Trigger warning - self-harm, suicide, depression, anxiety, and mentions of eating disorders.

"Where do you want us to start?"

"Wherever you want," Lucas replies. "We're not going to go any farther than you guys can handle today. Although, something I did want to talk to you about – I really would like to try individual sessions. I've found sometimes that people hide things when they're around their loved ones, in fear of hurting them, and suppress a lot. It builds up and explodes and that's really not good. So individual sessions would be our best bet."

I freeze.

My heart seems to stop beating for a second, and I can already feel the dizziness. Individual sessions? Me, alone, with him? I don't want to talk to him by myself. I just can't imagine the thought of that. I don't want to do any of this by myself. Rocky promised us all that we wouldn't be alone, and now I just…I don't know if this is going to work.

"Hey, calm down," Rocky says, reaching over to grab my hand. "You're going to be okay."

"Austin, right?" Lucas leans forward and holds out a bottle of water. "Here. Take some deep breaths. It's all going to be okay, I promise. I'm not gonna separate you guys immediately. We'll start with maybe two of you at a time? Something like that? Trust me, I know what you're going through."

"With all due respect," Riker mutters. "I don't think you do. He's been through a lot. His anxiety is through the fuckin' roof, and throwing that curveball at us wasn't the best idea."

Lucas sighs. "My PTSD is a result of eighteen years of abuse by my parents. I still have nightmares. I still wake up screaming. Even though it's been almost twenty years since I've seen my parents. In my house, the master bedroom is on the first floor because I'm scared I'll wake my kids in the middle of the night if I have a nightmare. Trust me. I know a lot more than you think I do."

"I…sorry."

"Don't be," he replies. "I know this isn't easy. And I'm not going to be one of those harsh therapists who forces you out of your comfort zone the first session. We're gonna take this slow. As slow as you guys are comfortable with. I'm not in any rush."

"I have manic depression too," Ratliff speaks up. "Or bipolar disorder, whatever you wanna call it. And it sucks. Like, I just…there are days when it sucks so fucking much, especially combined with schizophrenia." He's trying to take the attention off me and I can tell immediately. That's why I love Ratliff. He cares so much, and he tries to help me in any way he can.

"Damn," Lucas mutters. "That combination is awful. I've worked with a couple people who have both and it's really not easy to deal with. I'll help you figure some things out – it'll be easier because I know what it feels like to have bipolar disorder. But also, it'd be great if I could know what you all have been diagnosed with and if you take anything for them. I don't keep files on my patients – well, I do, but it's just basic contact information. I don't believe in keeping anything else, like your diagnoses, your stories, none of it."

"So you're not gonna write down whatever we say and keep it locked up to use against us later?"

"I wouldn't dream of it."

"You good, love?" I ask, bringing Austin closer. He lets his head fall onto my chest after giving me a slight nod. He's definitely not okay, but the crisis has been averted and he's not about to have a panic attack, so that's good.

"I don't feel like passing out and throwing up at the same time, so yes," Austin replies. He turns to Lucas and lifts his head. "I…I have depression, social anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder, and bulimia. And I'm almost two months clean from self-harm and I haven't purged in almost four, but…I dunno, is that good?"

"That is amazing, Austin," Lucas says. "That's such an accomplishment, trust me. Being clean for even one day is a big deal, but almost two months is amazing. Really amazing. And look how close you are to reaching six months without purging. I'm so proud of you."

A stranger's validation isn't as good as a loved one's, but Austin's face seems to light up after Lucas says that. He scoots away from me a bit and curls into himself. That's how I know he's feeling okay. He doesn't need to lean on me for emotional support. He doesn't need to be touching me to remind him he's okay. He's getting better.

"So that's Ratliff, Rydel, and now Austin done," Rocky says. He reaches over and drapes his arm around my shoulders. "Looks like it's just down to you and me, Rik."

"Please," I choke out. My voice catches in my throat, which leads to a painful coughing fit. I'm tearing up and my head hurts while I'm trying to catch my breath and it's all just painful. I don't want to do this. I don't want to be here. My anxiety is bad enough without having to explain shit to a stranger.

"Why don't you go first then, Rocky? Give him some time to calm down."

"Sure. Rik, breathe," he murmurs, hugging me closer. "You're okay." Austin grabs my hand and squeezes, shooting me and encouraging smile, and I just give up, letting my head fall into Rocky's shoulder and closing my eyes as he speaks.

"My main problem is how suicidal I am," Rocky says somberly. "And how bad it gets. I have depression and my anxiety's pretty bad, but my main problems are the cutting and the suicidal thoughts."

"Do you have these thoughts all the time? Or is it one of those things that's there at the back of your mind, like, if something goes wrong, I can just kill myself and it'll all be over?"

"Definitely the former," Rocky replies. "And I've learned how to push it to the side, because I have so many other things to focus on, but it's always there. I always want to die."

Ratliff makes a strangled, choked noise, bringing his knees up to his chest. Rocky glances over and sighs. "Fuck. Um…I think we need to tell you the whole story."

"That'd be good."

"Ry, can you handle Riker for a bit?" I ask. "Switch places with me."

Rydel nods, and we switch quickly. She brings Riker into a hug and whispers something in his ear. Meanwhile, I bring Ratliff onto my lap and press a kiss to the top of his head. He curls into me immediately, resting his head on my chest and closing his eyes.

"I'm fine, okay?" I whisper. "I'm perfectly fine. The accident was years ago. Everything is okay."

Ratliff whimpers, and I pull him closer, hugging him tighter, before looking to Lucas. "I jumped off the roof of our house. Around three years ago. I didn't die, obviously, but Ratliff was the one who found me and kept me alive until the ambulance showed up, so he's kinda…messed up from the whole incident."

"Jesus," Lucas mutters. "That's shit. Really shit. It really does take a while to come back from something like that." He turns the picture of his wife back around to face him and stares at it for a few moments. "Listen…I don't usually get this personal around people, but you guys seem like you've definitely been through a lot, so I don't mind. I want you to trust me. For this to work, you have to trust me."

"It's not that we don't trust you-"

"I jumped off a bridge," Lucas says lowly. "You know those ten suicide attempts I just told you about? Three of them were me trying to drown myself. The first time, someone found me. The second, someone found me again. And the third, I hit a rock, broke a few ribs, and give myself a concussion. That was when it occurred to me that bridges weren't the best way to die."

"Lucas, I-"

"I'm not done," he replies. "The last time I tried to kill myself, Raven saw the entire thing. She watched me take a knife and cut my arm open." He pushes his sleeve up a little more and holds out his arm. The tattoos cover his self-harm scars, but there's a long, deep white scar traveling the entire length of his forearm. "I passed out from blood loss and she was left to try and stop the bleeding and call for help. I put her through hell. Just like you did to Ratliff, Rocky. Every time I have a shitty day she smothers me because she's so terrified I'll try again even though it's been almost twenty years. So, you see? I know what you're going through. I know how to help. I just need you to let me."

So, I know this was also quite a bit of Lucas, but I'm really trying to establish him as a good therapist and good person. I want to build up to where they trust him enough to start talking, because I really don't think they'd all be willing to open up from the beginning. It takes time. They've been hurt by so many people, and it's hard for them to trust, but once they realize that he's genuine and he used to be just like them and ended up turning his life around, they'll start to get better (also lucas is my baby and I love him so much I had to include snippets of his story).

So, thoughts? Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed.