BPOV
"Ew, get away from me!" I yelled through my laughter. Edward had finished a set and he was dripping with sweat. And of course, knowing this, he made a beeline for me, pulling my face into his damp, bare chest.
It was fucking hot.
But, I couldn't tell him that. I had a smidgen of pride left thank you very much.
"You like it and you know it." He shook his head and perspiration flew of the tips in neat little drops, landing all over me.
"You smell."
"What? Are you going to tell me I have cooties next?" he teased.
"Maybe."
"Are you going to join us for the encore sunshine?"
"Maybe." It felt like there was lava bubbling in my belly. And though I had done it several times in the month since we left L.A, my nerves never abated.
"Come on Bella." Seth was now tugging on my head. "Let's do that cover of 'Wells'. I love that song. It sounds fucking amazing as a duet. Sorry Nessie," he added, grimacing at my daughter.
"Yeah Mom! Do it!" was all she had to say.
Then they were all begging me with whinny pleases and of course I succumbed to peer pressure. Moments later, I let Edward drag me on stage to the thunderous applause of the Texan audience. I still couldn't bear looking at them, seeing the seemingly endless sea of faces, so I let the bright lights blind me. A mic was now set up right next to Edward's. Looking at him was the only way I could to it.
So I sang the Expendables cover and a Vampire Sunrise original that was specially rearranged to include me.
That in and of itself was pretty unbelievable. I felt like I was encroaching on band territory, but they all seemed genuinely pleased and excited that I was providing some 'fresh meat' as Sam called it.
I sang two songs before awkwardly trotting of the stage where Nessie was waiting for me. I spend the few remaining songs of the concert standing to the side, arms resting around my daughter as we watched her father do what he did best.
Well, second best. He had other talents, but those were demonstrated in a much more private setting.
Touring with Vampire Sunrise was shockingly low key. Most nights were spent gathered together, shooting the shit, goofing around, and always, always, always playing music.
We were junkies, all of us hopelessly and forever addicted to music. And even with the tri-weekly shows, we couldn't get enough.
It was fucking great.
And even though it was usually quite, I was coming to realize that all four of them were perpetually twelve years old. There was wrestling and punching and snot rockets and wet willies. They were internally engaged in a prank war, one they all simultaneously claimed to be winning.
Nessie and I would typically stand back and watch, rolling our eyes and shaking our heads at their antics.
They might have been preteens at heart, but they were also rockstars. We were mobbed coming and leaving every show, our faces were constantly in the press, and now that I was singing, there was a renewed interest in the story of my family.
But that was the life that Edward chose, that I chose, and we made it work.
After the show in Houston, everyone agreed that they were in dire need of sustenance. The record company had provided a large car for the band to use while we were in Texas and everyone pilled in. Emily had flown in a week before and though I didn't know her very well, I craved female company. She was sitting in the back row with Sam who was trying to be a very back seat driver. He was yelling at Emmett who was yelling right back.
"Where the hell have you taken us Emmett?" Sam boomed. "Does it look like any of this shit is open? Sorry Nessie."
"Will you just shut the fuck up and let me work my magic? Sorry Bella."
I rolled my eyes. Both Ness and I were used to hearing many an expletive at this point. Nessie was being exposed to all sorts of things typical ten year olds were never exposed, but I had to remind myself that it was worth it. Ness was a good kid and she was a veteran tourer. She had spent a great deal of time on the road and with the boys at home. She was used to them where as I was not used to her being used to them.
Touring was a complete departure to every part of normal life. For example, it was past midnight and instead of being tucked away in bed, my daughter was sitting quietly between Edward and myself in the middle row of an Escalade, preparing to join a rock band in a late night feast.
Definitely not normal.
Eventually Emmett spotted a diner that appeared to be in the process of closing for the night. When I voiced this observation Emmett laughed and offered to bet me 100 bucks that the establishment would stay open for Vampire Sunrise.
I was glad I didn't take the bet and five minutes later Sam, Emily, Seth, Emmett, Edward, Nessie, and I were all seated with menus.
Sometimes I forgot that they were not the same young men I spent so much of my youth with. They were famous now. Also unbelievably rich.
"Bella, you sing so beautifully. It was really great," Emily said from directly across the table from me, touching my hand to get my attention. I had been busy staring at Edward (a habit I hoped would end when all this awe of being with him got less intense) and had been paying no attention.
But now everyones eyes were on me and I was blushing like mad.
"Thanks Emily," I murmured.
"Bella is such a badass," Seth announced. "When you do that sustained wail thing at the end at the end of the chorus in 'The Unsettled Land'? That shit is just crazy."
"Thanks Seth." I was definitely not comfortable being the focus of the conversation or receiving all this praise. I was blushing so red I felt the need to bury my face in Edward's shoulder. He clucked and patted my head as the waitress came to take our orders.
"Mommy? Can I have pie? With ice cream?" Nessie asked, eyes bright despite the extremely late hour.
"Alright, as long as I can have a bite." She giggled and nodded and I kissed her nose.
"Can have the apple pie please? With ice cream?"
"Of course you can sugar," drawled the busty young waitress. "You are just the cutest little thang, looking just like your mamma and daddy. You three are just the most adorable little family. Your daddy just about broke the hearts of all my girlfriends though, finally settling down."
"Uh…" Nessie said, blinking in confusion at the rapid speech. "Thank you?"
This had the whole table erupting into laughed. The waitress put in the order before returning with paper take out menus and pens, getting autographs for all of those heart broken friends of hers.
"I would like to purpose a toast," Emmett said, raising his drink after all the food arrived. "To the lovely ladies who make my band mates and brothers so happy they are somewhat bearable to be around out on the road." Everyone nodded at Emily, Nessie, and me before sipping from their glasses.
I glanced at Edward, whose arm had never strayed from the back of my chair. He was grinning my absolute favorite crooked smile, the picture of utter contentment and joy and love.
I knew just how he felt.
EPOV
Despite the obscenely late hour we arrived back to the hotel after Emmett's mandatory midnight feast, my darling daughter somehow convinced me that she needed me to read to her in order for her to fall asleep.
She choice Margie Palatini's classic Piggy Pie, a charming if not somewhat morbid tale of a witch who travels to Old McDonald's farm in search for some succulent swine. The witch is ultimately a big fat failure and apparently I have a knack for sounding like a crackling hag.
I didn't know if I was flattered or offended when she giggled like a lunatic when I put on my witch voice.
Tonight, after teeth were brushed and pj's were dawned, Nessie didn't last three pages before she was out. No one was shocked, it was way past her bedtime.
I gently pealed my daughters sleeping form off my chest, kissed her forehead, and tucked the blankets in around her.
I fucking loved being a Dad and having her with me meant everything.
I silently padded across the room, quietly closing the door behind me. Being a successful musician certainly had its benefits, including the monetary ability to stay in a lovely, multi bedroom suite. This place was no exception and was complete with two bedrooms, living room, kitchen, and huge ass motherfucking balcony.
Bella was not in the first three locals and I slowly followed the sound of faint music to the balcony. What I found there had the warm and fuzzies exploding in my chest. This joy was becoming a familiar sensation, what with Bella and Ness always near.
I cracked the door and stepped onto the balcony as silently as I exited my daughters bedroom, not wanting to interrupt.
There are no monks in my band
(There are no monks in my band)
There are no saints in this land
(There are no saints in this land)
I'll be doing all I can
If I die an honest man
(If I die an honest man)
Bella, a banjo in her lap, was singing call and response style with Sam who was laying down a mellow funk beat on an acustic bass. The combination was both folky and bluesy and funky and instantly piqued my interest and had my musical mind a flutter with inspiration.
Confusion is my middle name
(Confusion is my middle name)
Ask me again I'll tell you the same
(Ask me again I'll tell you the same)
Persuaded by one sexy dame
No I do not feel no shame
Seth provided the harmony on a guitar while Emmett supported the whole collaboration on a set of bongos.
You are on the road
Can I get a little lovin' from you
Can I get a little bit of that done did do
You are on the road
Tell me now girl that you need me too
Tell me now girl 'cause I've got a feeling for you
Every man has certain needs
(Every man has certain needs)
Talkin' 'bout them dirty deeds
(Talkin' 'bout them dirty deeds)
To these needs I must concede
Livin' by my lowly creed
(Livin' by my lowly creed)
Bella somehow managed to continue her improvised banjo part while she closed her eyes and rolled her hips, doing a mother fuck me sexy dance in she seat that coincided perfectly with the obviously sexy tune of the song.
The song ended and Bella put down her instrument while the rest of the band continued to jam. She had always gotten along so well with everyone important in my life, the band, my parents. I was thrilled that our years apart hadn't changed this either. They were genuinely her friends once too (as much as Sam pissed her off back in the day) and I was glad they were reunited.
Bella stretched and yawn, noticing me where I was observing. I joined them, pleased that Bella solved the lack of seat issue by rising, forcing me in the chair, and crawling into my lap.
"You can play the banjo," I whispered in her ear as she blushed. "That is new."
She tucked her nose into my neck and sighed in contentment as the music drifted around us.
"What song were you singing?" I asked, recognizing the earlier lyrics but I wasn't sure from where.
"Funky Monks," she replied. "The Chili Peppers. Old, old Chili Peppers."
"Of course, I should have known."
We sat in silence, simply enjoying the music that was being created on the spot. Sometimes I felt totally removed from the writing process, like I was simply the vessel that these specific notes chose to get their vibrations out into the universe. Sometimes what I wrote was a deliberate message, a feeling that I could only properly express through music.
It was nice to just listen sometimes, to take it less seriously, to just enjoy.
I wondered what being so completely and totally happy would do to my music. I had never, even with Bella long ago, been as happy and fulfilled as I was in that moment.
Eventually, Bella dozed in my lap and it was time for us to turn in as well. I lifted Bella's small body easily as I nodded goodnight to the boys who were deep in the zone. I wouldn't be surprised if the sun came up before they went to bed.
Not that it mattered, we only had three interviews and a press conference tomorrow before we were back in the bus, headed to the next city.
I carefully lay Bella down on our bed, untwining her arms from around my neck as I moved to remove some clothing.
"Where did you go?" she mumbled sleepily as her arms blindly searched for me.
"I am right here sunshine," I said softly, removing one of her grey sneakers and then the other.
"Good." My hands traveled up her jean clad legs until I reached the button. I smiled down at her for a moment. I liked the way she dress when she wasn't in super powered executive mode. Bella dressed in jeans, sneakers, and a tank top was someone I knew and recognized. We matched when she dressed like this. We looked ridiculous when she was all business casualed out.
Not that she wasn't hot as fuck all the goddamn time
I popped the button on her jeans and gently pulled them down her legs, marveling as inch after deliciously creamy inch was exposed to me. I discarded them on the floor by my feet and groaned in frustration. I had succeeded in tuning myself on beyond belief.
Her panties were red today.
But she was very asleep so I simply crawled in next to her, pleased when her head naturally found its way to my shoulder and her hand rested on my chest.
BPOV
"Yes… Yes, I completely understand… No, it won't be a problem. I can be in New York by Wednesday. That should be plenty of time to square away all the details of the new hire."
I was pacing around the back of the bus that served as a bedroom, swatting away Edward's hands every time I accidently passed the bed where he sat.
It was really surprising how much I loved life on tour. I loved spending so much time with my family, I loved seeing Edward on stage every night, I loved (and hated) that Edward made me join him on stage regularly, I loved that Nessie was so happy, and I even loved the travel. Never before had Nessie and I seen this much of the country and we enjoyed exploring each new city. My favorite so far had been Chicago. Edward had managed to get a day off and the three of us wandered his childhood home together.
Though the close quarters were something I never had to deal with, I didn't mind being so close to Edward.
The one downside was that I had started working again, something I was really not enjoying. Edward wasn't making it any easier with his perpetual attempts to distract me.
Like now.
His fingers found a belt loop of my jeans, abruptly stopping my pacing. I let him pull me into his lap as I continued to plan my life.
I had to leave next week. For five whole days. And though five days should seem like nothing after the years we spent apart and the months we originally thought we wouldn't be together, but now it seemed like forever.
Edward's hands traced around my hips, down my thighs, rubbing me through my jeans. I shuttered slightly and tried to keep voice normal as I attempted to conduct some business. He was closing in on all my secret places, arousing and annoying me at the same time. I elbowed him in the chest and rushed off my call before turning in my lap to glare at him.
"You are leaving," he said as he played with my hair and frowned.
"Yeah, but I really do not want too." I rested my forehead on his and pouted right back. "But if everything goes as it should with the merger and we hire this guy, then my work load will be a whole lot lighter. Less time on the phone." I kissed him softly. "More time for other, more fun activities," I whispered seductively his ear causing him to chuckle and his hands to tighten on my waist.
Edward's mouth zeroed in on mine, but then the door burst open and Nessie basically tackled us, squealing all the while.
"Are we there yet?" Nessie asked, leaping up and jumping around us on the bed.
Edward flopped backwards on the bed, groaning and rubbing his hands vigorously over his eyes. "Nessie, we are not anywhere. You have a bus full of toys and activities to keep you occupied. I don't get why you are in such a rush to get to Dallas."
"It is going to be fun! I googled it. There is a zoo and lots of museums and yummy Mexican food. Mommy can we go to the zoo?" she asked as she continued to jump back and forth over Edward.
It was my turn to flop back and groan.
"I can't darling. I have to fly to New York as when we get to Dallas. I am sorry honey."
"Whyyyyyyyyyyy?" She continued to jump, but her face was now in a frown as she whined.
"Business Nessie."
"That is so lame, I don't want you to leave," she said as she plopped down on her fathers gut causing him to expel a loud 'oof'.
"I don't want to leave either, but I should only be gone for a few days and then I will meet you… Where will I meet you Edward?" I did not have the schedule memorized and had no idea where we were supposed to be in a weeks time.
"Denver."
"And I will meet you in…" My voice trailed off as I remembered the last time we were in Colorado on a tour. They were not pleasant memories and suddenly I dreaded next week almost as much as I dreaded leaving my family. "Denver?" It was a nervous squeak of a question, causing Edward to sit up on the bed and look at me with concern.
"Yes, Denver."
"Right. Denver."
"Denver," he said again, awkwardly drawing out the word and continuing to stare at me.
"Denver," I said, my attempted smile falling flat.
"You guys are so weird," declared Nessie, leaping up and bouncing around the bed again. "Are we going to see Nana and Phil? Can we take that train to the top of that mountain again? That was fun! Colorado is fun. There is stuff to do there unlike this boring, boring, boring," She was punctuating each word with a jump for emphasis. "Boring bus."
"What happened to video games with Emmett?" Edward asked, rolling onto his belly and trying to grab Nessie's feet as she jumped and giggled.
"He got tired of losing," Ness replied between squeals. "So are we doing all that fun stuff in Colorado?"
"Honestly, I hadn't thought about it Ness. I don't think that we will make it to Nana's house but maybe they can meet us in Denver." Though my relationship with my mother had greatly improved in the last decade (she grew up slightly and I stopped trying to win her approval) I still wasn't looking forward to calling her. But I would do it. Mostly because Ness loved her Nana and not calling Renee would be an even larger headache then dealing with her for an afternoon. The woman would flip if she found out that we were so close and didn't call.
"Maybe we can go to a Rockies game!" Ness shouted a moment before Edward finally managed to catch one of her feet, sending her face down into the pillows at the end of the bed. There was squealing and tickling and giggling before some sort of alliance was silently created.
One moment I was brooding about my mom and going to New York, completely minding my own business, and the next I was tackled by a pair of lunatics. Now the squealing was coming from me and the laughing was coming from them.
If only I wasn't so ticklish, they would enjoy this so much.
"That's not fair!" I yelled after I finally managed to get away from the tickle twins. "You ganged up on me."
"That's because it is funny!" Nessie explained, quite helpfully. "Come on Mom, let's play a board game. Dad is awful at those and I am sure we can beat him!"
I let Ness drag me away, smiling sadly at Edward, finally understanding what he felt like every time he was forced to leave.
"So he signed the contract today and will be starting next week."
"You like this guy then? I know you had some doubts about his experience and passion."
"I still have some doubts, but he is by far the closest to what we are looking for out of every one we looked at. I am reserving judgment until he starts working. Honestly, I am just glad we finally hired someone and I will be able to go back to doing just my job." I was laying on my back in my hotel room in New York, gripping the phone to my ear like a life line, letting the familiar melodic sounds of his voice wash over me.
"Bout fucking time I say. I just want you to come back," Edward replied.
I could not agree more. It had been a long couple of days and I hadn't even bothered to change out of my work attire before flopping down, dialing Edward, and closing my eyes.
"So you will pick me up tomorrow right?" Though I knew everything was different now, I couldn't help but remember the last time I met him in Colorado and the less the warm reception I received. He didn't even know we had been arriving that day and though I logically knew that this wouldn't be the case this go around, I was still nervous.
"Of course Bella," he said softly in my ear. I kept my eyes closed and pretended that he was laying next to me in the dark. "You know, this is a good thing."
"What do you mean?"
"It is very rare in life that one gets a second chance to correct some mistakes from the past."
"I don't know what you are talking about." I knew exactly what he was talking about, but this conversation was making me uncomfortable. Remembering how sick Edward was back then always hurt my heart.
"Yes you do. I was a mess last time you visited me in Colorado. The whole trip was a disaster. And now I get a do over."
"A do over?"
"Yeah, so the point is, I most definitely will be picking you up at the airport."
Most unwillingly I removed my headphones, stored them in my seat back pocket, and went back to staring out the microscopic window. I had every Vampire Sunrise song ever recorded on shuffle pretty much sense I left for New York. It made me feel connected to my family and the fact that I had to stop listening for the beginning of the flight annoyed me quite thoroughly.
"It is a stupid rule isn't it?" The man in the middle seat was talking to me. Even in my haze of Colorado nerves, missing family blues, and self-involvement, I noticed him. He was tall, my age with dark hair with a scruffy excuse of a curly beard. And he was talking to me. It was strange, I was radiating this vibe that completely discouraged human contact yet this individual was broaching me anyway.
"I am sorry, what?" I didn't have the slightest idea what he was talking about.
"Putting away electronics during take off and landing. It is the longest ten minutes of my life."
"Yeah I don't last long without my music either."
"It is necessary to survival." I nodded and went back to staring out the window. I recognized the look he gave me during our brief conversation. It was one of pure male appreciation. I didn't have the patience to deal with him. I noticed he glanced from my chest to my left hand.
Why was I so insistent on waiting to marry Edward?
"Here we go," he said as the plane picked up speed. I closed my eyes and felt the drop in my belly that indicated that we were airborne. I was officially on my way back to my family, and as excited as I was, I couldn't seem to shake those feelings of trepidation.
"Take off is my favorite part, minus the music thing," scruff man said.
"Mine too," I agreed.
"I am Ryan, by the way," he said shaking my hand.
"Bella."
"So where are you from?" There he went again with the chitchat. But I decided I didn't mind. I needed a break, a distraction from my own head. I knew my fears were ridiculous. Edward and I still had some talking to do about the past that was long overdue. Hopefully after we talked about his alcoholism and my abandonment of him, I would feel better.
"California," I replied. "L.A."
"So how did you end up all the way across the country?"
"Work," I answered, wondering when he was going to get tried of my short responses and give up.
"So do you live in Colorado then?" he asked, furrowing his brow and looking confused.
There was no way in hell I was going to tell him that I was meeting my rockstar lover and our daughter to join him on a international tour.
"No, I am just visiting before I go home to Cali. My mom lives there, I grew up there."
"That is weird, most people who live in Colorado don't leave for very long."
"The ocean calls to me."
"OK, got yah."
"What about you? Where are you from?" I asked deciding to keep the conversation going. Plus I was somewhat jealous of his laid back demeanor, maybe some of it would rub off on me.
"The good old 719 baby, all the way."
"You are from the Springs?" I asked, really engaged for the first time.
"Hell yes! How did you know?"
"That is where my mom lives."
"Excellent. Do you need a ride down there then? I have plenty of room."
"Oh, no," I stuttered awkwardly, flustered by his forwardness. "I am meeting my family in Denver. They are going to pick me up."
"Well the offer still stands," he said with a smile. "If you change your mind. So what do you have on the thing that made you want to break airline rules?" He nodded towards my iPod.
I laughed and told him. We spent the next several hours discussing music. He surprised me with bands that I had never heard of that I actually enjoyed. All in all an excellent distraction, we were landing before I knew it.
"It was good to meet you Bella," he said as we made our way out of the airport.
"Same."
"So your family going to be picking you up?" he asked again as we boarded the train that would take up from the terminal to the exit. I texted Edward to let him know I had almost made it back to them.
"Yes, my uh…" As usual I didn't know the proper adjective to describe my relationship to Edward. But dear old Ryan was being a little too friendly so I told him a white lie. "My husband. And our daughter. They are waiting for me."
He clutched his heart in mock pain. "Ouch, husband. That ruins all my plans to take you to dinner."
"Sorry," I muttered, feeling awkward and cursing myself for encouraging conversation with him in the first place.
"Why aren't you wearing a ring?" Again he glanced down at my left hand which I quickly hid in the pocket of my blazer.
I shrugged my shoulders, not replying.
He left me alone after that which was excellent because I was so ridiculously nervous about this do over business and I needed to focus on acting normal. I emerged from the train and my eyes immediately flew to the little girl in a pink dress standing with a man attempting not to be recognized. Baseball hat, sweatshirt with the hood pulled up, and a pair of his typical Ray Bans.
He was still so obviously a rockstar and a sex god that my heart fluttered.
I picked up the pace and Ness squealed 'mommy' when she spotted me. I bent to return her hug and grinned over her shoulder at Edward, who had stuffed his hands in his pockets as he waited his turn.
"Hello darling. Did you miss me?"
"Very, very, very much. Dad and Uncle Emmett and Sam and Seth don't know what it is like to be a girl."
I laughed at this statement and made a mental note to get details later before I moved away to wrap myself around Edward. He squeezed me back and signed into my hair and kissed my temple and called me sunshine.
"I missed you," he whispered.
"Missed you more," I replied.
"Doubtful. Tell me, who is this scruffy man staring at us intently? Normally this would be well, the norm, but I feel like this man is looking at you not me." His arms tightened around me and I knew his eyes were narrowed in the direction of good old Ryan.
"He sat next to me on the plane," I said with a quick glance over my shoulder. "We talked about music he was nice. He wanted to give me a ride. Also I told him I was married and he didn't believe me because I don't have a ring."
"Well," he said, looking momentarily shocked before beaming at me. "We will just have to rectify that situation right away."
"I— ummm—" I stuttered, flustered once again that I realized what I said and what he said.
"Look at me, this second chance stuff is working out already. Last time I would have kicked his ass for staring at you like that."
I laughed and agreed, grabbing his hand and my daughter's hand, getting on with Colorado tour destination, part two.
EPOV
"Daddy? Can I ask you a question?" I was sitting on the balcony outside our suite across from Bella, going over our schedule for the next few days while my beloved read. I had the day off and we had met up with Bella's mother for lunch and attend a baseball game where Phil was now a batting coach.
Renee was the same old Renee, and it was not how I wanted to spend my rare day off but it was an excellent opportunity to do this thing right. I didn't make things any easier on Bella last time, but now I did my best to smooth things over between the women.
Upon meeting with Renee, she squealed and hugged my girls before glaring at me.
"I see the rumors are true," she said, sneering at me. "You have managed to weasel your way back into my daughters life."
Bella bristled immediately, glaring and snapping to my defense.
"Back off Renee, there is no need for you to get all parental and concerned—"
"Renee," I said, cutting off Bella causing her to transfer her glare to me. "It makes me happy that you are concerned for Bella's well being. I am glad that Bella had people in her life who were there for her when we were apart. But I assure you Renee, I am going to spend the rest of my life making up for past hurts. I love your daughter very much."
Everyone stared at me in silence for a moment before Ness started giggling and Renee beamed.
"That's all I wanted to hear Edward," she said, latching onto my arm and pulling me toward the fancy restaurant that was conveniently located two blocks from Coors Field.
She spent the rest of the day flirting shamelessly with me and gushing about my celebrity. It was exhausting, but necessary. Nessie had a good time and Bella seemed ok.
And now we were enjoying the pleasant evening in, looking out at the city with the mountains in the background.
"Of course short stuff," I said. Nessie crawled into my lap, clutching her iPod.
"What is sensi?"
Some weird, chocking sound came out of my throat and I heard Bella slam her book down on the round glass end table that separated our lounge chairs.
"What— who— where—" I looked at Bella for some help but she remained silent, simply raising an eyebrow. I glanced down to the music listening device, clutched in her hands. "What kind of horrible, trashy, vile, music are you listening too? Singing about stuff like that…"
I trailed off as Bella and Nessie both giggle. It was my song. Of course it was. I was an idiot.
"Daddy what is it? I was listening to you're third album? And you say that sometimes the only was to forget is to start smoking a little sensi. What does that mean?"
Again I looked at Bella, whose face was fluctuating between amused and pissed off. She shook her head, indicating that I was all on my own for this one.
I really wanted to lie, to make something innocent up. I wanted to shelter her from shit like this, but it was inevitable that she would be exposed to things when she was on the road. It just really fucking sucked that she would have to find out as a direct result of my words.
I sighed heavily, turning back to my daughter.
"Sensi is short for sensimilla," I said slowly.
Nessie looked at me, waiting for me to elaborate. Damn her natural curiosity.
"It is a kind of marijuana, pot. A very good kind of pot actually." Bella punched me in the arm at this as Nessie continued to look at me blankly. "And by good I mean high quality. Not good. It is bad, very bad. Never do drugs."
God, I was really fucking this up.
"It is drugs?"
"Yes Nessie. Remember we talked about the funny smelling cigarettes that people smoke at concerts sometimes?"
She nodded, wide-eyed and innocent.
"That is what sensi is," I finished lamely, looking down in shame. This was a particularly tough conversation. I was so disconnected from the man who wrote about shit like that. Nessie had never even met that man. She didn't know him and neither did I, yet I took responsibility for him, paid for his crimes.
I was a hero in my daughters eyes. This conversation was killing me because I knew I was eliminating a little of that innocence, shifting the way she saw me. Fathers weren't supposed to have made so many mistakes. And because of my music and my place in the media, Nessie was sure to hear about all of them at one point or another.
"You smoked drugs?" Her voice faltered and her face crumbled.
Smoked, snorted, swallowed, shot up.
I really wanted to deny, deny, deny. I really wanted to know what Bella was thinking. I wished we would have had some parental strategy secession to deal with questions like this. But I was always very honest and open with Ness. It was tough sometimes, because she was so damn perceptive and curious, but it usually worked out for the best. And honestly, I was like a fucking anti drug campaign. I hit rock bottom, I suffered the consequences, I was constantly attempting to redeem myself.
I just wished we were having the conversation when she was a little older. Like 14. Or 34. Or 94.
"Yes Vanessa," I admitted, gathering strength from the hand Bella placed on my back. "I did a lot of things I am not proud of when I was young. I made a lot of mistakes and I have a lot of regrets. Do you remember when you were little? And you didn't stay with me? I just visited you or took you out?"
"Not really. Maybe a little," she said, furrowing her brow and squinting as she attempt to think back to those first few years after I cleaned up.
"Well that was my punishment for all those mistakes, not being around all the time. Living without your mom was my punishment. Drugs are bad."
After a few more, less intrusive questions, Nessie's curiosity was appeased and Bella stepped in.
"Time for bed now little girl," said my beloved rising from her chair as Ness let out a big yawn. "Kiss your pops goodnight."
"Goodnight Daddy," she said, sliding off my lap and kissing my cheek. "I love you."
I hugged her and watched her disappear behind the sliding glass doors with her mother.
They left and I stared out at the city, getting lost in my head. Bella found me brooding, minutes later, glazing blankly without seeing anything at all. I didn't notice that she was sitting on the end of my lounge until she laid a hand on my thigh.
"That was rough," she said softly.
I gripped her hand in my lap and nodded. She sat directly in front of me with her legs crossed and stroked a thumb over my knuckles. She let me have my moment of reflection and just sat with me silently.
"Do you think I said the right thing?" I asked finally, not able to meet her eyes. She was too good for me. So was Ness. I was tainting them with my very presence and I didn't know what to do about it. I worked so hard to be better for them. But recovery was a constant struggle and I lived in constant fear of failing, of falling off the wagon.
"Yes Edward," she said, using her free hand to tilt my face towards hers. I saw only undeserved love and understanding in her eyes. "There is no point in lying to her, especially given our situation in the public eye. She has already been exposed to more then most 10 year olds and the best we can do is be honest with her, help her understand. It is much better hearing these things from you then a less then truthful version from someone else."
"Do you think she hates me now?" I whispered, fisting my hand in my hair. Her words only made me feel slightly better.
Bella threw her head back and fucking laughed. Laughed.
She never did what I expected.
"That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," she scoffed. "Your daughter is crazy about her daddy. And the fact that you are honest with her makes her respect you. She is super smart, our little girl. She would know if you lied to her, treated her like a baby."
"I guess…"
"Everyone makes mistakes Edward," she said, removing my hand from my hair and bringing to join the other in her lap. I held on tightly. "Recognizing those mistakes and learning from them is what makes you a good person. It is what Nessie is going to learn from you. It makes me very proud to be yours."
I exhaled a shaky breath and nodded.
"I just hate admitting that to her," I confessed. "I don't want her to see me like that." A little pot use probably wouldn't have been such a big deal to most people and if it wasn't associated of some rather more serious addiction issues, I might have gone the deny, deny, deny route. I might have made up something else, avoiding talking about it until she was older. But Bella was right, better for her to be able to talk to me about it then to rely on what she hears in the press. "I want to be super man to her."
"And you are Edward. When she gets older, she is going to be so proud of who you are."
We sat in silence for a while longer and I let Bella's touch sooth me, calm me down.
"At least she started small," Bella murmured.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, pot alone may be a big deal to a ten year old but in the scheme of things, it could have been worse," she said, looking uncomfortable. "She could have asked about things I haven't even asked about."
I sighed and closed my eyes as my hand found immediately found their way back into my hair.
"It got so much worse after I left," she whispered. "Didn't it?"
"Yes," I said, fore finger and thumb latching on to the bridge of my nose. "I was completely fucking out of control, perpetually drunk. On every mind-altering substance you can think of. By the time I hit rock bottom, I was shooting up pretty regularly too."
"Coke?" she asked.
"Yes," I consented.
"Heroin?"
"Occasionally," I begrudgingly admitted. "But Sam was more into coke and I was not fucking picky. Booze was always my substance of choice. I still crave it more then anything."
"What was rock bottom?" she asked, forcing me to keep going.
"I forgot Nessie's third birthday," I murmured, pinching my nose again. I hated telling her all this. I felt guilty and unworthy.
"But you got her a present," Bella replied.
"That was mostly Esme's doing. I mean, I picked out the gifts and shit, but only because Esme reminded me months in advance. She made sure they got there on time."
Bella nodded after grimacing slightly. "Keep going," she said.
"I looked at a calendar a week after her birthday and realized that I completely forgot about it. I thought about you and Ness daily, but I didn't remember her birthday. That of fucking course induced another goddamn bender, but after a couple more weeks I finally acknowledged that I was killing myself."
Silent tears were sliding down Bella's cheeks now, making my heartache. I brushed them away with the pad of my thumb and pressed on.
"Alice and my parents and Emmett had all been sharing their worries rather frequently, but I wasn't listening. If anything their interference only drove me to consume more. It was like I was trying to prove that I didn't need anyone to care, I didn't need anyone's love. But after Ness's birthday, I started to think to myself that they were right. I wouldn't admit that to them of course. I was barely speaking to them. I was barely speaking to anyone. I would disappear for weeks at a time, lock myself away in my apartment and just drink and use until I didn't feel anything anymore."
Bella hiccupped and scooted closer to me so that our knees were touching. Her hands searched blindly for mine and her wide, pain filled eyes never left my face.
"And then I thought I could stop by myself. I tried to wean myself off everything. I would cut out the hard stuff before I tried to stop drinking. I tried to control the withdrawals with limited amounts of booze. And I did it, for a little while anyway. I think the longest I lasted on my own was 2 or 3 weeks. But we were on tour and Sam did not respect my decision to clean up at all and I inevitably failed. We got back from that tour and I went on another insane bender and basically ODed and Carlisle held an impromptu intervention and there was a whole lot of tears and I eventually went to treatment," I explained, taking a deep breath.
"No one told me how bad it was," she said quietly, studying our joined hands. "I don't know what I would have done if I did. I just feel like I could have helped you somehow."
"I had to want the help Bella. It took me a long time to stop lying to myself and admit I had a problem."
"Keep going," she encouraged again.
"So I went to a 90 day treatment facility and cleaned up and started going to meetings and talking with a shrink. There was some deep seeded shit going on inside of me that I didn't even recognize and talking about it made me feel so much better."
"You had so little self worth," she muttered, surprising me thoroughly. I thought I had done a good job pretending to be strong and together when I was around Bella. I guess not. "I didn't fully realize it until much later, but it was like you had been expecting me to not love you. You expected me to leave. You didn't think you were worth loving." Bella's voice hitched over her last few words and the tears started flowing at a greater rate. I pulled her into my lap and we hung on to each other for dear life, taking a moment to collect ourselves.
"Felling worthy of good things is still something I struggle with Bella, but I am much better now."
"Because your mom left. And then I left. I must have made everything worse," she said, sounding completely self-loathing.
"I didn't give you much of a choice Bella," I replied. "You shouldn't have lied to me, but you did what you needed to do to protect our daughter when I didn't. I am so thankful for that. No one would ever accuse you of enabling me."
"I suppose not. But I feel so guilty that I wasn't there for you," she pulled away from me and whipped her eyes, resuming her former position with her knees touching mine.
"I honestly don't know if it would have changed anything. And it wasn't just that. I was never very good at dealing with an excess of emotion. I was always pretty reliant on substance as a way of dealing with life."
Bella nodded, probably remembering back to the drink upon drink I consumed back then.
"So you have been clean and sober for seven years?" she asked.
"Yes, since I got out of rehab. It was so hard in the beginning, rejoining the band and getting back to my career. Not drinking or using in an environment where everyone is a fucking borderline alcoholic was a goddamn nightmare, but things eventually got easier, I got more confident in my sobriety."
Bella kept nodding, smiling for the first time in a long time.
"But I can't sugarcoat it Bella. If you are going to tie your life to mine forever, you need to understand that I am always going to be an alcoholic, that urge to have just one drink will always be there."
"But it is never going to be just one drink," Bella said, hands tightening around mine.
"Exactly. Bella, there is always that risk that I am going to slip up, that I am going to fail you. There is no cure for this, no matter how long I am sober there will always be the chance I will fall off the wagon."
"I understand," she said, her voice sounding sure but I remained unconvinced.
"But I can promise that I will do everything in my power, that I will work my very hardest to keep that from happening."
"I know," she said. "And I promise that I will always be there for you, no matter what the future may hold."
"I went to a meeting yesterday," I blurted suddenly, opting for full disclosure.
"Is that something you do often?" she asked after taking a moment to absorb my words in silence.
"I go fairly regularly when I am home, at least once a month. It is harder when I am on the road," I explained. "But I know people who know people, so it is always an option if I am feeling particularly weak or vulnerable."
"Like yesterday?"
"Yes, like yesterday."
"What made you feel weak and vulnerable yesterday?"
I paused, collecting my thoughts. "Honestly, I am not completely comfortable when you are not around. You were gone and the last time we were together in Denver, I was such a fuck up. Plus some reporter got way to close to Ness at a gas station and that had me on edge. I got stressed and in the back of my head I knew just one drink would calm me down. Talking about it helps."
She frowned.
"Bella, this doesn't mean that you need to stay near me out of some since of obligation."
"I stay near you, Edward Cullen," she said, her voice low and serious, "because I am not completely comfortable without you either. And I don't think that will ever change totally, but we will get used to it again. We will get used to being together."
"That may be true, but I am never going to stop being grateful. I am never going to take this family for granted."
"Me neither," she promised, abandoning my hands in her lap to cradle my face between her palms. She kissed me quickly and I thought it was over, but then she pulled away, eyes full of unanswered questions.
"So you haven't had a relapse? Since you finished treatment?"
"No," I said, shaking my head. "I have come damn close, but no. Do you remember, right after you started letting me have supervised visitation, the letter I gave you?"
She blushed and nodded.
"That was so hard for me, apologizing to you. I wanted to have the courage to do it in person, but I knew that you must hate me. And part of me was still angry that you left. But when I saw you, it was like you couldn't even stand to be in the same room as me. Most of the time, you would have Alice supervising."
"I remember. I still loved you so much. I didn't know how to act around you. That letter made me so happy and so sad and so lonely all at the same time."
"Part of the recovery process is making amends to those we hurt. I felt I had my biggest amends to make to you and Ness. I resolved to be the best father possible to make it up to Ness, but with you? Well I figured the best I could do for you was to leave you alone, to stay out of your life."
"Do you hear how ridiculous that is? It is back to your self worth issues."
"I know that now, but I didn't see it like that at the time. You seemed so settled, maybe not young and carefree and happy like you once were, but definitely content. I didn't want to disrupt that."
"I guess it just wasn't our time. We both have grown so much, even since then," she mused. "Thank you for apologizing. That letter meant so much to me."
"And I meant every word."
It took me a long time to fall asleep, even after the rather intense round of love making that followed our conversation. Spooned together, holding her like that, it was difficult to even recall a time when I was without her. I had lay down some heavy shit, but she seemed unfazed. I felt lighter, having her know everything and understanding better how she felt about my recovery.
I loved her, needed her, wanted to be with her always. There was no more fear that some new detail would come to light that would send her for the hills. She was in this forever because she needed me like I needed her. I understood this now.
I had wanted to propose to her at the end of our conversation. Well, I wanted to propose to her again pretty much since the moment I walked into her house to find her sitting on the counter in from of Jacob motherfucking Black, but tonight my fingers literally twitched towards the ring in my pocket.
It was nothing she hadn't worn before, but getting her a new version just didn't feel right. And though she claimed that she wasn't ready her willingness to share with complete strangers our false marital status had to be indicative of her true feelings, right?
But then I didn't want our engagement to be tainted with something so heavy from the get go, so I refrained. Soon, I promised myself.
It was with these final thoughts I was finally able to join my beloved in sleep.
BPOV
I dreamt of Edward. Edward, laughing in the ocean. Edward, young and nervous as he proposed the first time. Edward, passed out on the couch. Edward, coming as I did over and over again. Edward, alone and sick and trying so hard to deal with the weight of the world.
Our conversation had given me a lot to ponder.
I was thrilled he was confiding in me, relieved that I could handle it, ill with guilt at the thought that I wasn't there for him, and scared when he spoke of the possibility of relapse.
But we were so much stronger now. Living apart had toughened us both, and I knew that if we could handle that, we could handle anything. History had showed me that we were much better together then we were apart.
When I slowly awoke, I was immediately conscious of my proximity to Edward. Our legs were tangled together and he had one arm draped over my hip.
"Good morning," I said, smiling before I even managed to open my eyes. I could tell he was awake by the way he drew lazy circles on my skin.
"Good morning sunshine," he replied, fingertips reaching out to stroke my cheek.
"I love you," I said, tilting my face towards his touch. Still, I kept my eyes firmly closed. These were cherished moments. Soon, I would have to wake up for real and get back to the real world and deal with all the responsibility that came with growing up. But for now, Edward and I were firmly in the love bubble.
"Bella," he said in a low, serious voice. "I love you too. You are my whole world, you and Ness."
I hummed happily in agreement, and cuddled closer to him.
"Bella," he said after a moment of silence. "Are you ever going to open your eyes?"
"Eventually."
"Bella." I tried not to grin, because I was very obviously annoying Edward. He was so damn cute when he was annoyed. "I am trying to confess my undying love here, baby. The least you could do it look at me."
I sighed dramatically before slowly obliging him. I squeaked a little in surprise when I saw how close we were. Facing each other, our noses were several inches apart and our eyes were perfectly aligned.
"Hi," I said, giggling.
"Finally. I have been mentally willing you to open your eyes for at least three goddamn hours." Edward was talking at super speed, indicating his irritation and nerves.
"Sorry to keep you waiting rockstar," I said, kissing him quickly before I attempted to get out of bed. Edward prevented my departure though, grabbing my wrist before my feet even reached the floor.
"Where are you going?" he asked, wide eyed and panicked.
"The bathroom?"
"No." He tugged on my arm and I slowly resumed my former position. "No, no. Just come back. Right here. Yes, you look so beautiful with your hair all wavy and amber from the sun, fanned out around your shoulders. That's it, just like we were." He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
"You are weird," I said, looking at him skeptically and earning a quick crooked smile. But soon his face went back to looking flustered and unsure.
Suddenly a familiar black velvet box appeared in the small space between our faces.
I think I squeaked a bit involuntarily when I realized what had him so nervous.
He pushed the box forward with one finger until I was cross-eyed from attempting to look at it and I felt the soft fabric against my nose.
"Now do not flip out. The way I see it, this was bound to happen eventually. I can't see myself with anyone but you," he said softly as my eyes started to water. They were the same words he once said to me, a long time ago. "I really do love you, Isabella Marie Swan. I want you now and forever. You move me, inspire me, and make me want to be a better person."
I smiled when I heard that he was just as sweet and honest and nervous as he was the first go around.
"I think you know what I am getting at with all this," he said, chuckling at himself.
I nodded and waited with baited breath for him to say the words. His hands were digging into my hips and he was so close. It took every last iota of self-control to keep from assaulting him and yelling yes at the top of my lungs.
Everything was so perfect. He knew me so well, knew that I didn't need or want anything fancy or over the top. I preferred simple and this in bed proposal in the state where we first fell apart appealed to my nostalgic side. .
It was perfection.
We were both seemingly rendered speechless from all this emotion and I momentarily got lost in his now misty green eyes. I was entranced, in awe, so unbelievably in love with every part of this man.
I was unsure when I became so enthusiastic about marriage. As of two days ago, when he basically announced his intentions to purpose soon and I complained about my ring less finger, the idea of saying 'I do' still freaked me the fuck out. But that was before we laid our souls bare for each other the night before.
I think I had always perceived marriage in the abstract. But when confronted with the reality, things were much brighter. This wasn't some nameless, faceless man. This was Edward. This was my Edward. And I wanted nothing more then to make our union official, finally.
In fact, now that I was ready, I wanted it to happen right away.
"My ring best be in this box," I commented. "You know I don't like change."
Edward threw his head back and full out laughed. It was such a rare and precious noise, I got goosebumps.
"Marry me," he said when he got his laughter under control. He sat up and I crawled into his lap, beaming like a fool as I wrapped my arms around his neck. Edward flicked open the box to reveal his grandmother's ring. My ring. The ring that spent the better part of two years on my left hand. The ring that I had most begrudgingly given back to his mother amidst a ocean of both our tears the first time I saw her post break up.
I was bouncing in Edward's lap, feeling like I was channeling my sister, and I held my hand in front of him, waggingly my fingers to indicate that I wanted that sucker back on my hand. Pronto.
"Stop wiggling, damn it," he laughed with relief as he attempted to do what I wanted. I stilled and he slipped the ring on my finger and we both just looked at it in all its glory for a moment. His thumb traced it, a gesture I became familiar with last time and I knew he was remembering too. But there was no more sadness, just a bittersweet memory of the past and the promise of a future together, no matter what.
I kissed him, long and hard. By the time we pulled away, we were both a little damp around the eyes and laughing nervously. I kissed him again and a third time for good measure before we both became all too aware of the fact that I was still only clothed in a t-shirt.
"I take it that is a yes then," he said just as things were starting to get serious.
"On one condition," I said as I straddled his lap. He stilled his magic hands and looked alarmed and a bit green but I pressed on. "I want to get married soon."
His shoulder relaxed beneath my hands and he grinned. "I don't want to wait either. This is a long fucking time coming."
"We have basically been engaged for the last decade," I murmured against his lips as his eyes drifted closed again. But I couldn't get distracted. He still obviously did not understand what I meant. "No more waiting."
"No more."
"Edward," I said, using his hair to pull him away from my neck causing him to shoot daggars at me. "I don't think you understand what I mean by soon."
"Soon. Soon, I get it. Right after we get home form the tour, however long it takes for Alice to throw something together." He once again moved towards my bare skin and I once again restrained him.
"No Edward," I said, grinning because I was about to drop a big bomb on his ass. "Soon means much sooner then that. I want to get married today."
He froze and gaped at me in shock. He always did say that I constantly surprised him, I suppose this was no different.