Chapter 25 – To Keep You Warm
Fighting off the feeling of Khadgar's obvious fury that she had arrived in Draenor, Sarah wandered through some of the small camps, accompanied by the tauren and Illidan.
Waquro introduced them to Drek'thar. The shaman seemed very inquisitive of the demon hunter. He revealed that there had indeed been a winged creature, the likes of which he had never seen before, in the visions he had experienced of the Void. On meeting Illidan, he was now confident he was the one who featured in the augury of pending events.
When asked if the visions therefore forecast the outcome of the battle, the shaman grinned. His answer did not provide the result they had hoped to hear. In truth it was something of a very depressing conundrum - when he spoke of the apocalyptic force of the Void he said, "Nobody and nothing on the planet can stop it. However, all is not lost. We must answer that which is asked of us. " Sarah inwardly guffawed. He could do to take a leaf out of his own book she thought.
The shaman had then turned his attention to her. Whether he awarded her a smile or a sneer she wasn't sure - hard to tell with those tusks stretching his lips. He said nothing of her part in any vision, but he did say he sensed her "incompleteness." She flinched at his words. "The Light has it's purpose," he said. Again, he provided nothing more than puzzles. Quite frankly, how others interpreted his words as prophecy, was beyond her.
The camps had grown considerably what with the Frostwolf clan and those who had passed through the portal. Others still, seemed to be from Draenor itself, many of which were draenei. It was fitting, she supposed as it had after all been one of the places the draenei inhabited in abundant numbers even though the planet was originally home to the orcs.
Some fairly rough-shod tents were being put up, supplying basic shelters for most. Pockets of people had all formed little campsite gatherings, some even trying to lift everyone's spirits with song and good banter. If this was indeed to be one of their last nights, no-one grudged a little merriment. Not even those of higher standing.
The hierarchy of course, the Kirin Tor, had their tents pitched with all manner of luxuries inside. Khadgar was no exception and he and the other members of the Six all had their private chambers within a large circle, two Kirin Tor Banners being buffeted at the entrance point by the evening breeze.
Sarah had refused to acknowledge the grandeur. In fact it repulsed her. Such pomp and circumstance at a time such as this?
Inwardly, she was furious with Khadgar for being so perfunctory. Perhaps though, it was more the others' doing than his? She hoped so. It was in truth, so unlike him, but then again, she felt she no longer knew the man.
Within the space of just over a week, he had gone from a caring, proud father, and warm, attentive partner to a cold, distant stranger. Illidan kept assuring her it was the poison of the Void, just as it affected so many others.
Certainly tempers were frayed, tolerances were at an all time low and the odd brawl had erupted, but still, it was hard for her to accept that her beloved Khadgar was also victim to the plague of morbidity and pessimism. That said, what else could it possibly be? He was at heart a kind, loving and generous man, who did everything in his power to protect all that was dear to him and the people of Azeroth. Of course there was a professionally serious side to him, there had to be, but not to this degree. Not to the point where his eyes never warmed and his mouth never smiled. How she missed her Khadgar; the one she knew and loved.
Rishuul lay beside Sarah, the yellow eyes watching all that was going on around them. Sarah sat with her back to the affluent tents and patted the big cat's head. Rishuul was a pleasant distraction from the all the finery behind her.
She hadn't even voiced an opinion when the tents were erected, she just looked away in disgust and concentrated on building their own camp and helping Gwen and Bernie prepare the evening's meal for their group. There was enough to go round, it was nothing grand but it would sustain them. It seemed the creatures in the area had been spooked, most likely from the pending threat, and so it was fairly slim pickings for Erik and Lhadral to provide their meals.
Erik grunted drawing her attention from the meat roasting on the small spit. He held out his hand to Gwen. "Think oo'll tak' a wee stroll while dinner's cookin'," Erik said, as Gwen took his hand. The female dwarf glanced behind Sarah, then nodded to Erik as she stepped away from the campfire.
"It won't be that long until it's ready though," Sarah protested.
"Long enough, me thinks," he answered, indicating someone approaching from behind. Sarah sighed heavily, she just knew it was Khadgar. She nodded to Erik and watched as he and Gwen strolled off.
She quietly counted to ten then turned and looked up. He stood with blankets in hand. Really? She thought, biting back the urge to react with a sneer. The urge to read his mind was irresistible. A quick glance at his eyes however, told her he would be prepared for that; no doubt he had formed a wall that prevented her from probing his thoughts. Without bothering to open herself to more hurt by finding her suspicions were founded, she just huffed and turned back to the spit.
"I thought you could use these, to keep you warm" he said, almost reverently.
"Someone will benefit, no doubt," she scoffed, throwing a look over her shoulder. Her heart was hammering as she struggled to stay calm. There was so much she wanted to say but saying it without screaming, shouting or worse, crying, was proving hard. She saw him place the blankets beside her. She fought the urge to touch his hand.
"I could conjure some food..." he offered.
"No. Thank you, we are fine."
He glanced at the slim pickings on the spit and the few bowls of jerky, bread and cheese. "You need to eat."
"No, I don't. I'm not exactly going to starve to death now am I? I am immortal - remember! Save your food for those who need it." It had all come out much sharper than she intended.
He cast his eyes to the ground. "I was thinking of your friends."
She felt her insides collapse at that statement. "Of course, you were," she mumbled. How stupid of me to hope you had thought of me, her mind screamed.
Silence. She looked up through her lashes to see the others standing not too far away. They were trying to be subtle, but she knew they were watching, listening as best they could.
Illidan's obvious disdain at the Kirin Tor luxury however, was not so well disguised. For all he had insisted none of it was Khadgar's doing, he still mumbled it was disgraceful the Archmage had left Sarah out in the cold. Now seeing him coming with blankets was adding insult to injury. His fists clenched, he was finding it difficult to stay his ground. Arcaena put a hand on his arm, attempting to ward him off from getting involved and saying anything. He grunted and turned away.
She heard Khadgar huff behind her and gathered he'd noticed the exchange between the demon hunters, aware of its meaning. He moved round to her side. Her eyes rested on his boots. "Sarah," he said. "You know why I am angry with you. You should not have come here. Ocel is ..."
"Fine!" she retorted harshly. She bolted upright. She would not allow him to cast her as a contemptible mother. Fighting to keep the tremor from her voice she lowered her tone so those near would not be privy to their conversation. "He is fine, Khadgar. Lukha is watching over him in Stormwind. Do you honestly think me so incompetent a mother now, as to leave him uncared for?"
"That is not what I meant..." His tone hardened.
"Glad to hear it!" her eyes blazed at his. "At least I said goodbye to him, and told him I loved him before I left. Did you?" she challenged.
He shifted uneasily on his feet, then a little quietly he uttered, "As a matter of fact I did."
"You left the house without so much as a wave, you didn't even go in to see him!" she hissed.
"I teleported back, later. When you were..." his voice drifted.
Her breath caught in her throat. Rejection washed over her yet again. "Sleeping?" she finished for him. He nodded and looked away briefly. "How considerate of you," she managed, her eyes drifting skyward in a bid to stem the tears. If he could dig the blade in any further she would be very surprised.
"All I want is for you to be safe - immortal or not," he said hurriedly, moving closer so only she would hear. "Both of you! I do not know how well I will fare against the Void, Sarah, if at all, but worrying about you being here has not made the task ahead any easier to deal with."
"You worry about me Khadgar?" She guffawed. "Oh, I can tell! That's why you recline in luxury with your snobby upstarts from the Kirin Tor, is it not?" She pointed an accusatory finger to the purple accommodation. "Meanwhile, the mother of your son means so much to you, you come out offering food and a few blankets for her to sleep outside under the stars."
She saw his jaw tighten and his eyes darken. She had touched a nerve there. But she was far from done. "Then you have the audacity to tell me off for wanting to help so our son has a chance to grow up and lead a happy life?"
He grabbed her arm, pulling her closer. "Sarah, you don't understand..."
She shirked free of his grip. "No! You don't understand! We are all facing an enemy which none of us really know how the hell to defeat. You and your cronies over there are no more prepared for this than we are!" A flicker of uncertainty flashed over his eyes. She took a deep breath and continued. "And contrary to your beliefs, this is not a show of superiority on my part for I know am no better than anyone else, and most certainly not better than you. Nor is it meant as a slight against you or your colleagues! I just had to work harder at it Khadgar because I was the outsider, an alien, someone people didn't know whether to trust, or even like! I was the weirdo that played at all this for fun on a machine!"
His eyes warmed a little, the hint of a smirk played at the corner of his lips. He looked thoughtfully towards the Kirin Tor camp.
After a moment he was about to say something, but Sarah, who had been looking towards her friends, continued with her train of thought. " I am doing this for us - you, me and Ocel, as well as Azeroth." She turned to face him. "I am simply wanting to do right and I am trying to work with you, not against you, but you have shut me out. The naaru, have said that I can help. I admit I don't know how yet, but I'm working on it. Can't you see that?"
He stared at her. She could tell he was trying to work out her logic, though inevitably, no doubt, it would be nullified. "And what if you don't work it out? What then?" he said, the familiar indomintable expression of a Leader of the Kirin Tor having returned to line his face.
She sighed, realising with a sharp twinge in her heart that she had just wasted her time trying to make him understand or feel anything other animosity against her. "Then I guess we're fucked!" And there it was. Nullified!
He stood back, momentarily speechless from her profanity but more so from the finality of her statement. His steel eyes glanced over her shoulder. The demon hunters and her friends were all huddled together, watching. He shook his head and started to walk away.
"There was a third curse bestowed upon me!" she shouted after him. He stopped, marginally inclining his head to the side. He said nothing, but she saw his chest heave as he waited for her to continue. She swallowed and moved forward so she was directly behind him. "And right now, it's the worst of the three," she said, trying to keep the tremor from her voice. Still he didn't move or speak. "At least have the decency to look at me!" she pleaded.
Slowly he turned. He stood straight and tall, his eyes catching the yellow glow of the campfire. He saw her lip quiver as she spoke. He subconsciously swallowed, something in her tone tugged at his heart. His eyes remained fixed on her lips as she spoke.
"I am cursed to love you for all eternity, even though you do not feel the same for me anymore." His steel gaze moved up to her eyes. She poured out the next words before her resolve vanished. "And I miss you - the Khadgar I once knew that is. I don't even know if he is still in there anymore." She prodded his chest, then gulped in a lungful of air and turned to leave, the tears now flowing freely.
His hand caught her arm, but she shrank from his touch, shaking her head, and retook her seat by the campfire pretending to busy herself with dinner. Rishuul nudged her arm so it wrapped round the back of the great cat's neck. The yellow eyes watched Khadgar, warily.
Her pain was worn like a shroud and blatantly apparent to all who watched the exchange. Instinctively Bernie clasped Drew's hand. Drew empathized with Illidan's take on the situation also and he wanted nothing more than to go and punch Khadgar for being such a prick. For all he too, was aware that the Void sapped many hopes and emotions, he nonetheless wanted to beat the man senseless. He knew how deeply Sarah felt for the Archmage and it pained him immensely to see her hurting so acutely.
Khadgar quietly observed the group of friends, some of which looked away as he made eye contact with them. With one last long look in Sarah's direction, he sighed, then turned and headed back to the Kirin Tor camp.
Vargoth and Modera saw him entering the camp with a face like thunder. They both looked out towards where the woman Sarah and her entourage were stationed.
Modera eyed Illidan with an incontestible aversion. She was not overly impressed with the creature and had not forgiven him for his outburst in the Violet Citadel. Puny council, indeed! Vargoth had followed Khadgar into his tent. Modera, with a victorious smirk, thought she might just pay a visit to so-called apple of her Leader's eye.
Gwen and Erik had rejoined Sarah and together with Drew, Lhadral, Bernie, Mel and Mick, they were starting to eat their supper. Illidan joined them. He considered one thing Khadgar had said, and thinking back to his days with Lord Ravencrest, he pulled on his abilities to do exactly as the Archmage offered and conjured food for them all. Sarah gasped as did the others, except for Arcaena. " I didn't know you could do that!" Sarah said.
"Hmm, I'm a little rusty, but it is better than what you had," Illidan smiled, his fangs glinting in the firelight.
"Full of surprises aren't you, Betrayer?" Modera's acidic tone said from behind the group.
The demon hunter turned and rose to his full height, towering over the Champion of the Tirisgarde. It had been some time since anyone had called him by that name. He resented the name now, and his face clearly showed it as his lips curled back over his fangs. Modera fought off a flinch at his threatening presence. All eyes turned on her.
Sarah rose up and turned to face her. "What do you want?" she asked.
"To speak with you, that is all," Modera said, her eyes still flitting between Illidan and the rest of the group.
"Well, speak, then go back to your pampered pavilion," Sarah said dismissively as she chewed on a piece of jerky.
Modera looked down her nose. "Do you have any idea to whom you are speaking?" She stepped closer to Sarah, out of Illidan's shadow.
"Yes, and to be honest, I don't care," Sarah replied, completely unfazed by the woman. She heard a snicker behind her and assumed it was probably from Mick.
Modera pushed her chin forward and clasped her hands firmly in front of her, almost matronly. "Seems there is little you do care about, Sarah, including Khadgar, or his son."
Sarah's eyes blazed at the woman's insolence. She took a step closer to the slender woman. "And what gives you the right to question who or what I care about?"
"The fact that had you not infected and distracted him with your foolish Earthly wiles he would probably know how to deal with this threat which looms over us all."
The rest of the group tensed. The intimation was crystal clear. Modera loathed the woman who Khadgar loved, believing Sarah responsible for having prevented him from focusing properly on his duties and responsibilities.
Sarah however, was never phased by the powerful females in Azeroth, two of which had took an instant dislike to her once. She fired back in her usual inimitable manner when tackling such women. "Probably? Is that a hint of uncertainty about your esteemed leader's capabilities, I am hearing? Take care Modera, your words could easily be misconstrued and suggest you have no faith in him. Mutinous talk, indeed."
Modera puffed out her less than ample chest, incensed that her insult was thrown back at her. "How dare you!"
"Yes, I dare," Sarah growled. "You pompous, arrogant bitch! How dare you come out here and speak to me in the manner which you do. I am his life partner, the mother of his son and whether you like it or not, that will always outrank you!"
Modera sneered back. "Yet, he leaves you out here ..." she cast her eyes to the ground and waved her hand over the folded offerings. " ...with a blanket. Oh yes, you outrank me right enough, Sarah of Earth!"
Touché, Sarah thought. Bloody good actually. And painfully true.
Modera!" A male voice shouted from the edge of the Kirin Tor camp. Vargoth stood at the perimeter, his familiar, the water element Glacious, beside him.
The woman glanced over her shoulder and sighed a little irritably before turning back with a supercilious smirk. "Ah, seems I am wanted," she said.
Sarah bristled. She heard the unspoken sentiment, Unlike you." Never one to let her antagonists have the last word she spat out her final response, "Better hurry back then. Mustn't keep you from kissing your leader's arse must we, since you seem to think that makes you important."
Before the egotistical mage could respond, Sarah turned away and started serving up dinner to her companions.
Modera, infuriated, stomped off back to her camp. On reaching Vargoth she glared. "What!" she said hotly.
"He's gone."
She paled. "What do you mean gone?"
"He teleported out. He said there was something he needed to do."
Khadgar stood surveying his study. It felt strangely alien to him, standing in their home with no Sarah or Ocel in the rooms along the hall. He closed his eyes and imagined he could hear her laughter and his son's infectious chortle. He felt his heart clench. How have things come to this, he wondered. Sometimes he had felt like he was a puppet, dancing to the tune of the Void, unable to make his own decisions, or at least the correct ones.
He had heard himself say such dreadful things to Sarah over the past few days. Granted, some things had crossed his mind even before the Void had made its presence known, such as the affiliation she seemed to have with Illidan. Perhaps he resented that they had a power which he was not privy to? Was that part of his issue with her? No, deep down he knew it was not. The demon hunters, elven and human alike, worked together well and he could not deny that. Was the issue even Sarah?
No. In the safe confines of their home, he could finally admit it was fear that he was somewhat inadequate. As a leader, a warrior, an Archmage, a partner, a father. To have come so far, achieved so much and to now feel he would ultimately fail, that was what had truly been gnawing at his conscience, his vanity. His ego?
His emotions had been in turmoil, fueled by his fear of incompetence. A realisation that for all his years of dedication, studying and absorbing that which could be learned about magic, history, the multi-racial denizens and the past and potential threats to Azeroth, he was not confident that he could protect those he loved from this pending apocalypse.
It had caused him sleepless nights, worry-filled days and shamefully, he had vented anger towards the one he loved above all others. He had not meant the hateful words he had said to her but, he had been unable to prevent them slipping from his mouth or invading his mind.
He sighed heavily and looked towards his had been neglecting his daily duty and for that he felt dreadful. It was a ritual he had begun from the day he'd found her, lying near the lake in Goldshire. An exercise in which he had been fastidious, even if it stole into time he needed for other matters, and it had become a labour of love. His negligence rose up and aggrieved him when she made her last comments but a few moments ago. Now he simply had to bring his testament up to date.
Of the things she had admitted to him recently, the only one that really concerned him was her ability to read his mind. Not that he had anything he wanted to hide from her, truthfully, but there were things that she need not be concerned about, such as things of state, Kirin Tor business.
As for the fact they would never have more children, well that had been a blow he had to admit, but then again he was blessed with his son, a miracle which he thought would never happen for him.
He did however, feel ashamed that he had not comforted her when the pain of that revelation so obviously cut deep for her. And then there was her immortality - concerns for her there were abundant. How would she cope with the loss of loved ones, friends, watching them grow old and wither before her ageless eyes? He feared so much for her being left alone, it made his heart bleed.
His breath caught in his constricting throat as images of her lost in sorrow flooded his mind. Over the past few days, he had lost sight of how fortunate he was to have the love of a woman who had willingly accepted all his foibles and failings. She had embraced them fully without judgement or question, and had turned her back on her own world and life to be with him. His heart swelled and wept at the same time.
He rounded his desk and opening the small pouch on his belt, he removed a delicate key. Bending down to the bottom drawer of the desk, he pulled it open and removed a steel box. He sat down and placed the box in front of him slotting the key in. With a metallic click the lock sprang open. Almost with reverence, he pushed the lid back and gazed at the box' contents.
A journal, in red leather, ornately embossed, in which only the best parchment was bound, sat within. It was a book documenting his love for Sarah. It was filled with all his emotions, moments they had shared, thoughts they voiced, sketches he had lovingly crafted and promises he'd intended to keep. He had poured his soul into this. She knew not of it's existence. Now perhaps, she should.
Opening the book to a fresh page, he picked up a quill. He dipped it in ink and tapped it lightly on the ink pot's rim. Then he paused. The sting of tears nipped as he contemplated the strong possibility he may not survive tomorrow. If fate planned to tear them apart, then she should know that she was not the only one 'cursed' to love forever. He loved just as fiercely and if this was to be the end, he needed her to know how he felt in a way he could not bring himself to say to her earlier.
He cast his eyes over Atiesh, the guardian's staff, leaning against the bookshelf to his right as he gathered his thoughts. Then after a few moments, he started to write.
My Darling Sarah
This may be the last entry I make in this journal, for I know not what tomorrow will bring, but your words to me a short while ago made this entry critical.
If you feel to love is a curse, then forgive me for having entered your life and burdening you so. But should you have meant, as I truly hope you did, that your love for me is as deep as the oceans of this world are bottomless, then know this, my love for you is tenfold.
I had never known what it was to feel complete until you entered my life. I thank Elune every day for the miracle that is you…
I hope this is not my swan song, but if it is, please never doubt that I always loved you and will continue to do so.
Forever more.
He wrote for another hour or so, until finally, he had said all he had to, wanted to, needed to. He left the book open and placed it in the centre of the desk, sorting a small disarray of documents and scrolls, so her name would be easily seen. If she made it home after tomorrow, hopefully she would find it. He prayed to Elune that it be so.
He replaced the steel box back in its drawer, closed it, then stood up. He considered walking through the house to perhaps say farewell, but decided against it. All he needed were the images of Sarah and Ocel, which were already imprinted in his heart and mind. If he crossed over to the Twisting Nether tomorrow, their faces were all he would need to survive the loneliness.
Grabbing his staff, he teleported back to Draenor and the cold confines of his tent.