HYNEK

"Look who came back for more."

I grinned when Laura Dewitte appeared on my doorstep one day. Not that I minded. Every since that chat with Austria, I just couldn't see banana splits the same way.

"What happens in Amsterdam stays in Amsterdam," she reminded me stoically. "I need to talk to you."

I let her in and got her a beer. She wasn't passive-agressive like at work, just tired and bitter. I hoped the drink would sweeten her somewhat. I'd always suspected that was what the yellow of her flag actually stood for. And then, maybe… but first things first.

"What did you want to talk about?"

"Your sister. And Matthew."

I thought it was strange for her to call him that, but whatever.

"They've had a row."

"So I've heard."

Silence.

"Is that all?" I wondered.

"I meant THE row."

"THE row?"

"The one after which you cannot go back."

"All couples argue now and then." I shrugged.

"He actually told her she drank too much." She gave me a serious look.

"That's common knowledge. Living with Ivan has left all of us with a drinking problem."

Laura averted her eyes, then started to furiously peel the label off her beer.

"Believe it or not, he also accused her of wanting too much sex," she said to the bottle. I laughed out loud as a wave of pride rushed through my insides.

"That's my girl! Carpe fucking diem!"

"You're really not getting this." The Belgian shook her head. "He... he actually said she should lose some weight," she half moaned.

DID HE?!

I almost fainted as my blood pressure suddenly shot up. As if a storm was breaking out inside me. Eva was finally doing well enough to develop a full, strong body and he dared say such a thing?! In a flash, it all dawned on me. Why she was so upset about Entropa. Why her whole wardrobe had gone dark. Why I couldn't recollect the last time I saw her eat.

And…

And how she always put makeup on, even at home - so I wouldn't see her red eyes, her chewed lip, her tired, almost translucent skin. She stopped blooming a while ago. Now, she was just withering.

Because of him.

I don't care about UN. I don't care about NATO. I'm going to strangle him, I'm going to strangle that ungrateful brat and -

"...and she told him he was taking hockey too seriously," she concluded. In a moment, my boiling blood dropped to zero.

Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.

"Their relationship is over," I gasped.

"Completely." At last, she allowed concern to spread freely across her face. "And yet, he's proposing tonight."

"WHAT?!"

So many things started to make sense, leaving some pretty scary pictures in my mind. I called him at least fifteen times, using both mine and Laura's number. Nothing. I opened the phone and put in my American SIM card. Just as expected, he replied at the first ring.

"Oh. It's you," he breathed.

"Please don't do this, Matthew. You'll just grow miserable. Both of you."

"It's the way it should be. She's the right person for me." If beaten dogs could talk, I knew what they would sound like. But I was too pissed to pity him.

"How is she the right person for you?!" I exclaimed. "You said yourself that she drinks too much and -"

Something, not quite sure what, made me pause.

"You told me that was the price to pay for her company," he gasped, then went silent. And I could almost hear the shit hitting the fan. "You were messing with me. You've been doing this since the very beginning, eh?!"

"I… I just -"

"Goodbye. And please don't contact me anymore."

"Wait!" I yelped. To my surprise, he actually obeyed. Probably because his conscience wasn't that clean, either. "I suck, I know. But please, just leave Eva out of this!"

"What happens between the two of us is none of your concern." I glanced desperately at the woman next to me. She pointed at herself. By then, I'd developed a pretty good idea what role she was playing in the story.

"But you don't even love her anymore!"

Prove me wrong, I beg you, prove me wrong…

All that I got was another moment of silence.

"You know what?" he finally spoke. "At least one of your pieces of advice was useful. You were right that, when you have relations with someone, you're making a promise. I have to keep that promise now."

"Me? When did I ever say that?!"

Seriously. If I were to marry every woman I slept with, I wouldn't have a free Saturday before the end of the decade. Even considering some of my fiancées would die in the meantime. But before I could tell him that, he hung up and turned off his phone. I buried my face in my palms.

"I have an idea." Laura rummaged in her handbag until she retrieved a piece of paper with fancy handwriting. "There's a banquet in the Buckingham Palace tonight. I RSVPed no, but that shouldn't be a problem."

A few hours later, we were walking up to that giant English jewel.

"Miss Belgium!" the guard exclaimed. "What a pleasure you reconsidered!"

I followed her inside, but the guy stopped me.

"May I have your name, sir?"

"Mr. Czechia."

"I'm afraid you are not on the list, sir."

"He's with me," Laura said. The guard started to look suspiciously from her to me again and again. I had to act quickly. Create a distraction and then, we'd dart inside.

"Alright. I didn't mean to embarrass Miss Belgium here, but, as a matter of fact…" I pulled the crisp white shirt out of my trousers to reveal the recently re-acquired six-pack, then started to stroke it. "I'm a professional stripper."

The man's eyes widened.

"And a slut," Laura added sweetly. Before I could ask her what the hell, a familiar voice rose over the crowd.

"That's quite alright, Billy. Let them in."

(A/N: Tatra Tea is a tea-based herbal liquor, a typically Slovak drink)

"You could at least try to be on time for this kind of event," Arthur grumbled as he guided us through the seemingly endless corridors.

"Ballroom's that way," Belgium hissed and we started to run.

"Where do you think you're going, wankers?!"

My lungs were burning as I finally reached the heavy wooden door. I threw myself on the knob, pushed and pulled with all my force. Nothing worked.

"It's occupied." The Briton joined us at a leisure pace.

"We need to talk to them!" I yelped.

"I am afraid you'll need to wait until they come out."

"Please," Laura cooed, looking up through her lashes. "Surely you have a spare key?"

The blond wasn't moved by her seductive tone.

"Seriously, Arthur. Cut the crap. This is very important. Just hand us the key!"

No good, either.

"They are in the middle of making an important decision. Do not disturb them."

I could see that this wasn't only about his affection for the couple. But I didn't give it much more thought. Our time was running out.

"You know what? I don't care," I declared coldly. "I'm getting her out of here, even if it means burning this place to ashes."

To support my words, I reached into my briefcase and took out the flask of Tatra Tea I carried everywhere along with a lighter. I started to open the flask and Artie froze. Too late did I realize he wasn't looking at me rather than behind me.

"You are most certainly not putting my house on fire."