Author's Note: I slept a lot today. My frequent updates made me lose sleep. I have to write things like right away because I think I will forget them.
It was a good thing I started cleaning Usagi's floor because Nii-chan dropped in unexpected. He was shocked to see me there. Usagi made up some excuse. Nii-chan was too trusting of people, or maybe he was just too ignorant of people around him. "Well I gotta get going." I left Usagi's house and walked around. I'd have to get a bus to get home, but it was too awkward to stay there now after everything that happened...of course Nii-chan didn't know...
I had to try so hard to be my usual self this morning and then Usagi ruined it with that kiss. Jerk. I'd show him. I didn't need him. I stopped by usual bookstore while waiting for the bus. Usagi had a lot of books out. All of them were best sellers. I couldn't imagine him working hard for some reason. I could imagine him ordering people around.
I didn't really have the extra money, but a bought a couple of his books anyway. I was already absorbed in one by the time I got on the bus. I sat at home and read for hours. Todo wasn't around today anyway. He didn't have off like I did. Todo rarely ever took a day off. I needed one once in awhile. I was weird reading about normal romance especially from someone who I would never think had a normal romance. I could only imagine Usagi forcing people into loving him...only for them to discover that they really did later anyway.
I could feel my heart in my ears. I never thought I could fall in love. I was always afraid I'd be rejected even if I liked someone a little bit...not to mention the fact that I never liked girls. So easily Usagi had me. It was his scent and his voice and his confidence. He knew what it was that he wanted and to think of that being me left me unable to breathe. I never thought I'd feel like such a...girl.
I needed to cook. I had to get things off my mind. I was going to forget what happened last night. I would call him and tell him...and lose everything I could gain if I did. I couldn't stop the tears when they finally spilled over. I didn't want to hand over everything I had to someone, but I couldn't want him all for myself if I didn't. No one ever told me love as so twisted and painful. My heart didn't belong to me anymore.
My phone rang. "Hello, Misaki speaking. Ah, Nii-chan." Nii-chan was stopping by, he wanted to talk. I started to make some tea when I heard a knock. Nii-chan was standing there with Manami. "Come in." Stalker.
Nii-chan looked through the bag of books I just got and the one I was almost half way through already. "Misaki you've never seemed interested in reading before." I looked at all the manga piled everywhere because I wasn't done unpacking yet.
"I usually read manga." He looked around. "So what brings you here?"
"I feel like I'm losing you Misaki. You don't come around." I didn't like to see him so sad.
"Nii-chan, I've only been gone a little over a week." I set the tea down on the table. "Besides I'm too old to be living with you. You're going to need my room for the baby and all. I don't really care where I'm at as long as I'm close enough if you ever need me or I need you."
"Misaki, is there something you need to tell me? I haven't listened these past years enough and now I think you've changed." He's the one who has changed more than I have. My changes have been my limited growth and trying to get over my crippling shyness.
"I guess there are some things. I don't know how you would react though." I sipped my tea. I didn't have to tell him about Usagi. I guess it was right to tell him I didn't exactly like girls. "I need to tell you this so you stop trying to get me a date. I don't even like girls. Not that way." He spit out his tea.
"How long have you known this?" I had the urge to hit him.
"A very long time." Manami just smiled. It was strained, but she smiled.
"Have you...dated anyone?" Did Nii-chan really want to know about my sex life.
"Not until recently." This was so embarrassing. "Don't look around like that. Todo isn't my boyfriend." Nii-chan let out a deep breath. "I thought you might realize it at some point and then years went by...guess it's not so obvious. Why are you asking now?"
"Usagi said I didn't know you very well." Now I knew who to kill.
"Ah, I went out with him earlier this week. Somehow I was able to tell him right away." Maybe because I wanted to know if he was...
"Maybe you sensed he was...like you." So Nii-chan knows about Usagi?
"He told you. I would say it's about time or something, but I have no room to talk." I drunk all my tea and had nowhere else to look. Nii-chan was gripping his cup like he was going to smash it. "Are you mad about this?"
"I think you should see a therapist." What?
"And I think that's not your decision to make. I'll date whoever I want to date wherever I want to date them. I don't think you have a say in who I like or what gender they are." I hadn't meant to get mad, but before I knew it I was furious. "I would appreciate it if you would leave."
"Misaki..." Manami stood up before Nii-chan did. "It's a lot too handle at once."
"Really? I don't understand why he can't handle this. He came home a couple years ago telling me he was getting married when I didn't even know he had a girlfriend. In a matter of months everything changed for me. I could accept all of that. I could accept you. And just because I happen to dates guys and not girls it's "all lot to handle" well some things are harder to handle, but mature people get over it." I'd never once been mean to Manami. She didn't know what to say though because everything I said was true. "If you can't accept I don't want you here Nii-chan." I looked up to see Todo in the doorway.
"Misaki...just call me okay." Nii-chan got up and walked out. Manami looked like she wanted to say something, but just followed him. Call him? Yeah right.
"Sorry about that Todo." I slumped in my chair.
"Misaki, I don't think it matters who or what you do. You're still you." I just wanted to cry in peace.
"Thanks Todo." I made it to my room before I broke down. I dug in my bag for my phone. I wanted to call Usagi but I was crying so much I couldn't even see the screen of my phone. I calmed myself down until I could dial his number.
"Misaki." It felt so great just to hear his voice.
"Usagi-san...what do I do now?"
"Just wait for me." He hung up. I curled up on the bed. I heard the front door shut. Todo must've went out to get away from my obnoxious crying. When I went to look I found a note on the table. He thought I needed some time alone. It was the last thing I needed. When people are sad they don't want to be left alone no matter what they say. I crawled back into bed after unlocking the door. My eyes were dry and there were no tears left but I still felt the pain.
I heard the front door shut. It's funny when you know what a certain person sounds like. Soft footsteps, the flick of a lighter, and a whole different scent. I sat up and there he was. I didn't know what to say. Usagi crushed me with a hug before I could say anything. "No one can make you cry, but me." It was so like him to say that.
"Usagi-san..." I was mad. Why did I need him so much? "I definitely love you, so don't listen to me if I say I don't." His kiss wasn't like yesterday. There was only one goal, to forget. It was something we had in common. To forget everything that happened today and lose ourselves in each other.
I lost myself in his touch, and every time he whispered he loved me I forgot everything else. The one person I thought would understand me no matter what, didn't. It was something that was so heartbreaking it wasn't easy to forget. Usagi was drifting off to sleep probably thinking the same thing. I would help him be happy. I leaned over and kissed him willing him to be happy. "Usagi-san I'm not sure what to do. Nothing is like I expected it to be."
"For once, I don't know what's going on myself. We'll just be this way together. Don't worry I'll protect you." I fell asleep believing that. I don't think I had anyone who would be here whenever I called. Certainly not Nii-chan.