The Simpson's: In Space: Episode 9: Divine Pawns: Part 1
(Meanwhile on Earth, Knara and Bart arrive in the otherwise obscure Russian town of Veramashalenza, which from an overhead perspective it looks suspiciously like Springfield.)
Knara: (Confused.) Bart, I can understand Christmas shopping, but why in the middle of nowhere in a place like this?
Bart: Um… well, who knows? You might find something you weren't expecting.
Knara: Maybe, now you just go to some gift shops. Find something that looks interesting. Meanwhile I shall go and sign up to amateur Bear Wrestling.
Bart: Right, you do that. (The two go into opposite directions.) Now, to find Madrid, and wrap up all of this krannt, and put it behind us. (beat) Now I'm using alien swears instead of regular ones. I've been listening to Tsaritsyn for too long. But then again any amount of time around him is too long. (He walks down a long street. He then walks into a bar.) OW! How could I miss the door? (He enters the bar through the door. He approaches the bar tender, who looks like a Russian version of Moe.) Uh hello?
Bartender: (He takes a good look at Bart.) Hello young comrade? You look American.
Bart: What? Is that bad?
Bartender: No, no. It is good thing, for one thing, money of U.S. of A. Actually worth something around these parts. Rubles inflate like mad you know. So what will it be? And don't say Beer. I ran out it last week. And don't say Vodka. Barnofskie drank all of my supplies of Vodka two days ago. And don't ask for mead.
Bart: When did you run out of mead?
Bartender: No, no, no. I just got it from shady Zorahan merchant. I think it might actually be turpentine or something. But it taste horrible, just trust me on that.
Bart: I'm not here to get a drink.
Bartender: I can believe it. I got no drink to begin with. The closest thing to drink I got is hot plate and bucket that I fill with snow when pipes freeze over.
Bart: Look, do you know where I can find a Madrid Porsche?
Bartender: Ah! So you want information, just as good, since I don't got no drinks anyway. (He opens up a filing cabinet.) No let us see here. (He looks through the folders.) Personal Black Mail victims, Recipes for drinks, haven't used that one since I started up place, secrets of Soviet government to sell to American agents, secrets of Russian Federation government to sell to American agents, secrets of United Federation of Orion to sell to rebel organizations. (Sighs.) I swear that could have sworn that file was in here somewhere. AH! Here we go, (He pulls out a file labeled.) "Profiles".
Bart: (He looks anxious.) Look, just out of curiosity. Could you tell me a little bit about this place? I mean I only heard about this place about a few hours ago.
Bartender: Da, but first you tell me about yourself. I don't share personal information with strangers.
Bart: Okay, names Bart. I'm from Springfield.
Bartender: You mean that Springfield that was under that Chrono Sphere, right?
Bart: Yeah that's the one.
Bartender: Ah! That's a funny thing; we were under one such Chrono Sphere ten years
Bart: Odd, I always thought that Springfield was the only one to get one of those.
Bartender: Well you learn something new every day, even if at times it contradicts what you thought was true. My name is Moelensk by the way. Ah! (He pulls out another file labeled Madrid Porsche.) Is this what you were looking for?
Bart: Yes! (He takes the file.) Knara is going to be thrilled, or at the least cautiously wary.
(Knara enters the bar.)
Knara: Bart what are you doing here? Never mind, I need forty credits to register for Bear Wrestling.
Moelensk: This your girlfriend?
Bart: Were on the fence right now.
Knara: (She looks at the file that Bart's holding.) Wait what is that? (She takes the file from Bart's hands.) Madrid? (She looks at Bart in mistrust.) Bart, were not here for Christmas shopping are we? This has to do with my mother, doesn't it?
Bart: (He's trying to come up with an excuse.) Eh?… Maybe? I don't know, what did you ask? Where are we?
Moelensk: Wow, he hasn't even had a drink yet and he already has bad memory.
Knara: Bart, don't play stupid with me.
Bart: But that's the only thing I'm really good at! (Knara has a mad look on her face.) Okay look, I just want to get this whole. "Find Madrid krannt" over with, so that we could back to our lives. Remember? The one where we weren't running around most the galaxy looking for her? You remember those times? Right before Mary-Sue ruined everything?
Moelensk: Listen, as much as I like sight of teen angst. Can you please take this outside? You're scaring away regulars.
Bart: There's no one in here! Besides you said yourself you got nothing to drink but turpentine.
Moelensk: (He is silent for a moment.) Just get lost.
(Bart and Knara exit the bar.)
Bart: Now where was I? (All of a sudden he and Knara are surrounded by roughly twenty Blood Witches.) Look my rant about this whole thing is going to have to wait.
Blood Witch 1: (She approaches Knara.) We heard your coming on the winds. The Matriarch wishes to see her daughter again.
Knara: (She pulls out her Shock Scythe.) Try it. I'm really bored.
Blood Witch 1: As you say. (She throws a grenade in between Bart and Knara. It goes off knocking the two unconscious.) We shall take her to The Matriarch.
Blood Witch 2: What shall we do with the other one?
Blood Witch 1: We shall take him as well. He will make a worthy sacrifice to our goddess. (The other Blood Witch's look at her.) Okay a valid sacrifice. Let us just take them before the towns people grow suspicious. (They all begin to drag Bart and Knara away.)
(Meanwhile, onboard The Grim Resolve-CKM. Seth and Lisa are alone in Zaar's private quarters.)
Lisa: (She is trying to start up a conversation with Seth.) So… how are you holding up?
Seth: (He looks really angry, complete with the yellow eyes.) Lisa, my mother was kidnapped over three hours ago. On top of that I'm relying on Confederate starships in order to get her back! As if things could get any worse.
Zaar: (He enters the room.) Please don't say that out loud. You'll only jinx the whole mission.
Seth: (He gives Zaar a menacing glare.) Don't make this into a joking matter Quetzal, if you and your Master were doing your duties. None of this would have happened!
Zaar: Don't take this out on me! Master Thel and I only arrived to Amidala two days ago. Besides I've been having real problems coping with the death of a fallen kovar'cha.
Seth: (Dismissively.) What? Daavas finally meet his end?
Zaar: (Angrily.) Don't be snide human. Frankly I just want to get this whole thing over with. So that we can all go home.
Lisa: You're not enthusiastic about this?
Zaar: (He sounds offended.) What? You think that simply because my people are largely warriors that means we can't resist the rush of battle? That's only true when we remember why we're fighting. Me? (Sighs.) I'm barley even certain how this turved war started in the first place.
Seth: It started when The Commerce Collective got too greedy for their own good, invaded Senator Rhea's homeworld of Ooban over increased trade route taxation or something. Then after that some Blood Lord Rakata rose to prominence among Alliance frontier worlds, raised support among them. Built a large army of maddened and blood thirsty cultists. One thing led to another, BOOM. The Corporate Wars began!
Zaar: ANNNNND… the wars ended almost a year ago, a few months after it began in fact. Supposedly, Stan Tartarus slew Rakata Dockuma during the Battle of Neeyala, and ever since then shizno has been the subject of gross wet dreams of hormonally challenged female teens and pre-teens.
Lisa: (Confused.) Uh?… what does this have to do with anything?
Zaar: (Confused.) Eh? Oh, sorry my mind wandered.
Seth: I simply told you what you asked of me.
Zaar: Besides, if it satisfy your curiosity… its Seraph that's fallen into shadow.
Lisa: (She looks visibly surprised.) What! She looked fine the last time I saw her!
Zaar: Yes, but that was during The Massacre of Ashla. Apparently during the battle she was replaced by a Plasmoid, and shortly after everyone actually discovered that she was a Plasmoid I sensed Seraph and her unborn children screaming loudly for about a minute, and then she went silent.
Lisa: Oh my… (She just realizes that Zaar said "unborn children.") Wait. Did you say that Seraph was pregnant?
Zaar: (Sigh.) Yes. She made me swear not to tell anyone after I found out… about two or so weeks after conception I think.
Lisa: (Inquisitively.) Were you the?
Zaar: What? (He realizes that she was asking if he was the father.) NO! No never! I'm not some Xenosexual! Ey-Wa, that's a definite yes, besides inter-species relationships almost never end well. Look, for the sake of stagnating your curiosity, Daavas Majic was the father.
Seth: (He sounds frustrated with Zaar and Lisa's conversation.) I do not care about the sexuality, or fate of a dead Bloodskin! Or for that matter how this turved war started in the first place! (He leaves for the bridge.) I'm going to get Andúril off his hide, and get this operation underway.
Lisa: (She tries to reach for him.) Seth! Wait!
Zaar: (He stops her.) Leave him, if he wishes to become the instrument of his doom. Then let him.
Lisa: But I love him!
Zaar: I know. I can sense it in you. But Seth's anger is consuming his mind. Whatever happens on Kobra Minor will be on his terms. What's worse, I also sense that whatever will break him out his madness, will also break him. (Lisa is trying to suppress tears.) But if he survives, he will become stronger for it. His actions will haunt him for the rest of his life, but he will be a Paragon of Trust, Strength, and Loyalty.
Lisa: Why would you care?
Zaar: What can I say? Over the past few weeks I've come to admire your species, as impossible as that may sound. Or at the very least, The Amidalan and Homo-Prime broods.
Lisa: I see. But what do you have against The Koprulicans?
Zaar: Let me put it too you simply, your people along with The Amidalans. Were at least brave enough to muster your own citizens to fight. The Koprulicans on the other hand, have been breeding those Clone Marines for the sole purpose of fighting and dying, more often than not, deaths in vain.
(Commander Crichton enters the room.)
Crichton: (Sighs.) Your still going on about this aren't you?
Zaar: As often as I can. The sooner you accept that you and your Sky-Mish Abel'ashan's are basically a slaves of The AOKA, the sooner I'll stop slandering your Abel'ashan's deaths.
Crichton: Believe me I accepted that sometime ago. But I just wanted you to know that
Seth Elysium has pretty much hijacked this ship. And set a course for Kobra Minor, ahead of the rest of the fleet.
Zaar: (In disbelief.) Really? Then does this ship not rock? (The ship begins to rock violently, dignaling that the ship has gone into Q-space.) Never mind!
Lisa: What the! This is crazy! Doesn't he know that the Serp'feratu on that planet would have advanced planetary defenses?
Zaar: Perhaps. But the worst thing that comes into my mind on the subject is that he doesn't care about the defenses, he's more interested in getting his mother back. Rather than making sure that anyone survives.
Lisa: (The ships rocks violently again.) What was that?
Zaar: That was the ship exiting Q-space. (There is an explosion. Alarms begin blaring all over the ship.) And that was the ship, undoubtedly being shot by planetary based artillery.
Voice over PR system: ATTENTION! ATTENTION! THE ENGINES HAVE BEEN DESTROYED BY PLANET BASED WEOPONRY! PREPARE FOR DECENT!
Zaar: And were going to crash into the planet's surface. (A porthole outside reveals that the ship has caught fire.) Your boyfriend is not only a reckless blood letter but also a really bad pilot.
Crichton: I'll go up to the bridge! Try to stabilize the landing!
Zaar: While you go up and remind everyone to fasten their seatbelts. I'm going to go and actually do something that will INCREASE our chances of survival.
Lisa: What'll that be? (Zaar jumps out of a nearby air lock.) Oh! You do that! But what'll you do?
Zaar: You'll know! (Zaar uses the Essence to zoom past the falling wreckage of The Grim Resolve-CKM. He lands right as the ships is about to fall bow first into a plateau. Zaar uses the Essence to slow down the ships decent, causing it to land flat on its hull. Zaar calls Andúril on his communicator.) Master, I have stabilized the landing of The Grim Resolve. Are you alright? It looks like the ship took a massive beating.
Andúril: (He sounds really beat up.) Ow. I have at least a ruptured pancreas, but aside from my pride nothings wounded.
Zaar: Yes considering the fact that you were overpowered by a thirteen year old Amidalan. I'd say that your pride would have been horribly injured and bleeding.
Andúril: (Sighs.) Look just get ready, I'll try to send a distress signal.
Zaar: Wouldn't the fleet wonder why we left AHEAD of schedule? So wouldn't they come anyway?
Andúril: (He's trying to make up an excuse to continue talking.) Eh?… Well could you just destroy the artillery guns that shot us down in the first place? It's the least that can be done in order to make sure that this mission goes by smoothly.
Zaar: (Disappointed.) Again? And I'm not saying that out of arrogant sarcasm. I'm saying that because I'm growing weary of having to do all the hard work. Remember Terra Shola? When Daavas grew reluctant of setting off the charges on the WOK base? I had to destroy the whole thing myself!
Andúril: (Confused.) What? What does Terra Shola have to do with anything?
Zaar: Never mind. (Seth bursts out of the ships bridge.) Seth might get those guns instead. Either that or he's going straight on to the base. Better I just take care of the guns anyway, over and out. (He turns off his communicator.)
(Lisa flies out of the wreck carrying Commander Crichton.)
Lisa: I can't believe Seth would do something this reckless. I mean my brother has done enough rash things to make a biography about him. But driving a capital ship into a kill zone is something even Bart hasn't tried yet.
Zaar: (Grunts.) I wouldn't be surprised if he would try something that crazy. But we must take out the artillery guns. it's the only way reinforcements can reach us safely.
Lisa: Well what about Seth?
Crichton: I don't know about you. But I think he'll be providing a very effective distraction.
Zaar: (There is a loud explosion in the distance.) As much as I hate to say it, he's off to a good start.
(Meanwhile on Earth, Bart and Knara are inside of crudely made cages made of large bones. The two of them regain consciousness.)
Bart: (He is really groggy.) Where?… where are we?
Knara: (She struggles to stay awake.) I'm not certain. But I can't help but suppress the feeling to hate you A LOT! You knew about this didn't you?
Bart: What? No! I mean what were the odds that Witches were hiding in The Russian wilderness? I mean it's so cold.
(An elderly woman in heavy robes approaches the cells.)
Elderly Women: (She has a very deep echo to her voice.) You'd think so, but it's surprising how warm a cave can be. (She glares over at Knara.) I also see that you have brought the sacrifice that we need.
Knara: WHAT!
Elderly Women: Don't worry my dear. Bart didn't bring you here on my account. In fact he brought you here on your account. He was upset that you gave up on finding Madrid, so he contacted a reliant source that told him that she was.
Bart: Let me guess how you knew that? Mind reading? Or did you read my personal journal?
Knara: (Confused.) You have a journal?
Bart: (Sheepishly.) Yeah, it was something Mom gave me awhile back. About a few days after that whole Chrono-Sphere thing actually, I wasn't planning on writing anything in it at first. But then things got really interesting, you know adopting Seraph? Meeting you and so on?
Elderly Women: (She pulls out a futuristic journal.) I must admit. Despite its grammar, spelling errors, and the fact that it's format is that of an under narrated script. It's quite an enticing read. Besides, from this a Somite agent told me of your coming. I believe you've met her before.
Bart: (In complete and utter surprise.) Mary-Sue told you? Doesn't anyone stay dead anymore? (Mary-Sue enters the scene with a demented smile on her face.) That's right sweat thing I'm talking to you!
Mary-Sue: (She laughs maniacally.) Surprised to see me again?
Bart: A little. But that's only because I never fixed you as the too stubborn to die type.
Mary-Sue: No matter, we shall take Knara to be sacrificed to The Blood Portal that I smuggled over here over the past month.
Knara: (She looks earnestly surprised.) So the legends about those things were true.
Bart: (He tries to sound like he knows what a Blood Portal is.) Yeah I didn't think that those things were real either.
Knara: You only heard of those things just a few seconds ago.
Bart: Exactly! What are those things?
Elderly Women: In ancient times, they were used by the Telkines to travel vast distances across their homeworld. During The Age of Dawn they were all but destroyed. But the art for creating them wasn't. After millennia of experimenting they have been adapted for interplanetary travel.
Bart: Oh… but why are you telling us this? Plus why do you need Knara?
Elderly Women: It's actually very simple. First we need Essence rich blood in order to power the portal properly. If ordinary blood were to be used then it would only work as a two-way communication device.
Knara: (She is panting heavily.) What does any of this have to do with my mother?
Elderly Women: Ah, young Madrid. I still remember when she came to me, and when we had to give you up to The Fellowship for our clans safety.
Mary-Sue: (She rudely interrupts The Cult Leader.) Enough! This chatter is irrelevant! Jurik'cal, we either get the operation underway today or never!
Jurik'cal: (She storms off.) Honestly why do I even have to put up with you? Why couldn't Suez send someone else?
Mary-Sue: (She has a psychotic look on her face.) So… we meet again. Why are you so obsessed with delaying the inevitable? (She tilts her head to the left.) We only want what's best for the universe.
Bart: (Doubtfully.) Yeah, I still don't see how killing all non-human life in existence, working in liege with an alien cult, you getting knocked up in a gross attempt to make humanity universally powerful, and sacrificing my girlfriend to get some ancient inter-dimensional portal to work could possibly benefit humanity! Believe me I never thought I'd ever say any of that out loud, and not think I was crazy.
Knara: Not only that. But I still want to know where my mother is!
Mary-Sue: (Mockingly.) Ah… wittle Knawa what's her mommy. (She mocking sucks her thumb.)
Knara: (She Essence shocks Mary-Sue in order to stop her from doing this embarrassingly immature taunting.) First of all, the only reason I've been looking for her in the first place. Was so that I could learn the truth about myself, and second, at least I have a mother, at least I'm a real human of flesh and blood. (Mary-Sue has a mortified look on her face.)
You? You say you're the next step in human evolution. At the least that's a half-truth, but let's face it. But you'll never know what it means to feel love.
Mary-Sue: (She looks visibly angry.) Not the least of which you!
Knara: No fooling. But what's to say your own family loves you?
Mary-Sue: (She looks confused.) What?
Knara: That's right. Who's to say if the rest of The Snaipmyloians, actually care about you. What if the only reason they created you, was so that they could rule humanity undisputedly, through you. (Mary-Sue has an uncertain look on her face.) That's right, your own creators see you as nothing but a means to an end!
Mary-Sue: (Her crazed look returns to her face.) You know Bart… I don't like your girlfriend!
Bart: (He groans.) Don't even think about singing!
Knara: (She does an Essence Repulse.) Enough! (Knara Essence pulls a seemingly random Blood Witch towards her. She then snaps her neck, and takes her two blades.) I will not toy with you anymore. Since your obviously not listening. I'm only going to ask this one last time. Were. Is. Madrid?
Mary-Sue: (She's trying to come up with an answer.) Um… Spain?
Bart: (Bart face palms himself.) Remind me again, how did she weasel her way into our lives?
Knara: (She jams one of her blades into Mary-Sue's chest.) Frankly I'm just interested in learning the truth. Anything else is secondary.
Mart-Sue: (Her chest is sparking.) I thought you had given up?
Knara: (Stoically.) No… (Knara Essence Pushes Mary-Sue through several walls.) I was just thinking about taking a break. (She notices her Shock Scythe on a wall.) Now why didn't I notice that was there before? (Knara Essence pulls it towards her. And she gives her extra blade to Bart.)
Bart: Hmm… must have been distracted from playing mind games with The Tin-Girl.
Knara: Makes sense. Now, let us turn the stones of this cave red with blood!
Bart: Do we have to? I mean it makes more sense if we just leave.
Knara: Perhaps, but I doubt that Jurik'cals minions would allow us to leave here alive.
Besides, while we are here we might as well see as to what to whether or not there is a Blood Portal down here.
Bart: Makes sense, besides if there's a chance that they be using such a thing for an invasion of Earth we might as well stop it before it happens.
Knara: Don't see how that can be possible. But I won't gamble fate with cannibalistic zealots.
(Else ware, in the cave. Mary-Sue crashes through, maybe the 31st, 32nd wall in the lair. Incidentally Jurik'cal is in the last room that she lands in.)
Jurik'cal: (She is communicating via hologram with a man that looks like Eliphas from Warhammer 40,000: Dawn of War: The Dark Crusade.) Are all of the preparations underway on Kobra Minor, Rakata Cronus?
Cronus: Yes Sister Jurik'cal, a Confederate Goliath entered the system, but I think we shot it down before it could send a distress signal.
Jurik'cal: Excellent, (She notices Mary-Sue picking rubble out of her cloths.) what the? Let me guess. You taunted young Knara into escaping from her cell didn't you?
Mary-Sue: (Franticly.) Does it matter? We have to proceed with the ritual! Cronus do you have the Amidalan Prime Minister?
Cronus: Yes,… but that flamboyant idiot Augustus won't tell me where he hid her. He keeps saying that he has something 'special' planned for her, something about her son, turning her into a Blood Ghoul, and irony. I hate it when my own minions play around with my mind!
Mary-Sue: Then find her!
Cronus: Silence Automaton! You may have gotten Jurik'cals end of The Blood Portal to Earth, but that does not grant you command over either of us!
Jurik'cal: I agree, our two factions may have been allies during The War. But that does not give you the right to order us around like common acolytes, besides, baring all incidents. Cronus's Serp'feratu forces committing Guerilla warfare on Earth will be proceeding ahead of your master's time-table. In the meantime, YOU will stop Knara's rampage.
Mary-Sue: Rampage? What rampage? (There is a very loud explosion that rattles the cave.)
Jurik'cal: (Nonchalantly.) That rampage. (She reaches over to a cage, and pulls out a woman that looks around her late thirties.) Now if you'll excuse me, I have to prepare Madrid for the ritual.
Madrid: (She has a smug look on her face.) Not if my daughter gets to you first.
Jurik'cal: (Sighs.) Defiant as all ways, now I remember why I let you live for so long.
(Meanwhile on Kobra Minor. Lisa, Zaar, and Commander Crichton are sneaking around giant artillery cannons.)
Lisa: (In awe.) Look at the size of those things! I'm amazed the ship survived a barrage from that.
Zaar: It isn't that impressive. Those are obviously planetary based gun. If they were designed to destroy ships in high orbit The Grim Resolve would have been destroyed completely.
Lisa: That's another thing, how did the ship fall so fast into the planet?
Crichton: I'm not expert at physics. But I'd say gravity.
Lisa: (Sighs.) Never mind, let's destroy those things and get on to finding Seth and Juno.
Zaar: Now you're talkin' my language Nun'ashan! (He draws his Light Blades, and goes on to slaughter random Serp'feratus' at the artillery guns.)
Crichton: (He groans out loud.) I hate it when he does this! He never lets me kill anything!
Lisa: Is he always like this? Besides what's taking Andúril and the rest of his forces so long?
Crichton: I'm not really sure, (A beheaded Serp'feratu corpse lands right behind him.) frankly I don't know why I'm not helping him! For the most part, Colonel Hogan is normally Zaar's second in command. (The Cannons explode loudly drowning him out.) But I know my orders, even if I personally hate them. You know what I mean right?
Lisa: (She pretends to hear what Crichton said over the explosion.) I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU!
Zaar: (He lands neatly behind them.) Okay, now that the cannons have been taken care, (More Confederate ships enter the planets orbit.) ah look. The reinforcements have arrived. (All of a sudden, hundreds of Fellowship Cruisers darken the sky.) Along with… The Fleet of The Martyrs Dirge? (He contacts Andúril.) Master Thel? Do you know that your Brood Mates fleet has just entered Kobra Minors orbit?
Andúril: (He sounds surprised.) Aon is here? That can only mean one thing. Aiur, has ordered an Imperial Exterminatus of this world.
Lisa: (Confused.) An Exterminatus, what's that?
Zaar: (He has a somber look on his face.) The long and short of it, this has pretty much been sanctioned by The Twilight Emperor himself to be cleansed, doubtlessly due to the Serp'feratu on this world.
Lisa: (In utter shock.) WHAT! I thought The Fellowship was against destroying planets!
Zaar: Oh don't worry; the worst that will happen is that Aon's warriors will get carried away with the slaughter. (He sounds uncertain.) But then again, if they find any Blood Relics, this rock is as good as… well a rock, a big lifeless rock in the void.
Lisa: (Franticly.) Then we have to get to The Serp'feratu base quickly! Before it's too late!
(She grabs Zaar and Crichton by the arms, and she flies away with them in tow.)
Crichton: (He's screaming at the top of his longs.) AH! PUT ME DOWN YOU TURVED LIZARD QUEEN!
Zaar: (He is picking something out of his ear.) Will you stop shouting? Were just going to fly into the base, take everyone out. Find Prime Minister Elysium and her son, and get out before this world is purged. What could possibly go wrong?