Nirvana

by TrespassMyAss

Adam's a man with a disturbing past, dark secrets, and forgotten dreams. Sauli's come to the U.S. looking to start fresh when he meets this strange, cold man. Adam wants nothing to do with him or anybody, but Sauli's determined to break him open. And what he finds out could ruin them both... Adam Lambert, Sauli Koskinen, Saulbert. WARNING: Explicit sexual content, physical abuse

26. Could I Disappear?

Adam:

My worst nightmare was coming true.

I was shocked and pissed when I suddenly found myself on the ground with Sauli straddling me, pinning me down at his mercy. I could easily overpower him any day, but I failed miserably trying to throw him off of me. My injuries still hadn't healed completely and had weakened me greatly. I just couldn't fight back properly, but I still tried. I just couldn't let him see my suffering. Why did it matter so much to him? Why couldn't he just let me be? The determination was apparent on his face. I had no way out of this.

"Just stop!" Sauli barked at me. I froze and stared at him for a moment. He had never yelled at me like that. It hurt, seeing him so angry with me.

I realized what was about to happen and I panicked mentally. I was shaking, feeling completely helpless. I was entirely drained of any energy left to try to fight him off. I was exhausted from my panicking. I felt a huge lump in my throat as it sunk in that I just couldn't stop him.

I gave up. I surrendered. There was nothing I could do except lie there and take it. Let him see the truth. Maybe he'd realized that he shouldn't get involved and he'd leave me alone.

But did I want him to?

The lump in my throat became unbearable. My eyes were moistening and I refused to look at him.

I was panting in exhaustion as Sauli let go of his pinning grip on my arms and somehow managed to quickly pull my arms out of my sleeves. They felt like noodles from being so weakened. He didn't bother pinning me down again. My arms flopped down next to my sides. What a terrible day to be wearing a wife beater.

Everything I had tried to keep secret for so long was out in the open. And I didn't have the strength to do anything about it. All of my wounds, scars, and bruises were exposed.

I heard Sauli gasp sharply.

I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling the tears overflow. Could I just disappear forever?

"What… is all… this?" Sauli breathed, his voice agonized.

I said nothing. I just kept my eyes shut and cried silently, letting the tears spill out of my closed eyes, run down my cheeks, and soak into my jacket underneath me. I felt so helpless and ruined. It was over for me. What now?