Chapter

"Do you remember Josh?"

My question came out of nowhere and a few strides ahead of me Eric stiffened, pausing in his walk for half a second. Abriefsmile crossed my mouth at surprising him enough to flinch before I focused on his answer.

"The initiate who jumped off the Chasm? What about him?" Eric's voice was ice-cold and I stumbled over my feet, sucking in a deep, hurt breath at the sudden spasm of pain in my heart. I hadn't expected his question to beso...callous. I don't know why but...I had expected something...softer. It was stupid of me.

I held back the automatic urge to swear and kept walking, burying the pain as far down as it would go. I thought- I think a small part of me thought that if I put off finding whoever killed Josh for a long enough time…that it wouldn't hurt quite so much when I picked up the search. I don't know, I just was in so much pain when he first died…I don't want to be feeling that way. I feel it enough in regards to my mother and now…now I feel it for another person and it's like the pain has doubled and I sometimes wonder how I can take it.

Then sometimes I realize I can't take this intense emotional pain and that is when I have my little…mental check-outs.

"What about him?" Eric repeated, shooting an annoyed look at me over his broad shoulder. I made a face at him, the pain finally buried deep enough for me to flash a small smile and skip forward to his side before settling into an easy long stride at his side.

"He was Izzy's brother and sometimes I wonder…I mean, he wasn't exactly the type to commit suicide. That dude was Dauntless to his core!" I exclaimed, trying to test the waters. Maybe Eric could be my secret weapon?

"If he killed himself then he clearly wasn't Dauntless. It takes more bravery to stay alive and keep fighting than die and surrender to whatever is plaguing you." Eric snapped out brusquely, giving a sharp shake of his head.

…or not. No secret weapon for me or my cause then.

"Yikes! Who shoved a stick up your ass and refused to pull it back out?" I sniped, cocking a dark eyebrow when he shot me one of his prissy looks. I beamed cheekily at him and- testing something out- deepened my smile so my dimples flashed at him. My dark blue eyes flashed and gleamed, a few curls falling into my eyes as my teeth glinted in the red light.

His eyes widened and he faltered in his walk, a dazed and confused look descending over his strong features.

"What?" He mumbled, trying and failing to keep up with my words. I shrugged innocently and sauntered away, leaving him staring after me.

Once I was around the corner and out of his sight, I broke into a light jog, my laughter gone along with my brightness. A dark gleam burned in my eyes and I took a deep breath, beyond ready to figure out what happened to Josh-

"What the fuck games are you playing here?" Eric's deep snarl combined with being dazed at him slamming me against the wall made me tense and go into defensive mode almost immediately.

"What the fuck?" I snarled right back, my dagger already unsheathed and pricking his pulse point. The silver glinted against his sleek jaw and for a moment I panicked. So I did what I do best. I distracted him.

With a kiss.

I darted out and crushed out mouths together, my body thrumming with relief at feeling his kiss. I suddenly realized I had missed this. I had missed him and the feeling of kissing without anything weighing over me in regards to feelings and other shit. I miss the days of my initiation when all we were was passion and sparks and fire. Now all we are is dull, boring and I feel like we are just going through the motions half the time.

He's…got feelings for me.

If I am being honest, I have feelings for him and that terrifies me. I don't know what the fuck to do with feelings and neither does he which only terrifies me even more. So I kiss him with all the pent up terror and attraction and that something-I-don't-know-what-yet and hope he understands everything I can't actually form into words.

It seems like he does when he go to pull back and I let him.

I stared at him, my pulse racing through my veins and drowning out everything around me except him. His blue eyes are blown wide with shock and lust and he stares at me, his kiss-swollen mouth dropping open. I can't do anything except cling to him and tremble, not knowing what the fuck I am doing. This isn't fucking planned, I have no ulterior motive in letting him know my feelings and it seems to stun him.

Hell, it fucking has me stunned.

What is it about him that makes me abandon all plans instantly? Why the fuck does he affect me this way? Why the fuck do I care?

He reads the shock and panic in my eyes and moves closer, panic flashing through his own eyes. It strikes me that he is scared I am going to run away. Okay, maybe not scared but something close to that feeling. He doesn't want me to run. Out of the two of us, he is the one more willing to take a chance on what we have and it shocks the hell out of me.

"Wh-" His voice catches and he nervously licks his lips. I just stared at him with wide eyes, frozen. I hadn't meant to reveal so much to him so quickly. This wasn't part of the fucking plan! What the fuck do I do? "What are you saying?" Eric's voice was low, his amazement resonated clearly. He hadn't expected this from me either. Especially since I've spent so long running from exactly this situation.

Yet, now that it is here, I find that I'm not as scared as I thought I would be.

"Nothing!" I said quickly, my heart skipping a beat when he narrowed his blue eyes and pressed closer, a muscle in his jaw flexing as anger briefly flashed through his eyes. I tried to lean back but I was fully pressed against the wall. A smug smirk slid onto his mouth and settled, making him look very pleased with himself. "What?" I snapped defensively and he laughed.

The sound was light and almost care-free and it was…outrageous. How dare he laugh at me?!

Humiliated, I struggled to get free, swearing at him so rapidly I didn't even recognize what the fuck was coming out of my mouth.

"-Such a fucking moron! Let me go, you fucking caveman! I'm not trying to fucking tell you how much I like you because this is exactly the reason! You are fucking laughing at me you two-faced, cock-sucking, mother-fucking whore-"

He cut me off with a kiss that wasn't exactly rough but it wasn't sweet either.

It was something new and I didn't know how to respond so I stayed frozen in his arms until he pulled back. His eyes were warmer and brighter than I had ever seen and he could see how stupefied I was. My mouth dropped open with a small sound that I refuse to classify as a squeak.

How fucking dare he?

He kissed me again.

His hard form pressed right up against me, molding us together until I couldn't tell where he ended and I began. My ears were ringing and heat was rushing through my veins. I pressed eagerly against him, willingly dropping my head back and winding my arms around his neck; surrendering myself up to him. Eric paused for the briefest of seconds before he renewed his kisses.

He slid his warm hands down my sides, hooking them behind my thighs and easily, effortlessly boosting up. I could feel the ripple of his muscles as they stretched to lift me before bunching as he held me closer. The stone against my back didn't matter. All that mattered was that he was kissing me and I didn't want him to stop.

I gasped into his mouth, a breathy little sound that made him groan low in his throat and press closer. He slid his tongue into my mouth, doing something that made me melt against him with a gentle purr deep in my throat. Fuck if he doesn't know how to break me down.

"Fuck!" Eric pulled back and swore loudly, his blue eyes wild. I didn't have to ask why he was swearing. I find it gratifying that I can drive him crazy. Pressing up against my core was his erection; the evidence that I can beckon his body in ways that he can't ignore. "Let me have you?" There was a beg in his voice and I stared.

Why is he rendering me silent so much?

He wasn't just asking if we could fuck. He was asking if I would let him have me. He was asking if I would trust him and let him lead. If I could surrender myself body, heart and soul to him. He was asking if I could release my control to his hands.

His very skilled hands.

I don't know what part of me decided to say fuck it and finally give in. All I know is I was suddenly nodding and he was scooping me into his arms, striding as quickly to his rooms as he could without flat out running. As it was, his walk was quickly turning into a jog. I clung to his body, feeling the muscles sliding underneath his warm skin, feeling the strength that ran through him…and I knew that I could trust him to not let me fall.

All I have to do is jump and let him catch me.

I finally think I am ready…and I will jump, I just hope he will be ready to catch my body, heart and soul before I shatter.

xXXXx

It's like we were having sex for the first time.

Eric set me down on his bed, stepping back and holding my gaze with his as he slowly slid the zipper down on his vest. I sat and just watched him with my blue eyes wide as Eric stripped off the vest. I don't know if I have ever really taken the time to watch him. His golden skin smoothly ripples, covered with sharp tattoos down his arms, deliciously peeking out from under the black ink. When he pulled his shirt over his head, his icy blonde hair became disheveled and my stomach clenched with delicious fire when he bent to untie his boots, his abs crunching and shifting in a way that had me twisting my hands at my thighs.

"Don't even try it." Eric's voice was a smooth, seductive purr and I stifled a whimper, feeling the ache between my legs building. With herculean effort, I didn't reach for the button of my pants; I kept my hands clenched on my thighs, watching him avidly as he slowly unbuttoned his pants and let them drop, the bulge that was the proof of his desire for me prominent even through his boxers.

"Hurry please?" My voice was a quiet beg, something I don't ever do. I've never begged any man I've been with to do anything…they are usually the ones begging for me to do something. Eric looked at me from under his blonde lashes, his blue eyes promising sin and debauchery. My breath caught in my throat and I squirmed at my spot on the bed, feeling damp and needy.

"I'll go at my own pace today." Eric promised, stalking closer and closer and closer and- there. In once smooth motion, he curved his body into mine, lifting me up and backwards so I was splayed out on the bed, helpless and needy beneath him. My protest came out as gentle sigh and I was –finally!- able to lift my hands and stroke the silky skin of his shoulders.

He is so broad and brawny that I feel tiny beneath him. I know he could crush me just as much as I know the gentleness he handles me with means he will not crush me. I breathe easily, arching into his touch when he gently slides his hands down my sides, snaking them underneath my top and finally touching skin to skin.

My eyes slide shut but his hands stop and withdraw from my shirt.

I open my eyes, confused. Eric stares down at me with an intense gaze and shakes his head, his blonde hair falling forward but not quite covering his blue eyes. My mouth forms the question but my voice doesn't emerge. He lifts one hand and cups my chin, tilting my head back with a firm and silent command. My eyes need to stay open or he will stop.

"You won't be imagining anyone else but me tonight." His voice is low but firm, conviction ringing in every syllable. Guilt flashes through me. Have I called out any name other than his own when we are together? I hadn't thought so. Dark hair and eyes flash through my mind and I yelp when pain flares on my hipbone. "No. One. Else." His voice emerges as a deep growl and I shudder, melting into his body as fire licks through my veins.

"No one else," I agree in a breathy mummer. "Only you." The promise in my voice granted me a quick mouth to mouth kiss. There was something pure and simple in it and I felt some unidentifiable emotion swell in my lungs. How can he stir these emotions in me when I haven't even fully admitted what they are to me?

Eric gently tipped my head back further and I relaxed into him, gazing at the ceiling and tracing small circles in the warm, smooth skin of his shoulders. His mouth slid over my pulse, the inevitable jolt of sweet heat tightening my lower abdomen and allowing a low moan to slide out. My mouth fell open in a small pant as he covered my body with his own, skillful fingers, once again, slipping underneath my shirt and slowly sliding it up and over my head. I helped him, briefly whining when he moved his mouth away from my pulse to slide the shirt away. I sighed and leaned into him once the shirt was out of the way and his mouth was back on my throat.

I dropped my head back, offering up what was his to take. I am fully surrendering to him and I feel completely comfortable with it.

Eric slid a knee between my legs, hiking it against my core and giving me some relief for the barest of seconds before he lifted his head away from my neck, surveying his work with a distinctly pleased look in his blue-gray eyes. I've noticed with Eric when he is feeling intense good emotions his eyes shine pure blue but and when he is feeling other intense emotions, his eyes go dark. Right now, they are a very dark gray, meaning he is so aroused the emotion has transcended frustrated.

I shift in an attempt to gain some more relief against his leg but he pulls back with a laugh, sitting back on his heels and slowly sliding his hands down the smooth slope of my sides and dragging his fingers lightly across my belly, coming to a stop at the button of my jeans. I can't help the small arch, pushing my hips closer to his hands and Eric's eyes darken even more. He catches his bottom lip in his white teeth, undoing the button and ever so slowly sliding the zipper down inch by inch.

He has me completely under his mercy and I find that I like it when he pushes my pants down and off me, leaving me in a bra and underwear. I don't even remember him getting my boots and socks off but hell, I don't even fucking care when that happened at this point. All I want is for him to stop dragging out this sweet torture.

Eric doesn't care about what I want right now. He is exploring me as though it is our first time, fascination in his eyes when he takes in the collection of art on me from the smudged and utterly depressing scraggily tree rising from a plot of dirt from one hipbone to the wave of blue fire on my other hipbone. I had thought all of my fears were laid out on me, bared proudly but I suddenly wonder what my fears would be if I went in a simulation now.

My mind flashes to the scene where I have to choose between Jett, Eric and my mother and I am hit with the thought that it wasn't even about choosing between the guys' lives but choosing between who I wanted. I chose Jett…but would my decision be the same now? I think it would be but I know that it wouldn't be as easy of a decision to make now as it was before.

"Only. Me." Eric's voice is hard and I flinch when he leans forward, twisting his fist in my hair, the tugging producing enough pain to bring me back to the moment. "Only me." There is a plead in his voice and something heartbreaking and vulnerable in his eyes. My breath catches and I nod slowly.

No more thoughts of Jett, only thoughts of Eric.

I reach up and gently tangle my hands in his silky hair, pressing forward and littering small kisses on his jaw, his body rigid against my own before he sighed and melted into me. The grip on my hair softened and Eric allowed me to climb onto his lap, nuzzling his neck and pressing small kisses to his throat and jaw. I sucked on the spot behind his jaw, allowing my teeth to graze the skin and he jolted beneath me, a soft snarl slipping out. I grinned against his face before rocking back and looking right into his eyes.

There was a world of words in my eyes but I couldn't say them out loud and that was okay. There was acceptance in his eyes, along with need and I released his neck, reaching around my back to unhook my bra, letting it fall free and slip down my shoulders to land off somewhere on the floor. He kept his eyes locked on mine and a small pout settled over my mouth.

I mean, yeah, I appreciate him caring more at look at me than looking at my breasts but a girl's gotta have her ego stroked!

Eric grinned and steadily devoured the sight of me with his heated gaze, slipping his fingers underneath the waist of my underwear, lifting me up and sliding them off before I even knew what was happening. I clung to his neck and laughed in startled amazement, feeling his biceps bulge against me when he used his muscles to lift me.

A pulse of warmth made me clench my suddenly slick thighs together. Eric's eyes drifted down, settling between my thighs with a suddenly hungry look. I yelped when the world turned to a blur around me before I was settled back against the pillows with Eric sliding down between my legs.

"E-eric?" I stammered, already breathing harder and he hasn't touched me yet. His white teeth gleamed at me from between my legs and he lowered his blonde head, our eyes locked together. He kissed my thigh- way lower down than what I wanted. I narrowed my eyes at him and he shot me a look so I slid my legs up his elbows, wiggling my toes against his biceps with a small sigh and sliding them into place around his neck, widening my legs with a challenging smirk.

He was a goner.

Something about me offering myself up to his mouth seemed to make him snap and Eric's mouth was on the small bundle of nerves before I could utter a word. My strangled words emerged as something unidentifiable and I arched my hips into his face as my nerves lit with fire. His mouth was hot on me, his tongue eager to lap up everything I had to offer. I writhed against the pillows, wanting to close my eyes but unable to do so; locked in a stare with Eric. His gaze dominated me, made it impossible for me to do anything other than pant and gasp and arch into him with unbridled need.

He slid a finger in and I came undone, snapping down around him, my thighs clenched around his neck and my fists strangling the sheets. I hadn't fully appreciated what the sight of Eric- smug, pleased Eric- between my thighs could do to me. I suddenly felt a burning need for him to be in me and he could tell but didn't care.

He was resting his cheek against my thigh, gently stroking me down from my high; a look of contentment in his hazy blue eyes. He didn't care that he was untouched, rock-hard against the bed; he cared about…about me and I suddenly understood what this was all about.

He was claiming me starting with my body. His possessive hickies stung gently on my neck, a red nip mark on my thigh and his fingers buried knuckle deep within me. He was making sure I would never forget the sight of him between my legs, never forget the feeling of him pleasing me, never forget him and my heart broke a little for him in that moment.

He didn't expect me to stay. He didn't expect this to last.

He was anticipating me getting scared and running.

Yet he was still here and that more than anything made a small corner of my heart unlock and tentatively let him in.

~BS~

I don't know how long I laid there and calmed down for but not once did Eric move. He was seemingly at peace with his face pressed against my warm thigh, his breath lightly blowing against my other thigh. I honestly think he could have fallen asleep like that but I craved something more than the feeling of his fingers. I admitted it to myself and for once…to him.

"…I need you, Eric." The raw tones to my voice made his eyes sharpen and he lifted his blonde head from my thigh, every muscle in his body tense. "Please?" I offered up my arms, beckoning him closer. He had disbelief in his eyes before it flashed away, to be replaced by confidence and cockiness; brashness and smugness. I shook my head and he paused from rising. I reached forward and cupped his face in my palm. "No hiding." I whispered and there was a moment before he nodded stiffly and one by one the masks fell away and I saw…him.

The raw vulnerability he was showing me tore at my heart, clawing out a corner just for him and settling in, cementing his space in my heart.

"Come here," I pulled him closer and closer, up and up until he was hovering over me, biceps bulging on either side of my head. I slid my hands down his shoulders, briefly squeezing his biceps- I couldn't resist- and down his elbows, past his forearms before interlocking our fingers together, palm to palm. "Please?" I whispered, sliding my legs up his thighs and settling them around his waist, arching my hips up in offering. "Please, Eric?"

And he slid home.