26. Rolling the dice

Leonard spent a restless night. Saturday morning, he decided to head to Santa Monica, to an area that meant a lot to him, to think some more. He stopped in at a coffee shop on the Promenade, wandered out to the Pier, strolled along the bluffs above the beach, thinking all the way. He remembered their time there, thinking about what it meant, what it all meant.

His wanderings seemed to lead him, inevitably, toward the Tides Inn. As he ambled by, he looked up at the balcony of the room he and Penny had shared that night so many months ago. It seemed like years now. And yet he had no trouble casting his mind back to that evening, to the two of them standing on that balcony overlooking the ocean. It had been perhaps the happiest evening of his life. And he was pretty sure that he would never be able to recreate that kind of happiness with anybody but Penny. She had a unique ability to make him feel capable and worthy. Even now, his time with her was the highlight of his week. And he recognized in himself a growing desire to ensure the security of his child, their child. However, the strength of his bond with Penny also meant – as he had discovered over the past months – that she had a unique ability to make him feel more miserable than he ever had in his life. So it was a gamble, a risk. Was it worth taking?

Leonard walked over to the park across from the hotel, then down the stairs to the beach, sitting on a rock overlooking the bike path and the wide expanse of sand. To his left was a small parking lot. A young couple and their daughter – maybe six or seven years old – were putting on inline skates. As he watched, the father started showing the young girl, who apparently had never been on rollerblades, how to skate on the asphalt. She took a couple of steps, then screamed and began to fall. The father caught her, righted her, and had her venture a couple more tentative strides. Again, she screamed and started to tumble, and again, her father caught her. This went on for at least five minutes. Then he had her put her arms on his hips as he skated slowly on the asphalt, pulling her along behind him. This seemed to give the girl more confidence, and she risked a few more strides before reaching for her father.

Leonard watched, fascinated, as the tableau played itself out. All this time, the girl's mother stood by the car, observing the two carefully. Within a few more minutes, the girl was skating three or four yards at a time, into the arms of her father, and laughing delightedly.

Suddenly Leonard saw with a shock that the mother was skating towards him. He must look like some sort of pervert, watching a young girl on inline skates like that. Leonard scrambled to his feet as she arrived and said, apologetically, "I'm so sorry for staring. It was just so interesting to see. My wife's expecting…." he stammered, as if this were an explanation.

The young woman smiled and nodded. "I figured it was something like that. Congratulations. Your first?"

Leonard nodded. "Got any advice?"

The mother thought. "Figure out what you do best. Like when it's skating, or riding a bike, or basketball, it's all him," she said, pointing at her husband. "He's so patient. I'd be all over her in 30 seconds, but he can do this for hours." Leonard could hear the admiration in her voice, and feel a lump starting to form in his throat. "But when somebody bullies her, or there are boy troubles – not for a while, I hope! – then it will be all me. So figure out what each of you does best."

Leonard nodded thoughtfully. The woman continued, "Try to always be on the same page. And make sure to find time for each other. That's important." She looked at him and smiled warmly. "I'm sure you'll do fine. Anyone who cares that much about it is going to be great."

Just then, the young girl called to her mother that they were ready to head for the bike path, as the father looked curiously over at the two of them talking. The woman waved good-bye to Leonard, who did the same. They headed off on the bike path, the girl in front, the father close behind, the mother bringing up the rear. As they skated away, the mother turned to Leonard and gave him a big smile and a thumbs-up, which he returned. He walked slowly up the stairs and headed back to the Promenade.

After a light dinner, Leonard went to the evening performance.

He arrived at Penny's dressing room, as usual of a Saturday evening, his mind still a mass of confused and contradictory thoughts. Penny immediately understood that he was still contemplating their future. They made small talk as they started home.

They had been driving for a few minutes, until Leonard could not contain himself. "Penny," he said, "tonight was the most remarkable performance I've seen you give. And I've seen a lot of them. Any thoughts?"

"I know," Penny said quietly. "Diane mentioned it to me. I guess…I guess the more I feel myself growing emotionally, the more I understand both my own feelings and those of others, the better I can capture all the complexity of the character. Not sure. That's just my hunch."

"That makes sense," Leonard agreed. "And I can tell you that I've seen such a change in you over the past few months. Don't take it the wrong way, but I think you've matured a lot."

"I take it as a compliment, my love. And I think you're right. But not just me; I think you've changed too. I hope you feel it's for the better."

"I do," Leonard said. "Painful way to grow."

When they arrived back at his apartment they sat on the couch, as they had taken to doing every Saturday evening. Leonard poured himself a glass of wine, and brought Penny a glass of water, as she unwound from the grueling two-performance day that marked the end of another week's performances – the second to last week of the run.

Penny took a deep breath. "Leonard, I have to ask. What are your thoughts, after that session with Dr. Stevens?"

Leonard thought for a long time before speaking. "Somehow, I find it a little easier to understand that what you did, you did intentionally. Because if it just happened, spur of the moment, then it could happen again. But if it was a choice, then you can choose differently. If you want to."

Penny was struck that this was the way she hoped he would think about their discussion. Of course, it lacked the next step, which was to decide that she was in fact capable of committing herself to being faithful. But she certainly was not going to press the matter. Leonard had to come to that decision on his own. So she was silent, smiling softly at her husband.

Leonard looked at her seriously. "So I have to ask, even though I know you've already answered. I want to hear you explain it better. How can you be sure you won't be tempted to consider the world of Hollywood, rather than my world, our world? Because I have to admit that it's hard for me to believe that you would choose me over all of the options you have now."

Penny swallowed hard. Hearing him talk like this was painful, reminding her of his renewed lack of self-confidence. She recognized that she had done a number on his ego; it was one of the many things she hated herself for. "Leonard, I wish you wouldn't put yourself down like that. I mean, just for starters, you're in one of the most difficult fields in all the sciences. I may not understand much about what you do, but I do know that there are only a few hundred people in the world who can understand it – and that they're just about the smartest people in the world. So how does that make you a lesser option?"

Leonard smiled, rolling his eyes a little.

"And why would I consider something else when I've used every trick in the book to try to get you back?"

Leonard looked hurt, and Penny realized her mistake. "What tricks?"

"They weren't tricks, sweetheart, that was just an expression. What I meant was that I did everything I could think of, and some things I learned from Dr. Gallo, to try to understand the situation and figure out what I should do. It was very hard for me, but I think I really tried to understand myself for the first time. But probably the most important step was trying to look at things from your point of view."

She continued, "I needed to understand what you were going through. And I saw that if the roles had been reversed, I would probably not have been able to stand it. That made it clear how hard it would be to get through this, how patient I needed to be, and how long it might take. And how amazing it would be if you did ever decide to take me back." She leaned back on the couch.

"And," she said softly, "trying to put myself in your place made me think a lot about you as a person, about what a special person you are. I know you don't really realize it, or accept it, but there just aren't many men like you. Your depth of feeling, your kindness, your ability to empathize – all the things that make you you, they're beyond unusual. I've never met another man like you. Do you know that?"

She looked at him intently. "I want you to know that, Leonard. I've never met another man like you. And the more I thought about you, and about our life together, the more certain I was that you are the man I want in my life." And she stopped, exhausted.

"Leonard, all I can offer by way of proof is talk. But I hope you know me well enough to know how deeply I feel this now. I know I want a life with you. My time with you is so special to me. I look forward to our days together all week long. When we're together here, even as hard as things have been, it's like an island of peace and calm. I feel relaxed, and comfortable, and safe. Sure, it's exciting to be at the theater, to come out of the stage door and sign autographs, to think about screen tests and Broadway. All those things are wonderful. But I want to share them with you. I want to be able to do those things, and then to come back to a quiet, peaceful home. And I want that home to be with you."

She looked at him, appealing to him. "I've been trying so hard to understand you better, to understand myself better, to figure out how I can be a good wife to you and a good mother to our child. I just want the chance, my love. Please, just give me the chance."

Leonard touched her arm gently. "I appreciate how hard you've been trying. And of course you deserve a chance. But we're both tired," he added. "Time for bed." They headed down the hallway to begin what had become their two-nights-a-week routine. Leonard went into the bathroom, as Penny waited in her room, deep in thought. When she heard him finishing up, she went to her door and waited for him to emerge from the bathroom. He came out, wearing the dark-blue terrycloth robe she had bought him a few weeks earlier.

She walked over to Leonard, who was standing in the hallway between the bathroom and the second bedroom, Penny's bedroom. "Thank you for being so patient with me, and so honest. And for giving me a second chance. You never cease to amaze me, my love." She cupped his face in her hands and looked at him with a longing that made him gulp. "I can't wait for the day when I can kiss you properly. Promise me you'll tell me if that day ever comes."

"I…I promise," he said hesitantly. And then he leaned in and kissed her, tentatively, but full on the lips.

"I guess it just came," he said coyly. And he walked down the hall as Penny stood, stunned, in the doorway.

The next morning was their Sunday together. Leonard woke up to the smell of something delicious being cooked. He dressed and wandered into the kitchen, where Penny was making French toast.

They ate a quiet breakfast together, then he asked how she wanted to spend the day. She had thought of options, and suggested her preference. "Why don't we walk through some of the neighborhoods here? I used to do that with Audrey in Santa Monica; I do it around here sometimes. It's fun."

"All right," Leonard shrugged. He wasn't sure of the point, but it was a beautiful day and it seemed a pleasant pastime. They drove into one of the nicer neighborhoods in the area, parked and began walking.

As they walked, Penny talked about the houses they passed. "That's a Craftsman. Probably 1.2 million. I like the big picture windows, and the way the roof blends into the porch….This is a Victorian, 1.4 or 1.5 million. The windows are so small! I bet the rooms are, too. And lots of wasted space with hallways. Plus the plantings are so close to the house, they'd have to be torn out."

Leonard listened to her in surprise. "Where'd you learn all this stuff?"

"Oh, from Audrey and Jordan. We used to go walking in Santa Monica, and they were pretty serious about buying, so they talked about the houses. And it's interesting to think about what kind of house you might like. What do you think?"

Leonard shook his head. "I have no idea. I guess I always figured a house is just a house."

Penny laughed. Then she got serious, thinking for a minute. "I think you'd be interested in a Craftsman. They've got the kind of simple lines you like, but they're cozy, with lots of woodwork. They're sort of like you: efficient and rational, but warm and friendly. Modern and traditional at the same time."

Leonard looked at her curiously. "OK, show me some of those."

And the couple spent the next couple of hours walking through the neighborhood, looking especially for Craftsman houses. As they walked, Penny gave Leonard a tutorial on floor space, property values, housing styles, and the importance of renovating kitchens and bathrooms.

Penny prepared a simple dinner for them that evening, as she usually did on Sundays. This time she took care to set the table with a tablecloth and candles, and to dim the lights a little. She had a feeling about this weekend, that – as Audrey had put it – things were coming to a head. She wanted to try to create at least the hint of a romantic mood. A non-threatening one, to be sure. But Leonard had kissed her the night before – for the first time in four months. And she was mindful of what Dr. Gallo had suggested: the less anxious he was about her, the less likely those obsessive thoughts would be.

Over dinner, she watched him carefully. "You seem tired, these days," she said, smiling at him. "Have you been working hard?" She already felt she knew the answer, but she wanted to hear it from him.

"Really hard," he said, smiling. "Satisfied?"

"Very."

"Seriously, it's going really well. And – oh, I forgot to tell you! The Tokyo symposium is going to happen! Probably in late June of next year."

"That's so wonderful," she said, sincerely. "Leonard, I'm so proud of you. From what I understand, having an international symposium on your work is like getting an Academy Award. Even better. I only wish I could be there to see it."

"Well," Leonard said, "actually, I think you might be able to. There's a lot of money involved, and the travel office there asked if I was bringing a companion, so I think they'd pay."

Her curiosity was piqued. "Like, how much money? Do you mean they're paying you?"

Leonard looked embarrassed. "Well, I didn't really tell you everything. The symposium is organized around a prize ceremony; they're giving me a Physics prize the Japan Academy gives every two years. It comes with a five million yen prize."

Penny's eyes opened wide. "Five million yen! You're a millionaire!"

"Hardly," Leonard laughed. "That's about sixty thousand dollars. But it's still a lot of money."

"My God, Leonard, that's incredible. Oh, I'm so proud of you," and again she just longed to hug him.

"Anyhow…." He hesitated. "Did you hear what I said before?"

"About what?"

"About that if you wanted I think they'd pay for you to come along, maybe for us to stay a few extra days. Would you be interested? I know the baby will be here by then, but I asked around and it turns out they have bassinette seats in business class where a baby can sleep. It might be a little difficult, but it could also be fun. Hayley told me that the easiest time to travel is when they're really little, you just carry them around with you. I mean, I don't know if it's true, we can ask. And we don't have to decide now, it's seven months off, but do you think you might be interested? I mean, I wouldn't expect you to go to the symposium, but it would be nice if you were at the prize ceremony." He looked at her shyly, and her heart melted.

"I would love to, Leonard. Thank you for thinking of me. We can ask around and see if it's really practical. But I'd like nothing better than to see you get the recognition you deserve."

After dinner, Penny led Leonard to the couch. "Leonard, I think we have to continue to talk. And I want to tell you some things I've been thinking. I guess I've said them, in different places and different ways. But I want to say them all to you now."

Leonard looked at her expectantly.

"I will never forgive myself for what I did," she began. Leonard started to protest, as she knew he would, but she shushed him. "You can't make me forgive myself, even if you want to. That's up to me. But this whole terrible experience has helped me see the world more clearly. And I can tell you, beyond the shadow of any doubt, that this is the life I want. A life with you. A life with our children. I do want to be a good actor, even a great actor if I have it in me. But I want it to be a part of my life with you."

She looked at him directly in the eyes. "You have no idea how special you are to me, in so many ways. You have always been my strongest supporter. You've been the one sure thing in my life, for years. If it weren't for you, there is absolutely no way I would be where I am today. I will never forget that. But my debt to you goes way beyond your support for me and my career. With you I discovered how to love. What it means to put another person's happiness above your own – what it means to want to do that. I discovered how to give myself to another person, to open myself to the vulnerability and the fear and the pain that being in love can mean. And with you I've felt the strongest emotions I have ever felt. It's beyond sad that it took me making the biggest mistake of my life for me to really come to grips with my true feelings, but there it is."

Penny's voice was breaking slightly now, as she continued, with increasing urgency. "I know myself so much better now. And I love you more than I ever thought I was capable of loving anyone. If we are not meant to be together, I will accept that – what choice do I have? But I want you to know that over the last ten years you have changed my life completely, in every possible way. And always for the better. And I wouldn't trade those ten years with you for anything else in this world."

Leonard was fighting back tears of his own.

Penny had thought about this moment many times, and about how she would handle it. It was a gamble, she knew; but it would probably always be one. So Penny got down on her knees, and took Leonard's hand. "So. Leonard Hofstadter, will you please stay married to me?"

Leonard looked at her, remembering how he had asked Penny the same question just a year and a half earlier, in a moment of crisis. He hesitated, but only briefly. "Yes. My answer is yes."

Penny just stared at him, not quite convinced of what she was hearing. But Leonard wasn't over with the remembrances of things past. "Should we," he said, "go to the bedroom and make this official?"

"Of course," Penny answered, unsure if she should ask him if he was certain. Perhaps she should allow him a little time to think it over more calmly. "Just give me a few minutes to freshen up and get myself ready. I've been waiting for this for too long to screw it up." That would give him time to reconsider, if he needed to.

"I don't think there's any way you could screw it up, but all right," Leonard smiled. "I'll be waiting for you."

Leonard went down to his bedroom and sat on his bed, quietly contemplating.

Fifteen minutes later Penny walked in, wearing only a satin robe. She walked over to him and kissed him passionately, then slowly unbelted the robe and let it fall to the floor.

Leonard gasped as he stared at his wife. "I had forgotten how incredibly beautiful you are."

"Even with this?" she asked, her hand on her now more prominent belly.

"Especially with that," he answered.

She turned slowly around by the side of the bed, stopping to send a sultry glance his way from time to time, striking Marilyn-like poses as she turned. Finally, she stopped and looked at him, eyes ablaze.

"It's all yours," she said sexily, "to do with what you will."

"Waxing poetic, are we?" Leonard said with a smile.

Penny's eyes opened wide and her hand shot down below her mid-section. "Waxing! I've sort of neglected that for the last few months. Sorry!"

"That's fine," Leonard laughed. "I don't mind. It's nice. Natural." He peered behind her hand. "Even the color."

Penny laughed "So much for "Only her hairdresser knows for sure," I guess. Well, that sort of ruined the mood, didn't it?"

"Nothing could ruin this mood," Leonard said. "The most beautiful woman in the world is standing naked next to my bed."

He started to take his shirt off, but she stopped him. "I'm doing everything. You just relax."

Penny pushed him down onto the bed, and gently undressed him. She kissed him lightly on the neck, then the cheeks, then the lips. She felt him begin to tense, and she had him turn over in order to give him a long, gentle, massage. With him still on his stomach, she kissed his neck, his shoulders, his back, down to his feet. Then she turned him gently over and began back up, ending again with his face and again his lips. He seemed relaxed, and he was noticeably ready, and she was aching to feel him inside her.

She covered Leonard with her body, and ran her fingers through his hair, kissing him deeply. Then she lifted herself up to a sitting position and guided him into her. As she started to rock gently she first felt him tense, then relax. She continued to move softly and slowly forward and back, varying the pace. Leonard's eyes were closed and he was smiling sweetly. Penny felt her pleasure grow, but strove to contain it. She wanted this to last for a very long time.

Penny continued her unhurried rhythmic movements. Eventually she lowered her torso onto his so she could feel his body beneath hers. He was now moving smoothly himself, meeting her with steadily growing thrusts of his own. Soon they were in unison, pulsating together seamlessly.

Leonard opened his eyes and gazed into Penny's. She looked into those brown pools and saw that he was struggling to keep his mind clear, to ward off the images that tortured him. As she recognized the battle going on within him, she breathed in sharply. She needed to help him keep his focus on them, on their union. She stroked his cheeks and kissed his eyes. She saw some of the struggle fade as he surrendered himself to her, and to pleasure, and closed his eyes. And her tears began to fall.

They were moving slightly faster now, as he rose to meet her ever more insistently and wrapped his arms around her to pull himself more deeply into her. His eyelids fluttered open as he felt her teardrops, and again she saw the internal battle start to rage. Penny began to sob even as they continued to rock gently, sensually, back and forth. "I love you, Leonard. I will love you forever. Forever and ever. I love you so much." He kissed her deeply, longingly, trying to take away her pain and his memories.

They continued like this, with Penny sobbing and whispering over and over, "I love you," and Leonard holding her and kissing her between sobs and whispers. Eventually they were moving faster, more and more relentlessly, with greater and greater tension. Penny bore down harder, Leonard rose more strongly to meet her, as they drove themselves harder, spiraling upward. Her body was taut and covered with sweat as she continued to sob and declare her love until finally their bodies stiffened powerfully and with eyes wide open they stared into each other for what seemed like an eternity, then collapsed, exhausted.

Afterwards, as they lay in each other's arms, Penny looked into Leonard's eyes. "That was the most beautiful experience of my life," she whispered softly. "Thank you so much. How can I ever repay you?"

"If you can wait 30 to 40 minutes, I'll be happy to show you."

She shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Way to ruin the mood, lover." And they laughed.

Leonard leaned up on his elbow to look at his wife. "It was beautiful for me, too, Penny. You're beautiful. You're the most beautiful woman in the world to me. I don't ever want us to be apart. I don't want anything to drive us apart, ever again. I can't stand the thought that we spent so much time without being able to comfort each other."

Penny nodded, biting her lip. "I know. I asked myself every day why it was that the one person I needed most was the one person I couldn't have. But now I can. And I never want to let anything come between us again."

It was a long night.

END ACT TWO

Entr'acte

A/N: The epigraph for this story is the lyrics to one of the most famous love songs of American musical theater, which serves as the prelude to a great love gone horribly astray. The lyrics are below. If you'd like to see one moving presentation (in semi-staged version) of the scene in question, search Youtube for "If I Loved You (Kelli O'Hara and Nathan Gunn)," the 12.32 minute version (yes, Live from Lincoln Center). Here are the lyrics to the song:

If I loved you

Time and again I would try to say

All I'd want you to know

If I loved you

Words wouldn't come in an easy way

Round in circles I'd go

Longing to tell you but afraid and shy

I'd let my golden chances pass me by

Soon you'd leave me

Off you would go in the mist of day

Never, never to know

How I love you, if I loved you

"If I loved you," Carousel