AN: The things I write you. Seriously.
Chapter 26
Chief Charlie wasn't helping me make it down the aisle in a straight line. He kept bumping us into the guests seated on the folding chairs.
"Sorry!" My dad kept barking to the poor human targets. "I think that woman tripped me, Bells!"
He was loud.
I had one beer. Chief Charlie had five. It was obvious which one of us was inebriated.
"Whoa!" I tripped and fell into Tanya's lap.
Maybe not so obvious.
"Do I get to kiss the bride?" She asked with a wink.
I punched her in the shoulder.
Pulling myself up with no help at all from my barely coherent Pop, I inwardly cursed the voluminous skirts from the ivory gown stolen from the set of The Tudors.
Likewise, Henry the Eighth would have been impressed by the decor. The recreation room of the Forks Senior Citizens Center had been transformed into a royal wonderland of purple and silver banners, golden gargoyles on pillars and candelabras filled with ruby candles giving the room an otherworldly glow. It was pretty impressive if you liked that kind of hoopla.
Uncle Aro was in his minstrel finery playing his lute accompanied by Cousin Caius who played a small drum while glaring at his father. The moody, blond boy was not a fan of having to play instrumental tributes to everlasting love. The tattoos of demons on his neck suggested death metal to me, which would be more enjoyable than listening to his father butcher the lute.
My kid stood at the end of the aisle beaming at me in his tights and waist coat thing. I'm sure it had a fancy name, but it didn't matter. The important part was that my kid looked nice. Fine... He looked amazing. Even with that little, gold crown on his head.
He took my hand when we reached him. I said, "What up, kid?"
"You're the loveliest woman I have ever seen," he whispered into my ear.
Isn't he a charming monkey?
The giant stood next to my kid and wiggled his fingers to give me a wave. He was dressed up like the hugest court jester ever. The bright colors and silk were not at all slimming. The jester's hat just looked ridiculous. Which for the giant was very fitting.
Annie Oakley was my maid of honor. "Fuck Edward Cullen."
Hee. Hee. Hee.
There were many dropped mouths.
"Friends and family, we are here to celebrate..." Dr. Carl started blabbing dressed in his wizard robes. They were covered in stars and moons. I looked at my kid in confusion. I could see some tribute to The Lord of the Rings or, since it was Dr. Carl, Harry Potter. However, this bad costume was from the discount bin at The Dollar General.
"Robe?" I mouthed.
Edward looked embarrassed and mouthed back to me, "He lit the good one on fire."
Silly Dr. Carl and his feats of magic. They always went bad.
The ceremony itself was pretty painful. Dr. Carl can drone on for hours about absolutely nothing and even more about the nature of love.
Blab, blab and more blabbing.
I started shifting back and forth. I had to pee. It was my own fault for not breaking the seal after having that beer. It was a bad decision.
Pee. Pee. Pee...
"Bella?" Dr. Carl said to me.
"Huh?" Pee. Needed to pee.
"Your vows, dear."
I looked at my kid who looked proud of himself and smiled at me with fat, baby Cupids in his eyes. Oh shit.
He had said his vows and I completely missed them, because of my singing the I Have To Pee song in my head.
I really hope someone recorded him saying sappy word of devotion. I really should watch that.
My turn. Umm...
"You're more... Ahh... Tolerable now. I like your face. Umm... Your kissing is skilled and forceful. Less tongue would be cool sometimes. Ahh... You're nice to my bird." I looked at the ceiling. There was stains. They must have a leak. I looked back to my kid. He was grinning. "I guess... Umm... I will watch Highlander with you and not... Hmm... Mock it so much. Not promising though. I love you, dude."
He beamed. I still needed to pee.
"King Edward, do you take Isabella as your queen?"
Really?
My kid kissed my hand and placed a ring on my finger. "I pledge my everlasting love to my queen."
"Queen Isabella, do you take Edward as your King?"
Really?
Why not?
"Cool," I replied.
"The ring!" Teeny Tiny Dictator cried as she stuffed a ring into my hand.
Oh yeah. I crammed it on his finger. He could cram those fingers somewhere else after the reception. Hee. Hee.
Dr. Carl started to say, "You may kiss..."
"Oh my god! My water broke!" Trailer screamed.
I heard gushing water and squeezed my thighs shut even harder.
Have to pee. Have to pee.
Dr. Carl rushed into action. I watched as he checked her contractions and started ordering people around. Impressive.
Maybe I can slip out to the restroom...
"Bella, hold onto Rosalie's hand!" I was directed by the good doc. I guess we were delivering this melon here.
Chief Charlie fainted.
The giant looked like a clown at the birth of his first born. Hilarious.
"I hate you, Emmett!" Trailer screamed. "I'm going to cut off your balls and feed them to you!"
Best wedding ever.
I watched in amazement at Trailer giving birth. It was like a really gory horror movie. I loved ever minute of it. My kid looked nauseous.
It was like a humongous beast was coming out of her vagina. That gigantic baby was going to destroy Tokyo. That girl was huge like her behemoth father.
Also, that baby had a set of lungs on it like her mother. Loud, so very loud.
As Trailer attached that screaming baby gorilla to her boob, I leaned over her and said to my kid, "Kiss the bride?"
He did passionately.
Our first kiss was over a nursing Trailer. That's what memories are made of.
I pulled away and announced, "I'll be back! I've got to pee."
Thirty minutes later, I figured out how to lift those damn skirts to find relief and for my kid to corner me in the tiny bathroom.
We consummated our wedded bliss in the Forks Senior Citizens Center's bathroom.
Perfect.