(Author's note: This is the final chapter of the Adam/Kurt romance. Because JKCA was meant to be a collection of one-shots about Adam, not a single story, I'm going to take the Adam/Kurt out and give it its own home under the title "While We've Got the Chance to Say" (thanks to Kris Allen and flinchflower for helping me with a title). JKCA will continue to be a repository for Adam stories in the Donutverse. Feel free to throw Adam prompts at me on my tumblr, nubianamy dot tumblr dot com. Thank you to everyone who's loved my Kadam! There will be more. -amy)
Epilogue, twelve days later
Jacob stood in the doorway, looking around at the travesty Adam's apartment had become. "He hasn't called yet," he guessed, arms crossed.
"He will," Adam snapped, hunched over the papers spread out before him on the coffee table. "They both will. Kurt has late Cheerios practice, and Noah's having dinner with his dad."
"Again?" He tried not to frown. Timothy had told him too many stories about Aaron Puckerman for him to feel good about that idea. "You really think he should be seeing -"
"I'm not going to interfere with family matters." Adam's tone was bitter. "It's not... my place."
"Does he belong to you or not, man?"
Adam sighed, resting his head in both hands. "It's not as simple as that."
"Okay, no, I get that." Jacob shut the door behind him and came over to sit on the arm of the couch, where he could see the papers were covered with scrawls and musical phrases. "You're writing a song?"
"Kind of. Not really. I don't know." He flinched a little as Jacob put a hand on his shoulder, and glanced up at him with hollow eyes. "He doesn't belong to only me. That means there's an order. Somebody's got to be - the top Top. When he was visiting me, he was mine, but... when he's at home, I don't get to have that."
"You really think so? I'm sure Kurt would negotiate that with you."
"Sure, Kurt would. But there's Finn, now, and... Noah's very happy." Adam shrank down even smaller. "Both of them are. Him, and Kurt. All three of them. There's no place for me in their life in Ohio."
Not another diva fit, Jacob sighed to himself, trying not to roll his eyes. But aloud, he only said, mildly, "You're going to see them in two and a half weeks. Sounds like a place to me."
"In Iowa." Adam sounded far too dismissive of Iowa, considering where they would be going there together. Jacob squeezed his shoulder and felt Adam relax a fraction. "But not in their lives, there. I'm the fantasy. Their reality is high school, their futures together. Each other. It's just the way it is."
"You really can't tell me you think they're going to just forget about you."
Adam smiled, shaking his head. "Connections like ours... I don't think they just fade away. But I can see it, Jacob. All weekend, I could see it. What we could have, if they weren't already committed someplace else."
He tightened his hand again. "Pretty sure it's not your place to try to cut them out of their previous relationships."
"I know," Adam moaned. "It's horrible. I would never suggest it to them. But... I can't stop myself thinking it. Imagining... what it could be. And trying to let go of that, it's..." He sniffed, reaching for a tissue. Jacob could see a pile of them on the floor next to the couch.
"Sucks," Jacob offered gently.
Adam flung himself back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. "I feel like I'm losing my mind. Every morning I wake up thinking, it can't be worse than yesterday, tomorrow's going to be better, and... it's worse." He turned red eyes on Jacob. "What if it gets so bad I can't handle it? The tour... and I've got business to resolve with 19E next week... Monte's already riding my ass about auditioning dancers, and I can't even eat breakfast."
Jacob considered the papers spread out on the table. "This... is this helping?"
"I think it might, if I could figure out the music part. You know I can't write music worth a damn. I mean, I think I know how it might go..." Adam reached for two of the sheets, humming to himself.
"You've written music before."
"With Monte's help," he corrected. "I don't want it to sound like I'm twelve. They deserve something good."
"So who wrote your big hit?" Jacob prodded him in the shoulder. "Call Alecia. She knows about everything you're going through. I bet she'd help you sort through what you have so far and put it together." He surveyed the scrawls. "You've got a lot of material."
"Yeah, well... that's what happens when you can't stop thinking about somebody. It collects in your brain. Ferments. Congeals." Adam stared off into the mid-distance, his eyes going soft. Jacob sighed.
"Okay. Here's what we're going to do." He watched Adam focus on him, listening desperately. It was almost embarrassing, but Jacob wasn't going to leave his boss to... whine himself to death. "I'm going to put on some hot water and make tea. You're going to take a shower, because... really. Take a shower. While you're doing that, I'll spend five minutes doing your dishes, and then you're doing the rest. And then I'll sit with you while you tell me all the sappy stuff you want to about Noah and Kurt. I won't even make any jokes or anything." He pointed to the messy sheaf of papers. "You write it all down. Then you call Alecia, and set up some time with her to make sense out of it. Sound good?"
Adam was nodding, already pulling himself off the couch. "Yeah... okay. I can do that."
It wasn't as painful as Jacob expected it would be. He supposed part of that was because he'd come to know Noah and Kurt pretty well over the past five days, and he had a lot of fondness for them himself. The other part, well... maybe Adam wasn't the only one having a lot of strong feelings for somebody unexpected. More than once while Adam was waxing eloquent about Kurt's strength or Noah's obedience, he found himself drifting into daydreams of his own.
"I was in a lonely place when I met Noah," Adam said. "Things were already bad with Drake for months before we split, but we never had anything like this, not even at the beginning. He showed me something about myself I had barely considered - being in charge like that, it came so naturally when I saw him struggling."
Jacob took a sip of his tea. "Do you think you could do that with other guys? Meet somebody local? You already have connections in the scene."
"No, that's just it," he insisted. "I've done plenty of stuff. I've pretended at this. But he was the first one to make it feel like more than playing. He made me believe. He showed me how much I want it."
"So, he's not the only guy in the world you could do it with."
Adam sighed. "I suppose. Finding someone this way, making a connection like this, in the LA or Hollywood scene? Not likely? It's not the physical stuff I'm thirsty for. It's these two guys. Not a replacement."
"No, but it might be better than driving yourself crazy." Jacob took the empty cup out of Adam's hands. He already looked calmer - and cleaner - in his black robe, sitting there at the table. "Why don't you make that call?"
Talking to Alecia, he was much more animated, laughing as he described his situation. When he hung up, Jacob went to him and gave him a hug. He felt Adam cling to him for just a moment before letting go.
"Timmy's a lucky guy," he said, with a sheepish smile.
My boy, Jacob thought, grinning back. "It's mutual. Hey - about what I was saying about seeing other guys. It's not that I think Kurt and Noah aren't cool. You guys are great together. But I'm invested in your career, and keeping you sane. I don't think your boys would complain if you wanted somebody else to play with. Somebody you don't have to hide, maybe."
"Somebody else to take care of." Adam didn't look thrilled at the idea.
Or somebody to take care of you. Jacob put an arm around his shoulder. "They're young. You've got time. Let them grow up, and see what happens. Maybe it'll settle down, seem less dire."
He gave Jacob a half-smile. "You think so?"
"Definitely," Jacob said. "How about we order some Indian? I'm starving."
youtu. be / zaBLRAM0APk
I was going blind
Almost lost my mind
Letting go what we could share
I love you always
Connections like ours are not made to fade
I thought I could find someone else to mind
Moving past these routine days
I love you always
Connections like ours are not made to fade
Just the way it is
Just a song now
Just the way it is now
Just the way it is
Just a song now
Just the way it is now
You were the first
Now I believe
You showed me my thirst
You let me lead
You had to grow
I had to go
Maybe if we lived just at night
There'd be no expectations
Shutting out real life
Walls of degradation
Just the way it is... now.
I, I was going blind
I almost lost my mind
I'm letting go what we could share
Loving you always
Connections like ours are not made to fade away
- Adam Lambert, "Just the Way It Is"