The Sequel: Chapter XXVI (Current Mood: Mozzarella)

(Author's Note)

I went to MegaCon in Orlando today (Saturday, March 8, 2008). It was insane. Orlando is such a crowded, crazy place to drive in. We were on the off-ramp for AN HOUR! An OFF-RAMP?! (stupid...) Anyway, I had a blast, and my legs are hurting. It's apparently the biggest convention in Florida, which isn't surprising. My only peeve was that there were too many comic book booths. The manga and anime were outnumbered at LEAST 3 to 1. (mutter) I didn't even get to see my favorite manga store there. (is angry)

(edit) This weekend (pi-day through the16th) was my college's own anime convention. If you' ever decide to vacation in Florida, make sure it's during FITcon. We have the only Ninja Rave in the world. (Foam swords plus fluorescent tape plus black lights equals joy! My entire body hurts, though...) I sell artwork there, so come and visit me in person! XD I'd like to meet readers from far away!

(edit again) 04/04/08 5:03AM I have a cold. Apparently, I do my best work while ill, so I'll try to put it to good use. (hack, wheeze...dies)

This chapter is dedicated to my 200th reviewer, KnightFoxx, who reviewed after much poking on dA. You rock, foxxy-momma!

Quote(s) of the Day: "English doesn't borrow from other languages. English follows other languages down dark alleys, knocks them over, and goes through their pockets for loose grammar."—The caption on a T-shirt I bought at MegaCon.

"If you vomit in my car, I'll blast you into next week so hard that they'll have to surgically remove the space-time continuum from your ass."—a character in my book, not Andy (I adore him with all my evil little heart. XD)

"I...fear mackerel!"—Haruka, "Tactics" vol 4, Bonus story part 3

Revamp: The Lunacy Is Back

(The Hangover Chase)

"Hwan! Hwan, wake up! We're gonna miss them!" Seimei shook the Doctor's shoulder insistently and rolled his eyes when she swiped his hand away and requested "the one with the purple tail" in a slurred, sleep-impeded tone. "Oh, come on. We don't have time for this!"

Hwan had a hangover—not surprising, really, but she wasn't much of a drinker to begin with, so this was a rare occurrence. Sure, she put up with enough of Ni Jianyi's crap to kill a human, but being trapped with Seimei while the Professor's abuse still sat fresh in the sorting pile within her memory banks had put her over the edge. At the moment, all she wanted was sleep. Sleep meant that the world had to wait before it could harass her some more. The only trick to making it work was shooing away all the things that wanted to wake her up. She made a mental note to create a force-field generator when she had the time.

there were too many wake-up things in this world...like coffee..and alarm clocks...and donuts...and god-clones.

Seimei, however, would have none of it. The storm had finally cleared overnight, and in the morning he had awakened to the sound of revving engines. Knowing that there were only two possible sources of the noise in Togenyko's civilian world, he immediately looked out the window and found the Sanzo party and it's associates loading their respective vehicles for the continuation of their trip.

In a last-ditch attempt to wake the doctor, Yumoa's clone took a pot and a wooden spoon from the little kitchenette and began clanging loudly next to her head, screaming about fire.

That did the trick, and Hwan nearly broke her ankle, wrist, and nose when she tangled a leg in the sheets, tripped out of bed, and landed hard on the wooden floor in her nightdress. Seimei decided not to comment on her nice ass.

"Rrrgh..." she groaned, suffering from more pain than she cared to think about at this seemingly ridiculous hour. "What...what are you doing?!"

"Saving your research," the clone replied tersely, lifting her gently to her feet and handing her a cup of black coffee from the bedside table. "Here. It'll help."

Too dazed to think, she accepted the drink and sipped slowly, calmed by the perfect temperature and somewhat revived thanks to the caffeine. At length, she managed to ask more coherently, "What's all this about, Seimei?"

"The Sanzo party and my siblings are here," he replied, putting away the pot and spoon. He indicated the fully-stocked rucksack of supplies. "I got the bag from the dragon and filled it with food and provisions—as well as rain slicks in case we're trapped in another ridiculous storm."

Hwan's head cleared at his words, and she looked up in blatant surprise. "We have to follow them before tracking becomes impossible!"

"Gee, I wonder why I hadn't thought of that," he muttered sarcastically. "At least I wasn't the one asking for purple ponies in a drunken stupor while the world kept spinning around."

She gave him a dark look. "Are you done?"

He thought for a moment, then nodded. "Yeah, I'm good. Now go shower or something while I check us out of the room." He fished through his pocket for a moment and turned his back to her. When he faced her once more, he had a thick mustache, sideburns, and Paris Hilton sunglasses. "How's this for incognito?"

"Either I'm still drunk or you look like a hobo rock star. Do what you have to, but if you're found out, I'm pretending I've never met you before in my life and leaving you here to explain yourself to the authorities."

She turned on her heel and locked the bathroom door behind her before he could respond with a witty comeback, and he cursed with feeling. "Look, I'm really not an asshole!" he shouted through the door, only to have the sound of running water answer loudly.

Feeling thoroughly misunderstood, Seimei sighed and went off in the disguise anyway. The most he hoped for was some stranger's amused reaction, because he certainly wasn't getting anywhere with the frigid Doctor.

(Chargogagogmanchogagochaubunagunamog) (1)

"I have a question."

Kannon looked up from the viewing pond and was almost surprised to see Eris standing beside the throne a few feet away. Venus didn't even blink.

"Well! After that long absence, I had assumed you were off plotting something treacherous," the Merciful Goddess admitted with a wry smirk. "What brings you back? What did you want to ask?"

Eris frowned pensively, her cherry lips glistening in the ambient light of the Heavens. "I was wondering, since you are a Goddess of Mercy, whether you see any mercy in my son where I am concerned. I naturally assume that he despises me for what I have done to his equivalent, but perhaps I am wrong..."

If she had been a dog, Aphrodite's ear would have twitched, but she remained silent for fear of ruining this beautiful moment. Eris admitting her mistakes? This deserved Pay Per View, for sure!

"Well, in a way, it was your handiwork that caused those two to take the final step. If you hadn't pushed them both to breaking point, Konran would still be a depressed wreck, and Lydia would still be an ignorant little nit." Kanzeon Bosatsu smirked at the backwards workings of the Lower World. Things down there were wonderfully unpredictable.

"Be that as it may, I still think I might have underestimated that human," the Goddess of Chaos mused. "To forgive him despite his terrible history with women...she must either be utterly mad or endlessly forgiving."

"I'm curious. What exactly is Chaos' history?" Kannon frowned a little, somewhat unclear as to why Lydia would react so negatively to whatever Eris had said in that little shed.

Eris cast a sidelong leer at Venus, who pretended to be too absorbed in the goings-on below to pay any attention above. "Thanks to his aunt's influence, he took the wrong path and became a womanizer more notorious than Zeus himself. Venus used him to her advantage, having the nymphs teach him everything he could possibly need to know in order to recruit more worshipers for her temple."

"You mean he seduced them?"

"I mean he brainwashed them into believing that they could attain higher thought through debauchery. He devoured them, then handed the empty shells over to Aphrodite to fill with zealous adoration. He was forced to use his own equivalents as sacrifices for nearly a millennium. That is why Lydia was so angry.

"However, this was all done behind Hera's back, and when the Queen found out, she cast him out of Olympus to spend his days in Tartarus as Hades' errand-boy. I would have returned after he grew to be a man, but I was so ashamed that I asked the Fates to write me off as a fallen Goddess—one whose power base has grown so small that her existence itself fades back into the chaos." Her leer turned into a full-on expression of indignant rage, but she refrained from attack only because she didn't want to have to answer to Zeus when his little girl got her ass kicked into next century.

"I see...so he's basically an exile?"

The goddess nodded. "The only way for him to redeem himself is to marry a goddess of Olympus. Only then can he return to the palace. However, now that he has settled for this mortal girl, he hasn't a chance in Hades of coming back home."

"Oh, so that's the real reason behind your actions, is it?" Kannon chuckled despite herself. "I've seen worse. Humans do even more horrid things to their own kind."

"I know...and I spoke with Athena because she's supposed to be the wise one—though naming her pet owl Bobo seems a bit detrimental to the common person's image of wisdom." She made a face. "Anyway, Athena told me that my son was better off not coming back to Olympus. Too many complications would arise—we goddesses are vicious when it comes to the men we want, and bringing Chaos back would be equivalent to throwing raw meat into a shark frenzy."

"His reputation precedes him?"

"No. They want more of what they had once before—as I said, he went around the block hundreds of times before Hera cast him out. However, since he has his heart set on this girl, Athena seems to think that his unpredictable nature and atrocious behavior will improve. She'll control Chaos itself, so to speak."

The Goddess of Mercy nodded in agreement with Athena's logic. "Wise, indeed. Lydia would string him up by his ears if he ever made the stupid mistake of fooling around with anyone else. I think he fears her as much as he loves her."

"It's so unhealthy that even I can't understand where his convoluted head his taking him."

"Don't assume that he's thinking with the head on his shoulders. There's an awful lot of desperate lust coming into play here, and since both of them are more than a little repressed, it's only natural for things to evolve along this chain of events." She chuckled at the thought, despite how true it was. It just seemed to her that both gods and men had a terrible habit of taking the hard road when the easy one was right there. Whether it was pride or pigheadedness, it still amused the hell out of her.

"In that case, I suppose I should give them a little bit more time to settle down before stopping by to meet with him. Now that I've gotten my facts straight, I can see the logic in what's going on. It would be a pity if I ruined an excellent opportunity at grandchildren. None of the other goddesses want to have his children—they just want to play. Lydia seems more level-headed."

"I think that's the wrong way to describe her. If there's as much inbreeding in Greek mythology as Comedy claims, then she's completely sane."

Eris folded her arms across her stomach and looked into the pool, seeing the Sanzo Party and their affiliates once more getting ready to set off on their Western trek. "Well...sane isn't quite how I'd put it...but compared to Hera in the wife-sense, then yes, she's perfectly normal..."

Kannon thought for a moment, then frowned. "Wait, Konran said that he can't have children. He had some sort of procedure done."

Despite her enormous pride, Eris snorted and suppressed an all-out cackle as she looked past the Merciful Goddess at her son in the shifting waters. "He had a 'procedure' done? Hah! He's a god. You could cut his arm off a hundred times and it will grow back the moment he dissociates into his elemental form. Oh, he can have children just fine. If he couldn't, I'd have killed him myself for ruining my plans."

"Ah." Kannon looked at Venus in suspicion when she glanced back and chuckled a bit madly.

"Lydia doesn't know!" she giggled, only to be joined, surprisingly, by Eris.

"I don't think I understand," the Merciful Goddess admitted slowly, giving the both of them an uncertain frown.

"You'll see in nine months," the Goddess of Chaos responded with all the smugness in all the dimensions.

(Ten Thousand Bottles of Ugly Walruses on the Wall)

"Okay...so you're a god?" Ichigo asked slowly, staring at Yumoa in incredulity. "Both of you?" His disbelief was likely born of their unbecoming behavioral patterns. Neither really seemed like gods, did they? Though, Kon was arrogant enough every so often.

"Why do you keep asking us that?" Comedy demanded, looking up from his origami shrimp sculpture just long enough to shoot the kid an equally incredulous look. "You're a god, too. Shinigami are gods. The only one here who isn't a god is Lyds. Well...Regina is kind of a goddess, but she's also a clone. Same for Char—Solitus, I mean." He shot the Klone an irritated frown.

Solitus just rolled his eyes and stared lazily out the window, probably wondering when we would stop so he could stretch his legs. He was remarkably low-maintenance, much unlike my version one-point-oh.

The shinigami shook his head and I wondered why, after all the random, insane crap he had been through, he would find the presence of real deities so unsettling. Maybe it was because the gods I kept as company were about as godlike as hamsters. Or maybe it was because he was merely sick of all the random, insane crap he was being put through. Thankfully, Solitus remained tacit, watching the world outside in vague interest.

"This is insane," Ichigo repeated for perhaps the fifteenth time.

Yumoa chuckled. "Not quite, but Lydia is. She has the certificate to prove it, too. I found it in her underwear drawer, and had it framed. The framer man gave me funny looks, though." He returned to his shrimp and Ichigo decided that it would be better to occupy himself with the Disney movie Comedy had selected: "Bambi".

I sighed and leered at Konran out of boredom. The roads were muddy and slippery from all the rain last night, and following the Jeep meant that ninety percent of all that mud ended up on our windshield. Kon was too preoccupied with his obscured field of vision to notice my one-man staring contest. The wipers were on hyper drive, yet all I could see was a wide swatch of brown in varying levels of transparency. I had no idea how he was faring, but seeing as how we hadn't struck down any wizards, I assumed that things were going well.

It took him awhile, but he eventually noticed my scrutiny, and gave me a nervous look. "What? I hope you're not plotting against me. It's hard enough to drive through this as it is."

"Holy hell, are you slow on the uptake or what?" I sighed in disdain, turning around and facing front again. "Sweet sanity, we need to get a bed in this thing. I can't sleep in a car. My back hurts enough already."

"Are you implying that I'm at fault for your sore back?" the god questioned slowly, not sure as to whether it was an intelligent idea to even ask. My pain wasn't even because of his enthusiasm. It was just the sleeping situation on the road.

"Yes. Yes, I am. But that's just because I need to feel like I'm blaming it on someone." Kon sighed with relief, and I continued, "However, if we have to camp out, I want to sleep in here anyway. That or in a tree. I refuse to sleep on the ground."

"We can share a sleeping bag..." he suggested, earning himself my exasperated frown.

"Honestly! If you get shot, fine, but if I get shot, I bleed all over the place then die horribly. Sanzo will snap—snap, I tell you! Do you want to get me killed just because you can't keep your pants on? Do you really?"

He at least had the decency to look abashed. "You have my apologies. I can rearrange the back seats if you'd really rather not sleep on the ground. I didn't think we would be here for so long, so I didn't bring a tent."

I closed my eyes and groaned. "Damn you. Just...damn you." Defeated, I tipped over and rested my head on his shoulder. "You don't need to rearrange anything. Don't go through all that trouble. I can just tilt my seat all the way back, all right?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine. I've been through worse than a stiff neck." He was too sweet. I didn't have the energy to fight back with my usual standoffish irritation. Plus, I was exhausted. No, it wasn't because of him—I was just really groggy for some reason. More caffeine seemed like a good idea, but seeing the clone's arm emerge from the duffel bag to hand us things from the trunk was too weird for me to handle at the moment. Her recent obedience was simply disturbing.

Smiling a little, Kon brought an arm behind my back and massaged small circles into my tight muscles. "I'll do my best to finish this quickly. I hate getting you dragged into my family's troubles."

"Big Daddy Ares is cool, though. I wish my dad were still around. You're lucky. I screwed myself over at a very young age."

"He seems rather taken with you, so I'm sure my father will be around—though I must request that you don't make him move in with us or anything. I'm not really in good standing with Hera, and she'd be angry if I started bringing gods over to live on earth."

"You used to be a real bastard. Why're you so...good now?" I tilted my head up to give him a quizzical stare, and he shrugged a little.

"I have you, and I never really got any meaningful pleasure from what my aunt forced me to do. When Hera got rid of me, I became even more unstable, and that was when Order began taking advantage of my weakened state. You were my only hope—you are my only hope for redemption, at least in my own mind."

"Huh..."

He glanced at me, then back at the road. "Was that a good 'huh' or a bad one?"

"I dunno," I yawned, huddling against his arm and staring out the windscreen. "I'm so bored right now. Let's play some music or something."

"Um...that's a no-go. Yumoa destroyed the stereo after blasting the Lion King soundtrack at maximum volume." He grimaced a little.

"Damn. Comedy! Sing a song and make it a good one!"

"ONE THOUSAND JARS OF MARMITE ON THE WALL, ONE THOUSAND JARS OF MARMI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-ITE...!"

"No! Something else!" Kon and I shouted simultaneously. Asking him to sing was about the same as turning on the radio: it began immediately and the music often sucked.

"ONE BILLION TUBES OF OINTMENT ON THE WALL, ONE BILLION...!

"Something else!" I cried, sitting up and trying to make him change to a different song via a bizarre combination of sign language and pitcher code—both of which were unknown to me. For all I knew, I was expressing my thanks and adoration of curve-balls.

"Lydia, what have you done?!" Chaos demanded in a panic.

"I'VE GOT AN UGLY BUNCH OF WALRUSES—DEEDLY-DEEDLY—THERE THEY ARE ALL FLOPPING IN A ROW...!"

I gave up. Kon shot me a desperate look, and I mouthed an apology to him. When his mood didn't improve, and when Ichigo started crying out in auditory pain, I wadded up some tissue into little balls and reached over to Kon, plugging his ears, then mine, then handing some back for Ichigo and the unaffected Solitus to do the same.

This is absurd, REASON grumbled. How many times are you going to do that before you learn better?

I ignored the voice, and seeing Kon's obvious discomfort, I leaned over, removed the closest earplug, and said apologetically, "I'll make it up to you later." Then I replaced the plug, and when he turned to give me a confused frown, I kissed his lips softly. "Later," I mouthed when I drew away.

He was smiling after that. I was liking my newfound power.

(Aerial Observation)

"I'm hearing strange sounds coming from Konran's car," Zakuro muttered, squinting down below at the silver and brown Land Rover.

Kougaiji followed his gaze, then close his eyes briefly. "I don't think any words are adequate enough to describe how frightening Yumoa's singing voice really is. I do not envy the occupants of that vehicle."

"That poor, orange-headed boy..."

Kou nodded soberly. "He may never be the same again..." Sighing in exasperation with the company he kept, and trying not to let Zakuro's presence irritate him too much, the Prince glanced around the skies, seeing little more than fluffy white cumulus clouds floating above to lessen the sun's intensity. There was nothing particularly interesting, other than watching the Sanzo party and Konran's group braving treacherous back roads while he zipped along over them in relative safety.

It wasn't often that he felt such a smug sensation, but it pleased him to know that those people who caused the most trouble in his life were suffering instead of him, for a change.

However...

"Lord Kougaiji, this may sound odd, but I think we're being followed," the hallucinogenic youkai behind him muttered under his breath. "I can sense them behind us."

The Prince had felt it, too, and nodded the slightest. But who was it? There was no malice in what he sensed, so what exactly was their stalker's intentions?

"As long as they don't do anything, pretend you don't know they're there," he replied quietly. "If we're lucky, they'll make themselves known in due time."

Zakuro was uncomfortable with being stalked—he had once thought it would be magnificent to have adoring fans following him around, but this was just plain creepy. He frowned a little, but said anyway, "I'll take your word for it, then."

(Five Days Hence—Stir Crazy) (A/N: I lost my mind briefly in this chapter. It happened the moment I typed the word "ninja" without stopping to think...I have no excuse for my brain. I apologize on its behalf... -.-;)

There are few things in life more grueling than a road trip. I knew this because at the age of five I had spent several weeks traveling the forty-eight contiguous United States in my biological parents' tiny station wagon with two older siblings in the back seat. Cheap motels and lame roadside attractions were bad enough, but the worst was dealing with my brother and sister. As the youngest, I had been stuck between them in that pathetic excuse for a middle seat, and was forced to deal with the bickering of the Higher Powers for hours on end. My parents were too tired most of the time to keep them from picking on me, and my siblings were too hyper to stop.

As I think about it, it's entirely possible that this was the real reason behind why I had killed them all. Considering my behavioral quirks, it doesn't seem far off in the least. Sigh. No wonder I spent two years in an asylum...then two more after my gang fell apart.

Then there was the last time I came here to Togenkyo. Admittedly, it hadn't been nearly as bad as that family trip back in the day—mostly because I had a soft spot for the two bickerers in the back seat. But considering the conspicuous circumstances under which I had "happened" to become caught up in a small portion of their journey west, it still was no peach. My lovable bastard of a then-despised now-betrothed Chaos God had been a seriously twisted pain in the ass.

And now it was The Road Trip Saga: Part Three—possibly the worst chronicle yet. In this world, it seemed that there was no gas requirement for vehicles, so we could drive for hours and hours until nightfall. As with the language confusion, REASON had decided to start thinking about Speedos every time I wondered why we never stopped for fuel. This eventually resulted in an aversion to European swim-wear, as well as a fear of Chinese verb conjugations and internal combustion engines.

The mileage was a good thing in many ways—we saved a crap-load of money, for one—but the human body wasn't built to withstand this kind of abuse. Sure, our suspension was ten million times better than the Jeep's, but that didn't mean anything when my problem's source was based primarily on time. I was already insane. Cabin fever would not help the situation in the slightest.

I stared dazedly at the campfire, wondering when the crick in my neck from living out of a car would go away. Kon had shut up about sleeping on the ground for once. "Look! Just put a few layers of blankets and it's fine!" he had said just the other night, frustrated with my pigheadedness and the fact that my discomfort meant he wasn't getting any loving. He should have been used to being left in the cold, but it seemed that spoiling him for those first few days had given him the ridiculous notion that I couldn't resist his charms.

That idiot. That stupid god. He didn't have to worry about poison dart frogs or gila monsters or Komodo dragons, for sanity's sake! He was immortal! What did he know about fearing for his life?! Like hell I was sleeping out in the open where the ninjas could get me!

My eyes narrowed. Even now, the ninjas waited in the forest.

The fight over the remaining food became yet another sound a natural as the rustling of tree branches in the wind. The gunshots became the chattering of birds in the trees. Hakkai's attempts to pacify were like the crackling of the flames before me. Kougaiji's fruitless search for peace and quiet was yet another figment of my imagination.

The only reality was the ninjas. Yes, the ninjas.

The crunch of a twig sounded to my left, and I snapped.

"Have at ye, ninja scum!" I cried vengefully, whipping Ryushi out of the spine sheath in a flash and slashing it around like lightning.

"Augh!"

WHOOSHHHH!

At the last moment, my eyes caught a rush of darkness scattering around my blade, and less than a second later, Konran reformed in front of me, looking more than a little startled.

"What the hell was that for?!" he demanded, having an unprovoked spaz attack. His eyes glowed a brighter phosphorescent blue-green in the twilight, an indicator that he was either on full alert or seriously desperate for sex—probably both, knowing him.

I frowned, then sighed, sheathing the sword and propping my head on a hand. "Oh. You. Damn, I was sure I'd caught a ninja."

"Nin...ja?" He gave me that special look—the one the doctors usually gave me when I calmly tried to explain to them that there were people in my head arguing over what to watch during prime time, or the one regular people gave me when I told them about the real reason why I had vanished for several months without warning.

"What? Look, they're out there! I'm sure of it!" I defended, turning to glare into the dark trees. Ninjas...treacherous creatures...even now, they were sharpening their claws for when they disemboweled me.

Konran followed my gaze, then became distracted when Sanzo grabbed a frying pain and attempted to murder Gojyo with it. "Honestly...those guys..." He realized his tangent, however, and returned to my mutant cannibal-ninja issues, sitting down beside me with a sigh. "Princess, there are no ninjas. Granted, there are a hell of a lot of strange things going on in this dimension, but I'm pretty sure that ninjas are the least of your worries."

"You never see the ninjas until you're lying in a pool of your own blood," I muttered darkly, leering around in suspicion of every shadow.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure that you're more dangerous to me than any ninja could ever be. Statistically, one is more likely to be killed by a loved one than by a complete stranger." He frowned at me, seemingly thinking hard on his words and trying to calculate his chances of survival. It must have come up as a draw, because he didn't run away.

"Say that again when they come in the dead of night and leave candy in your pockets!" I shot back, irritated that he was so hung up on my violent quirks.

He blinked. "Why are you afraid of ninja candy? ...And why do I find that phrase so disturbing in so many ways?" He blinked again, then closed his eyes and willed his imagination to silence.

"I don't like being violated. My pockets are like my bedroom. I don't want people going through my room, leaving things in there at random." Sure, things got misplaced...but what if ninjas were the culprit? What if all of my lost belongings—my missing socks, CDs and books—had all been the result of invisible ninjas born in laboratories and who fed on the flesh of their own?

It was a scary thought.

"Clearly, this trip is taking its toll on you," Kon muttered in exasperation. He wrapped an arm around me and sighed. "Hakkai says that we'll be at a town in a day or so, if weather permits. Then we can get a hotel room and you'll be as comfortable as you desire. Please try and keep it together. For me?"

I gave him an evil look. "You must be smoking something pretty special if you think all that sappy 'for me?' crap is gonna negate my brain's inability to cope with discomfort. Hell, I lose it when the grocery store runs out of Neapolitan ice cream."

"Fine! Then let's go watch a movie. You've already eaten, anyway, and I made you take your medication. Why the hell else would we bring all that nonsense, if not for your convenience?" Chaos took my hand and forced me to my feet. "The problem is that you insist on sleeping alone, I think. At the very least, let me keep you comfortable. You get cold so easily when your blood sugar is acting up, and you're used to having me with you to keep your temperature up."

"That's just stupid," I argued, still adamantly clinging to my irrational belief that the ninjas were to blame for everything...my ineptitude in geometry, my PMS cramps, my diabetes, my chronic dry-eye...

"Princess, leave the ninjas alone," he muttered, somehow hearing or sensing my thoughts the way I could sometimes hear him in my head when he was under too much stress—lately, I had been getting a lot of frustration out of him. "They're not stealing your socks or hiding the keys and TV remotes, all right? It's all in your head, like the time you were sure Bigfoot had come over to borrow a cup of sugar."

"How the hell was I supposed to know that we had a really hairy neighbor?!" I demanded. "I was on the night shift, thanks to your mooching! I was delirious from sleep-deprivation!"

He gave me an apologetic look. "Right. Sorry. Now, come on. I had Comedy run over to our realm the other day and buy that new hideously violent horror movie you've been nagging me about, so we can watch that in the car."

Lured by the prospect of blood and guts, I grudgingly accepted, and trudged alongside him to the car. I knew he was probably right, but it was still so bizarre to have someone fawning over me as though I were a helpless child. It wasn't a bad feeling, but it would take some getting used to.

Ugh, my life was so screwed up.

(Maps Suck)

Gojyo was accustomed to feeling some level of exasperation with his best friend, but this was just too much. In retrospect, he realized that this had probably happened many times in the past, but he hadn't felt like questioning the navigator's decisions at the time. Now, however, there was more at stake than the amount of time they spent on the road.

How were they supposed to survive when that stupid chimp was eating them into the red? In less than twelve hours—if left unchecked, of course—Goku would finish the remaining food supply and they'd have to forage in the wilderness for something to eat.

The kappa had no intention of being around Sanzo on an empty stomach. None whatsoever. He was likely to pull a Lydia and end up cannibalizing someone—most likely Gojyo himself.

But here they were anyway, at critical mass and lost in the middle of nowhere with no backup plan or emergency food supply.

Hakkai looked up from the map and laughed sheepishly, glancing between the water sprite and the irritated monk as they utilized the impressive power of nicotine to keep from attacking him. "I'm truly sorry. It's just that the common roads were all on low ground, and with the heavy rains, the innkeeper had said that there was a high probability of flash flooding."

"So you just picked the first unmarked road you saw and decided that we'd be better off lost in the woods?" Sanzo demanded incredulously. "Why the fuck didn't you tell someone?!"

"Well, you were asleep, and Gojyo was trying to keep Harry company, so..." he trailed off at the poisonous glare which only the corrupt monk seemed capable of producing.

Sanzo was vaguely aware that he had explicitly described the brutal and inconceivable death of whoever roused him from sleep, but was too arrogant and pissed-off to recognize that as a valid reason for keeping him uninformed. In response, he glared amethyst daggers at his two companions, daring them to bring it up.

"So where the hell are we?" Gojyo asked, trying to avoid bloodshed if at all possible.

Slightly abashed, the monocle-clad ex-human sighed and reexamined the map, tracing routes from the town they had left behind and murmuring under his breath. After several moments, he tapped a spot and folded the paper to show the other two. "I believe we are here. Judging by our average speed and the various side roads we had taken, this looks about right."

Gojyo squinted at the paper, then at Hakkai. "Dammit, 'Kai, that's a hiking trail through the mountains! Aren't there laws or something against driving on pedestrian trails?"

"Hmm...oh! You're right! Oh, my. I hadn't seen that—the words are so tiny."

Sanzo fought the instinctive desire to shoot the irritant. "Hakkai...why are you an idiot? Whatever happened to you being one of the smart ones?"

"Now, now. Don't be rude. It was an honest mistake. Besides, now that I have a general idea of where we are, it will be easier to find our way back to the right road." He refolded the map with care and smiled. "I'm just as eager to reach a hotel with real accommodations as everyone else is."

"Your lack of urgency inspires no confidence at all," the priest growled, before stalking off to find a nice patch of grass to sleep on.

"Ah, well, that's to be expected, I suppose..." He looked at Gojyo, who sighed and put on a brave face.

"I trust you, but seriously. We need seat belts and you need to work on getting us to where we need to be. Anyway, if we want to make up for lost time, we should head out early, so I'm calling it an early night."

"Good night, then."

Gojyo flashed a grin, then headed off towards the campfire's sphere of light to claim a patch of ground and lay out a sleeping mat.

For some time, Hakkai stayed behind and went repeatedly over the map, wondering how they could possibly have gone so far off-course in so little time. He hadn't mentioned it to the others, naturally, but as the navvy, it was his responsibility to keep things in schedule. The only explanation he could come up with was Loki's influence, and he wanted to ask Konran about it, but the god had already taken Lydia away to lift the tired girl's spirits.

Undoubtedly, it was more prudent not to interrupt the god's attempts to keep his fiancéehappy. There was no telling what was going on in their car.

Yumoa, however, was still awake and puttering around, keeping track of Harry, Ichigo, and the clones for his cousin. Zakuro was there, as well, though the depressed illusionist didn't really require any supervision.

"Well, it wouldn't hurt to try, would it?" the emerald-eyed youkai chuckled to himself, tucking the map under an arm and heading over to where the God of Comedy was keeping his charges.

(Water from Glass)

"Yumoa, I was wondering if you could help me figure something out." Hakkai approached and Comedy paused in the middle of a debriefing. Seeing his chance, Harry scrambled away, tripping over his dropped trousers and falling unceremoniously into a drainage ditch. Hakkai tried to keep a straight face as Solitus helped the poor boy out of the dirty water.

"What's the question? I can't guarantee coherent logic, but I assure you that it'll be entertaining." Yumoa grinned proudly, oblivious to the wizard's trauma and everyone else's general exasperation towards his bizarrely literal interpretation of military jargon.

"I see...well, it's about Loki, actually..."

The god's face fell in an instant. "What? Daddy? Did he do something bad again? Did he steal all the left shoes in Albuquerque? Because that's my plan, and it's not fair of him to ruin my aspirations of world domination."

He decided not to address that statement. "Well, I was more wondering if he's capable of manipulating people without their knowledge. You see, we were supposed to be taking a detour around the..." Hakkai paused, seeing that Comedy was still muttering unintelligibly under his breath. "Yumoa, are you all right?"

"Wahhhh! Daddy's gonna ruin my happiness!" He burst into a flood of tears to make the Mississippi seem like a leaky tap, much to the ex-human's shock.

"Oh! Er, well, I'm sure he would never do that intentionally. It's probably something completely different..."

"But I want mashed potatoes!" cried the god.

"...I don't...It'll be fine. We'll reach a town and then you can have all the mashed—"

"PO-TAY-TOHS!! And pancakes! Why doesn't daddy ever come to my football games?!" It seemed that Yumoa had abruptly switched from despair to intense rage, and Hakkai, like any sane being, was left floundering in the pit of incomprehension.

"Maybe your father's too busy making us drive around in circles!" the navigator suggested in a rush, trying desperately to get a coherent answer from the ridiculous god.

Silence...then:

"Nah, he's not that boring," Comedy replied with a casual gesture. "You probably missed a sign somewhere." He smiled brightly. "Is that all?"

Slightly dazed, Hakkai could only nod, as though he'd just been informed of his three-dollar lottery winnings—happiness, yet...he still felt that something was terribly wrong with the world.

"Glad I could be of service!" Oblivious as usual, the god turned around as though Hakkai's brief brush with Ulitimate (2) Madness had never occurred, and resumed attacking Harry's pants in search of foreign spies trying to steal his battle plans.

After a moment to contemplate his life choices, Hakkai decided that there were worse fates out there, and headed back to the Jeep to unload and let Hakuryu rest a bit. The little dragon changed into his normal form and alighted on his masters hand, eyeing the group's caretaker in worry. With a faint smile, Hakkai patted the dragon's head and said gently, "I'm fine. Really. Now, let's go get some rest. We're going to have to backtrack a bit tomorrow, but after that we should be okay."

Hakuryu wasn't convinced. "Kyuu?"

Hakkai laughed a little. "I said don't worry. We'll manage somehow, all right?"

"Kyuu." There was no point in arguing, and since he didn't think the two people following them were much of a threat, he fell asleep peacefully on top of the blanket.

(Horror—MATURE, but very funny) (A/N: Because I'm dying inside and I need the morale boost.)

"I thought you said this was a scary movie," Kon muttered in confusion, squinting at the little LCD screen. "This looks more like pornography."

I fidgeted a little. "Well, the ads kept saying it was really violent, so...look, I'm sorry, okay?!"

"I don't mind—I've done worse—but it is a bit surprising. Wow, movies are getting edgier and edgier, aren't they? And to think poor Ovid was exiled for much more innocent thoughts." He shook his head with a disdainful sigh, then looked down at me, smirking.

"What?!" I demanded.

"Nothing. I just like your face when you're embarrassed." He smiled, and I restrained my fist when it tried to fly out and smash his nose in. "You're still so innocent."

Irritated, I glared at the screen, then blanched and looked away. This was the last time I allowed underhanded advertising to seduce me! "Shut up. You're being ridiculous." The stupid movie was making my head fuzzy.

"Innocent little Princess..." Gently, he tugged me closer and pressed his lips to my temple. "I think I want to ruin you."

"I'll beat you until you're the consistency of yogurt," I threatened, shooting him an icy glare despite the tingling in the base of my spine. "Even your little dissolving trick won't save you."

Kon chuckled and I shuddered when his fingers slid under my shirt to squeeze my bare waist. "Beat me, then, sweetheart."

The movie wasn't helping me one bit, and in less time than it took to sneeze, I was naked and he was working his magic.

"You opportunistic bastard," I panted against his shirt, straddled across his lap and trying to keep my brain from short-circuiting. "I'm missing the...the movie. You tricked me...'cause you were desperate."

"Oh, you're enjoying it," he laughed, lifting my chin and kissing my throat as he gripped my thighs and rode deeper.

"Ass-hat!" I yelped. A shock snapped up my spine and my hands fisted in his hair, yanking him down to my level. "Damn it all, you're incorrigible." Why did it have to feel so good? There was nothing I could do to resist this kind of pleasure.

"I love you," he whispered, brushing his lips against mine and melting me from the inside out.

"Then why aren't you naked, too?" I breathed, nuzzling his throat and arching against him. "It feels better when you're not wearing anything."

His crystalline eyes gave me a cheeky smile. "Say it."

"Say what?"

"You know what. Say it and I'll give you whatever you want."

"I want a Bugatti Veyron (see end notes) ...and you naked. Preferably on the car."

The smiled faltered. "That's a bizarre request, coming from you. You realize that those cars are worth about one-and-a-half million dollars, right?"

"I'm assuming that gods are a bit more resourceful than you've been letting on...and I adore, you, Chaos." I grinned and kissed him so hard he shuddered, and by the magic of his dissolving capabilities, he was instantly naked. It felt so good to have so much of his skin pressed to mine. "Good boy. Here's your reward," I whispered.

"Ahh! Lydia?!"

"That's gonna leave a mark." I studied the imprint of my teeth on his shoulder as they welled up with scarlet drops. "Heh-heh..."

"You little minx!" With a wild laugh he flipped me onto my back, and in no time at all he had me moaning his name with every thrust.

It was sublime to know how important to me he had become in just two years. He had been my enemy in the beginning—someone I would have killed without hesitation. Not long after, he was my roommate and an incessant burden on my limited resources. We were friends, though. A quiet part of me had always thought of him as someone on whom I could rely in a pinch, a permanent existence in my life who would never abandon me.

He wasn't Rafe. I had loved Rafe with my whole heart. Rafe had been my mentor and my savior...but in the end, he hadn't been able to stay by my side. He hadn't been permanent in the least.

It was just like me to be so selfish that nothing short of a god could measure up to my standards.

"Lydia...you're crying..." Kon paused, breathing hard, but still frowning in worry. "Did I hurt you?"

I smiled, tightening my arms around his neck and kissing his forehead. "I love you, Chaos. Harder, please."

The frown softened to an exasperated smirk, and he slipped slowly back inside, further and further until my heart pounded in my ears, until he couldn't press any deeper. "Like this?" he whispered gently.

"Y-yes..."

It seemed he knew exactly what I wanted him to do, and less than a minute later I was crying his name, clawing up the silky skin of his back as the climax shoved me into a world of pulsating light and ecstasy. Despite my writhing, he pinned me down, moaning until he had filled me to the edge of madness with his scalding heat, before collapsing on top of me and laughing until we were both in hysterics.

"What am I going to do with you?!" he demanded, gasping for air thanks to his laughter and exertion. "First you shun me and then you give me everything, and then you shun me some more, and then you give me some more...you're going to drive me mad, you know."

"My new goal is to ruin you before you can ruin me," I responded lightly, combing my fingers through his hair and enjoying the sensation of just holding him tight. "Dammit, I almost forgot how much fun you can be..."

"I'm glad we still haven't lost our spark," he teased.

"I still want that car, though. And once I get it, the first thing I'll have you do is model naked on the hood."

His face fell. "Why?!"

"Because it sounds funny."

"AUGH! OH, MY GOD! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! MOMMY!"

He rolled his eyes, then suddenly pulled me up and sat me in his lap, both of us facing the DVD screen. "Looks like the horror bits have started. Though, considering where your thoughts were wandering, I'm not disappointed in the least."

"I'll have you naked on that car if it's the last thing I do, Konran."

"Fine. Whatever you want. Your wish is my command."

"EEEEEEEEK! NO, DON'T HURT HIM! PLEASE!"

"Anything I want? You sure?" I turned from the gorefest to look up at him questioningly.

"Anything. Ask and it's yours."

"NOOOO! MY ARM! YOU BASTARD! MY AAAAARM!!"

"Cool. Then let's do it again."

His face gave the impression that I had just broken some sort of taboo. "Princess...they're screaming..."

"PLEASE! I'M BEGGING YOU! I DON'T WANNA DIEEEEEE!! GHRARGH!!"

"So?" I wiggled in his lap, and he gasped, instantly ready to do my bidding. "See? You're still in tip-top shape. Now lie down. I call tops." Without waiting for his response, and ignoring the tortured, bloodcurdling cries of the murder victims in the movie, I shoved him down and took my time enjoying him. He didn't argue, which I took as consent.

Thanks to him, I didn't get much sleep, and was incredibly sore once I was finished...but I wasn't the only one. Unfortunately for the god, slasher films turned me on, so even he was hurting afterwards.

Sweet sanity, I was screwed up in the head. At least Kon had no complaints. He was such a unique find that I vowed never to let him slip away.

(Spirited Away)

At last, Lydia was out, and the exhausted Chaos breathed a sigh of relief. He couldn't seem to figure her out. The slightest little thing could put her off so completely that he felt as though he had been thrown aside, yet without warning she could return like nothing was wrong. And to think the seemingly naïve girl had been suppressing a real demon in the bed all this time...He smiled at her sleeping face. For Lydia's sake, they'd reclined the back seats as far as they would go after stacking most of the supplies behind the car, so it was fairly comfortable, but after so much exercise so suddenly, he felt more than a little stiff. He had been reining in his libido for so long, waiting for her to notice him, that his body was somewhat atrophied.

"Princess, I'm going to step out and stretch my legs," he whispered softly, brushing a long lock of raven hair behind her shoulder and laying a kiss on her cheek. "I'll only be a few minutes."

She stirred, then huddled up in the blankets, resting a hand on his waist almost as though it were an accident. "Don't...take too...long," she sleep-murmured, her subconscious still mostly coherent.

He stroked her jawline with a fingertip and chuckled, "Not a moment longer than necessary. I love you."

"I love...you...too."

Ah, those words made him want to dance every time she said them.

Thanks to his ability to reduce down to particles the size of coal dust, he easily slipped out of the car without a sound and reformed on the other side of the door in just a pair of black jeans. Humming to himself, Kon checked to make sure everything was in order for when they had to leave in the morning, then went to get something to drink from the cooler before he went back to sleep. His back was killing him, but it was nothing a few stretches and a bit of walking couldn't take care of.

However, when he reached the campfire where the drinks were, he came upon Sanzo, still awake and sipping a beer with an unlit cigarette in hand. The robe was neatly folded on the sleeping mat behind him, and he wore just the leathers and a pair of faded jeans with his boots.

Odd. "Sanzo? What're you doing still up?"

The monk opened one amethyst eye, then closed it again and swallowed another draught, before placing the Marlboro between his lips and lighting up. It took a couple of drags before he replied flatly, "You and the Stray are noisy. I'm seriously going to kill you if you don't cut that disturbing shit out. And wear some clothes! Don't you feel cold?!"

Chaos shrugged sheepishly, trying to calculate exactly who could have heard them through the car's exterior—oh, no, if Gojyo heard...

He shoved the possibility away and tried to think happy thoughts.

"Gods aren't as fragile as humans are...though I suppose that means you're not as fragile as the average human, either, huh?" he muttered under his breath.

Sanzo glared coldly. "Why don't you ever make sense?"

"Ah, I must have caught Lydia's contagion. Watch yourself or it'll infect you, too." Chaos shot the priest a wry smirk, to which he responded with a noncommittal grunt. "Oh, whatever," sighed the god, seeing no point in arguing. Wincing at the pain in his shoulders and thighs, Konran crouched in front of the cooler and popped it open, fishing through the shadowy interior before finding the can of persimmon juice he so sought and closing the lid. He sat down with a groan.

"Do you have any kind of plan for when we find Loki or are you just winging it?" Sanzo growled, somehow offended by the fact that the God had chosen to sit not three feet away on the other end of his log.

Kon sighed, cracking open the can and taking a sip. "Well, knowing you, it'll probably piss you off, but my first intention is to reason with him. He's still my uncle, and he's not really a bad guy. He just has a bad habit of taking his pranks a little too far. Plus, the last thing I need is Comedy's wrath. Seriously. You think Hakkai's scary?" He shook his head and shuddered. "I'd be frightened to death if Comedy were on the warpath. There is no greater enemy than an idiot who doesn't understand that he's an idiot, so to Jhonen."

"Who's Jhonen?" The monk couldn't help but feel confused.

"A philosopher." Kon smirked. "At any rate, there are other things we can do: sealing, deportation, et cetera... We'll get rid of Loki somehow."

Sanzo finished off his beer and crushed the can in one hand, before tossing it into the fire, where it hissed and lit up in pretty blue and green flames. "As long as he goes away, I really don't give a damn how it's done. I'm just sick of you and your people invading my world like it's the latest theme park attraction. It's holding up our journey." He puffed on his smoke for a bit, brooding.

The god agreed, but didn't say anything. He just drank his juice in silence. Besides, it wasn't an apology or reassurance that the monk wanted. The only thing that would please Sanzo was a swift end to all of this—and the guarantee that he would never see any of them ever again.

"CUT OFF THE HEAD, AND THE BODY WILL FOLLOW." (3)

Kon flinched in surprise and looked over at the priest, but Sanzo was looking at him with the same baffled—albeit more annoyed—expression on his face.

"Did you just...?" they asked at the same instant.

FWISHH!!

But before either could respond, both were gone.

(Author's Note)

(1) "You fish on your side, I'll fish on my side, and no one will fish in the middle." The American Indian name for some lake. It has absolutely nothing to do with this chapter. I just love the name.

(2) Ulitimate is spelled that way on purpose. Pronounced "yoo-LIT-ih-mitt". The definition of this word I made up can be found on my profile page.

(3) There's an old military adage about an army being a snake, that if you cut off the head (i.e., remove the leadership), the rest will die, no matter how powerful.

(Bugatti Veyron) Price: 1.6 million US dollars (300 to be produced--more if I'm lucky...)

Stats (for laymen): 8-liter 16-cylinder engine w/ 4 turbochargers (AKA 8.0L quad-turbocharged W16 engine), 10 radiators, 1001 metric horespower (advertised), hydraulic lifts and bodywork which adjust the body and spoiler and wings at speeds greater than 137MPH for maximum stability (ground clearance goes from 4.9in to 2.6in.)

Weight: 4,160 lb (1,888 kg or OVER TWO TONS)

0-60MPH in 2.46 seconds (with two TONS?!)

AVG Top Speed: 408KPH/253MPH (About one-third the speed of sound) (WITH TWO FREAKING TONS!!)

The most marvelous thing, however, is that this car comes with all the luxuries of your favorite high-end sedan. AC, power everything, etc.--it's not stripped-down like most supercars, and what's more it's perfectly fine with going at top speed. None of that rattling and shaking you get in a Ferrari or Porsche. For more, check out the YouTube video clip of the Top Gear episode where Captain Slow (AKA James May) tries the Bugatti Veyron on Volkswagen's test track. (Those key words in bold should work to find it, as well as other awesome clips of that beautiful car...yes, I'm nerding out like you wouldn't BELIEVE.)

(Now for the real A/N...)

(evil laughter) It's shorter than what I've been writing lately, but I figure you people get exhausted when I ramble on like that. So...what happened to Sanzo and Kon? And what's so special about the eight pictures I'm so diligently drawing? Well, if you review, then I might be nice enough to tell you. (grin...pout) Seriously. I really want to know what everyone's thinking of the story so far, because I feel physically ill every time I read the last few chapters, and I wonder of you all feel the same...(dies a little inside) ESPECIALLY the little discussion between Eris and Kannon...where should I go with that, I wonder...?

— The Ever Erratic, Unscrupulous, Ubiquitous, Nihilistic, Neoclassical, Deranged, and Raconteur Cyh Scævola