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kagirinai yogore naki monogatari
Endlessly untainted story
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"I've tried everything! I kissed him in public, he told me not to. I've… um… done other stuff, he says that doesn't matter. I mean…" Yuuri looked imploringly at Murata. "I've done everything I can think of to prove that I'm over my hang-ups! What more does he want from me?"

Murata sighed. This was taking time away from actually accomplishing something. And since when was he the default relationship councillor for the Maou? Oh, yeah, since he stuck his stupid nose in the Maou's romantic affairs and offered. Rookie mistake, although it had been funny at the time. Oh well, might as well have fun with it… "When you say 'other stuff', what exactly do you mean, Shibuya?"

Yuuri turned an interesting shade of scarlet. "Um… you know…" He laughed nervously. "We… kinda… did it."

Oh, this was becoming interesting. "Are you sure? I mean, let's face it, you're pretty naïve, maybe you just think you had sex, but really…"

"Murata!" Yuuri waved his hands, cutting Murata off. "Don't just say it like that! And we did too have sex, I was there, I think I should know!"

Murata leaned forward. "Really? I'm going to need more details before I'm convinced."

Yuuri shook his head furiously. "No. No chance, no way, just no."

"Oh, c'mon, Shibuya. If you'd bedded a girl, you'd probably be bragging by now," Murata chided. "It's really not something you should be ashamed of. Maybe that's part of von Bielefeld's problem with you."

"I'm not ashamed," Yuuri said quietly. "It's just not something I feel comfortable talking about."

Murata sighed. The trade arrangements were all but finalized, but he wanted to be there for the final drafting. "If you're not willing to talk about it, I fail to see how I can help you. I don't need details, I'm pretty sure you can't remember them very accurately after your first time anyways." Yuuri flushed. "But I do need some particulars."

"Like what?"

"Who started it, who was on top, what happened after, those sorts of things." Murata found himself talking this seriously for some reason. Maybe it was just that Yuuri seemed so despondent all of a sudden.

"…I started it, I was on top, and after we… cuddled. I guess." Yuuri shrugged. "It was good, Wolfram liked it too. Any other questions?"

"Did he orgasm?"

"Murata!"

"Did he?" The fact that Murata looked serious didn't necessarily mean anything.

"Yes, yes he did." And then cleaned off the evidence under the cover of darkness.

"Good." Murata nodded. So the sex itself probably wasn't the problem. Not that orgasm didn't mean that the sex was necessarily consensual or emotionally enjoyable for Wolfram, but the thought of Yuuri taking advantage of Wolfram was laughable enough that that had never really been a concern. "Have you thought about trying something other than physical demonstrations?"

"Sure." Yuuri shrugged. "But the physical stuff was the problem. I always admired Wolfram and liked him, but I could never handle the physical stuff. Now I can, I've proven that!"

Murata felt like banging his head against a hard surface. "That's nice." Positive reinforcement was important. "But that was your hang-up. You should really be working on Wolfram's issues now."

Yuuri looked adorably confused. "But Wolfram was never the problem, I was."

"He's the one refusing to marry you now, Shibuya," Murata reminded him. "He is the problem. And you have to fix him. Think about what he's missing, what he needs."

"I…" Yuuri shook his head. "He's perfect. He just needs to believe me, but I don't know how to make him."

"That's easy," Murata said. "You realize he's not perfect, figure out what he needs, and give it to him."

"But I don't know what he needs," Yuuri argued.

"I think you do, you just don't realize it yet. We've talked about this before, how you're skilled at finding what people are missing in their lives and filling that in. So consider this. What does, say, Weller-kyou need?"

Yuuri was a little tired of these games, but he had asked Murata for his help. "I guess… Conrad needs to feel useful, to be helpful and needed."

"Exactly." Murata had started with an easy one. "How about von Voltaire?"

"Control. Everything he does is an attempt to gain control. And stuff, like Anissina, that removes control from him makes him very nervous."

"Very good. Let's try Wolfram now."

"…love? He loved Conrad and then felt betrayed by him? Something like that?"

"You don't sound very certain of that, Shibuya," Murata chided him. "Let's try Greta instead."

"Um… security," Yuuri answered, then immediately corrected himself. "No, comfort. Security is part of it, but not enough. She needs to be cared for as well."

"Okay. What about me?"

"To be treated like an eighteen-year-old and not a wise old man, sometimes."

"Ah?" Murata said, surprised. He'd have guessed 'respect' or 'sympathy' or something along those lines. But Yuuri was actually closer to the truth. He wasn't actually The Great Sage, he just remembered being him. Those were two very different things. He was really just Murata Ken, university student and adviser to the Maou. Even Shinou had trouble remembering that he wasn't someone who had died 4,000 years ago.

"Sorry." Some of Murata's thoughts must have been visible on his face. Yuuri looked embarrassed. "I just thought…"

"No, never mind," Murata said, recovering his rhythm. "Let's go with Cheri-sama next."

"Support."

Murata was impressed. Cheri hid her insecurity well. "Gunter?"

"Attention. Aheheh… maybe that's just with me…"

"Anissina?"

"Respect. And challenges. Mostly challenges."

"Wolfram?"

"To be special. To be someone's most important person. To not always come in second or later."

There was a silence as Murata allowed Yuuri to realize what he'd just said. Yuuri's eyes widened and his jaw dropped. It was like he'd just figured this out. Murata would have thought that it obvious, but judging people close to you is more difficult than those removed. And Yuuri was either blind to Wolfram's desires, or too close to consciously realize what they were. But he knew. He'd always known.

Murata let Yuuri stew in his thoughts for a few moments, then interrupted them. They were almost certainly going around in circles by now anyways. "And Shibuya. What is it that you want? What do you need?"

"Wolfram."

Murata looked disappointed. "Seriously Shibuya."

Yuuri looked determined. "I. Need. Wolfram." Murata decided not to argue.

"Fine then. Here's what you do," Murata said, as if it was obvious. "You take Wolfram aside, sit him down and tell him that he's special to you."

"…it can't be that simple."

"Yes. Yes it can." Murata sighed. "Honestly, I can understand why Wolfram wouldn't want to talk about these things; he's afraid of hearing the wrong answers. Again. But I will never understand your phobia of blunt conversation."

"Maybe I'm afraid that I'll give the wrong answers. Again." Yuuri looked sad.

Murata felt slightly bad about that. Yuuri wasn't a bad person, even when it came to this. He was just a boy. "Listen, how about we practice first? Pretend I'm Wolfram."

"Do you really think that'll work?"

"Maybe. Give it a shot." Murata cleared his throat. "What did you want to talk to me about? Wimp."

Yuuri went along with it. "I wanted to tell you that you're special to me."

Murata snorted. "Of course I am, how many beautiful blond princes who are devoted to you do you know?"

Yuuri glared. "You don't have to imitate him that well…"

Murata laughed. "Just come out with it, Shibuya." He leaned forwards, imitating Wolfram again. "What do you want to tell me?"

"I…" Yuuri gathered his thoughts. "I already told you I loved you, that I was in love with you. I never mentioned that you're the only person I've ever felt anything like this before for." Before for? That was awkward. "Because I thought that was obvious. But, just in case you were wondering, you're the only person who ever made me feel like this."

"Oh, how?" Murata asked, curious as well as helpful.

"Like… like I can do anything with you by my side. And yet, that anything that I do for you will never be enough. Like nothing is more important that seeing you smile, making you happy. Like the world is brighter when you're here, or duller when you're not. You… you make food taste better, flowers smell nicer… good times better and bad times tolerable. You're the only person I can truly say has never lied to me or betrayed me. Even when you hid things from me, you were honest about it. I miss you when you're not around. Lately, I've missed you when you go to the bathroom even." Yuuri laughed. "But not when you're practicing, 'cause I can still see you then. It makes me feel good, just seeing you…" He trailed off.

Murata smiled. "That was very nice, Shibuya. Unpractised, unpolished, but nice."

"Thank you." Yuuri smiled distantly, thinking of Wolfram, missing him. "I meant it. Every word."

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Outside the room, Wolfram leaned against the wall, trying to breathe without screaming. His chest hurt, probably from lack of oxygen, because Wolfram knew full well that a broken heart didn't cause physical pain by itself. His thoughts raced with, oddly enough, one ringing out clearer than the others…

I always thought it would have been Weller…

Wolfram tore away from the supporting wall, moving quickly to his room, but refusing to lower himself enough to run. He had no idea what to do, but he knew that he should do it in private, rather than in a public hallway.

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"Any other suggestions?"

Murata didn't know why Yuuri would need any more suggestions. As far as he was concerned, if Wolfram didn't fall for Yuuri's sincere speech, there wasn't any hope. "Try making a list of everything special about Wolfram. Start with the things that are most important to you, personally, then add the things that you think are important to him, then all the rest. That's all the advice I have for you at this time."

"Okay." Yuuri took a deep breath. "I can do this. Wolfram should be back in an hour or so. I can do this. Thanks, Murata."

"No problem. Invite me to the wedding."

Yuuri grinned. "Definitely."

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"Wolfram. Wolfram! Open this door right now or I'll blast it open!" Lieven yelled, banging at Wolfram's locked door. Wolfram had just raced past him, looking like he was about to burst into tears or rip someone's heart out with his bare hands. Lieven didn't know what had happened to make him look like that, but he was sure that Wolfram shouldn't be left alone right now.

"I'm serious, you know I can do it!" And Gwendal would know as soon as he did, as well as all the other earth users in the castle. Lieven would prefer not to attract that much attention.

Apparently, neither did Wolfram. There was the click of the lock unlocking and the door opened slightly. Lieven took the opportunity and slipped into Wolfram's room, closing and locking the door behind him.

Now he was alone, with a possibly homicidal fire-wielder and a barred exit. Not his brightest moment. Lieven blinked to allow his eyes to adjust to the darkness in the room and found a Wolfram-shaped figure sitting on the bed, facing away from the door and Lieven. Lieven hesitated, then found the courage to approach. "Wolfram… are you oka-mgph…"

Wolfram's desperate kiss tasted salty and wet. He pulled back, leaving his hand cupping the back of Lieven's neck, holding him in place. "I've made up my mind. When can we leave?"

Lieven blinked. "Wait, what? Hold up a second, Wolfram. What… what happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it, it doesn't matter," Wolfram snapped. He pulled Lieven down for another kiss, this one almost angry. Lieven kissed back, more than willingly, moving to straddle Wolfram and wrapping his arms around him. Wolfram choked out something that sounded like a sob and Lieven tore his mouth away, fiercely embracing Wolfram and holding his head against his chest as Wolfram finally let out his frustration in an agonized scream. Wolfram's body was wracked with silent sobs, but the only sounds that escaped him after the scream were occasional pained whimpers. Lieven helplessly stroked Wolfram's hair and kissed the top of his head, murmuring soothing nonsense.

When Wolfram had finally calmed down, Lieven tilted his head up and kissed the tear tracks down Wolfram's cheeks. "Tell me what happened, Wolfram."

"Nothing." Wolfram's voice sounded dull. "It doesn't matter. I don't want to talk about it."

Lieven shifted his weight, subtly pinning Wolfram down. "I need you to talk about it." He kept his touch gentle but firm, using his dominant position to bully Wolfram into doing what he wanted. He wasn't particularly proud of this, but… it was for Wolfram's own good.

And it worked. Wolfram turned his head away from Lieven's gentle kisses and sighed, giving in. "I overheard Yuuri and The Great Sage talking."

Great. Lieven trusted Murata about as far as he could throw him, and Yuuri had a general tendency to be an idiot. Nothing good could come of any conversation between those two. "What were they plotting?"

"Nothing." Wolfram's voice caught and he had to take a deep breath before continuing. "Yuuri was just confessing his love, that's all."

It took Lieven a moment to process that. "Wait, Yuuri was confessing to The Great Sage?"

Wolfram nodded, miserably. Lieven gaped.

"Are… are you sure?"

Wolfram shot him a dirty look, a pale imitation of his normal irritated glare. "I didn't double check, if that's what you're asking, but it was pretty damn clear."

Lieven refused to be convinced. It just didn't make sense. "Maybe you misinterpreted something. Maybe Yuuri was talking about… like, friendship or something."

Wolfram shook his head. "Lieven… if Yuuri'd said any of that to me, you'd be on your way home alone by now."

That hurt. Lieven tried to look past his hurt feelings and tend to his friend. "Okay, so he said some pretty things. But he's been chasing after you like… like a determined horny puppy." The comparison was disturbingly apt. "I can't believe he'd change his mind so fast…"

"Who says he's changing his mind?" Wolfram retorted. "Maybe he still wants me too. After all, The Great Sage has to stay single to properly serve Shinou. Maybe I'll be the lucky token husband, taking care of domestic issues and ambassadors while the king and his sage go off to…" Wolfram's voice broke and he buried his head in Lieven's chest. Lieven just stroked his hair.

"Wolfram… this is what I was afraid of." Lieven sighed. He kissed Wolfram's forehead. "Let me take you away from all this."

Wolfram hesitated, barely noticeably, then nodded and let Lieven push him down to the bed. He wound his arms around Lieven's neck as Lieven peppered soft kisses over his face and down his throat. Wolfram tried desperately not to think of Yuuri, either of him confessing to Murata or of him moving over and inside him just hours ago. Wolfram felt tears threatening at the thought. Had it been so short a time that Yuuri had gone from wanting Wolfram to tossing him aside? Not that Wolfram could talk, laying on his back, letting Lieven comfort him.

Lieven slid a hand up Wolfram's shirt and Wolfram bit back a cry of protest. This felt wrong. It felt good, Lieven certainly knew what he was doing, but it still felt wrong. Lieven's hand moved up Wolfram's side to brush against his nipple and he nipped and sucked at Wolfram's throat, both actions that would normally turn Wolfram on, and all Wolfram could think was…

"No."

Lieven pulled away, breathing a little hard, eyes dilated. "What?"

Wolfram looked up into Lieven's eyes and repeated, more firmly, "No." He pushed Lieven away. "This feels…"

"This feels good," Lieven interrupted. "You know it does."

Wolfram shook his head. "It feels wrong. I… I'm sorry Lieven, I can't do this." He slid out from under Lieven and made his way to the door. Lieven fisted the quilt.

"He doesn't love you." All he does is hurt you.

Wolfram stopped and turned a little, not completely. "I… I'm still engaged. That's all."

"That's an excuse," Lieven accused. "That's not why this 'feels wrong' to you." You're still in love with him.

"Maybe. I don't know." Wolfram shrugged. "I have to go."

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Yuuri crumpled list #23 and tossed it in, well, towards the garbage bin, when he realized he was rehashing lyrics from a song he didn't particularly like. This was impossible! Fortunately, Wolfram hadn't come back yet and he still had time. Yuuri started on list #24.

The first few were easy and always the same. Wolfram's loyalty, Wolfram's patience, Wolfram's fiery temper. Things that Wolfram already knew. Hardly helpful. The next few were more personal. Wolfram's voice (when he wasn't annoyed), his eyes when they looked at Yuuri, pleased or impressed. The way he made Greta smile as if she hadn't a care in the world. List #17 had gone on for quite some time about the way he looked when Yuuri kissed him, the sounds he made when Yuuri touched him, but Yuuri scrapped that one for being too vulgar. This was when it got difficult. Yuuri knew the most wonderful things about Wolfram, but he didn't know how to express them. He was an 18-year-old boy with high school level Japanese and not even that in Shin Makokuese. He wasn't a poet!

He'd thought about going to Gunter about this, asking advice on word choice, syntax, etc… but then he realized that he'd have to explain to Gunter why he wanted to know all that.

It wasn't that he was ashamed of Wolfram. It wasn't even that he was ashamed of how he felt about Wolfram, even though there was still that small voice in the back of his mind reminding him that normal boys preferred girls. It was just the idea of explaining to someone else how he felt about Wolfram that was distasteful.

It was like sharing a secret. The more people who knew, the less of a secret it was.

His reluctance to talk to Gunter preyed on Yuuri's mind alongside the worry that he'd never be able to express his feelings properly and convince Wolfram to stay. After all, if he couldn't talk to Gunter – a man raised in Shin Makoku who was used to men marrying other men – how could he talk to his parents about this?

Well, his mom wasn't a problem. She'd already looked through bridal catalogues with Wolfram the last time he'd come to Japan. His father, however, was another story. He was a tolerant man, certainly more than most middle-aged salarymen, but Yuuri could remember the look of mild exasperation on his face as his mother raved about how wonderful it was that her son had found a strong, beautiful prince to marry. He also remembered the look of sympathy whenever Yuuri pulled away from an overly clingy Wolfram. Maybe it was just that, on occasion, Yuuri's mother could be a lot to take, but Yuuri suspected his father would prefer a daughter-in-law, thank you very much.

And then there was Shouri. Shouri, who had never liked the idea of Shin Makoku in the first place and really didn't like how it had changed his little brother. Shouri had become more accepting of everyone after it became obvious that they'd die for Yuuri in a heartbeat, but that didn't mean he didn't want his little brother back home and normal. After all, Yuuri had been a perfectly normal 15-year-old before he'd been flushed down a toilet and ended up Maou. Who was to say that, if he'd stayed in Japan, surrounded by normal people, encouraged to do normal things, he wouldn't be normal, with a girlfriend and a job or collage career.

But Yuuri hadn't stayed in Japan. He still thought of it as home, even as he thought of Shin Makoku as home, but it wasn't everything to him. The values that he'd grown up with were still strong within him, but some had gotten stronger. Like the belief that everyone should be given a fair chance, talking was better than fighting, and prejudices were just hurtful.

Other values had weakened or been destroyed, like the idea that okama were weak – Yozak ripped that one apart with a cheerful grin and a flex of his massive biceps. Of the bipolar nature of good and evil. Being the king of the 'evil' side gave Yuuri a new perspective on the idea of not being evil, just misunderstood. Having Wolfram as a fiancé, a first kiss, and a first lover had almost destroyed the idea that liking boys that way was a bad thing. Yuuri had hung on to that belief, having grown up in a culture where, even if you were gay, you tended to hide it and pretended to be straight in order to fit in. But now, having to choose between that belief and being true to himself and keeping Wolfram with him… there was no choice. Yuuri cheerfully bid his homophobia farewell and accepted that he was in love with the most beautiful, passionate, amazing person in either world.

Now… how to put that on paper in list form…

A flash of blue out the window distracted Yuuri from his thoughts. He abandoned his project in favour of watching Wolfram storming out of the castle towards the stables, with Lieven hot on his heels. So that was where he'd been. Yuuri tried to swallow the irritation and, yes, jealousy at the thought that his fiancé – his fiancé – was late back because he'd been with Lieven. At least it looked like they weren't having a very good time. Wolfram's face was set in a determined, angry expression, and Lieven looked frustrated and hurt. Yuuri wasn't one to take pleasure in another's pain, but in this situation there was only one Wolfram, and every loss for Lieven was a gain for Yuuri.

Murata sauntered up to them, looking like he was going to try to mediate. Yuuri mentally 'boo'ed him, hoping he'd fail and Wolfram would send Lieven away for good. Or at least for a while until things cooled down and they could all be friends again. As he approached, though, Wolfram reacted strangely, his face contorting with rage and some other emotion that Yuuri felt sure he'd seen before but couldn't properly place. Pain? Grief? Either way, nothing that Murata should have been able to make Wolfram feel. Wolfram turned and looked like he was going to run (something that Yuuri was more than familiar with) but before he could, Lieven grabbed his arm and barked something at him. Yuuri couldn't make out the words but he could just barely hear the tone and it was annoyed. Murata said something and Wolfram froze.

Something was wrong. Wolfram's back was to Yuuri and he couldn't see his expression, but there was something in the way Wolfram held himself, in the way he slumped over, that screamed defeat and despair. Yuuri was standing and pressed against the window unconsciously trying to get closer to comfort Wolfram somehow. It didn't work, the pane of glass and half a courtyard between them, but at least he had a clear view of Wolfram when he finally turned around, his head bowed as he faced Murata, Lieven's arms supporting him.

Yuuri couldn't find it in himself to resent Lieven for holding Wolfram when Wolfram looked like that. Murata said something, his arms extended in a peaceful, placating manner and Wolfram's head snapped up as he snapped a retort at The Great Sage. While Murata answered him, Yuuri watched as Wolfram's pained, angry expression drained away, replaced by surprise and then a kind of fierce hope as he tore away from Lieven and dashed towards the castle.

Well. That was… weird.

Out in the courtyard, Lieven stood, holding nothing but air where Wolfram had been moments before. Murata moved towards him and Lieven shook his head and laughed, his expression far from amused. Murata shrugged and Lieven turned away, heading for the stables which had been Wolfram's original goal.

Wolfram. Where was Wolfram?

Yuuri turned from the window and almost made it past the desk when the door to his study flew open, revealing a wild-eyed, frantic Wolfram. Yuuri gaped, unable to think of what to say, sure that if he tried, he'd make a mess of things.

Wolfram, for his part, tried to calm down and make a better impression on his king. He noticed the balled up pieces of paper on the ground and, curious and looking for a distraction, picked one up and started reading it. Yuuri bit back a protest, seeing as it was too late, and just hoped that that wasn't #17.

Wolfram looked up from the paper to meet Yuuri's eyes, shocked. Yuuri didn't say anything, didn't move, afraid that if he did, his reaction would be a sheepish, apologetic laugh which would likely only hurt Wolfram's feelings. When Yuuri didn't respond, Wolfram picked up another rejected list and read it, then another. Yuuri swallowed.

"Wolfram… listen… I'm not done yet." Now that Yuuri had started speaking, the words came pouring out. "These don't count, I'm still working on the final draft. And some of them have things on them that aren't… um… and some of them are missing important things… and I'm not that good with words in the first place…"

Wolfram didn't say anything, just walked up to Yuuri and stopped in front of him. Yuuri shut up and waited for his reaction.

"Yuuri… do you want me to stay?"

Yuuri closed his eyes, feeling relief and hope wash over him. "Yes."

Wolfram knelt in front of him, taking his hand and pressing his lips to it. "Then, Yuuri… Heika… I'm yours."