I don't own Glee.
Chapter 26
QPOV
I blearily opened my eyes and looked at the clock. "3:40" Ugh, why do I wake up in the middle of the night like this? It's happened before, but usually only when something really big is bothering me and my mind tells me to figure it out at 4 in the morning.
I stared up at the sea of black where the ceiling should have been, and let thoughts take over my mind.
My insides had grown increasingly troubled over the past few days, almost as if I knew I had missed out on something. You know that feeling that you get when you set out on a huge trip and think you've forgotten something, but don't know what it is? I have that feeling.
Or there's also the feeling where you know you're about to do something that will make you seem like a real shitface later on down the line, but it doesn't seem that bad right now, or you have no idea what it is that you're gonna do. I have that feeling too.
Life has just been really confusing lately. Well, maybe life isn't what's confusing. I don't know, it's just that everybody around me seems to know something that I don't, and I can't figure out what. And it's bugging the crap out of me.
Plus I've been doing things or saying things that I don't really have control over, or that I can't explain. Like how territorial I got when Nicole and Rachel were around each other; it was like I was… jealous or something. Which I'm not. Right?
I looked down at Rachel sleeping as the moonlight hits the side of her face. She is so, so very beautiful…
See?! I can't go around thinking things like that! But I do, all the time! And I have no idea what that means. No, actually, scratch that. I know what it means, but I don't want to look any further into what it means. But I do need to.
I took a deep breath and steeled myself. My left hand twitched twice. My breath got stuck in my throat.
But I have to tell myself the truth.
I… think that I… might… possibly… haveacrushonRachel. Maybe.
It would be the only explanation for why I act the way I do. And then there was that errant thought last weekend that basically went something like, "hmm, I think I'm gay for Rachel Berry" but of course I wouldn't believe that it could be true… I still kind of don't. But then again, I kind of do.
But I can't like Rachel! That's not okay! She's a girl for one thing, and then for another, she's…
… Amazing, beautiful, talented, smart, funny, hyper, adorable…
…uh… yeah, she's a girl.
And I'm not supposed to- no, I'm not allowed to like girls!
I. Am. Not. Allowed. To. Like. Girls. At all!
Why?
Oh. Erm. Well, that's a good question. I guess because… my family?
But then again I don't even live with my mom anymore.
Because Lima is a conservative town full of highly judgmental and mostly Christian homophobes?
That never stopped Santana and Brittany, though. And Kurt came out anyway. Plus, Rachel's dads seem pretty happy.
Okay, well, do I have a personal prejudice against gay people?
No, that can't be true, seeing as my two best friends are gay, my other… uh… friend is bi, and then pretty much my two closest guy friends are either gay or will jump anything hot. And I don't think any less of them.
So then do I have a personal prejudice against being gay?
You know, come to think about it, I don't really know. I mean, I would hear in church how it is a sin for a man to lie with another man, or a woman to lie with another woman, like they should with the opposite sex, but I never really paid attention to it. I never really thought it would apply to me, and also I didn't think it was very fair to say that who these people were was a sin. But I also never thought that who I am would be attracted to girls.
Well, I don't know, am I?
I've had a few boyfriends, but did I ever actually have feelings for them?
Well, there was Finn. But he's a douchebag, and I only ever kept him around for the popularity.
There was Puck, but pretty much he was just like a best friend. Also he got me pregnant, so I kind of had to stick around.
I didn't really even like either of them; and if I did, it was definitely not for very long. I've never really had those crushes on guys that most girls will gossip about, either. If anyone asked me who I had a crush on, I would just say one of the jocks or popular boys. I never actually cared or found them attractive.
So, now that we got the fact that I probably don't like boys out of the way, do I like girls?
I hate all this thinking, especially at 4 in the freaking morning. Then again, 4 in the morning might be the only time that I'm not being defensive. Defensive towards myself… huh…
But whatever. Moving on. Do I like girls?
Well, there was that party in the summer before sophomore year… Santana mentions it jokingly, but it probably did actually mean something, even though I don't remember half of what happened.
The party was two weeks before summer ended, and the two major high schools in the area were invited: Carmel and McKinley. I don't even remember whose party it was. I was drunk, like, really drunk; and it was my first time being in such an inebriated state.
Puck – of course – had suggested Spin the Bottle as the party was winding down, so a group of us grabbed an empty beer bottle and went to sit in another room. Everything up to my turn passed as a blur, with random whoops and cheers and laughter and more and more alcohol. The next thing I know, the bottle has left my hand and is spinning, spinning, spinning, and comes to a stop in front of a rising junior girl from Carmel. She had straight, dark brown hair that was cut to a tapered point at about the bottom of her chin, and equally dark brown eyes framed with long lashes that could draw a boy over from across the room. She had on a slinky black top that hugged her body and skin-tight jeans, which made her legs seem to go on forever. All in all, she was really hot. Not that I noticed or anything. Right?
My brain was obviously not functioning at top level at this point, so when the girl grinned at me in an almost predatory way, I merely shrugged and sat up on my knees, leaning across the circle. Our lips, surprisingly, did not meet in a drunken haze, but rather met somewhat delicately. After a few moments, our lips started to move against each other, and hands grasped for hair. We only broke away as one of the older boys from Carmel gave a crass comment, and my brain stirred a bit from its alcohol-caused daze. I registered that I had just kissed a girl, but there was also the "logical" part of me that got me convinced that it was only because we were playing a game, and that it was completely normal.
Until last Friday, that kiss was the best I've ever had, if only for the fact that it was nothing like the kisses I've had from guys. Girls are… softer, in many different ways. Personality-wise, physically too, and just in general, they aren't as sloppy and rough as boys are. But I had blocked out that part of my memory, and, other than the hangover the next morning, that party was suppressed from that day forward.
I started trembling as I forced myself to think through the emotions tied to that night.
I didn't feel repulsed that night. I didn't feel horrified. It didn't feel wrong. Everything seemed like… like it fell into place. Like this is what life was supposed to be like. And I had hated myself every day since then for smothering that, for telling myself that it doesn't work that way.
For doing the same thing last Friday.
My head shook from side to side, and I felt as if stakes were being driven in from my ears into my brain. A couple tears leaked out of the corners of my tightly shut eyes. It felt similar to how an exorcism looks.
A cool hand slipped around my waist and toyed with the bottom of my shirt. Soothing fingers occasionally brushed against my hipbone. Rachel scooted closer to me, sleepily mumbling incoherent words in my ear.
"You okay?" She asked after a minute or two. I nodded, having calmed down and as the turmoil in my mind had come to a rest. Rachel nodded and her breathing soon evened out again, her fingers coming to rest on my hipbone and causing tingles to shoot through my skin.
Oh my God. I'm gay, aren't I?
And I have a crush on Rachel?
I stepped out of the car and walked quickly into the school, heading straight for the auditorium. Hopefully the bags under my eyes weren't very noticeable, even though there weren't many people at the school yet. I was here even earlier than when the Glee Club was supposed to be meeting.
I hadn't fallen asleep until 5 in the morning, as I was thinking and mulling over my current situation. Finally I had decided that it was no good for me to be doing all the thinking by myself; I could convince myself of anything if I had the time and effort. I needed someone who understood me.
I sat on the edge of the stage, tapping my foot on the seat facing me in the front row. My eyes flitted around rapidly and at random, as if I expected someone to be watching me. The door to the auditorium opened and I jumped, slipping off the stage so that my feet hit the floor with a thud. A tall blonde gently closed the auditorium door and walked towards me with a dancer's grace. Her disposition instantly calmed me, and I resumed my seated position. She hopped up to sit on the stage next to me, looking at me with a calm but concerned expression.
"So what's up? What did you need to talk about?"
I turned slightly, seeing my friend's bright blue eyes shine with warmth. Part of me still wanted to stay in denial. Denial was safe, comfortable. But it was killing me on the inside.
"Britt," I paused for a moment and sighed, drawing in a shaky breath, "I- I think that… I think I like girls," I finally said, trying not to break down at my verbal admission. It's one thing to say it in my head; it's something completely different to say it out loud. If I say it out loud, it makes it true. Of course, that insinuates that if I say it in my head it might not be true, but that's beside the point.
Brittany studied my face, looking over my possible reactions and the emotions that I was hiding. After a few moments she reached over and enveloped me in a hug, pulling me close to her body and rubbing circles on my back. I tried not to cry. I really did try. But resistance was futile, and I sobbed into my best friend's shoulder.
"It'll be okay, Quinn. You are very strong to admit that. Very strong," She said in a gentle, lilting voice. "Everything will be fine, you'll see."
I sniffled a few times and pulled away from her comforting grip, wiping my eyes on the back of my hand.
"I don't know what to do, B."
Brittany looked at me with sympathy. She shook her head and rubbed the back of her neck.
"What do you want to do?" This caused me to laugh and shake my head as well.
"What do I want? Wow, I… I want to run and hide, I want to cover this up and pretend that I never figured this out. But I just validated it, and I can't take that back!"
"Is there anything that maybe led to you figuring 'this' out?"
"N-" I need to be real. For once in my life, I need to be real. "-well, kind of." I wouldn't say anything else, so Brittany gave me a small, encouraging smile.
"Care to share?" She asked softly.
"R- Rachel," I muttered. My blonde friend didn't seem to have heard me, as she looked confused.
"I didn't hear you; what was that?"
"Rachel," I replied in a stronger voice. Brittany's entire demeanor changed in an instant. She grinned and clapped her hands together, squealing in the process.
"Yay! You finally figured it out!"
"Wh- what are you talking about?" I asked, confused.
"All this time, it's been so obvious to San and me, and probably to other people too, that you and Rachel totally like each other! And now you figured it out! Now you two can be all happy and stuff and grow up and have tons of babies that are all cute and adorable and stuff-"
"No, Britt, stop!"
She looked at me, wide-eyed and puzzled.
"What's wrong?" She asked.
"I'm not ready to think about… stuff like that."
"But why?"
That's actually a really good question. Why? Why can't I suddenly embrace who I am – because this is who I am – and move on to living like I want to?
"I'm afraid."
"Oh," Brittany now became empathetic. "I get that you're scared. I was scared too. And after a bit the fear starts to go away. But until then, you can't just go around hiding who you are because it's scary, or you'll start dying inside. That's what happened to Santana."
"I know, I know that I can't do that, but I'm not there yet. I'm not at the point where I can be nonchalant." I closed my eyes, working up the nerve to say what I needed to. "I just figured out this morning that I'm… that I'm a lesbian…"
Brittany pulled me in for a sideways, one-armed hug. She laid her head on my shoulder, and I smiled weakly at the comforting gesture.
"Yeah, I get it. Accepting your sexuality is definitely not a one day process. Jeez, it took me months, and it took Kurt years. So take the time you need, okay? And just know that I'm here if you need to talk. ¿Comprendes?"
I nodded, sniffling again.
"You wanna sing about it?" Brittany asked, half-joking. I laughed, but thought about it seriously. Jeez, look at what happened the last time I didn't take Brittany seriously. I got a creepy voice in my head telling me what to do…
"You know what, I think I will. And I have the perfect song." A smile crept onto my face as I said the words, already thinking about my upcoming performance. I know people make fun of us for singing all the time, but it seriously gets all sorts of emotions out. It works better than punching walls. Believe me; been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
Brittany clapped me on the shoulder and hopped off the stage. She dusted off her backside and gave her Cheerio's skirt an experimental swish. I landed on my feet beside her, running a hand through my hair. I am so glad I got rid of the length; it feels great short.
I walked out of the auditorium and headed to the choir room. I actually didn't mind these morning-rehearsals that much. Pretty much all of my friends were in Glee club, so it's just more time to hang out with them.
I slid into a chair in the back, and was joined after a few minutes by Rachel. Her hand slipped into mine automatically, and I smiled at the warmth that spread throughout my body. My head dropped onto her shoulder, and we watched the few remaining groggy Glee clubbers shuffle in.
Relatively promptly, Mr. Schue walked into the room.
"So who's worked on the assignment?"
I raised my hand, as did Rachel and Sam. I furrowed my brow in confusion, as they looked at each other as if in agreement about something.
"Wow! Okay, let's have Quinn go first, and then Rachel you can go, and then-"
"Actually, Mr. Schuester," Rachel cut off the teacher, "Sam and I are performing a song together."
"That's great! Quinn, go ahead, and then we'll have Rachel and Sam perform."
I nodded and stood up, shaking off the bit of nerves I felt. When I reached the middle of the room, I grabbed a stool from near the piano (whispering the name of my song in Brad's ear as I did so) and dragged it forward, sitting and facing my "audience." I nodded towards the piano, and he played the first few chords. I drew a shaky breath and looked up directly at Rachel.
Hey, slow it down
Whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?
Yeah, I'm afraid
Whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?
There might've been a time when I would give myself away
Oh, once upon a time, I didn't give a damn
But now, here we are
So whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?
The piano's rhythm picked up, and tears pricked at the corner of my eyes.
Just don't give up
I'm working it out
Please don't give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe
Just keep calling around
Whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?
Yeah, it's plain to see
That baby you're beautiful
And there's nothing wrong with you
It's me, I'm a freak
But thanks for loving me
'Cause you're doing it perfectly
Yeah there might've been a time when I would let you slip away
I wouldn't even try but I think you could save my life
Just don't give up
I'm working it out
Please don't give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around, hey
Whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?
I won't let you down
No, I won't let you down
Just don't give up
I'm working it out
Please don't give in
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around, hey
Whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?
I finished with one last wavering note, and looked down, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. The applause barely registered, and I mechanically put back the stool and walked to my seat. Rachel gave my arm a comforting squeeze and stood up, along with Sam.
When would they have had time to practice for this? And since when do Sam and Rachel interact anyways?
The two stood in the center of the room and looked kind of nervous. Sam nodded towards the band, and they started playing. Soon, Rachel's glorious voice filled the room, but it was accompanied with barely restrained anger.
I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?
Yeah I, I know it's hard to remember
The people we used to be
It's even harder to picture
That you're not here next to me
You say it's too late to make it
But is it too late to try?
And in the time that you wasted
All of our bridges burned down
I wasted my nights
You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralyzed still stuck in that time
When we called it love
But even the sun
Sets in paradise
Rachel and Sam's voices joined for the chorus, and I have to admit that they sounded really good together.
I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?
If happy ever after did exist
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
One more fricking love song I'll be sick
It returned to only Rachel singing, and I was pretty sure I knew whom she was singing to. I was proud of her for it.
You turn your back on tomorrow
'Cause you forgot yesterday
I gave you my love to borrow
But you just gave it away
You can't expect me to be fine
I don't expect you to care
I know I said it before but
All of our bridges burned down
I wasted my nights
You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralyzed still stuck in that time
When we called it love
But even the sun
Sets in paradise
I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?
If happy ever after did exist
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
One more fricking love song I'll be sick
Now I'm at a payphone
Rachel backed away, and Sam stood in front, rapping as most of the Glee club clapped and chuckled.
Man, what's that shit
I'll be out spending all this money
While you're sittin' around wondering
Why it wasn't you came up from nothing
Made it from the bottom
Now when you see me I'm stuntin'
And all across 'em with the push of a button
Telling me our chances are blew up or whatever you call it
Switch the number to my phone so you never could call it
Don't need my name on my shirt, you can tell that I'm ballin'
Swish, what a shame coulda got picked
Had a really good game but you missed your last shot
So you talking 'bout who you see at the top
Or what you coulda saw, but sad to say it's over for
Phantom pulled up valet open doors
Wished I would go away, got what you was looking for
Now it's me who they want so you can go
And take that little piece of shit with you
I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?
If happy ever after did exist
I would still be holding you like this
All these fairy tales are full of shit
One more fricking love song I'll be sick
Now I'm at a payphone…
The two grasped hands and bowed as we clapped and hooted. Theirs was a really powerful performance, and I know it meant a lot to Rachel. There was an underlying sense of catharsis in the room; everyone could feel it.
"Both of those performances were amazing! You guys really captured the meaning of the assignment, so great job. Everyone else," Mr. Schue said, turning to the group, "I can't wait to hear what you have. Remember, you can do as many songs as you would like; it's just more practice for Nationals. Keep in mind: regret and commitment! All right, have a good day, I'll see y'all tomorrow morning."
People shuffled to their feet and started making their way to class right as the 5-minute warning bell rang.
I stopped to tie the shoe of my Converse, telling Rachel to go ahead and I would catch up. Once I got the shoe-string situation under control, I walked out of the choir room towards the direction I was pretty sure Rachel would go. I stopped stock-still when I saw her face turn red at the girl standing in front of her.
"No! You listen! You apologized; you made your peace, now leave me the hell alone, Nicole! I don't want you talking to me, trying to be around me, and by God, if you try to kiss me again I will hit you so damn hard your grandchildren will feel it!"
"B-but I thought," The freckled girl stammered, "I thought you wanted to try ag-"
"No, I don't want to try again. You had your shot, and you blew it, and I was just getting over you when you showed up. So why don't you go hang out with the 500 other people at this school, and STAY AWAY from me!"
"Wh- wait… so you don't like me anymore?"
Rachel groaned, stamped her foot, and rolled her eyes towards the ceiling as if asking for patience; which she seemed to have lost anyway.
"No, I don't. Unfortunately I have no chance with the person that I do have an interest in, but believe me, you are not them. Face it; you're not going to be the center of my universe ever again, okay? Maybe you should've thought of this before you went and cheated on me – but that's ancient history. I know you thought you could come back and be the knight in shining armor again, but that's not how it works. So it was great to see you, but I don't want to play this game anymore. Goodbye." And with that my diva turned and walked back towards me, grabbing my hand and pulling me down the hallway.
"We're going the wrong way," I said after we had gone a ways. Rachel shook her head and kept pulling me towards the doors.
"We're not going to class," she said. "We're coming back before second period."
THE Rachel Berry skipping class? Wow, what I saw just now must have been more serious than I thought it was. I drew a box in my mind around my gay panic problems, and stuck them in a corner of my psyche. Rachel needed me right now.
"Where are we going?" I asked as Rachel started her car.
"The Lima Bean," she said in a short, clipped tone. The only other time I'd heard her use that type of voice was after I kissed her.
You didn't see that broken girl afterwards… It is scary and I hope that you will never see it, although that is really a futile hope.
Santana's words reverberated around my head, and my fear grew.
After a few short minutes Rachel pulled into a parking space outside the local coffee shop and got out of the car without a word. I got out as well and followed her cautiously. As the brunette walked up to the barista, I found a two-person table in a quiet corner, away from the few people in the shop. Rachel eventually came to sit across from me, putting her elbows on the table and holding her forehead in her palms.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked gently. I didn't want to do something that would set her off, but I also knew that she couldn't internalize all of her emotions.
Rachel shook her head, keeping it in her hands, but drew a breath anyway in preparation to talk.
"I'm just… really tired, you know? I am so very, very tired of playing her game. It's this vicious cycle of cat-and-mouse chasing, and I- I'm through with it! I'm over and done with the emotional rollercoaster; but it's like, every time I try to move on, there's something dragging me back." Rachel choked a little on what sounded like tears.
I put on of my elbows on the table and rested my chin on the heel of my palm, leaning forward a bit. My other hand reached around underneath the table and gentle stroked her knee. I have no idea if this was calming like I intended, but Rachel seemed able to keep talking.
"It's been three years! And I was just getting over it, and moving on to allow myself to fall in love with other people, and then she just shows up out of the blue!" She stopped suddenly and looked up at me, basically emulating my chin-on-hand posture. "You know I would never have gone out with her again, right?"
"I was pretty sure, but... uh…" My thoughts scattered as I noticed how close our faces were. "I didn't… erm… know…" Barely inches away were those warm chocolate eyes, staring at me, waiting.
I've got nothing to stop me.
Slowly, I leaned forward, watching a slight uncertainty bloom in those same brown eyes. I paused, but started inching forward again after a few moments. I had no idea what this feeling was, but I just knew that I really, really wanted to kiss Rachel. A few more centimeters-
"Tall soy chai latte!" The barista's voice rang out and Rachel stood up rather hurriedly.
"Uh, that's mine, I should go get it," she mumbled and walked away quickly.
I groaned and leant back in my seat.
Stupid. Freaking. Cockblocker. Coffee.
But it would have been a mistake to kiss her now anyway. She's emotional and irrational, and she just screamed her head off at her ex-girlfriend, so she's definitely not in the right state of mind. And neither am I.
I looked up with a smile as Rachel walked back to the table, chai latte in hand. She sat down nervously, but I just grinned across as if nothing had happened.
"I was proud of you for singing that today by the way," I said to start back the conversation. The brunette looked up at me shyly through her eyelashes, making my heart flutter.
"Thanks. I thought it was going to be kind of a chore to convince Sam to sing it with me, but he ended up being all for the idea."
"How did you guys even practice anyway?" I asked in curiosity. Rachel shrugged.
"I had planned on doing that anyway, even before… yesterday. So Sam and I practiced at lunch yesterday and this morning before Glee. Plus, given our combined talent, it didn't take much practice before our performance." She smiled a little in her quiet victory as a singer.
"I don't know how you guys do it," I said, leaning back so that my seat balanced on its back two legs. "I know I wouldn't be able to stand being so freaking talented all the time. Instead," I sighed, "I choose to live the easy life of us untalented normal folk."
Rachel looked at me with a raised eyebrow, and I grinned.
"What?"
She sighed. "Believe me, you're not one of those untalented normal people."
"I used to be normal, you know," I said quite seriously.
"Oh really?" Rachel responded skeptically. "And what happened?"
"I met those losers," I said with no explanation.
"What losers?"
"The ones I now call my best friends."
We both grinned, until my phone buzzed, and I pulled it out to see a text from Santana.
Satan: if u r skipping u should get back soon. first period's abt to end, and it's hard to get back in w only a tardy if u miss transition from 1st to 2nd period
Me: k thx
Satan: tell the hobbs too for future reference
Me: u think there would be a future for referencing? i mean it's rach we're talking about :D
Satan: well there was a first time wasn't there?
Me: true, true
Satan: just get yo ass back here
Me: coming right up
"We should leave soon," I said, stowing my phone back in my pocket. "First period's about to end."
The brunette nodded and downed the rest of her coffee, standing and walking to the trashcan. I stood up as well, stretching my shoulders a bit. I held the door open for Rachel, and she walked out into the parking lot with a little spring in her step. The corners of my mouth twitched up at how easily this girl can bounce back.
We pulled into the school parking lot 5 minutes later, just as the bell marking the end of first period sounded. Rachel and I hopped out and quickly slipped in through the side entrance to the school, blending into the crowd.
"Who would ever think that Rachel Berry of all people would be skipping class?" I whispered in her ear as we walked towards my history class. She laughed a little, but replied promptly, accompanied by a smirk.
"The same person who thought that Quinn Fabray of all people would be skipping with her."
"Touché, touché," I said with a grin. She gave my hand a quick squeeze and walked away when we had reached the door, so I walked into my classroom with the same grin. It soon died, however, when I read the screen of my buzzing phone.
[RACHEL BERRY RUMORS CONFIRMED!]
[Lover's spat with a GIRL in the hallway!]
[JBI has all the facts, check interactive blog!]
[Pictures included!]
It was a mass text from Jacob Ben Israel to the entire school.
"Son of a bitch…" I muttered as millions of thoughts raced through my head. Quickly, my hand shot up, and the teacher appraised me with a skeptical look.
"Yes?"
"May I go to the restroom, ma'am?" I asked, using my sickly-sweet adult-charming voice. The teacher checked her watch and frowned.
"But class just started-"
"Please…" I whined, hitting myself repeatedly in my mind's eye for how pathetic I sounded.
"I suppose that's fine then." She said, but I had already left the classroom and was running down the hall. I knew exactly where he would be, seeing as all AV club members had a free period during second block.
I skidded around the corner and sprinted into the library's back entrance, avoiding the gaze of our ancient librarian. Tiptoeing, I made my way quietly to the computer section, seeing the familiar brown Jewfro poking up from the chair on the far end. My feet carried me silently behind him, and I saw that he was in the process of posting the story on his blog.
"Hello there, Jacob," I said in a low voice. He jumped and whirled around, eyes wide in fright.
"W-what do you want?" He asked in his annoying, squeaky voice. "I'm n-not afraid of you, y'know."
"Yeah, very convincing," I replied sarcastically. "So, here's the deal. You're not going to post that story, and you're going to write a formal apology in its place saying that this was all a big misunderstanding; or something very, very bad is going to happen to you."
Jacob pushed up his glasses, which had slipped down his nose in nervous sweat, and seemed to try and muster up courage, if that was possible.
"You don't have any standing at this school," He said somewhat-confidently. "You can't do anything to me."
"I don't need popularity on my side for this. Plus you're already at the bottom of the social pyramid. It wouldn't make a difference to you." I leaned in close to his face, which now started twitching. "This time, you wouldn't even know what hit you."
"Aah!" He whimpered and covered his face, spouting words. "Okay, fine, I won't post it, I won't post it!"
"And…?" I prompted.
"And I'll write an apology! I'll do anything! Just please don't hurt me!"
Satisfied, I stood up straight and smirked.
"Easy as pie," I said to myself, hoping that he didn't realize I was bluffing the entire time. Turning to the computer screen, I forced the sniveling boy's head towards the almost-finished gossip story. "Delete it."
"Done," he said after a few mouse clicks.
"Good. Now write what I'm about to say…"
SPOV
Rage filled my body, and my ears popped with my incoming anger. However, by the time my eyes had flicked across the screen a few times and my brain had registered the words, another text made my phone vibrate.
[COMPLETE MISUNDERSTANDING!]
[Rachel Berry story is false!]
[Full apology on interactive blog!]
[Sorry!]
I chuckled to myself, and the anger drained out of me.
Thank God for Quinn's skill at intimidation.
QPOV
"Thanks for that," a low voice said in my ear as I exited the door of my class. I grinned and stooped so that Rachel could sling an arm around my shoulders as we walked down the busy hall to lunch.
"Anytime. He was too easy to scare anyway."
"I bet. So, do you know what I was thinking?"
"Hmm… well, it's you, so it probably had something to do with either Glee or me," I said with a smirk. The brunette gasped in indignation.
"And just what are you insinuating by that?"
"Uh, which one? That you have no life, or that you're obsessed with me?" My smirk grew even wider as Rachel hit me in the arm in a huff.
"Either one," she mumbled. She stomped ahead a little, trying to do a walking storm off.
I ran up behind her and grabbed her hand, interlacing our fingers and bringing it up to brush my lips across her knuckles. Rachel blushed and shook her head a little, and I took this as a sign of defeat.
"So what were you thinking?" I asked casually, keeping our hands interlocked.
"I was thinking that we should do a number for Glee."
"Really?" I said with a groan. "But we both already performed this morning!"
"You heard Mr. Schuester; we must practice for Nationals! And he also said that we can perform as many times as we want for the Glee club – which almost never happens. Come on Quinn, we need to take advantage of this opportunity to further our ambitions in singing and performi-"
"Okay fine, we can do a number for Glee club." Sensing her victorious smirk, I added, "And don't look so smug with yourself. It was just to get you to stop talking."
"Oh…" She murmured, shoulders slumping and expression falling. Oh, shit, she took that to heart… I am an idiot. Once again.
"No, no, I didn't mean it that way! Rachel, I love listening to you talk," I pulled her to face me, "It's adorable."
"But you just said-"
"It doesn't matter what I just said. I was being stupid. I would never again say something like that and mean it with malice. I can promise you that."
"Promise?" She asked tentatively. I held out my pinky towards her.
"Pinky promise." This caused Rachel to grin and link her pinky with mine. I pulled her into a quick hug, but the football thugs chose that moment to walk past us in their usual crude manner.
"Hey Fabray! I didn't know Berry turned you into a lezbo too!"
I stood in shock for a few moments, before I stepped out into the middle of the hallway with hateful fire burning through my veins.
"Karofsky!" I yelled, causing the lumbering boy to turn towards me with a raised eyebrow. "You know, now that you brought it up, I can't quite remember the last time I saw you with a girl… Is there something you need to tell all of us?" I motioned to the crowd of still students around us, pressed against the lockers to avoid danger.
"Fuck you! Just because you associate with all of the gays doesn't mean the rest of us do too!" He said after a bit of spluttering.
"But it would be so very, very easy to convince everyone that you really do have something to hide. Would you like me to try?" I asked in a dangerously cocky voice.
"Whatever, leave me alone, bitch," He said, turning away and starting to walk down the hallway again.
"Oh, no, you don't get away that easily!" I ran up and grabbed him by the back of his letterman.
"What do you want with me?" Dave hissed in my face, his eyes panicky. "Who knows, maybe you really are gay! Can you look me straight in the eye and say that's not true?"
I stared at him, seeing not a tough-looking 17 year-old; but, instead, a scared little boy who was lashing out as best he could.
"And can you look me in the eye and say that you're not either?" I whispered carefully. His whole face morphed into confusion and fear, and his eyes grew wide.
"Then we understand each other?" I whispered again. Dave nodded rapidly and backpedalled down the hall. All the breath I had been holding in my lungs was expelled in one huge sigh. I leaned back against the lockers beside me, feeling exhausted.
That was a HUGE leap of faith to take, but I think it worked.
A hand slipped into mine, and I turned my head to see Rachel looking up at me with those gorgeous chocolate-brown eyes.
"What just happened?" She asked, voice laced with curiosity.
"Nothing," I said with a shake of my head, "we just came to a mutual understanding."
"You okay?" She asked, this time out of concern.
"I will be," I breathed, bouncing off the lockers and walking once more towards the cafeteria.
5 minutes later, when I was sitting with Santana and Brittany – Rachel was buying lunch – I was hit with a barrage of questions.
"Where were you guys this morning?"
"What was up with that gossip text about Rachel?"
"Is she okay?"
"Are you okay?"
"Did anything happen?"
"What did you do, Fabray?"
I held up my hands in a defensive position. "Guys, guys, guys, chill out! Here, I'll tell you the abbreviated version…"
And so, when Rachel arrived and sat down at the table, she was surprised by a very enthusiastic hug from Brittany.
"That sucks, Berry, I'm sorry," Santana said in the gentle voice she reserves for Britt and me.
"Ah," Rachel said, swallowing the grape she was chewing, "so she told you, did she?"
"Yeah…" I said sheepishly, rubbing the back of my neck. I suppose I could have waited for Rachel to tell her own story.
"You know, if it wasn't these two," she remarked, pointing in turn at Brittany and Santana with her fork, "I would be upset. But whatever." She shrugged and resumed eating.
"So can I slushy the girl now?" Santana asked after a few moments of silence.
"No," the rest of us chorused.
"Freaking killjoys…" She muttered sullenly.
"Fabray," my Latina friend whispered, grabbing my sleeve and holding me back as Brittany and Rachel walked out the doors of the cafeteria.
"What?" I asked snarkily, readjusting my shirt at the shoulder.
"We need to do a song for the Hobbit."
I groaned audibly.
"Seriously? Jeez, that's three performances this week, plus I was planning to do another one even before you all decided to perform so much," I muttered irritably. Well, Glee club, get ready for The Quinn Fabray Singing Experience. *insert annoying announcer voice here*
"Is that all?" I asked, trying to walk away.
"No, get back here," she said, grabbing my forearm this time.
"What now?"
Santana forced me to make eye contact with her.
"Are you okay?" She asked with sincerity. It panged me to my heart when Santana was like this. It reminded me that there is always an emotional side of a situation.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I shook my head, my mind suddenly drawn aware to the problem I had shoved in a corner all day.
"Wait," I said, my voice cracking, "did Brittany tell you?" I understood if she did, but it still kind of betrayed my trust.
"No," Santana said, chuckling and shaking her head. "I watched you during your performance this morning. I saw the look on your face. I know that look. Hell, I had that look for years at a time."
"So, you…" I paused, nervous. "… you know?"
"Nope," the Latina said, shaking her head again. "All I know is that you're hurting, and you hate yourself for it. Although I have a hunch…" She trailed off, and I picked up the silence.
"I think I'm gay."
"So you do…" She muttered, nodding her head sagely.
"Is that all you have to say?" I asked after a few moments of silence. Santana shrugged.
"Did you want me to say more?"
"Well, you're pretty much the only one who would know almost exactly what I'm going through. Do you have any wisdom to impart?" I said, and it came out more snidely than I had intended.
"Would you listen?"
I breathed a sigh, my shoulders sagged, and I relented.
"You're probably right. I- I think I just need to figure this out for myself right now. I'll probably ask for help soon."
"And so it is. Now," She said sprightly, looping her arm through mine, "let's go get our girlfriends."
"Santana…" I warned.
"What? Oh, come on, I never specified who was who! For all you know, I could have been implying that we were all just one big foursome or something," She said in her smug "I'm Santana Fucking Lopez and I can say whatever the hell I want to" voice. I rolled my eyes.
"Whatever."
"But you wouldn't even seriously consider it until now, so I still win!" She ended in a melodic trill and skipped forward to grab Britt around the waist. The blonde laughed and kicked her feet a little as the Latina spun her around. I slid against the locker until I was leaning beside Rachel, who was watching the two cheerleaders frolic in the fast-filling hallway.
"Okay you two, we get it, you're completely in love with each other," I quipped, before dropping my voice to a murmur. "You don't have to rub it in our faces…"
"It's fine, Quinn," Rachel said, her arms circling my waist and her chin resting on my shoulder, "It's cute."
I tried to ignore the light flutter of Rachel's breath against my collarbone – but failed – as my voice dropped to a murmur again.
"And so it is…"
A/N: Hey guys! I know it's been a while, I know. Sorry about that. I just went through the absolutely most fucked up 2-3 months of my life (that I can remember) plus I was out of the country for a while. Anyways, sorry about the LONG wait. This isn't as long of a chapter, but I thought this was a pretty good place to end this chapter. I'm sincerely sorry about the last chapter, by the way. That's what happens when I try to write when I'm hyper. My weirdo-ADHD-bipolar-crazy was coming out in my writing, and it ended up sucking, I know. So, for those people who were getting impatient, HERE IS QUINN REALIZING SHE'S GAY. Big step. Yeah. She still won't admit it to Rachel for several chapters, because there's only going to be a couple chapters MAX after that until the end of the story. I hope that this appeases y'all so that I don't have to hurry up and finish the story for you guys to be happy. :/ So I decided that this story WILL NOT have a sequel. But, don't panic. I will probably write some other stories using the same 'verse as this. And this will have an epilogue. So I hope that this chapter is better than some of my other ones, (definitely the last one), and that you guys will read and review! Please review! Peace out. :)