Don't gimme that look.
I grab anything that looks sweet and my chibi bodyguards chow down with me. Sugary, sticky, frosting covered madness is spread across my plate. Sweeeeetneeeeeessssss. Unfortunately, they don't have my mint cookies. Why oh why do they lack the mint cookies?
'God hates you?'
THERE IS NO GOD, ONLY COOKIES!
'...You need to lay off the sweets.'
Shut up, I'm perfectly fine.
I barely make it out, heading towards Reeve's office when something... someone touches my ass. Oh, it is on like a fur coat, biatch. "What the hell!" I shriek, doing a full 180. Four men with glowing green eyes were blocking my path. One in front is moving his hand in a squeezing motion. He will be the first to DIE.
...Didn't Shalua say something about this?
'Yes, but now is not the time for a flashback.'
I back up, only to connect with a hard object. No, not that object. A chest. Four more make-enhanced ex-SOLDIERs are blocking my only exit. This is great. Eight gorillas, a defenseless maiden(hahaha), and a nearly deserted hallway. This has Vanilla Series written all over it.
'RAAAAAAAAP-'
I think I can handle this.
"Hey baby," the leader smirks, "Wanna hang out with us for a while? You'll have a wild ride." Leering laughter echos through the hallway. I'm prepared to castrate every single one of them.
'Yay, mutilation!'
"What class were you?" I ask, "Second? Third?" He laughed again.
"Third, little lady." That was an incredibly corny response.
I hid my smirk underneath a naïve, innocent look. "If you were to fight a First class... what would happen? Would you lose?"
That grin needs to be wiped away, permanently. "There ain't no first class left, doll." KILL IT WITH FIRE! "Don't go worryin' yer pretty lil' head."
"Oh really?" I say in a sickening honey-sweet voice.
"Yea-"
"MCP!" and I knee him in the groin, like kicking a soccer ball at 25MPH, hard and fast. That's what Shalua's testing and training has show me. I wonder if this'll work on Weiss.
'Cock!'
Bad mental image. Getitout! Getitout!
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Reeve's mad at me.
So a few of his soldiers can't reproduce anymore, big deal. The mako enhancing took cake of that long before I showed up.
'Ironically, long after I showed up.'
They want me to level up. It's always with the leveling. I didn't have to do this much leveling in the original game, or in DoC. No, no. No more leveling up. I'm done. Gonna get my stuff and just head out. Live in Wutai with Yuffie and her estranged father.
Instead of staying out here like a good trainer should, that biiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch left me out here to die. Probably under Reeve's orders. Maybe Shalua's. I'm sure she wants to cut me open.
'Frowny face.'
Don't mock me.
My first and only enemy happens to be the infamous: mutated green sewer chocobo! GASPITH! This should be easy, I think I've defeated one before.
'It falling off a cliff does not count as defeated.'
It does in Emmie-land.
Compact says, "Chobi, level 26... You're fu-"
I power up my materia and spring forward. The sword connects with the chocobo's wing and ignigtes it. Fwoom! Kentucky Fried Chocobo. But... what the hell? It's not fwooming... but growing bigger. Since when do chocobos do that?!
Oh hell.
Somewhere in the back of my deranged little mind, a voice says: Mutated green sewer chocobo is evolving! Mutated green sewer chocobo is now Cyclops giant pink chocobo!
'...Shiiiiiiiit.'
Run backwards(very difficult to do in sandals) into... the edge of a cliff. I have a very bad sense of direction. Pepe the Chocobo-head is no help at all, Vinnie, however... I rip the vampire from my neck and throw him at Chobi.
"KEEL!" And he does, he does. Seriously.
A burst of white light and, suddenly, chibi Vincent is no more. He is replaced by chibi CHAOS! Holy hell, that's quite possibly the coolest thing on the planet.
"That has to be the coolest thing ever." I sit there dumbfounded as CHAOS! rips Chobi limb from limb... literally. Green blood washes over the area, everything but myself is covered in it... because I'm pimp like that.
Tear, tear, tear. It starts to get disgusting after a while. Who knew he could eat so much?
After some time, CHAOS!'s eating gradually slows. He stops and lifts his head up, sniffing the air with a blood covered nose. Those cute(probably velvet) mini bat wings flap rapidly. He... turns... to... me.
...Meep.
'You should make a will, right now.'
...Sephy-kins, I'm sorry I never told you how much I love you...
'That's not going to save you.'
At least I'm trying.
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Ongaku Niji
Twenty Six :: End
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A/N: ...I JUST noticed that I never signed up to be in any C2 I belong to. Then I realized that I didn't have to sign up. XD God, I'm oblivious to most things.
Nanashi: ...You're dense. For our readers' information, MCP means Male Chauvinist Pig. Oh yeah! Just hints for our next chapter: Payback, Silver haire dude vs Black hair dude.
Thanks to all our reviewers! Memyselfisesshy93, Dark Lady, Peanuckle, irish'd salmo lover, Kumiko, Vilecat, Thunderstorm, Devil-Speaker, Yargy, LittleBrick, Yami, Moonshine, Zexion's.Emo.Queen, Skavnema, Vinval, Wolfish, and Shadow! To you all... personal Nanashi and PoaA plushie! Yeah, I made them myself. B
Next Chapter: Day FIVE! Oh shi-
Review or no more updates! Har har!
Nanashi: Oh really, darling? Don't give me the excuse of the Windows Vist(From Hell) again, ok? -smiling innocently and glaces sidewasy at PoaA-
PoaA: ...Meep.