Hello there. Okay, this time I have a legit excuse for taking so long to update. I just finished High School (*sob* *sob* because College is next ) and I had two graduating ceremonies, the signing of the High School certificate, final exams, stress, etc. My inspiration was 0 (and my time) with all that going on around me. I decided to update before my grandma's birthday, because, as expected, I am not going to have time in the next days (She's turning 60!). At this point I am sure there are only two more chapters coming and then the end. I can't believe I had been writing this for almost for a year (or more? I have not checked the date). Who could have guessed? I hope everyone enjoys this chapter! My greetings!

Danise Nowak

Ch. 26 Frustration

Three long and torturous months have passed since I had started with Sadiq's stupid training. Three fucking months of being exploited like an animal. Three months that-now I could see-were necessary. At the beginning running five times the field killed me, now I ran them with ease.

Even so, it was not easy. The extra hours were like a torture because I was not only exploited physically, but also emotionally. I had to endure all the harsh words that came out of Sadiq's mouth. Don't get me wrong; he never had really cared when he said harsh things and I could brush him off with ease because I knew it was part of his character and he could say them to anyone, but now those words were directed towards me, and only me. I have not rebuilt completely my self-esteem so the impact of his stupid words was worse than I could let the others see.

And it was not only from Safiq that I received blows, my team also contributed. Obviously I was more tired than them everyday, at least at the beginning, so my stamina was not the best or the one they wanted and they didn't waste the time to let me know about their opinions.

"Run faster, Vargas. Even a kid can run faster."

"I can't believe we considered you as someone important for the team."

"I don't want Vargas in my team. He doesn't know the tactics and ruins everything."

They were simple words. They were the truth and I knew it. It was obvious that I was more tired for I had an extra practice and slept less. It was logic that I didn't know the tactics because Sadiq didn't let me stay when he explained them. It was noticeable that I had lost some of my agility after my stay in the hospital. But no one seemed to care and I didn't try to defend myself. I ready knew I had failed them before and I deserved the treatment.

That didn't mean it was easy. In fact, with the treatment of my teammates and Sadiq's mixed together I reached my limit plenty of times. No one ever knew about it because I have always been an expert to hide my weakness. Not even Antonio knew of those times.

And right now, I was having one of those break downs.

I was standing in the FC Royal's showers under the cold water with my clothes still on in a weak attempt to cool my temper. I was grabbing my left hand because I had hit several times the rough wall and managed to wound it. My knuckles were bleeding a little and a bruise was starting to form over the whitish skin of my hand.

My eyes were closed and tears were falling from them; I could feel them forming, but they ended up mixing with the shower's water and turning invisible to anyone's eyes. I took deep breaths every three of four minutes to calm myself, but I could feel the frustration and the anger still present in my chest. Every second it was more difficult to breathe and the tightness around my heart was only increasing. That's why I was currently crying.

Because of the hour-almost two hours after the official practice had finished-there was no one around and the only light on was the one of the showers. I liked to leave only that light on because seeing all the changing rooms illuminated only made me feel lonely and the knowledge that I was being excluded from the team that I liked turned into a wave of sadness. However, I couldn't say I was completely alone, since there was always a stupid person that liked to wait for me. I have never understood why he stayed when the comfort of his house was waiting for him. He was an idiot; my boyfriend, but still an idiot.

"Lovi? Are you there?" I did not answer hoping for him to give up and leave, but it is of Antonio that we are talking about and he would never do that." I know you are here. Are you still in the shower?"

No, Antonio, the water decided to fall in the showers just because. Or better, a scary phantom wanted to take a shower because he felt dirty.

I kept my sarcastic thoughts in my head and nodded, but then I realized he could not see me.

"Mmhhmmm" I mumbled not trusting my voice in this moment. The Spaniard had an incredible capability to hear any flaw in the way my voice sounded.

"You haven't finished? It's getting late."

I didn't answer because suddenly I felt really irritated with Antonio. Couldn't he get the idea that I wanted to be alone in the shower where I could take out all my frustrations? Couldn't he understand that simple thing? Apparently no.

"Lovi?"

This time I heard his voice nearer; in fact, I knew the stupid Spaniard was taking a peek from the door that was the access to the showers. Antonio had acquired the peculiar-and pretty crazy- habit of looking at me when I was bathing. It freaked me out at the beginning, but as time passed I started to ignore him; that did not mean that I did not call him a pervert every time I caught him doing it. Right now I just remained calm; he already had seen me completely naked once and I was not naked in this moment, so why should I care?

"Lovino, are you okay?"

He was worried. He only used my full name and forgot the stupid nickname he loved to use when he was worried. I opened my mouth and tried to produce a decent voice.

"Yeah, I am fine."

"Liar" Antonio said and I heard his feet splashing in the water. He didn't have his shoes on. "I can see the blood mixed with the water and you are not naked; something that is usually required when you take a bath. What happened?"

I didn't have time to answer-not that I was going to say the real reason- because he took my injured hand and his fingers explored the wounded knuckles. His skin felt warm in contrast of my cold body that was receiving a constant flow of freezing water. I shivered and grimaced when he touched a particular sensitive area of the wound.

"It's nothing. They will heal in two or three days." I explained opening my eyes. His green eyes stared at me full of anger because we both knew I was lying.

"It IS something, Lovi. We have discussed this a hundred times. Don't try to minimize the importance of the things that are related to you." He kissed my knuckles and hugged me. I leaned towards his body as a reaction. "How did you acquire those wounds?"

"I hit a wall."

"You surprise me more each day, Lovi." He chuckled and then sighed. " Now tell me, why would you hit a wall?"

Suddenly I realized where we were and the scene that had started the peeking sessions came to my mind. I was not naked this time, but, for God's sake, why did he have to interrupt me when I was inside of a shower? He was a fucking pervert. I pushed him and took two steps back to create a distance between us.

"Just because."

He did not say anything, but took a step towards me with a frown in his temple and reached for my healthy hand. His grip was stronger than it had appeared because I could not shake him off.

"Di la verdad, Lovi."

"I hate when you speak in Spanish."

A step back and a step forward. The only sounds that could be heard were the sound of the water hitting the floor and the splashes that our feet caused when we moved. Now Antonio was again near me and the distance I had managed to create disappeared. I took a step back and felt my body hitting the wall. I had no escape.

"No es cierto. You love it."

I sighed knowing I was not going to be able to skip the question-or escape from him-, so I clenched my teeth and let Antonio's arms snake around my waist.

"I am frustrated with everything." I said looking at my bloody hand. "But I can endure it. I have endured it until now; I know I can do it for a little bit more."

"Why didn't you say that to me?" He asked kissing my temple gently, but I could feel how his body tensed. "I could have helped you."

"I have to fight my own battles, Tonio. I decided to continue playing football, so I will accept the consequences of my decision."

"And that's why you cry alone in a shower, and hit walls?" He asked skeptically while leaning over me so that our bodies could touch each other. "I am your boyfriend, Lovi. I think you can talk with me at least."

I became stiff after he said that. He was right. When I accepted him as my boyfriend, I kind of accepted that I could trust him. Shutting up about something as trivial as the frustration that I had in the practice was only showing that I didn't fully trusted him. I was being stupid; again.

"I…..I…" I mumbled placing my hand at each side of his face to make him stare at me and only me. "I tend to forget that I have you there, bastard. I..." The words failed me and I lowered my eyes ashamed.

"You are not used to have someone so close?"

I nodded slowly. It was not easy to accept those words. It meant that if Antonio hadn't appeared I would be alone. It meant that I was accepting I was a lonely person that did not know how to talk and act around people.

He remained quiet for a moment but then his expression changed completely. He smirked and hugged me tightly pressing me against the wall. I did not complain because I had missed Antonio's heat, even if I did not show I had. We had not had a lot of time to be together, so these moments were as rare as a blue elephant walking on the street. The way he was looking at me made me have goosebumps and my body suddenly was full of nervousness. Was that lust in his eyes?

"Then I just have to remind you that I am here, siempre a tu lado, mi amor."

And he kissed me.

I noticed immediately that it was not a normal kiss. It had more insistence, more passion; it was better. That scared me. Why was Antonio suddenly doing something like that? Was he angry because I had not told him everything? Was he just playing with me? My thoughts made me stop in the middle of the kiss and I pushed him weakly.

"Why?" I asked without looking at him.

I felt his hands on my cheeks, warm and strong, and the next thing I knew he had kissed again my lips, but this time in a soft and gently way. I knew he had kissed me so that my eyes could turn to look at him, and it worked. The bastard knew me well.

"Lovino" He said softly. "I don't know if you have listened to me when I tell you these words, but I want you to listen this time." He hugged me and rested his head on my shoulder. "I love you, Lovi."

I didn't know what to say. I just remained still in Antonio's arms while cold water made our clothes cling to our body. I have heard every single time he had pronounced those words. It always hurt, because I was not capable of saying them to him. The words, those three simple words, were always stuck in my throat. Maybe this time I could say them. I opened my mouth, full of hope, with the words on the tip of my tongue.

"I….I..l.."

I could only stutter. It was always the same. I closed my eyes frustrated and lay my head on Antonio's chest. His hands caressed my back to try to comfort me, but I was angry with myself. I felt miserable, I felt a failure, I felt I was not going to be able to resist for much longer.

"Lovi, why did you hit the wall?"

I sighed.

"Frustration."

"From what?"

"Everything"

"I need more words, Lovi" He sang. "I can't understand with one-word answers."

"You are so stupid!" I exclaimed pushing him again, but this time with all my strength. He almost fell because of my sudden attack, but managed to remain standing. I was glaring daggers with my eyes as all the frustration suddenly made me want to ventilate everything on him. "You must be the stupidest person in the world!"

"Lovi? What…?"

"The dumb Antonio did not notice how his teammates were harassing his boyfriend." I said with a voice full of anger. "He did not notice the way his coach screamed every mistake his boyfriend made so that the entire team could laugh and he was nowhere around to say something."

I looked at him. Antonio was standing in complete silence before me with a guilty expression on his face. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it after two seconds. He knew. He fucking knew everything. I had expected that, but his silence also told me that he had rejected the opportunities to help me or at least defend me. I was such a moron.

I laughed bitterly and turned the water off.

"But I guess you already knew." I muttered as I passed him. "I am going home."

I changed my wet clothes for the dry ones I had in my bag and got out of the changing rooms without looking back at the silent figure that had followed me outside of the showers but had remained inside of the building. I shivered when the wind hit my face and a few cold drops of water from my wet hair fell on my face; after all I had not dried myself perfectly because I just wanted to get out of there.

"Vargas!"

Today is not my day. That's what I thought when I saw Sadiq walking towards me. I just frowned, as I always did when I was near him, and waited there because no way in hell I was going to walk and meet him. He was the one calling me, so he was the one that had to walk.

"What?"

"You should fix that temper of yours, eh?" He said copying my frown.

"What do you want?"

"You will play in the next game, grumpy."

"What?"

I looked surprised at Sadiq. Playing in the next game? Hadn't he said that I was not going to play until he…? Oh God. Was he saying to me-in quite an indirect way-that he approved of my development? Was I good enough now?

"Don't get cocky kid. I will consider your teammates opinions to decide if you can finally join the team or not."

Magnificent words to destroy all the joy his previous statement had caused. My teammates, hmmm? Well, God be dammed, I was not going to join the team in quite a long time.

"Don't mess up things, Vargas" Sadiq said ruffling my hair. "Wet hair is bad for health, stupid kid. Go home and dry it."

"Yeah, yeah." I said pushing away his hand.

"Feeling down? Did you have a love quarrel?"

He was joking. I could tell that from the way he was talking and the idiotic wink he threw to me, but still it was exactly what had happened. Sometimes life likes to conspire against you, even if it means using someone's words to hit you where it hurts. Love quarrel? No, more like a betrayal.

"As if" I mumbled and started to walk.

"See you tomorrow, Vargas!" Sadiq screamed between laughs. Sincerely, I didn't understand why he was laughing. I had not told him anything funny, nor done anything that could be considered funny. Sadiq was just a green fish between golden fish. Something that was so estrange that could not be categorized.

A love quarrel.

I shook my head and kicked a rock that was on the street. When had I become so careless and stupid?

Translations

Spanish

Di la verdad, Lovi. Tell the truth, Lovi.

No es cierto. That's not true.

Siempre a tu lado, mi amor. Always by your side, my love.