Thank you all so much for sticking with this story! It means so much that I have such amazing readers!
This is by far the longest chapter, but it is also one of the most important.
I warned you all that there was a storm coming...and here it is. I have had this chapter planned out for a while, and I am excited and nervous about posting it.
Thanks to ladywolf101 for all of your help!
James came home after a long day working at the station. He was tired, and therefore looking forward to getting some rest. Henry and Emma were already asleep when he came through the front door, but he noticed a light still on in his bedroom. He quietly made his way back there, and found his wife sitting on the bed waiting for him. He smiled as soon as he saw her, and in no time he had taken a seat next to her.
"You didn't have to wait up for me," he said as he pecked her cheek.
"I needed to."
He furrowed his brow. "What does that mean?"
She gazed into his eyes as she took his hands in hers. "I'm late."
He didn't understand at first. "I'm not sure I get what you mean."
She took a deep breath. "James," she stated, looking deep into his eyes, "I'm late..."
It took him a moment before his eyes grew wide. "You're pregnant?"
She smiled. "I don't know for sure. I bought a test today and I was waiting for you to come home so I could take it."
"Then what are we waiting for?" he eagerly asked.
She crossed the room and grabbed a brown paper sack. He stood outside of the bathroom as she went in and took the test. His mind was racing. He felt pure excitement coursing through his veins. He hoped that it was positive. The idea of another baby made him beam. It seemed like the five minutes would never end, but finally the door opened, interrupting his thoughts.
Snow stood in the doorway clutching the little piece of plastic that would determine their fate. She held it out to him and showed him the result.
A pink plus sign.
He looked at her and his face morphed into a look of pure delight. "Snow, we're having a baby." She smiled back at him. He pulled her into an embrace. He was going to be a father again. They were going to be parents again. They were going to get a second chance to raise a family.
Snow and James couldn't sleep. They were both full of excitement. First thing tomorrow morning they were going to get to find out if their baby was a boy or a girl.
"I thought of a few names," Snow said as she lay on her husband's chest. He ran his fingers through her short hair.
"Oh you did, did you? Well let's hear them."
"For a boy, Leopold."
"Leopold? That's not a name, that's a prison sentence!"
"It was my father's name!"
"I ruled it out when we were coming up with names for Emma. That veto still stands."
She rolled her eyes. "And what do you suggest? James Jr.? Because my veto for that still stands."
"I think that's a good name."
"Of course you do."
"Any child of ours would be honored to be named after me," he stated with a smirk.
"Now you're just being cocky."
"Maybe, but you know that I have a point."
She chuckled. "I can see that we are nowhere near picking a name."
"Not if you veto the obvious choice."
She shook her head. "You're impossible," she said through a small giggle. He laughed in response and pulled her closer to him.
They were excited for their new child. They couldn't wait to meet him or her. It seemed like the wait would never end. Just thinking about it made them each happy. Everything was falling into place, and despite the crazy world they lived on, they felt like they were finally getting their happy ending.
Snow shot up. She didn't know what had woken her. She sat there and took deep breaths, realizing for the first time that something was wrong. She didn't know what, but she knew that it was bad. A thought passed through her mind, and she pushed it away. She didn't want to think that that was even a possibility. That had been her biggest fear over the past eighteen weeks, and she prayed that it wasn't a reality. And yet, she had this feeling that it was. And she didn't want to face it. She hoped that this was just some nightmare and that she was going to wake up soon, but she knew that that was not the case. She knew that this was real, and that scared her to death.
She noticed that her fingers were gripping the covers with all their strength, and she loosened them. She pulled back the covers, not wanting to see anything. Her breath caught in her throat and she bit her now trembling lip. This couldn't be happening.
She reached over and shook her husband. "James."
He sat up after a moment and yawned. "What is it?"
"Something's wrong James," she whispered, her voice quivering.
His face fell. "What do you mean?"
"I...I'm bleeding."
His face paled. "I'm going to call Doc and then take you to the hospital." He reached out and placed his hand on her cheek. "It's going to be okay."
"What if it's not?"
"Hey," he said as he wiped away one of her tears, "everything is going to be fine."
She nodded as he got out of bed and retrieved his phone. He had to take a minute to calm himself down. He had to be strong for his wife, even though it was hard. He was worried about their child. He was praying that their daughter or son was okay. Because if their little Charming wasn't, he didn't know what he would do.
He quickly made the call and agreed to meet Doc at the hospital as soon as possible. He threw on some clothes and grabbed a few things for Snow, as she was still sitting in bed. He could see that she was lost in her thoughts, and lines of worry etched her face.
"Sweetheart, we've got to go now," he told her as he helped her out of bed. He didn't want to look at the sheets, but he couldn't have missed the large stain. That was a lot of blood. He just hoped that Snow didn't realize that. Because he was slowly losing hope that their baby was okay. He handed her some new clothes and she changed as he scribbled a quick note to Emma, letting her know where they were. Once Snow was ready, he grabbed her hand and helped her out to his truck. He made sure that she was situated, and then hopped in and headed towards the hospital. He noticed that during the entire drive she stared out the window. He saw tears pooling in her eyes, and he reached out and laced their fingers together. Even though he was slowly breaking inside, he wasn't going to let that show. His wife needed him.
Doc was waiting for them when they arrived. He guided them to an examination room and immediately ran some tests. As soon as he was finished, he hurried into another room to determine the results.
Snow sat on the examination table, with James standing right beside her. He kissed her forehead as she twirled her ring on her finger.
"I'm scared, James."
He took a deep breath. "So am I."
They didn't say anything more. They were both just consumed with their own thoughts.
Doc entered the room after what seemed like an eternity. His face was blank, but James could see the sorrow in his eyes.
"What is it?" Snow asked.
He set his file down and looked her straight in the eye. "Your highness, there is no easy way to put this..."
She violently shook her head, tears already welling in her eyes. "No, no, no. Please, no."
"I don't know what caused this. Everything was fine at your last appointment."
"It's all my fault!" Snow whimpered as she shook with silent sobs.
"Shh, darling, no it wasn't. You didn't do anything wrong. You've given this baby a wonderful home, and you've done nothing but taken care of it. You've been a great mother so far. You didn't cause this. You had nothing to do with it. Nothing that you have done could have made this happen," James whispered as he held her face in his hands. He had tears running down his face as he spoke to her.
Her heart had broken. She had wanted this child so badly that it hurt. She had been eagerly awaiting the moment when she would have gotten to meet her perfect little baby. She had been dreaming of teaching it to walk and talk, of singing it to sleep, of just caring for it. She had already been robbed of a chance at motherhood, and now it had been taken from her again. Words could not express the sorrow that she felt inside. She didn't know if she could handle losing her child. She already loved it so much, and it wasn't fair that it was being taken from her. This baby was her son or daughter. It was her responsibility to care for it, and she had failed. It was her job to give it life, and she couldn't even do that. She didn't know what she had done wrong. She had tried to be the best mother she could, but apparently it wasn't enough. Her child, one that she loved and wanted with all of her heart, had been taken from her.
He felt his heart ache when he realized that their baby was gone. Their precious little creation. He was never going to find out if it had its mother's beautiful eyes or black curls, or if it would have blonde locks or crystal clear blue eyes. He was never going to get to hear its first word or see its first step. He wasn't going to be able to be a father to his child. That all he wanted. He wanted to be there for his son or daughter, and he would never get the chance. He was never going to get to show it a loving home. The thought that his child was gone in an instant nearly killed him inside. He was never going to get to meet it or hold it in his arms. He had wanted it so much, and he had loved it more than words could describe.
It seemed like an eternity before they finally got to head home. They were each silent for the entire ride. Snow stared out the window as James focused on the road. He tried to clear his head, but that was impossible. As soon as they pulled up to the apartment, he hopped out and walked around to the other side of the truck and opened the door for her, helping her out. Her grip on his arm tightened as they walked towards their front door, but they still remained silent. When they entered the apartment Emma and Henry were both still asleep. Snow immediately went to their bedroom, shutting the door behind her. James walked to the kitchen and crumpled up his note to Emma, throwing it in the trash. As he moved to hang their coats up, he heard muffled sobbing coming from his bedroom. He threw the coats on the couch and went to his wife.
The first thing that she had seen when she had gotten home was the blood. And that confirmed that this was a reality. There was no way that she could deny it any longer. We began to strip the sheets, but could barely hold herself together. She left the sheets in a pile on the floor as she sank onto the bed. She held a hand against her mouth, desperately trying to hold in her cries. It didn't work.
She was sitting on the edge of the bed, a hand over her mouth and tears staining her cheeks. He noticed the pile of sheets on the ground and realized what she had been trying to do. He knelt in front of her and placed his fingers under her chin, gently pushing her face up so that she was looking into his eyes.
"Hey," he whispered, "I'm here." She broke down once more into loud, violent sobs. He climbed up on the bed next to her and pulled her into his arms. She curled up into a ball against his chest as she bathed his neck with her tears. He rested his chin on the top of her head as he rubbed her back and ran his fingers through her hair. He couldn't hold his emotions in any longer, and he sobbed with her. They sat there together and grieved for their loss. The grieved for their son or daughter.
Eventually Snow cried herself to sleep. He laid down next to her, lost in his thoughts. There was no way that he could sleep right now.
Morning slowly came. He heard Emma and Henry moving around the kitchen. He didn't know how he could face them. Snow was still asleep, and he didn't want to wake her. She looked so peaceful, a look that he doubted he would see on her features very often anymore. He slowly stood and wiped his eyes. He had to go face his family.
Henry was busy eating his cereal while Emma was sipping her coffee. He wondered if she had heard their sobs last night. She was a pretty heavy sleeper, so he doubted it.
"Morning Gramps," Henry said with a grin as James entered the kitchen. The corners of his mouth turned up in a fake smile.
"There's coffee in the pot," Emma told him. He nodded and poured the hot liquid into his own mug. He was going to need this caffeine boost if he wanted to get through today.
"Are we still going to go to the stables this afternoon?" Henry asked.
James had completely forgotten about his promise to his grandson. They had made plans to go horseback riding together. Henry had wanted to learn so that he could be a proper prince. There was no way that he could back out of their deal, so he nodded and offered another false smile.
He knew that he needed to tell his daughter what had happened. They couldn't keep it from her. The loss affected the entire family, and she deserved to know about it. But he couldn't get the words out. He couldn't admit it. If he said it out loud, then that meant that it was true, and he didn't want to believe that.
"I'm going to go to the station," he stated. He needed to distract himself. He knew that he needed to be there for his wife, but he didn't know if he could handle that right now. He needed to clear his head and keep himself busy. Not thinking about it would give him some temporary relief from this misery. He knew it wouldn't last, but it was his only option right now.
"Can I come?" Henry inquired. James nodded. His grandson had a knack for making him feel better, and that's what he needed right now. Henry quickly finished his breakfast and ran upstairs to get changed.
"Keep an eye on your mother," he said to his daughter as he shrugged his coat on. He played with his keys in his hands as he waited for Henry.
Emma gave him a questioning look, but she didn't say anything. As Henry bounded down the stairs, she ruffled his hair and gave him a quick hug. "Be good and listen to James," she told him as they left the apartment.
She finished her coffee and went upstairs. It was her day off, but she had taken some files home with her last night and she figured that it wouldn't hurt to flip through them. While it was boring work, she had to sort through them sometime. She had only made it through two files before she heard movement downstairs. She was surprised that it had taken her mother this long to wake up, as she never slept in, not even as Mary Margaret. Emma grabbed her now empty mug and descended downstairs.
Snow was busy changing the sheets on their bed. Emma wondered why her mother had decided to do this the second she woke up, but the blonde didn't question it. Instead she walked to the side of the bed and pulled the sheets up.
"Good morning," she said. Snow didn't respond. Emma raised her eyebrow, but didn't say anything more. They finished making up the bed and Snow grabbed the bundle of sheets on the floor. She hurried out of the apartment without a word, leaving a stunned Emma behind. She wasn't sure what this weird behavior meant, but she would definitely look into it.
Snow didn't wash the sheets. She threw them in the dumpster behind the apartment building. As soon as she had seen them that morning she knew that she had to get them out of her home. She was just going to wash them, but she knew that she could never sleep on them again. She just had to get rid of them. She channeled all of her anger, frustration, and hurt into slamming the lid of the dumpster. She kicked the side of the metal box and immediately felt a throbbing pain in her foot. At least she could still feel. She had cried every tear that she had last night, and all that was left was her anger. She didn't understand why something so horrible had happened to them. It wasn't fair. They didn't deserve this. As she climbed the stairs to the apartment, she wasn't sure if she wanted to hit something or cry. Emma had looked at her funny while they were changing the sheets, but she didn't care. She knew that she was acting strange, but she had every right to.
Emma was sitting at the kitchen table waiting for her. The blonde had gotten a second cup of coffee and was now doing the crossword on an old newspaper. Snow usually would have joined her, but not today. Right now she couldn't face Emma. She retreated into her bedroom and immediately crawled under the covers. She curled into the fetal position and began to twirl her ring.
Emma knew something was up, so she followed her mother. She found the other woman already curled up in bed, very unlike her. Snow was not someone who usually slept the day away. The blonde crossed the room and stood next to the bed.
"You know, the boys are going to be gone all day." She didn't get any response, so she just kept going. "We could have a girls' afternoon or something. We could watch movies and drink hot chocolate. But only if you're into it. If you don't want to, I get it." Her mother still didn't say a word, so she took her lack of response as a no. She slowly backed out of the room and headed upstairs. She had one more idea of getting through to Snow, and she was pretty confident that it would work. Snow was really into talking about feelings, and if that is what she wanted to do, Emma would happily comply. She would do anything to get her mother out of this weird mood swing.
She grabbed an envelope off of her desk. She had been working on the letters to her parents for weeks. She couldn't even count how much notebook paper she had gone through. Her hand was constantly cramped from writing so much, and she now hated the fumes of ballpoint pens. But it was going to be worth it when she saw the look on Snow's face when she got to read the letter from her daughter. Emma had done this in order to become closer to her mother, as that's what she was looking for, even though she wouldn't admit it.
She tiptoed downstairs and returned to her parents' bedroom. Snow hadn't changed positions. Emma traced the edge of the envelope, not entirely sure what to say.
"It meant a lot when you gave me that letter. I read it all the time. So I was thinking that I wanted to do the same for you." She placed the letter on the nightstand and backed towards the door. Snow made no move to open it, but Emma figured that she would any moment. The blonde decided to head upstairs and give her mother some privacy.
Snow didn't read the letter. In fact, she didn't even open it. She just couldn't. She was supposed to be finding out whether or not her baby was a boy or girl right now, not mourning her loss. She wasn't motivated to do anything today. She didn't want to move from her position. She wanted to stay here all day. She envied James a little. He was going to spend the whole day with Henry, and she knew that that would help him clear his head. She wished that she had a way to momentarily forget her pain. She could spend the day with Emma, but her daughter could read people too well. Emma would know something was wrong immediately, and Snow didn't want to talk about it. She wanted to ignore it, and maybe it would go away. At least she wished that that was true.
Emma had drifted off while reading a file, and she woke up a few hours later. As she rubbed her eyes, she figured that Snow had finished reading her letter, so she decided to head downstairs. She knocked before entering her mother's room, but she didn't hear a response. She cracked the door open.
Her mother hadn't moved, and she was still absentmindedly twirling her ring. She was staring at the wall as if she was lost in her thoughts. Emma noticed that the letter remained untouched. She would be lying if she said that it didn't hurt a little bit. She had practically poured her heart out, yet her mother didn't appreciate it. Emma crossed the room and snatched the letter up.
"You know, I don't know what's going on with you today, but you don't have to treat me like crap. I've been trying really hard to be a good daughter for you, but it's like you don't even care. I asked to spend time with you today and you didn't even respond. And then I spent all this time writing a letter for you to tell you how I truly feel about you and yet you don't even bother to look at it. You always want me to open up, but when I try you shut me out. I am done dealing with you today, and that is your own fault."
Emma immediately regretted her little speech as she stormed upstairs, but she did feel like she had every right to say it. Her mother was acting weird today, and Emma didn't think that she had to be ignored because of it. She had grown up in homes where she had been treated like this, but she had never thought that this type of behavior would come from Snow. It was foreign and it made her uncomfortable. She felt like she should go apologize right away, but Emma was way to prideful to do that.
Snow started crying as soon as Emma left the room. She knew that she was acting horribly towards her daughter, but she couldn't help it. She was stuck in this grieving trance and she didn't know how to get out of it. She couldn't talk to Emma about it, because she didn't want to burden the other woman with her problems. This was something that she had to deal with in her own way, even though she wasn't sure if her way was the right one. In reality she needed Emma so much right now. She wanted to hold her daughter and run her fingers through her curls. That was something that always comforted her no matter what. But she knew that she could never ask Emma to comply. She took care of Emma now. She couldn't help but long for the days when Emma watched over Mary Margaret. It was always comforting knowing that someone was there for you whenever you needed her. She missed having a best friend to turn to in times of need. Right now she needed Emma the most.
James and Henry came through the door just as Emma was storming upstairs. They had had a good day together, much to James's surprise. There was something about his grandson that made him happy during a time when he didn't think it was possible. He furrowed his brow as he saw Emma march into her room, and that's when he heard the soft cries coming from his bedroom.
"Henry, why don't you go upstairs?" The boy nodded as James turned and entered his room. Snow was curled into a ball under the covers and crying into her pillow. He knelt next to the edge of the bed. "Talk to me darling," he whispered.
"Emma...she..." Snow choked out.
"What happened sweetheart?" Snow shook her head and continued to cry. He locked his jaw as he rose and left the room. His wife had been through enough and she didn't need to have to deal with Emma's attitude. He knew that Emma was not the easiest person to live with and that she had a lot of emotions to deal with, but enough was enough. He had had it. They had put up with her for months, but this was the final straw. Snow had just been through a traumatic experience, as had he, and he would not let Emma treat his wife poorly. "Emma!" he hollered up as he stood at the foot of her stairs.
She appeared outside her door. "What do you want?"
"Get down here," he growled as he clenched his fists. She rolled her eyes. "I am NOT asking." He saw her eyes widen as she walked down the stairs. He wasn't one to usually have a temper, and he never treated her like a child.
"What?"
"What did you do?" he questioned as he pointed towards his bedroom. Emma snorted.
"She started it."
"Your mother is in there crying. I'm going to ask one more time. What. Did. You. Do?"
Emma seemed taken aback. "Calm down. Geez I just told her off because she was being kind of rude. I asked her to hang out today and she ignored me, and then I gave her this letter I wrote and she didn't even read it."
James unclenched his fists as he sighed. "She didn't say anything to you?"
"What is going on?" Emma asked, her voice slightly raised. He could tell that she was annoyed with him.
He looked at the ground and bit his lip. If he said it out loud then that meant that it was true, and he didn't want to believe that. But he couldn't hide from it forever. He looked back up at his daughter.
"Last night, your mother had a miscarriage. We lost the baby. We lost her."
Emma's mouth dropped. She saw her father start to tear up. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and continued to bite his lip. She could tell that he was doing everything he could to keep from crying.
"Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I wish I had known. Holy crap. She didn't say anything, I had no idea," Emma stuttered as she tried to collect her thoughts. She had no idea what to say. "I'm so sorry," she whispered. "That's horrible. You two don't deserve that."
"I just wish that there was something I could do, but I couldn't. It was just one of those things that we had no control over."
Emma shook her head. "It's not fair."
"Nothing ever is."
They stood in silence as they each were consumed with their own thoughts. Emma looked up at her father after a while with an inquiring look on her face.
"You said that you lost her. It was a girl?"
He nodded. "We were supposed to find out today actually. Doc told me while we were at the hospital. Snow doesn't know, and I don't want her to find out. It would just make it worse. It makes it seem more real than it already is."
Emma was quiet for a moment, and James could see that she was carefully thinking about what she was going to say next. "I don't know what to say to make you feel better. I'm not really the comforting type. But I can say that I am truly sorry for you two. You're my parents, and even though I don't show it very much, I do care about you two a lot and it hurts knowing what you're going through."
He wiped at his eyes. "Thank you."
She stepped forward and uncharacteristically pulled her father into a hug. He held her close for a moment, drawing all the strength that he needed from his daughter.
"I'm going to go talk to her."
"She won't admit it, but she needs you the most right now Emma."
"I know." She looked him in the eyes. "I want you to know that I do love you. If you ever need anything to keep you going, let that be your motivation."
He gave her a small and sad smile. "Thank you Emma. I love you too."
Emma turned and headed towards the bedroom. She heard her father climb the stairs, and she assumed that he went to spend more time with Henry. She knew that that was probably best for him, as Henry had a way of making people feel better. She stopped in the kitchen and sat in one of the chairs. She needed to clear her head. She didn't sit there for long before the tears started rolling down her cheeks.
She had lost her little sister. She didn't realize that she cared this much, but she did. She had grown to like the idea of being a big sister, and now that chance was gone in an instant. A member of their family was gone, and she had never thought that it could hurt so much. Plus she felt horrible for telling Snow off. She had been kind of rude to her during a time when she was broken. Emma couldn't believe that she treated her mother that way. She just wished that she had known. It would have made everything so much easier. And to top of all these emotions she was having right now, she felt guilt spread through her. She had wished, multiple times, that her parents weren't having a baby. She had wished that it had never happened. She had wanted it gone. She felt sick to her stomach. She wished that she could rewind and take back every nasty thought she had had about the baby and every poisonous word she had spoken. She had never wanted this. She had never wanted this kind of thing to happen to her family. And now her parents weren't the only ones who felt broken.
Emma wiped the tears from her face. She needed to be strong for her mother. She stood and walked to the door and pushed it open. She didn't even bother knocking, as she knew her mother probably would answer her anyway. She stood at the foot of the bed and watched her mother shake with silent sobs. Her stomach dropped and she wanted to cry herself, and she never cried. She folded her arms in front of her and cleared her throat.
"James told me what happened last night. I am so so so sorry. I can't even imagine what you're going through right now." Emma didn't expect her mother to say anything, so she wasn't surprised when she was met with silence. "Do you feel like talking about it?"
"Nope," her mother whispered.
"Do you want to be alone?"
"Nope," Snow answered. It was barely audible, and Emma could hear the hurt laced with her mother's voice. She sat on the edge of the bed and then laid down next to her mother.
Months ago they had found themselves in this exact same position. Emma had been there for Mary Margaret when she had needed it most. Emma had comforted her friend when no one else would. But now it was different. Now they weren't just two best friends. Emma was there to comfort her mother during a traumatic experience. Emma was there to watch over and take care of someone who desperately needed it. Snow wanted Emma there, and more importantly, she needed her daughter.
Emma scooted closer to Snow. She wasn't really an expert on comforting people, but she knew exactly what would make her mother feel a little better. She cleared her throat.
"When I was about six months old, I was put in my first foster home. It was a husband and wife, and they didn't have any children. They were both wonderful and loving people, and I was happy when I was living there. They taught me how to walk and talk, and they will always have a place in my heart, even if it's small, because of that."
Snow rolled onto her back. "Why are you telling me this Emma?"
"You'll see," she said as a small smile shaped her lips. "I used to ask them all the time about my first words and steps. I don't even know why, I guess I just wanted to remember. Anyway, I don't really remember much about the story of my first steps, but I do remember the one about my first word."
Emma paused and looked at her mother. Snow's face was blank, but she was actively listening. Emma cleared her throat and continued.
"It was around Christmastime. I was a little over a year old, and I had taken my firsts steps. I wasn't really a great walker yet, but I was working on it. I had been babbling for a few months, and my foster parents knew that I would say my first word any day. They were sure that it was going to be 'Emma'. Anyway, one day we were coming home one day and it had started to snow. My foster dad wouldn't let me play in it, and I got really upset. As soon as we were in the house I went to the window and started banging on it. I wanted to go out so badly. Every few minutes one of my foster parents would take me from the window, much to my displeasure. Finally they got fed up with dealing with my tantrums, and they agreed to take me outside. I was all bundled up and I couldn't even walk, so I just sat in the snow and played with it while my foster dad kept an eye on me. He kept telling me how pretty it was that day, and he kept asking me how much I liked playing in it. And that's when I said my first word. I grabbed a fistful of the stuff and threw it in the air. As I did this I screamed my first word at the top of my lungs with a huge smile on my face."
"What was it?" Snow asked.
Emma looked her mother in the eye and smiled. "Snow."
"Your first word was my name?"
"My first word was my mother's name."
Emma saw a hint of a smile on her mother's face. "Thank you Emma. For telling me."
"I knew it would make you feel better. And I know that you're hurting right now and I just want you to know that I'm here for you. As your best friend and your daughter. You don't have to talk to me right now, but you can when you're ready."
Snow was silent for a moment. She bit her lip as she thought about what to say next. She was truly touched by how loving Emma was being. There was no one else that she would rather talk to.
"Do you know how much you mean to me Emma?"
"Yes. You tell me all the time," Emma said with a grin.
"I know I tell you I love you, but you can't begin to understand how much I really do love you. You're so special to me. I wanted you so much. Words can't describe how badly I wanted you and how much I would give for you."
"Snow I know all of this."
"No, you don't. There is something that I haven't told you. I don't really like to talk about it because it is incredibly painful. I usually try to forget about it, and usually that is enough. But after what happened last night, I can't ignore it anymore."
Emma raised her eyebrow. "I'm not sure I'm following you."
"It's my turn to tell you a story Emma."
"Okay," the blonde said. She scooted even closer to her mother. Snow didn't move, but she did like how close her daughter was to her. There was something about Emma that made her feel whole.
"During your father's and my wedding, Regina threatened us. She told us that she was going to take away everything we love. You know this, because it's all Henry has been talking about for the past year. But as soon as I heard Regina's threat, the first thing that came to mind was James. I had been fighting so hard to be with him and couldn't imagine having him taken from me. But that all changed about a month later. We found out we were expecting a child, and nothing could bring me more happiness, yet at the same time it brought a consuming dread with it. I couldn't beat the thought of having my child taken from me. I worried about it all day and night. Then in the middle of the winter, I got sick. I got really sick. I almost died. It was terrible. The entire time I was worried about my child. We did everything we could. But it was in vain. I lost it. That was one of the worst nights of my life. I thought that I wouldn't be able to go on. But somehow I managed to. I focused on hunting Regina with James. Surprisingly, she took a while to make good on her threat, so we decided to continue on with our lives. We wanted a family, a large family since we both were only children, so we moved forward. By the night of Thomas's and Ella's wedding, we finally were ourselves again. We had finally managed to be happy again. I smiled so much that night. I felt like my life was finally complete again. A few weeks later, I discovered that we were expecting again. I was excited, but thoughts of loss plagued my mind. I pushed them aside and thought of my child. Then James went on a hunting trip. I stayed back because I didn't want to exert myself. The weekend had been going fine, and then disaster struck again. I hadn't done anything wrong. I had tried so hard to be a good mother and take care of my baby. And yet, the first thing I had to tell my husband when he came home was that I had lost our second child. I thought that there was no way for me to be happy again. I thought that there was no way for me to move on with my life. I wanted a child so badly. I would have given anything for a baby. I knew that I was destined to have a child. James's mother had a necklace that was enchanted to tell you what the gender of your first child would be. When I held it over my hand, it swung in the direction that indicated that I was to have a girl. But yet I was losing hope. Maybe the enchantment wasn't working. Twice I had been pregnant and yet I still didn't have my daughter. So I did the only thing that I could think of. I sought out help from one person who I knew wouldn't fail me. Rumplestiltskin. Looking back I know it was not wise of me to make a deal with him, but I was desperate. He gave me a potion that would guarantee that my next child would live in return for nothing. He said that he was invested in the fate of my child. Now I know that he just needed a savior for his curse. I kept my deal from James. He couldn't know what I had done. When I became pregnant with my third child, I drank the potion. I knew that I was going to meet this baby. As the months passed I felt the threat of the curse closing in on us. I sought help from everyone and everything I could. I had to protect my daughter. I had lost two children before her, and I couldn't lose her too. I was willing to go to any lengths to make sure that she would be safe. When she was born, I was filled with an indescribable joy. The second I held her in my arms I loved her more than anything I had ever loved before. I had thought that I loved her when I learned of her existence, but my love just grew. The moment that her hand clasped around my finger, I knew that everything I had done for her was worth it. It was worth it to get to meet my child and hold her in my arms. She was all mine, and she was perfect. And yet, I had to send her away. I had to separate with my child, and it destroyed me. Because even though this child had lived, I still lost her. She was taken from me, much like the two before her. And then she found us and I was happy again. Our family was complete. And then I found out that I was expecting for a fourth time. I was worried, but my excitement pushed any fears away. Everything was going so well, and I thought that I was finally able to have the family that I had always dreamed of. And then I awoke in the middle of the night and I knew that something was wrong. And I prayed that history wasn't repeating itself. But I knew that feeling all too well. And next thing I knew, I had lost another child. And now I am stuck in a place where I don't know whether to be angry or mournful. It isn't fair that all of my children have been taken from me in one form or another. I didn't deserve this. I don't deserve this. I have nothing but love in my heart for my babies, and yet I can't be a mother. It's all I have ever wanted since I was a little girl, and yet my dream has been ripped from me over and over again. I don't know how to go on. I don't have any more tears to shed. James and I have lost everything we've ever loved, and there is nothing we can do about it."
Snow had tears running down her face. She wiped them away. Emma sat there in shock. She wasn't surprised. She had just confessed some of her deepest secrets to her daughter. She knew the information was overwhelming.
Emma didn't know what to say. She had no idea that her mother had experienced such hardships. She had always thought that her parents had had charmed lives once they took back their kingdom, but she had been wrong. They had been robbed of so much in their lives. It wasn't fair that their family had to go through such terrible things.
"You've lost so much," Emma whispered.
"It's made me realize how much I love you," Snow answered. She reached out and grabbed her daughter's fingers. "You mean so much to me. You are the daughter I was told that I would have. You're the only baby that I got to meet and hold in my arms. You will always be my beautiful baby girl that completely changed my world the moment her fist closed around my finger. You are my child, and I love you so much."
Emma squeezed her mother's hand. "I love you too, Mom."
"You have no idea how much I needed to hear that," Snow told her daughter as she pulled her baby girl into her arms. Being a mother to Emma was the only thing that would make her happy again. She knew she had a lot of grieving ahead of her, but she wasn't dreading it. She had her best friend and child beside her, and that was all that she needed.
"Mom?"
"Yes?"
"I wrote you a letter. And I think that it is something you need to read."
"I want to read it. Earlier I just couldn't face anything, and I'm sorry if I made you feel like you weren't important to me. Because you are."
Emma pulled an envelope out of her back pocket. She held it out to her mother. Snow took it and pulled it open, holding the notebook paper in her hand.
Dear Mom,
I'm still not used to calling you that. Maybe because even though I think of you as my mother now, I still see Mary Margaret. Which isn't a bad thing.
I just want to say, that it was you that taught me how to open myself up to love. Having you for a best friend changed me into the person that I've always wanted to be. You taught me how to care for others and fight for what I know is right and what is important to me. You taught me how to comfort people and protect them. You taught me what it means to love a child. Without you, I wouldn't know how to love.
I've been searching for my mother for as long as I can remember. I've wanted to know who she was and I've wanted to meet her more than anything in the world. But of all the scenarios that I could have thought of, I never thought that my mother would be someone that I care so much about. I never thought that she would be my best friend. I never thought that she would be Snow White.
I do love you. I love being your daughter. I love having you for a mother. You are a better mother than I ever imagined. I used to dream about the person who you would be, and you are ten times better than anything I thought of. You're caring and kind, and you always take care of me. You always listen to what I have to say. You're always there when I need you, and you always manage to say the right thing. You are easy to talk to and I love spending time with you. You are trustworthy and loyal. You would do anything for this family. You have sacrificed everything for me. You are the most loving and sincere person I have ever met. I know that I can always rely on you. You are and forever will be my best friend. There is no one that I would rather have for a mother.
Love, Emma
"I mean every word, you know," Emma said as she noticed that Sow had finished reading it.
"I know." Snow wiped away the tears that had started to trickle down her face. "I hope you know that this is now my most treasured possession."
"You're just saying that."
"No I'm not. I've been waiting my whole life for something like this."
They sat in silence for a few moments. "It's not going to be easy for you during the next few days, is it?"
Snow shook her head. "It's going to be hard, but I promise that I won't push you to the side. I'm still your mother no matter what happened, and I can't ignore that."
"I'm here for you whenever you need me."
"That's all I need."
*Finds a safe place to hide*
PLEASE DON'T HATE ME!
I know that I'm a terrible person, but I've had this planned from the beginning, and I couldn't go back on that.
Raise your hand if I made you cry. I made myself tear up a little bit while writing this.
Do I dare ask for reviews? I don't know...