My eyes flutter open and slowly they adjust to my surroundings. My body aches all over, but it's my hands and right shoulder that hurt the most. Turning my head I see Colvin watching over Clea. My brain is so foggy that it takes a moment for me to figure out something is wrong. It's the way he looks at her that tugs at me. I've seen this before. As I try to remember where, another cannon fires.
"NO! Wake up! Clea wake up," Colvin shouts.
Instantly I'm wide awake. Forcing myself to my knees is no easy task, but I must. Staggering I make it over to him and sink to my knees beside him. There's neither movement in her chest nor any other sign of life. She's so still, peaceful even and I know Clea is gone.
Colvin pulls her tightly to him and rocks her back and forth. "I promised, I promised I would take care of you," he cries. "Wake up."
Silently I say my farewells to her. Even though she was terrified, she braved this arena. Staying behind to save me instead of running to save her own life is a uncommon sight in the arena. People like her rarely come out of the arena, just like Boron.
When I place my hand on his shoulder his body tenses and begins to shake.
He needs time to say good-bye to her. He gave me space to grieve for Rotor and I think he'd want the same for Clea. But as I withdraw my hand, he grips it firmly.
"Please, please tell me how you get through this," he pleads.
I know exactly how I got through it. I accepted a month ago that Rotor and I would most likely die in here along with almost every tribute I met. I've had to accept so many deaths of those I love, but that didn't make Rotor's any easier. One can only ride the adrenaline rush so far before things catch up with you. Soon there will be no place to run or hide and I'll break down. The only reason I've gotten this far was because the last couple times I lost someone important to me, I had people fighting for me.
"One very painful step at a time," I say. "Start by letting her go."
Colvin will learn. It will be painful, but the way he talks about his friends and family I know they'll be there for him. They'll help him through these nightmares and eventually this will all have been but a bad dream.
The next few hours go by in a daze. I'm vaguely aware of Colvin and me leaning against each other for support. Both of us are so out of sorts that I don't object when he takes my hand. We walk like this until dark not sure where we are going, only that the Gamemakers wanted us to come here.
At night we stand up to await the face of our friend. The first face to appear is Attica. It explains the attack earlier this morning. With her death all reason for the audience to want both of us alive and well for our rematch disappears.
When Clea's face appears, Colvin presses his three middle fingers of his left hand to his lips and extends his hand to the sky. I feel guilty not knowing her better. I know she was scared, she had every right in the world to be, but I can't help but be relieved that she won't be plagued by the nightmares that have tortured me for so many years. The anthem ends and the sky goes dark yet again.
Both of us are so exhausted that we know neither of us will be able to keep watch. It's dangerous, I know this, but there's nothing either of us can do. What would be the point? If one of the remaining tributes found us, we'd be dead anyway. Today's events have taken their toll on both of us physically and emotionally. With this in mind, I plunge into sleep.
My night is filled with nightmares. My mother, father, those that died with him, Boron, the other tributes, Rotor, and now Clea appear. Dead, they're all dead. I want it to stop. I want all of it to stop. No more nightmares, I don't want to hear their screams anymore, don't want to see their faces staring haunted at me begging for help, accusing me of not saving them. I'm about to lose it. I'm going mad. Maybe it will be a good thing if I did, anything to stop the despair threatening to engulf me.
Suddenly my mind shifts to back home. I am up high in the branches of my tree house, safe from the misery below. My hand brushes against the wood my father collected from the abandoned parts of the district. The wind blows through my hair getting it all tangled up. My father's arms are wrapped protectively around me as we have our weekly slumber party under the stars. It's a sweet dream, one that I want to cling on to as long as I can.
The light from the dawn pulls me towards consciousness. My head rests on a chest not my pillow. So, Jay heard me again last night. One of these days I'm really going to have to learn to sleep alone. Still I'm grateful for the comfort. Last night was a bad one.
I think when I get up I'll have to insist on him taking a bath today while I'm at school. I rub one of my eyes a layer of grime coming off. Apparently I need a bath as well. It's like I haven't washed my face in a week.
Wait a minute.
My face turns up and I see Colvin just starting to stir.
"Morning," he says groggily.
I'm certain I'm blushing. I had no idea it was him until now and there is no time to cover up my embarrassment. My response comes out in a squeaky 'hi'.
It's his turn to fumble now. "You were crying out last night and I didn't want the others to find us…"
I'm awake and recovered after the initial shock. "Well I hope you understand the amount of trouble we're in right now."
"I know, the Games."
"No, no no," I say. "With Jay and maybe your parents."
It takes a moment but he starts to chuckle at me. "Well, just wanted to have my turn making the boys envious."
Forget laughing it off, I flush five shades of red right then and there. And to make it worse, all of Panem is watching. No matter how hard I try to deliver a clever comeback, my mouth won't form the words. In the end I end up hiding my face in my jacket.
In truth Jay would let me off the hook. I had no idea it was Colvin that was holding me, my reaction is evidence to that. But if Colvin ends up the victor, he'll have to face him during the Victory Tour. I can only imagine that conversation.
Jay will be up by now, the TV on to watch me. What is he thinking now? Is he silently reminding me of our agreement to not have a boyfriend until I was nineteen? If he were here right now, I'd cheekily point out that would be tomorrow.
We rummage through our packs for breakfast. I'm a little worried when I drop the can of ham chowder. Colvin retrieves it and hands it back. Then I know there's a problem when I can't even get the tab on the can.
"Problem?" Colvin asks.
"I can't grip it," I say.
Colvin takes the can, "Here, let me."
"Thanks," I say when he returns it. I have to cup the can tightly between my hands instead of using the lid as a spoon like I have been the last few days. If I can't grip a can then what does that say about my ability to toss a knife? Well, I wasn't planning on coming out of this arena anyway so I guess it doesn't matter.
All throughout breakfast Colvin makes faces at me to get me to laugh. I do both outwardly, but inside I'm crying. How much longer are we allowed to keep this going? Is any of it real on his part? If it is, then it will only make it worse for both of us. But why is it that I don't care?
I know why. It's one of the reasons I agreed to team up with him in the first place. He reminds me of Boron.
The smell from the forest drives us further into the fenced in area. My right side hurts so much that I carry my pack on my left shoulder only. I'm not the only one with injuries. Colvin has a few burns on his arms and some scratches as well. Often I worry about the cut Quintus gave him, but Clea did such a good job that it might not be a problem anymore.
An ominous feeling fills the air as we pass house after house. Everywhere around us looks very much like a regular district. But it's empty.
"Look at this," Colvin says. "It looks like a Justice Building."
And then I know where I am. I bite my tongue so not to swear out loud. Voting us in, the costumes, and our surroundings... we've been reenacting the rebellion. The Capitol is driving the point home that the rebellion was our choice. And if that's true then I know exactly where we are playing. This is District Thirteen.