Disclaimer:I don't own Taz, Up or Junior. I own the rest.
A/N:Song of the chapter: Perfect, Hedley
"I'm not perfect, but I keep trying, cause that's what I said I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave, was it something I said or just my personality?"
Taz's eyes flickered open and she found herself staring at the hospital ceiling from her bed. She sat up immediately. She sat still for a second before her head fell into her hands. She clawed at her hair, clenching her fists angrily.
What the actual fuck had she been thinking? No wait, she hadn't been thinking at all. She still felt overwhelmed, but at least she could think straight now. At least now, if she'd had the conversation with Cat again, it wouldn't have turned out like...that.
Taz released her hair and her fists dropped to the covers, her hair now sticking up at odd angles and her eyes looking down as she assessed the exact shade of cream that her legs were lay under. She was just trying to distract herself. It wasn't working.
"Taz?" she heard. It was Up. It was the precise same word that had left his lips before she had fainted. But now it was more confident, less worried, less 'what the fuck' kind of voice. Taz looked up. He was stood in the other side of the ward, a wheelchair positioned just behind him. He let go of the edge of the wheelchair and limped forwards. He looked different, again. He didn't look metal anymore. She frowned, she couldn't have dreamt it. Up saw the direction of her eyes and stopped just next to her bed. "Cloned skin. Mine, but just a clone from the other side," he explained, wiggling his left fingers slightly. He winced.
Taz raised an eyebrow. "It hurts?" she asked.
"A little," Up admitted, sighing. "It's got my nerves running through it you see, well, clones of my nerves...and my blood. Kind of needs time to get used to metal." Taz frowned curiously and took Up's left hand, pulling it forwards for her to see. It was the same. Slightly colder maybe, but the same. She turned his hand over and immediately raised an eyebrow; even the fingerprints were the same. Taz glanced up at him, hoping her eyes would tell him what her lips couldn't. Up gestured to the bed. "May I...?" Taz nodded. He sat down on the edge of the bed, looking at the covers nervously. A horrible silence fell over the pair and neither knew quite how to fill it. There were many possibilities, but none of them seemed right. Taz bit her lip slightly as three giggling nurses skipped into the room, breaking through the silence like a knife. The nurses stopped dead, still giggling slightly.
"Sorry," one of them laughed. "We were just...we'll just go if we're interrupting."
"It's fine," Taz said coldly. She threw her covers off and swung herself off the bed. "Up? Walk?" She stared at him without blinking.
Up nodded slightly. "Yeah." Taz walked round the edge of the bed and grabbed Up around the waist, leading him towards the door as he limped forwards. Up held his arms still, knowing full well that Taz was using the advantages of her small body against his big one to hide her flushed face from the nurses. She silently thanked him for that.
Taz pushed open the door to the practise hall and smiled slightly at Up, who was sat on the floor, doing stretches. He sat up and waved to her slightly.
"How jou doing?" she asked, sitting down on a bench.
"Fine, and you?" he replied, scanning her up and down. She wasn't wearing her hospital gown anymore, which was a relief. She had opted instead for a baggy pair of thin black canvas trousers and a v-necked grey sweater. She still hadn't sorted her hair out and it was currently falling like a wave down head.
"I'm okay," she agreed, looking at the floor. Up nodded before turning back to his stretches. Taz watched him for a few minutes.
"When do jou think they'll let us out?" she questioned. Up looked at her, tilting his head.
"You want to go?" he asked.
Taz shrugged. "Maybe," she admitted, looking at the room with a distasteful expression. "Not exactly anything here for me is there?"
The sentence had come out wrong. Seriously wrong. Taz saw it in Up's eyes. His face paled and his blue eyes shone strangely as they grew gradually bigger. His heart slowed down. There was a silence. Taz's mouth was open and her eyes silently pleaded with him. She didn't know how to explain.
He looked at the floor, blinking rapidly, pain stabbing at his chest. There was nothing here for her anymore. "Oh."
"No! Up! Oh, meirda! Dat's not what I meant!" Taz cried, kneeling down beside him and putting her hand on his shoulder. He shook her off and attempted to pull himself up. Anger burned in his eyes as he failed to pull himself into the wheelchair and collapsed onto the floor. Taz tried again. "Up?" She reached for his hand and he dodged it, trying and succeeding to pull himself into his wheelchair. Taz didn't know what to do. He didn't understand. She hadn't meant that. "Up!" she cried, standing and holding his wheelchair so that he couldn't move as she desperately tried to figure out what to say. She always knew what to say. Why were her words failing her now?
"It's fine, Taz," Up muttered, his eyes glassy. "I understand."
"No!" she shrieked, jumping and blocking Up's wheelchair as he tried to drive away. "Jou don't understand! Dat's not what I meant! Lo seinto!" She grabbed his arm and tried to catch his eye. He kept looking away. Her mind raced, her eyes flicking over him frantically.
"Taz, I get it," Up repeated. His eyes were lowered to the floor as he steered his wheelchair towards the door.
"Up," Taz pleaded, her voice cracking and her eyes flickering, bewilderment filling her heart. "Por favor."
"I'm sorry this happened," Up said sadly, looking over his shoulder at her.
She shook her head, not knowing what else to do. He wheeled himself out and Taz collapsed onto the floor, her head in her hands and her legs splayed out in different directions. She shook her head, a tear dropping to the floor. This was all her fault. All of it. She'd got him ripped in half, nearly killed him, only brought half of him back, and was now she was telling him he meant nothing to her. She wasn't surprised that he was mad at her, that he didn't want anything to do with her, but that didn't stop it from hurting.
There was a sound of a door opening. Taz didn't even look up.
"Taz?" Jacon asked. Taz glanced up at her friend. Jacon failed to hide his look of worry that flickered in his eyes as he looked down at her yet again broken form. He'd thought she was finally going to get better. But maybe her and Up's relationship problems ran deeper than just a little bit of metal. Taz just sat there as Jacon picked her up off the floor, unable to understand how someone so strong could possibly be so light.
Taz looked at him and blinked before lying against his chest. She said something quietly in Spanish. Though he'd never studied the language, Jacon was pretty sure she'd called herself a horrible bitch. Jacon shook his head as he carried her limp form back to her ward. "Never, Taz. Never."
Up didn't see Taz for days. He saw her around, walking past the practise hall and sat on that goddamn bench with those goddamn trees. He wanted to go up to her, say something about how he was sorry. But he was too scared. He couldn't deal with the pain anymore. He was a failure, he wasn't even human anymore. He had failed the one person that it had been unbelievably important not to.
Taz kept looking at him, a questioning look in her eyes as she caught her brown into his blue. Up would double take at the contact. It was strange, the contact was different now. Still the same eyes, still the same familiarity, still the little conversations that were proof they still knew each other as they always had. The only difference was the reason behind the contact. It used to be for support, for comfort. Now it was only ever for answers.
Up stood up from his wheelchair for the thirtieth time as he waited for Nurse Claudia to arrive and tell him to get out again. He might as well get his practice. Up fell onto the floor again, his ankle buckling painfully. He sat on the floor, his left leg in front of him and his right bent towards him slightly. He stared at his left leg with a grudging look on his face. How he hated it now.
Thoughts of Taz filled his head and his whole body seemed to sink even more. There was no point anymore. He had failed her; there was no way he was ever going to get back what they once had. Up's head fell forwards and he sobbed slightly, tears pouring to his eyes as he finally worked out what he had misunderstood for years. Those years in Mexico City had broken him. Up had believed for a while that he wouldn't be able to fight again, that he was too messed up. Then suddenly the feeling had faded, he no longer felt weak. He felt strong. He felt brave and tough and he felt like he had balls bigger than any man ever had. Up had always believed it was his promotion to Lieutenant that had brought him back. But it wasn't. It was Taz.
There was a yelp. Up looked to the door. Taz was stood, staring at him as his shoulders shook violently in between sobs. Tears pouring out of his eyes. She blinked and looked around, her own tears rising to her eyes. Pain echoed through her chest, it was almost too much. This was her fault. What had she done to Up? Her Up? Thoughts ran through her head, trying to make sense of things. Only one thing seemed to occur to Taz, and as soon as she thought it, she convinced herself it was true. Up was angry with her, he hated her. He wasn't going to get any better while she was here because she was just bringing back every bad memory that she had caused. If she really cared about him, she had to go. She had to- for once- be strong. She turned and ran before any weakness could fill her mind. The agony grew with every step, as did the temptation to run back into the room and throw herself into Up's arms. But she couldn't. She wouldn't. Taz loved Up. More than anything. She had to give him a chance to live.
Taz walked out leaving Up sobbing behind her; she could hear him as she walked. She tried and failed to ignore it. Up buried himself into his own arms, clinging to the shoulders of his shirt and hugging himself, tears falling from his eyes in rushes. He'd seen the broken look in Taz's eyes as she looked at him. He was ashamed, he was guilty, he was angry. This was breaking her, and as she broke, it was opening old wounds so he was breaking with her.
Taz stomped down the corridor away from the gym, sweat pouring off her like a waterfall. She grimaced; it had been a good workout. She wiped the sweat off her head with the back of her hand and flicked it onto the floor, slightly repulsed. Taz pushed opened the door to her ward with her hip and slipped through without even brushing the fast shutting door. Up's nurse was sat eating her lunch at one of the desks, flicking through an old magazine without even reading the fascinating stories of pregnant celebrities and messed up plastic surgeries that blessed its pages.
The nurse looked up as Taz walked over, closing the magazine without even bothering to check the page. Taz didn't even have to say anything.
"Movement, getting a bit better. Memories getting a lot better, but the more he remembers, the more he seems to want to give up all together," the nurse explained, like she'd said it a million times. To be honest she said basically the same thing every day, every time Taz came to her demanding on all news of Up's progress. Taz sighed, looking at the floor. "Why don't you just go to see him?" the nurse suggested.
Taz shook her head. "No."
"You're hurting him by staying away," the nurse told her, leaning back and taking a bite out of her apple.
Taz's features twitched slightly. She shook it off. "No, jou don't understand. I'm trying to help him!"
The nurse sighed. "By hurting him?" she questioned. Taz's face contorted slightly. "He needs you."
"NO!" Taz yelled, turning away. "He needs to stay away from me!"
"That's not true, Lieuten-"
"BE QUIET!" Taz shrieked. "Jou are here to tell me about Up's progress, not to attempt on giving me advice with my own life! Jou don't know him like I do! Now butt out!" Taz stormed towards the door. "I'll be back tomorrow, for any real news." The nurse sighed and threw her head back, flinching as the door slammed loudly. Out of the corner of her eye the nurse saw Cat appear from round the corner and look around cautiously.
"Taz," the nurse said loudly. Cat's shoulders visibly slumped and she sighed, brushing her hair back irritably. "I'm sorry, Cat."
Cat shook her head. "It's not your fault, and it's not Taz's either. It's those dead-god-damn robots." She turned and walked back into the office, her hand on her head.
Up's condition wasn't improving. Everyone knew it. Up was remembering more day by day and every day he was deteriorating inside. No one really knew what to do. They didn't fully understand quite what was going on, and because of Up's insistent denial to answer any questions the psychologists posed to him no one was getting any wiser. Cat knew of course, but attempting to convince the fault of Up's problems that she'd never hurt Up before now only caused a lot of shouted cursing and slamming of doors.
Taz knew too- well- she thought she did anyway. It was quite certain in her mind and no speeches from Cat were only making her more and more sure. This was all her fault. But not because she was staying away from Up, but because she was still there. She wasn't going near him all right, but he would still see her walking around the building and sitting in her garden. After all she'd done to him it shouldn't have surprised Taz that even being in the same place as her was causing Up to break down.
Taz had decided that she had two options:
1. Get moved to a different hospital.
2. Get discharged.
Being Taz, the obvious option for her to attempt was to get moved a different hospital by means of causing as much trouble as was humanly possible. She began that very day.
She started fights with a different re-cooperating ranger every day.
She broke expensive equipment.
She trashed her ward, three times.
And she threw things at every nurse that came within three metres of her.
Despite all this, no one did a single thing to suggest that Taz was ever going to be transferred to another hospital. Cat had forbidden it. Cat was well aware of what Taz was doing, what she was hoping would happen. Cat had no intention of allowing that to come true. Though it was an almost impossible hope, Cat was still praying for some kind of change of heart from her younger friend. She doubted it, highly. Taz was not one to go against her decisions. But as long as there was still time for Taz to save Cat's brother and as long as there was still doubt flickering in Taz's eyes every time she saw him, Taz was not going anywhere.
Weeks past.
People came up to Cat everyday, telling her of things that Taz had done. Apparently her newest attempt to get moved was to get as smashed as she possibly could and run round the hospital cursing at the top of her voice and slamming every door she passed. Cat merely blinked and told them she was experienced PTSD.
"Cat!" one of her fellow medics finally cried after this statement. Cat looked at her friend, a dark haired medic named Tanya.
"Yes?"
"She needs to go!" Tanya cried. Cat shook her head. "Cat, seriously. Other than this total desperation to get out of here, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the girl!"
"She's not leaving," Cat said defiantly.
"Cat-"
"No! Tanya, no!"
Tanya took a deep breath. "I know why you're keeping her here, Cat. It's not working. You've kept her here for nearly three weeks longer than she should've been kept. If she was going to do it, she would've done it by now…" Cat's eyes looked pained. "She's not going to help him, Cat."
Cat looked at the floor. "I know," she mumbled.
"I'm sorry, Cat."
"Don't, Tan. Don't say sorry when you have no idea what you're sorry for."
Taz sat on her bed, making yet another paper crane. She dumped the finished piece of origami on the side with the others she'd made in that day. She was up to 823 now, having not made any during the course of the war build up and the battle in Washington DC she'd missed out on around a year of paper of paper crane making.
"Taz?" Cat asked. Taz looked up at her. She looked horrible, like she'd been crying and was now trying to hide it. She'd covered it up with make-up, which had not been sufficient for the amount of crying she'd done. Taz gave her a questioning look. Cat took a deep breath, the air hiccupping down her throat and making a strange yelping noise. "Taz, I'm discharging you," Cat said. Taz stared at her. Her eyes were glassy and tears were welling up in them. Taz realised that Cat had thought she could help Up. She couldn't, she could only ruin him. Guilt filled up Taz's heart and she looked at the sheets.
"Where do I go?" Taz asked.
"Back to the Academy," Cat replied, biting her lip to stop her lips letting out the tiniest of sobs. This was it.
Taz looked at the older woman, a strange feeling rising in her chest.
"I'm sorry, Cat," she murmured. "This is my fault."
"No, it's not," Cat replied. "Like I keep saying." Taz shook her head. Cat was wrong. She was to blame. She was guilty of this. "Do you want help packing?" Cat asked. Taz shook her head again. Cat nodded slightly and walked off. Taz didn't move from her bed, unsure what to do. Packing would be the obvious thing, but there seemed to be other obligations that played at the back of her mind. She wasn't even sure what those obligations were.
She couldn't believe this was happening. She'd been planning for it to happen for about a month, but for some reason now the time was here she couldn't bring herself to move from her exact spot. If she packed up now, she was leaving Up forever; she would probably never get the chance to go back to him.
Taz had a hard time adjusting to that fact, she didn't know if she was going to be able to cope. As it was, she highly doubted it. Her heart was clenching violently just as she thought about it. Up had been a part of her life for years, so many years. Taz didn't want to think of a time when she would never see his face again.
She'd had to deal with this before, when he 'died.' But the truth was, then, she'd never considered life without him. She'd never stopped dreaming long enough to consider reality without that man.
Taz took a breath, forcing herself to swing her legs off the bed and stand up. She grabbed a rucksack from under her bed and shoved her paper cranes into it, dropping her books in there along with a couple of sets of cloths and her bandana. Pain was stabbing her in the chest with every movement, every second one second closer to never seeing Up again.
"You really going to do this, Taz?" a voice questioned. Taz turned to see Emilia leaning against the doorframe, her head tilted to one side and a worried expression on her face.
"What do jou mean?" Taz asked. "Of course I am."
Emilia raised an eyebrow. "You're really going to leave him?"
"...yes." Taz grimaced as her voice cracked in the middle of the word. This was getting ridiculous. She couldn't even get her words out anymore, never mind decided which ones to say.
"Why?"
Taz growled irritably. "What do jou mean why?" she demanded.
"Why are you leaving him?" Emilia asked calmly.
"Because...because...so...so he can get better," Taz said, annoyance rising in her voice.
"You think leaving him will make him better?" Emilia asked.
"I know it will."
"You have proof?"
"Emilia!" Taz cried. "It will! I know it, okay? Now drop it!"
"I thought you loved him..." Taz's head jerked to face her best girl-friend who was now stood a metre away from her, chewing on her lip slightly. Taz glared. "That is was you said," Emilia reminded her.
Taz's shoulders slumped. "I do love him..."
"Then why are you leaving him?" Emilia asked. Taz glanced at her friend as she zipped her rucksack up and swung it onto her shoulder.
"Because I can't bear to hurt him anymore."
"Has it ever occurred to you," Emilia began, blocking Taz's way out of the room. "That you hadn't hurt him until now?"
Taz stared her friend down. "I've hurt him much more than jou realise," she said coldly, pushing past her friend and into the corridor. Emilia turned and looked at the Hispanic girls back.
"You're wrong, Taz. You made him better." Taz didn't look back.
On the way back up to the Academy Taz headed to the bathroom. She got into her uniform, sorted her hair out, spiking it up and tying her bandana round her head. She stared at her reflection, not recognising who she was seeing anymore. Was she really that girl who'd had her Quinceañera attacked ten years ago? She couldn't see a trace of that girl in the one that was reflected in the mirror. What would Leon think if he could see her now? For some reason, Taz didn't think he would proud.
She glared at herself in the mirror. Here she was, feeling sorry for herself. She was a fighter, she could deal with anything, and- no matter what those fucking nurses said- Taz knew exactly what she was fighting for. She was fighting for the same thing she'd always fought for. Up.
"Taz, we're landing," Jacon called through the door. Taz pressed the button and the door opened revealing her friend stood a few steps from the door.
"Thanks," she mumbled, pushing past him and towards the seats. She buckled herself in without a word. They landed in silence.
People came to greet them at the landing dock. Hundreds of people. Every Commander, Lieutenant, Ensign and Cadet came to see them off the ship. It didn't surprise Taz in the slightest that they all knew. This was the Galactic League they were talking about. Nothing was ever hidden from anyone. The doors opened and people from every direction almost instantly attacked Taz. She vaguely registered words including 'hero' and 'brave' and 'crazy.' This would have made her feel good at some point in her life, but all she felt at that point was overwhelmed.
"Well done, Lieutenant."
"You're amazing, Taz!"
"That was totally sick, dude!"
"You're so brave."
"You're such a hero! You ended the war, ma'am." Jacon noticed Taz's distress and held the people back as much as he could. Taz vaulted down off the gangway and onto the dock. She thanked a couple more people before desperately trying to make her way towards the door.
"Lieutenant Taz?" A hand gripped her wrist. Taz turned and was faced with a handsome face she didn't recognise. He was medium height, with a defined face, pretty grey eyes and light brown hair.
"Who are jou?" Taz asked.
"My name's Junior," the man said, holding a hand out to her. She ignored it. "Maybe you heard of me." Taz blinked. "Or my dad, he's the Ambassador."
"The Ambassador has a son?" Taz asked, her head jerking back in shock.
"Well yeah, that's me!" Taz nodded slightly. "I'm his second-in-command!"
Taz frowned. "What happened to Space-Claw?" Junior blinked and suddenly looked very shocked, he glanced round like he expected everyone to be watching their conversation. They were all too busy pestering Commander Liv. Junior pulled an 'o' expression.
"Oh! You don't know," he said, holding his hands up slightly and tilting his head. "Well, yeah, he's the Ambassador now." He held an expression that made him look like he feared Taz might hit him. She was actually considering it.
"What the hell happened to the Ambassador?" she demanded.
"He died," Junior said simply, shrugging and straightening up. He went back into the hunched position as soon as he saw the look in Taz's eyes.
"Well jou said dat casually!" she growled.
"I'm sorry," Junior whimpered. Taz looked away. "Hey, but we gave you a great present didn't we?" Taz's head jerked back to look at him. Junior grinned happily. "My dad's a great fan of robotics, I'm sure you're glad. That Mister of yours would be dead if he weren't." Taz froze. Junior realised his mistake and backed up slightly. "But then again-"
"Jour father did dat to Up?" Taz asked, unsure how exactly she should react to this information. He'd turned up into half a robot. Should she be mad? No, he was alive. Should she be grateful? No, he was part robot.
"Yeah, I mean, he saved his life, right? I mean, he's aliv-"
"Shut up," Taz said irritably. Junior halted. Taz looked at the floor, shaking her head and frowning. Then, without another word she straightened up and pushed past Junior with her shoulder, continuing towards the door.
"Oh, is that it?" Junior called. "Well maybe we could continue this conversation some other time? Over dinner maybe?"
Taz didn't even bother looking at him. "In jour dreams, Hunior."
"The conversation, or the dinner?" Junior asked.
"Both."
"Okay, just checking."
A/N:That last conversation went slightly wrong…