*Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.

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Chapter 25: Discover

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On Alice's first day at Forks High, Edward picks her and Jasper up before coming to get me. He makes them sit in the backseat and wait in the car while he comes inside my house. We peek out the window and watch them as Jasper talks and Alice doesn't look at him.

"Is this mean?" I ask Edward who is standing behind me, his chest pressing against my back as he looks over my shoulder.

"No, they like it. Alice just has to pretend that she doesn't."

Turning toward him, I say, "You think you have girls all figured out, don't you?" I reach up and pull his baseball hat off his head. It's the one I gave to him for Christmas. I like seeing it on him, but it's hard to see his eyes when he wears it.

"I do." He takes my hand and plays with the diamond pendant that now hangs from a chain around my wrist—his Christmas gift to me.

He's smug, but I kiss him anyway, forcing my constant smile to pucker against his mouth. His top teeth skim my lower lip before his tongue presses, wanting in. Leaning back, I shake my head. With the holidays and winter break homework, we've seen each other, but we haven't had much time alone.

"We have to go," I say, pulling away. "Alice wants to be early for her first day."

Edward nods but pulls me in closer. Ever since we talked about going further, a light switch has turned on, and it's as if he thinks further could happen anywhere, anytime. His breath hits my ear and tingles down my back. I shrug away with a whimper that sounds more like a whine. We really have to go.

He grins, loving the way he can make me react.

"You're full of yourself, you know that?" I put his hat back on him, but backwards this time.

He looks at me with mischievous humor in his eyes. I know he's twisting my words in the perverse corner of his mind. I don't ask him what he's thinking. By now, I have pretty good idea.

When I get into the car, Alice's fascination with the window is gone. "Hey, can I share your locker? I don't need my own." She leans forward, placing her hands on the back of my seat. "I won't read your love notes. I swear."

"I don't get love notes," I say, eyeing Edward as he backs out of the driveway. I turn to look at Alice. The ends of her hair are flipped up and there's glitter on her eyes. I'd think she was just trying to look nice for the first day of school, but I know this is everyday Alice. "If you get love notes, can I read them?"

Alice nods with her eyebrows raised high and her mouth open wide. "Of course! If my name's on it, it's as good as yours."

"Okay. We are definitely sharing a locker." I catch sight of Edward rolling his eyes.

Alice claps. "Can I read your love notes too?"

"Sure." I shrug. "Just don't hold your breath on me getting any."

"Hey." Edward glances at me. "I don't get notes either."

That's true. I don't know what I would write to him. I've written to him dozens of times in drafts I saved in emails. Those kinds of thoughts would be too candid, like sharing a journal.

Jasper snatches Edward's hat. "You look like a poser."

Gasping, I grab the hat back. "This is why no one likes you." I stick my tongue out at Jasper and put the hat back on Edward the right way. I don't know boy rules on hat wearing.

"People love me," Jasper says as he leans over the center console and reaches forward to change stations on the radio.

"Stop," Edward says, irritated when I thought we were all playing around. "Put your seatbelt on."

"No." Jasper sits back in his seat, but doesn't touch the seatbelt.

Edward's shoulders rise as he takes in a long, shaky breath and fall as he exhales. He pulls over. They both wait; Jasper with his arms crossed and Edward with a tense grip on the steering wheel. The right turn signal clicks repeatedly, the arrow flashing off and on. They're both being stubborn. There is a good chance we could be here all day. I look at Alice's worried eyes. She'll be so upset if she's late.

Alice places the tips of her fingers on Jasper arm. I see her lips move around the word "please."

Jasper softens and puts his seatbelt on. "Drive."

Alice is quick to break the tension as Edward gets back on the road. She wants to know if I remembered our notebook and if I wrote in it yet. I haven't. I promise her I will and so it begins. I know with Alice, there will never be another dull moment at school.

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As we walk around the block on Wednesday afternoon, Edward holds my hand with one of his and Roofus' leash with the other.

Edward picked Alice up again on Tuesday. The plan was supposed to be that she'd start riding with Jasper, but no one ever said anything. When I asked her about it, she made me tell Jasper the new arrangements. She's not the least bit shy, but she must be the most bashful person Jasper knows—that is, when she's not yelling at him. She's opening up though. Her willingness to be around him is increasing even though her list hasn't changed since we went James' party.

I understand Alice's list comes from issues with her mom. To Alice, not being like her mom means not having any regrets, but it's not something I can relate to. I'm not my mom. I never will be. This town isn't a life sentence. Nothing is trapping us here. We can go to the beach when we please, hike through the woods, or drive a couple hours if we want to spend the day in the city.

Edward and I walk in silence around the block. His parents won't be home until later this evening. It's the first time were really alone together since we talked about going further. I'm both nervous and excited. I realize that talking about it has made me feel pressured to follow through. A natural progression would have been nice, but it wasn't happening. I look over at Edward and squeeze his hand. He squeezes back, pulling our conjoined hands up to his mouth and kissing the back of mine.

I smile at him, marveling at how perfect this feeling is. It feels as if under no circumstance would we ever break up or even have anything close to a cause to.

After we bring Roofus home, Edward doesn't drive us to his house. He pulls into the vacant city park.

"What are we doing here?" I ask, glancing around as Edward unlatches his seatbelt and then mine.

"They fixed the swings," he says as he gets out of the car. I stay in my seat, confused. Edward opens my door. "Come on."

He helps me out of the car, pulls me to the swings, and nudges me to sit on one. Holding the chains on either side of my head, he pushes me a few feet forward and lets me fall back. He holds the swing and kisses me. It's sweet, but it makes me laugh.

The wind blows me as he gets the swing moving again. It feels like it passes right through me. I don't know why he wanted me to do this, but I can't complain. I feel like I'm flying.

He gets fancy with his pushes, making the chains jerk, so I stop the swing by pressing my feet into the dirt. "Do you want to swing too, or can we go to your house now?"

"We can go if you want to." He stands in front of me and pulls me on his back.

"I don't understand you at all," I tell him as he runs to the car, bouncing me every time his feet hit the ground.

"No, not at all?" He sets me down and opens the car door. He lifts my hand and lets it fall. "See, it worked. You're not all tense anymore."

I didn't realize I was projecting my tension. As he takes his own seat, I feel the tautness come back to my chest and stretch into my throat. The pressure I'm putting on myself is ruining everything. I look at him, trying to cover up my feelings, but the concern etched in his forehead tells me he knows.

Edward starts the car. "Let's get ice cream."

"No, please. Let's go to your house." I can swallow my nerves. If I don't, I know I'll regret it.

He nods. "Okay, I think there's ice cream at my house."

Breathing deeply, I can see the sharp rise and fall of my chest. This is ridiculous. I want this—whatever this entails. I've wanted things to progress between us, but now that he knows that, it feels so much different.

When we get to his house, my hand shakes as I pull the handle to open the door. I push my feet forward, determined to not be my own obstacle in having what I want.

Edward interlocks our fingers as we walk to the house. His hand is warm; mine stops shaking.

We're headed toward the kitchen when I stop walking, pulling Edward back. "I don't want ice cream."

"Okay, do you want to watch a movie?"

"Sure."

"Down here or…" He glances at the stairs.

I lead the way to his room, faking confidence with every step. Knowing that this isn't something I want to rush just to get past my nerves, I try to remember how it's been before, when things just happened easily, when I craved more in the moment.

No expectations. It's the only way. I don't think Edward has any. I need to let go of mine.

After taking off my shoes, I hug Edward from behind as he looks through his movies. My chest presses against his back, my face between his shoulder blades. I can feel our energy intertwine and the buzz in the air caused by knowing just how alone we are.

His hands cover mine. "Do you have a preference?"

I reach forward and grab the first movie my hand touches.

He laughs. "That one's pretty gory."

I reach for another.

He laughs again, turning around to face me, my arms still around him. "No movie?"

Shaking my head, I say, "No movie."

"Okay," he whispers as his eyes shift from my mouth to my eyes and back down.

I tilt my head up and meet his mouth in kisses that move from top lips to bottoms and repeat. We move in tiny steps—me backward and him forward. He keeps me grounded with soft pecks and arms that hold me over top of my own.

My legs hit the bed, and my heavy eyelids barely manage to stay open. Edward's gaze lingers on my face. He makes me feel like the only other person in the world. Fingertips move up my sides, pulling my shirt up with them. Raising my arms, I feel my heart race as my shirt is pulled over my head. The fast beat is a signal of want. I'm not scared anymore.

I climb onto his bed and stand on my knees before taking the hem of his shirt in my hands and lifting it off him, throwing it to the floor. I lie back as he climbs over me. Reaching up, he moves my hair off my face, kisses my forehead, and tells me I'm beautiful. My emotions mix into a melting pot I can't comprehend as trepidation and longing intertwine.

When my nails meet his back, I'm glad they're my real ones. Soft kisses grow impatient as they plunge deeper. A tornado of energy whirls around us, and all I can think about is how to get him closer, to stop holding his weight off of me.

With too many clothes between us and time that will be over before we know it, I reach behind my back and undo the clasp of my bra, pulling it off without breaking our kiss.

Edward places gentle kisses along my collarbone and heaves heavy breaths against my skin. We roll on our sides still facing each other, and my leg hitches over his.

Tangling my fingers in his hair, I pull him closer, capturing his mouth with mine. I move my hands down the planes of his chest and keep moving lower. I know where I'm going, but the lower I get, the slower my movements become. Edward is motionless as if I've frozen him in place, like he doesn't know what I plan to do, or maybe he does.

My fingers find the cloth belt around his waist and I pull. There's some resistance and maneuvering, but I manage to get it undone. The button on his pants takes two hands and the zipper is easiest of all. When I nudge his pants down, Edward is quick to pull them off. Wearing nothing but black boxers, Edward lies down next to me. I lie on my side and go back to kissing him, but my hands that had become so comfortable around his waist have to start over. I rest my hand on his chest as I wait for confidence to grow inside of me.

Edward takes over as he palms my breast and kisses my neck. A spark ignites in my stomach. I jut my chest forward when he lowers his mouth. He's so naturally good at everything. I hope and wait for him to push things further, feeling like I might combust. He's holding back, still keeping his hips away from mine, trying to be respectful, trying not to push me further than I want to go. It's up to me to say or do something. I can't find my voice.

Caught up in the moment, I pull his face back to my mouth and push him on his back. I'm ready to take control. With timid, jagged movements, I move my hands from his chest down to his stomach, all the while distracting us both with kisses that don't stay in sync. After moving my hand over the slope of his bellybutton and down the soft hair below it, I hesitate over the waistband of his boxers. Edward's breath catches as I caress the skin just above the material. There is an internal battle playing in my mind. One side says go for it. The other side says I have no idea what I'm doing.

I can do this. I kiss him one more time with all I have, and when I stop for just a moment to catch my breath, I slide my fingers just under his waistband.

I'm wrong. I can't do this. My fingers curl, digging into his skin. I'm inching my hand back out when I feel Edward's hand cover mine. As he guides my hand lower, I move with him, but hide my face in his neck, finding a sense of security as we take this next step.

My knuckles meet hard flesh, and I take over and wrap my hand around him as he lowers his underwear. His breathing changes as I start moving my hand. As I glide my hand up and down, I'm fascinated by the softness of his skin and the way it moves under my fingers. His size isn't as intimidating as the videos Alice has shown me, but as I think about the mechanics of sex, it still scares me. I wonder what he calls it because all the words that come to mind sound too crude. There should be a name that's sensual.

His hips lift with my movements, so I move faster and grip tighter just as Alice told me to months ago. Lifting my head, I kiss him, but it's hard to focus on kissing, moving my hand, and all the thoughts going through my head.

Edward pushes his hand through my hair. "What are you thinking?"

I can't look him in the eye. "Just…what do you call it?"

"Like a name?"

"Yeah." My movements slow.

He smiles, shaking his head. "I didn't name it."

"Oh. That's real though, right? The name thing—guys do that?" I look down, embarrassed. My eyes land on my own hand, covering him. I look to the side, embarrassed again.

"Yeah, I guess I've heard a few names. I don't really want to talk about what other guy's name their dicks though."

I shake my head in a quick vibration. "I don't either."

Edward looks up at the ceiling. He looks as uncomfortable as I'm starting to feel. I stop moving my hand.

"I guess sometimes, when we're just kissing…" He bites his lip as he glances at me. "I think 'Settle down, big guy.'" He looks away.

I remove my hand as our conversation makes continuing feel awkward. "So you've wanted more for a while."

"No…I mean I've been open to more. I haven't expected more."

"Oh. Me too."

"Are you done then?" He glances down, still swollen and wanting. "We can watch a movie."

I appreciate him giving me an out, but I like touching him. "No. I can keep going." When I take him in my hand again, he relaxes. I watch his eyes and there's something about them right now that's mesmerizing. They're open and he's looking at me, but it's like he's not, like he's somewhere else, lost in feeling, lost in me.

His lips fall open as he blinks. His tongue moves along his lips. He watches my face, and I can see his throat move as he swallows.

"What are you thinking about?" I ask, still moving my hand, never faltering from the rhythm I've set.

He shakes his head, but his eyes veer down.

I can tell there's something on his mind. "Tell me," I whisper.

He brings his index finger toward me and rests it on my mouth. Moving it downward, he pulls my lower lip with it and lets it go.

Oh. I take a deep breath through my nose. Something crazy comes over me because I don't think at all. This is something I swore I'd never do, but against all of my own logic, I move down and take him in my mouth without a second thought.

He hisses as I taste his skin. I start moving, but not so deep that he goes down my throat—I haven't forgotten all of my boundaries. I swirl my tongue around and add my hands. I know I'm doing okay by the soft whimpers he makes. Glancing at his face, we lock eyes. The sound he makes as I look at him sends a tremor through me, starting between my legs and shooting everywhere else. I keep moving my mouth over him, sucking and licking but careful with my teeth. When his legs begin to tremble under my hands, I feel powerful. I keep going for what seems like forever. His fingers are gentle against my cheek as his hips shift slightly. I try out different movements with my tongue until he makes a grumbling sound and his fingers push against my cheek.

"Bella… Bella… Bella…"

I keep going as he says my name.

"Bella, stop." He pushes me off—not hard but enough to get me to move.

I stare in shock as I have no idea what I did wrong.

His head is tilted back, and his eyes are closed. "Fuck."

When I look down, I see what happened. He came in his hand.

He chuckles and leans closer to me, kissing my neck before standing up. "Don't move. I'll be right back."

I stare at his departing back, not understanding why he stopped me. I would have finished. Spitting or swallowing was a choice I was prepared to make when the time came. I touch my neck where it's still wet from his kiss. Maybe he thinks my mouth is gross now. Maybe if he came in my mouth he would have thought it was disgusting when I thought it was normal. Feeling confused, exposed, and overwhelmed as I lay topless and alone in his bed, I sit up and put my clothes back on.

The shower turns on. I glare at the partially open door. When he comes out of the bathroom, his hair isn't wet, but he has a towel around his waist.

There's a foolish grin on his face until he looks at me and drops it. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah."

He touches my shirt. "Were you cold?"

I nod because I might have been cold. I didn't notice.

"Do you want to watch a movie now?"

"Sure, can we watch it downstairs?" I want to be close to him, but I need time to process everything without the urge to take clothes off again.

"Okay." He grabs his pants off the floor. I start to walk out of the room, but he grabs my hand. "Wait."

I turn around.

"Did we go too far?" His head tilts to the side; his eyes are wide open.

I feel bad for being annoyed. Thinking of voicing the reason that I was makes me laugh now. He's still flushed, and I am filled with pride that I made him that way. I feel my face heat up as I shake my head. He kisses my lips, disproving my earlier conclusion of him thinking my mouth is now gross. My fingers move over the tautness of his stomach. He hums in response.

When we go downstairs and cuddle up on the couch, I feel content and closer to him than I ever thought possible.

A/N:

Hi,

Thanks for reading this!

Thanks to my beta's and prereaders for all their help on this chapter: EdwardsMate4ever, kitchmill, ttharman and dazzled eyes22!

I posted my one-shot for the TLS Angst Contest on my profile. It's called Chasing My Demise. I'm working on a follow up chapter. If you'd like to read, but are worried about HEA, feel free to PM me if you'd like to be spoiled.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and feeling about this chapter. I know I was a bit embarrassed for these two. Please review.

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